Greetings and welcome to The Haiku Foundation’s current Renku Session entitled, ‘Timber Smoke’. I am Marshall Hryciuk of Toronto, Canada and will be leading this session through a 36-link kasen renku.
So we have our verse 5; our first moon verse:
than the clearing fog
This picks up nicely on the inclusive contrast of “drawn out / echoes in” of the previous verse while continuing the autumnal seasoning with “pale” and “fog”.
We’ve had movement in each verse so far, but the shift in this one is that the movement is not in a scent, of a plum, of a vehicle or a deer note but within our personal perception itself.
Further, Mary, it’s great that you put “day moon” by itself in the third line; no particle – a surprise to see it as it almost always is, for me at least. I mean i don’t ever look for a ‘day moon’ the way i would for a new moon, a crescent or a full moon. I happen to look up and it’s just there and this is how this moon comes into view.
I also appreciate that you wrote, “clearing fog” instead of ‘lifting fog’ as the ‘ift’ would have rhymed with the “sifts” of the hokku and pulled us aurally backwards.
“Clearing fog” by itself would be a contradiction if it weren’t for the anticipation of what would follow “even paler”. The two together add complexity and make the sense more dynamic. Then cut away to a surprise moon, barely visible, that even links slightly with the “drawn” of the previous verse, if we envisage the faint outline of this day moon.
And our week of the moon verse was completed during a full blue moon!
Well done, Mary White!
What we need now is 2 lines of no particular seasonality. For this one i want something ‘indoors’, but no actual saying of what the writer is inside of; be it shed, closet, store or a room etc.. Something specific or a specific experience of something within one of these kind of enclosing structures. Whereas the hokku connoted the movement from outdoors to indoors ,i would like this verse to be totally ‘indoors’.
Timber Smoke (so far)
nothing dimmed yet
timber smoke scent
sifts into the house
one by one
I pick plums off of the ground
a file of cars
overtaking a tractor
on the mountain road
drawn out deer notes
echo in the coolness
than the clearing fog
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