Renku Sessions

The Renku Sessions: Timber Smoke – Week 12

renku_300

Greetings and welcome to The Haiku Foundation’s current Renku Session entitled, ‘Timber Smoke’. I am Marshall Hryciuk of Toronto, Canada and I will be leading this session through a 36-link kasen renku.

 

So, for our second winter verse we have:

the mailman’s breath
faintly white   

Keith Evetts

Nice connection with the snowman, but this time the whiteness is uttered by the subject, presumably in motion; a reversal from being a motionless object of the dog’s barking as in the previous verse.  A dog whose own breath may be visible now as his barking is probably extended when he notices a mailman. Thus, this verse deepens the feeling of cold. Yes, the repetition of “man” in a link is an unusual inclusion, but i like the figurative “man” becoming an active flesh and blood human in the link.

Another reason this verse fits here is because, for the first time in our renku, it reaches out and references another piece of art or poem; specifically, a famous haiku by Basho, that in my version is:

darkening sea
a wild duck’s call
faintly white

—a reference that brings a hint of synesthesia into our renku as well.

Thank-you for this, Keith

 

What we need now is 3 lines, No Particular Season.

For instance, gift-giving scenes are fine but not with specific associations with winter (or summer) or New Year’s. Up til now, we’ve been having a great time out-of-doors, so i think for this verse i’ll be looking for something that occurs indoors.

Happy Linking

Marshall

 

 

Timber Smoke (so far)

 

nothing dimmed yet
timber smoke scent
sifts into the house

Marshall Hryciuk

 

one by one
I pick plums off of the ground

Alfred Booth

 

a file of cars
overtaking a tractor
on the mountain road

Keith Evetts

 

drawn out deer notes
echo in the coolness

Betty Shropshire

 

even paler
than the clearing fog
day moon

Mary White

 

handprints  and crumbs
I would miss them

Pamela Garry

 

giving pollen
a lift
on the bicycle bells

Laurie Greer

 

the tiffany blue
of 3 eggs in a nest

Eavonka Ettinger

 

scattered spores
following a random trail
through landmines

John Hawkhead

 

attempted murder
by the morality police

Rob Barkan

 

next door’s dog
barks
at our snowman

Carol Jones

 

the mailman’s breath
faintly white

Keith Evetts

 

 

 

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This Post Has 172 Comments

  5. the mailman’s breath
    faintly white
    ——-Keith Evetts
    .

    power failure
    the tv almost as black
    as the crow outside
    .

  6. buttered toast
    the nooks and crannies
    full of memories
    .

    in a heated room
    father opens
    his arms

  7. the checkerboard tiles
    at the margins of the room
    lost in darkness

    Very interesting to see this renku develop!

  9. the mailman’s breath
    faintly white
    ——-Keith Evetts
    .

    while we argue
    bats are finding their way home
    with clicks
    .

    the bronze bell
    hanging by the front door
    green with ghosts
    .

    on the couch
    one leg in the clouds
    the other in water
    .

    her contralto in the kitchen
    and a ruby wink
    from the rising sun
    .

  10. the mailman’s breath
    faintly white

    Keith Evetts
    *
    doing his dad’s
    dramatic reading
    of “The Three Little Pigs”

  11. the mailman’s breath
    faintly white

    Keith Evetts
    *
    the tarot reading
    brings hope
    for the future
    *

  14. Congratulations, Keith, on that lovely verse!
    Thank you, Marshall, for the fine explanations!

    My offers:

    the taste of milk
    in that first sip
    after several months

    a fine stuffed toy
    without any details
    of the sender

    my daughter’s hug
    after the post-radiation
    isolation

    reading
    ‘When things fall apart’
    turning off live news

    this phone call
    lasting an hour
    after hot soup

  15. the mailman’s breath
    faintly white

    Keith Evetts
    ***

    frozen pond . . .
    graceful gliding
    of the wind

    disappearing day . . .
    branched shadows
    shaded

    another sky
    from my grandpa’s pipe
    rolling clouds

    cloud after cloud . . .
    my thoughts rearranged
    beyond the horizon

    Ivan Gaćina

  16. pow
    er outage, heart
    beats

    attending Mass
    daydreaming about
    Sister Juanita

    moo choir
    milking time
    at grandpa’s barn

    1. Dan,

      I like your pow verse. It really packs a wallop based on my readings of it. Well done.

  20. the mailman’s breath
    faintly white
    –Keith Evetts

    why take the risk
    if Kamchatka
    isn’t the goal
    .
    why take a risk
    if Kamchatka
    can’t be obtained
    .
    working on
    the sky and cloud
    puzzle pieces

  22. the mailman’s breath
    faintly white

    Keith Evetts
    *
    old photos
    coming unhinged
    in their album
    *
    the shining borders
    of the oldest
    family snapshots

  25. For the fun of it:

    scooping
    the scrabble prize
    with quixotry

    at Fortnum’s
    every kind of tea
    except vanilla

    the IRS queries
    an alabaster buddha
    among deductibles

  27. stamp collection
    where countries
    live in peace

    (with friendly, encouraging support from Keith)

  28. whose
    best
    wishes

    the expiry date
    she can’t find
    on the can

    ___________________________________________________________
    sharing updates
    the good news and bad
    what shall ye pick first

      1. thought you’d never ask! rob

        the good news
        you needn’t know
        anything Basho*

        (just look up
        kigo all winter
        w j higginson p. 264
        in world haiku
        BREATH IS WHITE)

        *But it would be nice !

      1. regarding our verse #10

        attempted murder
        by the morality police

        Rob Barkan

        the head traumas sustained by the young beautiful girl at the hands
        of the morality police has caused her demise. i feel so saddened to know this.
        Hopefully she is in the tender hands of a more compassionate leadership.

        So it is no longer “attempted” murder….but murder!

  29. the mailman’s breath
    faintly white
    Keith Evetts
    ***

    a postcard from Gaza
    “enjoying the rave”
    October the sixth

    all the Kleenex gone
    by the end
    of Casablanca

    Chablis
    with gorgonzola dolce
    in dreams

    proceeds of crime
    safely laundered
    in the Marshall Islands

  31. freezing moon
    my gloves
    left at home
    …
    soon to rain
    chocolate chip cookies
    swing into the oven

        1. thanks, keith…..if it’s good for…it’s good for me, too! i was looking for a way to make it tighter.

  38. the mailman’s breath
    faintly white
    — Keith Evetts
    *
    a picture
    of ‘Mallards Rising’
    on the wall
    *
    the steamer
    disappears
    over the horizon

  39. Congrats Keith!

    the mailman’s breath
    faintly white   
    Keith Evetts
    .
    Thanks Marshall, for pointing out the allusion to Basho – I wouldn’t have caught it as am not well-read on the classic haiku.
    .
    I thought that I would bring forward a couple of points for discussion. From my perspective this verse is not necessarily indicative of winter, it could occur in anytime between mid-autumn to mid-spring, or anytime that the mailman is seen smoking a cigarette, and in the visual sense I am wondering if that would link back to the hokku?

    We also have a previous verse with comparable language, although it is several verses back:

    even paler
    than the clearing fog
    day moon

    Mary White

    with the phrases “faintly white”/”even paler”, and the “faintly white” breath being visually similar to fog and/or smoke.

    1. From my perspective, the “faintly white” breath is a breathed breath, not a cigarette exhale, and happens in the cold, especially when the breather is exercising as a delivery man or woman would be; perhaps in a hurry because her or his jacket isn’t on, all of which indicate awintry seasonality to me. The “snowman” in the previous verse sets this up.
      Yes, many of the verses have a similar kind of language compared to the sharp and predominantly visual language of what we usually see in published haiku. I prefer haiku that have some cadence and lyricality to them when compared with the usual, and leading a renku is a chance to show, and possibly display, the advantages of this preference for haiku writing.
      And yes, there is a lot of white here, but this was the first verse that made this ‘whiteness’ explicit in the word, “white”. One of the things i like about renku is the implicit being made explicit, and also, as i’m sure you’ve noticed, a verse that does a reverse or an inverse from those previous; “even paler” to me was a whiteness becoming dim andlingering, whereas the mailman’s breath would be a distinct white, that quickly evaporates and repeats.
      Thanks for your comments, princess k -Marshall

      1. These discussions are always interesting!

        If I may, I suggest/agree that the verse to which the mailman links has firmly set the season, and the new verse is consistent with it and buttresses it. I think the context steers the reader towards breath in the cold rather than cigarette smoke.

        We had fog in v5, a weather phenomenon (rising, or falling, thing), and now breath condensing: is that a weather phenomenon? Even so, according to modern learnéd guidance elsewhere (which of course I can’t put my finger on right now…), in like renku situations a decent five or six verses should pass before a general phenomenon such as precipitation may be hinted at again. Here we are safely in v12.

        Going back a long way:
        Renga shinshiki tsuika narabi ni Shinshiki kin’an tō, by Shōhaku, 1501
        The New Rules of Linked Verse

        “Section 12: Things That Must Be Separated by More Than One Verse

        … Mist and words in the Falling Things category; haze and the word ‘dim;’ smoke from pines bamboo grass or trees and words in the Rising Things category; words like ‘those who dwell in the clouds’…”
        translated by Carter, Steven D. “Rules, Rules, and More Rules: Shōhaku’s Renga Rulebook of 1501.” Harvard Journal of Asiatic Studies, vol. 43, no. 2, 1983, pp. 581–642.

          1. Thanks, Keith and thanks too, princess k for responding to both of us. Funny to me that you think somebody else’s category of a kigo matters to me when i’m leading a renku, but there you go.
            Cheers -Marshall

          2. Just for clarification….
            Are you talking about a certain amount of syllables in a verse such as referenced here:
            “3-liners will usually be similar to a haiku in style and spirit (but without a caesura or major break) while the 2-liner should be haiku-like in its style (economy, moment…) and impact. The 3-liners should have 6/7 stresses (which should make out approximately 14 to 16 syllables) and use concrete imagery, while the 2-liners should have about 5 stresses (which should make out approximately 11 to 13 syllables).”
            Or, are you as you allude to, a complete rogue?
            So my question is, do we write to satisfy the Renku leader and or the “rules” or do we write in our own style? You do seem to choose verses that are very lean. I also understand that nature is not needed in renku, but traditional haiku are supposed to reference it.
            Thank you, I am a beginner at this. My understanding is that the leaner the verse the better and allusion is king.

  40. garlic
    or
    onions

    making it a priority
    to meet
    the maillady

    maillady
    is predictable
    when she delivers

    this stamp collection
    in a thin book
    country’s live in peace

    1. this stamp collection
      in a thin book
      country’s live in peace

      good one! the real world–whole ‘nother story.

    1. Brahms in the background
      mixed with morning coffee
      from inside the womb

      steam sprayed from an iron
      while the flight of the bumblebees
      plays in the womb

      diulf
      citoinma
      ni gnimmiws

  46. the mailman’s breath
    faintly white
    ———Keith Evetts
    .

    a cloud of cream
    and two spoonfuls of sugar
    is how she likes it
    .

    receiving the news
    I take my morning meal
    with a glass of stale wine
    .

    sea smoke . . .
    the world beyond our world
    vanishes
    .

    morning coffee
    the river outside
    even browner
    .

    1. sea smoke . . .
      the world beyond our world
      vanishes

      good one–I have experienced this myself waking up with “dream clouds” that quickly disappeared.

  48. the mailman’s breath
    faintly white

    Keith Evetts
    *
    pausing for a drink
    between licking envelopes
    for the thank you notes
    *
    choosing from
    the rainbow
    of sealing wax

  49. the mailman’s breath
    faintly white

    Keith Evetts
    *
    retaping the box of books
    delivered
    to the wrong address

  53. baking biscuits
    to restock
    my secret barrel

    a final demand
    on my doormat
    from his divorce lawyer

    the box
    full of delights
    for the bedroom

  57. teeth whitening strips
    lasting nearly
    a lifetime

    a spot
    of herbal tea
    to warm the soul

    cleaning
    an aquarium from
    the inside out

        1. Dear Wendy,
          Both the content, inner meaning and the whiff – all in a very interesting” smell”

          with regards
          Radhamani sarma

  60. This renku is addictive… I love the explanations.

    lo and behold
    another china duck
    for the mantelpiece

    birthday girl
    with diamonds
    in her eyes

    saving
    the cardboard box
    for a rainy day

    the chances
    of meeting her mother
    in the Upside Down

      1. oh
        so much
        is different

        filled out
        change
        of address

        online
        everybody finds out
        about the move

  62. a large box
    from a strange address
    sitting outside the house

    …

    taking a half hour
    we settle
    in front of the tv

    …

    Abe Lincoln
    reading by
    candle light
    …

    putting a marker
    in her book
    she turns off the light
    …

    struggling with every sound
    his tutor knowing
    he will read

  65. the mailman’s breath
    faintly white
    .
    Keith Evetts
    ..
    searching my e-wallet
    for the e-ticket
    to enter the Sphere

        1. Yes, a very worthy cause:) I am happy you wrote this haiku, Carolyn. My mother was able to extend her life 25 more years, because of a perfect match!

  69. Thank you Marshal and Keith and everyone here!

    the mailman’s breath
    faintly white
    —Keith Evetts

    the safety gate
    restraining gravity’s pull
    on his mind

  70. Congrats on yet another fine verse Keith!

    the mailman’s breath
    faintly white

    Keith Evetts
    *
    playing the banjo
    I bought
    for my wife

  71. Bravo, Keith. A beautiful couplet

    the mailman’s breath
    faintly white
    — Keith Evetts

    the Seine River
    opening ceremonies
    with the world on boats
    **
    the hearth cools
    after weeks with Jacques Brel
    and all his songs
    **

    1. hi Alfred. Love the bringing in of something not natural or physical, but the first line has all te trappings of creating a narrative with the hokku. And Jacques Brel is great and so passionate and foreign to this kind of subtle art. And proper names comong in too. Why not mention an individual song’s refrain; so the link would go;
      Jacques Brel singing
      “in the port of Amsterdam”
      on the radio
      Hope you can accept this -Marshall

  72. I adore this choice and the explanation. I had no clue about the reference so that was a treat. Thank you, Marshall and Keith!

    the mailman’s breath
    faintly white

    Keith Evetts

    mom’s birthday
    opening each card
    so slowly

  73. they said
    i should just ignore
    the errant letter

    the scent
    of curry
    left in the microwave

    sweeping sage
    to make the apartment
    hers

    1. and some shortened versions:

      the scent
      of curry
      in the oven

      sweeping sage
      to make the studio
      hers

  74. Wonderful, Keith, and thanks Marshall, for making this so much fun!

    feet propped up
    relaxing on
    the well used sofa

  78. Keith thank you for your winning poem, you really delivered!
    Marshall you are an expert Sabaki with your freewheeling style!

  80. the mailman’s breath
    faintly white

    Keith Evetts
    *
    swanning about
    in newly delivered
    finery
    *
    the letter bringing her
    to the point
    of a swoon
    *

  81. keith…..you did it again! this one is a keeper. congrats!
    marshall….perfect fit, in every way!

    the mailman’s breath
    faintly white

    Keith Evetts

    i eke out
    an ensō
    on the milky whey

    i tear a Basho leaf
    on the last sheet
    of rice paper

  83. Congratulations to Keith for another link, and bows to Marshall for making the selection!

    +++

    father’s wink
    a taste of the icing
    as guests arrive

    anniversary dinner
    Greek waiters arrive
    bearing gifts

    100th birthday
    the old shades wait
    round a bed

    1. 100th birthday
      the old shades wait
      round a bed

      very spiritual, I like the story this tells (those are not window shades)

  84. 13
    next door’s dog
    barks at our snowman
    14
    the mailman’s breath
    faintly white
    15
    they all say no
    when I offer them a drink
    – workaholics

    soup to warm up
    a letter from Angelic
    an evening at home

    nobody comes
    I think they all must be
    out the back

  86. faux suede curtains
    the gentle brewing
    of gossips
    *
    warm wishes
    from a postcard
    on the fridge
    *

  88. the mailman’s breath
    faintly white

    Keith Evetts
    *
    penning the note
    of condolence
    on Crane paper
    *
    the writing
    just shy
    of calligraphy
    *

  90. Thank you, Marshall. And you read my thoughts.

    —
    letting go
    the bowl
    her mother gave us

  91. Just a quick question, Marshall.
    Does the next verse have to include gift-giving
    can it just be about something indoors?

    1. No, Carol, this verse doesn’t have to be about or include gift-giving; that was just an example. Cheers -Marshall

  93. Nice verse, Keith, congratulations!

    origami cranes
    atop a cake celebrating
    their years together

  94. Nice selection–and congratulations again, Keith! I was partial to the mailman after the dog, myself. BTW, if we use “mail carrier” we could eliminate the two “man,” should anyone have a problem with that.
    Otherwise, it’s fun to see what happens with a little rule-breaking.
    *

    the mailman’s breath
    faintly white

    Keith Evetts
    *
    going closer
    to the window
    to read the poems
    *
    taking the book
    closer to the window
    to read

    1. Laurie: I think the artificial snowman can link to the living mailman (postman in the UK). It’s a different word, and not all linkages have to be nioi-zuke. (http://www.2hweb.net/haikai/renku/Link_Shift.html#Types%20of%20Linking). I try to pay attention to sound and rhythm, and think that ‘mail carrier’ or even ‘delivery boy’ would unbalance it; ‘jogger’ might work as a two-syllable substitute; but I like mailman as he would be visiting ‘next door’ as well as our house; if our sabaki is happy, then I’m happy!

      1. I’m happy too! It was just a thought. Your verses are always well done, for linkage and sound. No quibbles on my end.

      2. So, thanks, Keith; i thought the scansion of your verse was most fine just as it was. You probably know, i’m one of those for whom the diction and cadence of a haiku or a renku verse matter as much as the experience or event their words refer to -MH

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