The Renku Sessions: Side Show – Week 16
Hello, Everyone—I think it’s been a challenging week. We are in the sticky part of the renku with many restrictions on what can and can’t be be written. From the responses this week, I feel I should have been clearer about what I meant when I called for a “winter moon verse.” I will reiterate what I wrote in a posting earlier today in response to a question Wendy posed a few days ago. (I was “off the grid” as they say for a few days—some little critter chewed on my cable and put my internet receiver out of commission). This might help explain why a number of verses didn’t make it to the long list.
When writing a “winter moon” verse, if you use a phrase such as
winter moon
cold moon
frost moon
long night moon
wolf moon
hunger moon
you do not have to include some other reference to the winter season. [Note: “long night moon” contains the word “night” and because we have the verse with “1001 nights,” it won’t be eligible as a candidate for this verse.] If you use only the word “moon” without a modifier, then you need another season word to make it a winter verse. In my experience it is more effective if this indicator of the season, e.g., quilt, bare branch, icicle, etc. come before the mention of “moon.” If you mention “moon” first without a modifier, the reader thinks the verse is an autumn verse only to find out later that the verse takes place in winter. This is a bit annoying and we don’t want to annoy the readers of our renku.
Here, then, is my long list of candidates for verse 15.
the moon
breasts a cluster
of trickling icicles
each snowflake
cradled
by the moon’s light
Carol Jones
*
a sparkling snowbank
becomes
a myriad of moons
ice moon
indifferent
to a crackling fire
cold moon
shows its dark side
as mountains topple
Rob Barkan
*
winter moon
teeters
on pine trees
cold moon
set adrift
on an iceberg
cold moon
over ice
peaks
tiny moons
softly flutter
on snowflakes
the moonlit
frequency
of a snowflake
by the light of the moon
the plink and screech
of fallen snowflakes
Diana Ming Jeong
*
the moonlight
adds more sparkle
to snowflakes
Eavonka Ettinger
*
moonlit icicles
in the burned-out factory’s
broken windows
moonlight
splinters into pieces
on the ice
Richard Straw
*
on the horizon
winter moon lights
the lake path to home
the winter day moon
comforts our car journey from
NY to LA
the full winter moon
on our alpine lodge where we
snuggle in a quilt
we warm our hands
at the winter campfire
beneath a full moon
on a clear winter
morning in my rear view
mirror a day moon
cold snowflakes
obscure the winter moon
in silence
John Daleiden
*
the moonlit dream
stays sharp
in the cold
moon cast off
down the ice-fishing
hole
the cold
translates moonlight
into snowfall
the memorized path
between the moon
and the snow
Laurie Greer
*
her mittened hand
delivers a full moon
on a sugar cone
Dan MacDonald
*
a bare branch
of the Spanish chestnut
pokes the moon
in the tip
of each icicle
a tiny moon
Marion Clarke
where no moon shines
a dreidel made of clay
spins
cold moon
on the marble chess board
checks a black knight square
Wendy C. Bialek
*
as bright as a flame
from a witch’s brass cauldron
this winter moon
Lorin Ford
*
moon casts tree’s shadow
across the snow
to touch another
Debbie Feller
*
cold moon
a red squirrel
tucked into oak leaves
madeleine Kavanagh
*
winter moon
glitters
on ice pond
no moon
reflected
in the icy lake
Pauline O’Carolan
*
the winter moon wanes
as we ready
to catch the cradle
our cradle rocks on
as the winter moon
waxes whiter
Clysta Seney
And of these, I took a closer look at six:
love bound
in the hereafter
of 1001 nights
Betty Shropshire
gracias mi amor
for melting my frozen heart
Dan Campbell
ice moon
indifferent
to a crackling fire
Rob Barkan
*
love bound
in the hereafter
of 1001 nights
Betty Shropshire
gracias mi amor
for melting my frozen heart
Dan Campbell
cold moon
shows its dark side
as mountains topple
Rob Barkan
*
love bound
in the hereafter
of 1001 nights
Betty Shropshire
gracias mi amor
for melting my frozen heart
Dan Campbell
cold moon
set adrift
on an iceberg
Diana Ming Jeong
*
love bound
in the hereafter
of 1001 nights
Betty Shropshire
gracias mi amor
for melting my frozen heart
Dan Campbell
by the light of the moon
the plink and screech
of fallen snowflakes
Diana Ming Jeong
*
love bound
in the hereafter
of 1001 nights
Betty Shropshire
gracias mi amor
for melting my frozen heart
Dan Campbell
moonlit icicles
in the burned-out factory’s
broken windows
Richard Straw
*
love bound
in the hereafter
of 1001 nights
Betty Shropshire
gracias mi amor
for melting my frozen heart
Dan Campbell
a bare branch
of the Spanish chestnut
pokes the moon
Marion Clarke
And because we are coming to the end of the raucous portion of the renku, I was particularly drawn to Richard’s “burned-out factory,” Diana’s “plink and screech /of fallen snowflakes,” and Rob’s toppling mountains. In the end I felt the image of toppling mountains evoked the sense of climatic drumroll we need right now until I realized that “dark” takes us back to “night” in verse fourteen and sadly “side” is a repeat of a word in the hokku. If we were together in real time, I would ask all of us for ideas about how to change Rob’s middle line to eliminate these issues, but we are in cyberspace kept at arm’s length by our weekly cycle. In the process of writing this I starting searching for a new middle line, and Rob himself has offered it in the second verse of his that I selected for the final six—“indifferent.” So, with Rob’s permission, our verse fifteen is:
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple
Rob Barkan
And our renku so far is:
***
Side Show
the moon joins
a juggler’s side show
harvest festival
Wendy C. Bialek
a swirl of moths
orbits the yellow lamplight
Jonathan Alderfer
drifting leaves
pile up at the lock gates
on the old canal
Andrew Shimield
an inuksuk points the way
to the next adventure
Carol Jones
Earthrise
to the tune of Strauss’s ‘Thus
spake Zarathustra’
Lorin Ford
may I have this dance
for the rest of my life?
John Daleiden
I swing onto
his Vespa
fully committed
Clysta Seney
letting off a stowaway
in the middle of the heat
Laurie Greer
the cool
of the house
at the back of her mind
madeleine Kavanagh
unidentifiable
vibrations
Pamela Garry
the dog’s ears
prick up
before the doorbell
Keith Evetts
death
is listening
Barbara Anna Gaiardoni
love bound
in the hereafter
of 1001 nights
Betty Shropshire
gracias mi amor
for melting my frozen heart
Dan Campbell
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple
Rob Barkan
And now here are your instructions for verse sixteen:
- a two-line no season verse, the two lines should flow syntactically;
- link to verse fifteen in some fashion;
- the door is still open for all topics except death: war, politics, or any wild or bizarre subjects; this is the last verse of this section of the renku where the party is rowdy; I will be looking for a verse that continues the energy of verse fifteen, but that prepares us to begin our approach to the end.
- for the rest of the renku, please avoid any subjects related to festivals or circuses, carnival acts, etc. as well as death, house/home, and life; avoid mention of landscape features, such as cliffs, hills, dunes, mounds, etc., and temperature, avoid use of a foreign language, or mention of any body parts, and the process of melting, thawing, etc. for the rest of the renku; avoid time of day or night, any reference to heaven, hell, or the great beyond, any numbers, and any reference to literary works or books for the next four verses; avoid references to hearing or listening or speaking for the next three verses; please avoid mentioning four-legged animals or sound-making devices for the next two verses; avoid ID’s and vibrating objects for the next verse.
- submit your verses by midnight PDT Tuesday, August 27.
I thank you all for your submissions and for your lively participation. I wish you good writing in the coming week — and good healing and tranquility for John.
— Patricia
The Haiku Foundation reminds you that participation in our offerings assumes respectful and appropriate behavior from all parties. Please see our Code of Conduct policy: https://thehaikufoundation.org/about-thf/policies/#code-of-conduct
Comments (181)
Comments are closed.
new fossils for future
generations to discover – John Daleiden
I find this verse could generate an interesting and subjective discussion. I’ve read and reread a book by Robert Macfarlane – Underland. An informative and, towards the last few chapters, quite ominous, due to what mankind buries deep within the ground.
Capture the imagination to say the least.
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple –Rob Barkan
new fossils for future
generations to discover
natural forces sometimes
more powerful than humans
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple
——-Rob Barkan
.
an open smile
needs no translation
.
clouds come and go
as they please
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple –Rob Barkan
she picks daisies
in the strewn rock field
an altar boy snuffs
out the last candle
Lovely, John. :)
madeleine kavanagh, I am pleased you like those poems. Thank you.
Your welcome, John :).
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple
Rob Barkan
a difference
in its tilt
~ ~ ~
no ordinary road
trip
~ ~ ~
a butterfly caught
in time
~ ~ ~
his luck changing
a walk in the red sand
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple
–Rob Barkan
*
a solo condor
flapping through dust
*
an old seed sprouts
at the touch of water
*
a white-tailed ptarmigan
wakes up to palm trees
*
the river bottom
becomes a mud bath
*
a bullfrog succumbs
to the striped water snake
*
Wonderful verses, Clysta. I am quite partial to ” …a white-tailed ptarmigan…”
Thank you Madeleine. i especially appreciate your “a butterfly caught/in time” and “the snake escapes/a blessing of pets” verses.
Awww, thanks Clysta…it means a lot!
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple
— Rob Barkan
breaking free
the fig wasp
This is beautiful, Pamela! First time I have heard of a fig wasp.
Great to hear from you Madeleine. I was inspired by Melissa’s mention of a fig and the creepy nature of the fig wasp.
Great to hear from you Pamela! :) So interesting…I am looking forward to reading more about it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9DQTjv_u3Vc&pp=ygUTZmlnIHdhc3AgbGlmZSBjeWNsZQ%3D%3D
:)
Thanks, Pamela.
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple
the ants
don’t give a fig
the secrets we share
laid under the heavens
watering the flowers
her grandad smiles
the process will continue
with or without us
did the dinosaurs
know it would be this way?
unconformity
reaching out across the bridge
a new era in the
fossil record begins
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple –Rob Barkan
the intentional lie
meant to deceive all
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple
open the curtains wide
another chance today
she goes into a shop
to buy the homeless man a drink
warmth and laughter lines
at the vegan cafe
the simplicity of friendship
flows around the table
a stranger stops
and helps her with her pram
it’s the small things that count
at the end of the day
blue skies
it’s never as bad as it seems
feeding the birds
there’s always a pecking order
at the coffee shop
a baby laughs with her mum
sharing our lunch
admiring the view from the hill
over a coffee
we make a connection
They dance holding hands
around the airbase
another grey hair
yet it seems like yesterday
a single act of kindness
creates a domino effect
Diana Ming Jeong
I love this one Diane and how it connects.
Thank you Pamela! :)
Love it too, Diana!
Thank you Madeleine!!! :)
Your welcome, Diana!🥰
they laugh with such fervor
to whack a mole
Diana Ming Jeong
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple –Rob Barkan
after the tsunami
the living leave the high ground
at low tide the shore
is a sea of chaos
in the aftermath humans
console each other
dynamic recovery
despite the plunge
after the disruption we
go to the next whiskey bar
dutiful, the reverent
fall to their knees and pray
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple
a temporary cease-fire
protects those who count the votes
comando raids recapture
stolen shopping carts
Love this one, Dan!
In this series. I tried to address 3 components of the dystopia that currently exists – the election, homelessness, and unrestrained immigration. Glad that one caught your eye!
These 3 issues in particular bring it home…I am glad you used them as focal points.
darling I can’t stand it
when you look at me that way
the paparazzi waits
for another nipple slip
the hell-bent construction
of path to citizenship
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple
Rob Barkan
a juggler’s pins
clatter to silence
*
the DJ spins
one last slow song
*
a carousel slows
to a gentle stop
*
a paper dragon curls
into its tail
*
a unicyclist wobbles
through confetti dust
*
a tightrope walker balances
on the horizon’s edge
Welcome Sandip, these are all very lovely verses!
Thank you, madeleine!
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple
Rob Barkan
only a small
difference of opinion
~ ~ ~
deciding to make a difference
he helps her cross the street
~ ~ ~
a low frequency sound
the albatross soars for ages
~ ~ ~
“united
we stand”
desperate measure
he reaches for the prayer of St. Francis
~ ~ ~
a snake escapes
the blessing of the pets
the snake escapes
a blessing of pets
a desperate measure
he reaches for the prayer of St. Francis
low frequency
the albatross soars for ages
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple –Rob Barkan
without grace the clamoring
horde flee to to the next dance hall
people recover family
heirlooms from the destruction
resilient men and women
emerge from rock rubble
searchers chis-cross tumbled
ranges and find smoke vents
among the tumblers
a double-jointed couple
trapped in the wreckage
the living are rescued
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple – Rob Barkan
today’s alphabet soup word
is l-o-s-e-r
only the weatherman
notices the clouds nowadays
switching off the tv
having seen it all before
listening to Italian opera
we peel our potatoes
the seas rise
and fish swim on land
stewing the tea
as it makes a good brew
watching sitcom repeats
as rome burns
no longer looking at life
through rose tinted spectacles
nostalgia
for a past that never was
reliving my youth
a night of disco
life in the old dog
doing my Travolta moves
a wave of compassion
releases the hostages
darning a sock
I can’t see a fiscal black hole
if it’s the end
I’m still feeding the birds
things can only get better
as some might say
in the time machine
we chart a different course
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple
Rob Barkan
*
that cry still forsaken
in Brueghel’s Icarus
*
the fine line between flying
and not
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple – Rob Barkan
shoppers rush by
ignoring the banjo ballad
A flickering streetlight blinks
unnoticed in the midnight rain
A half-written letter
lies crumpled in a drawer
A kite in the tree
left to sway in the wind
no one notices
the moth in flames
waves washing over the shipwreck
night after night after night
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple –Rob Barkan
with gratitude homeless
victims accept world aid
from the rubble she claws
her way to survival
she encourages battered
souls to publish their stories
after calamity she welcomes
the offer of a warm meal
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple
Rob Barkan
….
sweet air at the end
of the tunnel
we bathe naked
in the geyser’s waters
hours spent ironing
all add up
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple
Rob Barkan
…..
the bigwig’s thoughts
are with the family
politicians also
only made of clay
acne too
will pass
Congratulation dear Rob Barkan
—
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple
Rob Barkan
———
still hear the kid
laughing
suddenly
feels so strange
no matter how much money I have
at a time like this it doesn’t mean
your jealousy
is higher than a mountain
thank you nani, very dear of ~you~.
Well done, Rob:
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple
meanwhile, a small robot
roams the wasteland
which two birds
were sent to look for land?
beware that strange algae
glowing on the lake
anyone would think
this was all planned
appreciated, marion….couldn’t have done it w/o patricia
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple –Rob Barkan
in the jumble of their teen’s
room parents find star maps
the hungry scavenge rubble
for still green plants to eat
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple –Rob Barkan
—
anyone
for a game of two-up?
—
For those in the Northern hemisphere (and I think that’s probably everyone except me) two-up is a gambling game:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Two-up
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple
Rob Barkan
naked ones
frozen in stone
moistened air on
muffled mouths
hardened reeds for
scratching papyrus
unlit torches along
empty colonnades
couples crouching
beneath frescoes
Thank you Richard…such hauntingly beautiful imagery of Pompeii.
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple –Rob Barkan
in his distant space ship the
commander smiles approval
after calamity she embraces
her frightened children
another punter
releases the dice
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple –Rob Barkan
evening surf
is a mermaid’s lullaby
choking
on thin air
banjo notes travel
further and faster in thin air
each step up feels like a lifetime
at the top I am finally ready to fly
a candle flickering in the wind
dancing between darkness and light
fading train whistles for some reason
make fallen angels weep
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple –Rob Barkan
in the war room strategists
debate how to make peace
with a white flag in front
the rag-tag procession moves
the compassionate invite
victims to share their homes
from the rubble she claws
her way to driving a Rolls
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple
Rob Barkan
*
I dunk my biscuit
a little too long
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple
Rob Barkan
…..
the lifeguard’s unimpressive
budgie-smugglers
robots come up with
a cleaner bomb
Grandma’s face at the mention
of cryptocurrency
yet another verse
about dolls in the rubble
where is the champion
of moderation
you-know-who will command
the waves to recede
the lifeguard’s unimpressive
budgie-smugglers – Keith
–
That was no lifeguard, Keith, that was a Prime Minister. (Not my favourite Prime Minister. )
https://x.com/ReanimatesPod/status/1463079564700049414
–
Chuckle. An antipodeian version of Putin and Macron. Spending time away from the office.
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple – Rob Barkan
—
Humpty Dumpty
thinks he’ll have the last word
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple – Rob Barkan
—
our local gypsy
shuffles her tarot cards
clean up
spill in aisle B
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple – Rob Barkan
–
everyone’s talking about
climate change change change
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple
——-Rob Barkan
.
the cormorant stretches
and shits before moving on
.
the zugenruhe
of thousands of waders
.
Zugenruhe is a compound German word used to describe the restless behavior of animals during a migration period (migration-anxiety) and is especially applicable to many birds.
the correct spelling is zugunruhe, I should have checked
Fascinating, and love the idea. Alas the guidance was “for the rest of the renku,….. avoid use of a foreign language”. And we had Spanish in the verse before the last one. Uchikoshi. I wonder whether there’s a good expression in English for the restlessness of migrating waders? Fretfulness? Fidgeting? For me the link and the possibilities going forward from this point (with restlessness) are attractive and we haven’t yet had birds.
Keith and Madeleine, since I’m posting late in the week you may not see this reply. As an avid birder, zugunruhe, has become a favorite word since I learned of it about ten years ago. There’s really no English equivalent. What has occurred to me more recently however is how it might apply to our species. I can imagine that earlier humans moving out of Africa or, later, crossing the Bering Sea land bridge into the Americas must have felt a similar restlessness, to say nothing of restless immigrant populations of today. Obviously there are economic and political reasons that are the major driving forces of the global movement of people today. But, might there be an underlying genetic restlessness in our species as well?
Jonathan, thank you for introducing us to the concept of “restless behavior“ of birds during migration! I had never heard of this phenomenon or its name, “Zugunruhe”. I looked it up for its pronunciation, (which sounds very beautiful.) I had no idea that ethologists have adopted the German word “zugunruhe” describing the phenomena and it already appears in biology textbooks concerning bird migration behavior…Couldn’t help posting a link below:
.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2A3eF87Elgs
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple –Rob Barkan
one dot of dandelion yellow
pokes out of crumbled rock
tsunami waves pummel
distant coastal towns
above the fray
the knocked down stand up
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple
— Rob Barkan
“When they go low, we go high”
says Michelle, ma belle
Words of wisdom from Michelle Obama…thanks Pamela!
I really enjoyed your poem about the Praying Mantis!
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple –——Rob Barkan
go directly to jail
do not pass go
Lol, Wendy!
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple
the rumble
of tumbling dice
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple –Rob Barkan
fallen to the bottom
we rise up again
on the new land we build
modern cities
re-mapping the changed Earth
an exciting / humbling task
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple –——Rob Barkan
this cloudy residue lifts away
with the same sticky tape
still seeking tranquillity
in tranquillisers
there’s a time and a place
for a thumbs up
still not pulling him up
on his post-birth bullcrap
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple
Rob Barkan
the tide removes a
sandcastle bucket
pillows envelop
a sleeping child
a cliff’s shadow recedes
as the sun goes higher
a heavy rain washes
out the colony of ants
the proud snail looks
around for validation
a man on a donkey
follows a man on a horse
she offers him
a breath mint
their
sudden clench
his square
jawed kiss
she unclasps
her locket
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple — Rob Barkan
*
back in the seventies
we had flares and the bushwren
*
The bushwren (Xenicus longipes) extinct 1972
having slipped and
fallen on hard times
well within the limits
of acceptability
all that is just
water under the bridge
Congratulations Rob. A terrific verse well written. A good choice Patricia.
thank you carol for your very kind words!
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple — Rob Barkan
–
a few raised eyebrows
at the preacher’s wild sermon
—
to frighten the horses
I can’t delete that “to frighten the horses” bit above, but I wish I could. Please just ignore it (everyone)
Perhaps:
the preacher’s wild sermon
only frightens the horses
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple — Rob Barkan
–
koor-koo koor-koo
calls a boo-book owl
–
(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Australian_boobook#/media/File:Australian_Boobook_0A2A4934.jpg
Lorin, a delight!
to whom it may concern:
this may need to be updated: from
submit your verses by midnight PDT Tuesday, August 27.
to:
submit your verses by midnight PDT Tuesday, September 3
There’s something strange afoot:
” submit your verses by midnight PDT Tuesday, August 27.” – Patricia
However, the first comment on this thread is Clysta Seney’s, on August 29, 2024 at 9:52 am
Only Doctor Who could submit a verse on August 27th now!
OOPS! Yes, please note that this week’s deadline for submissions is September 3 at midnight PDT. Thank you Wendy and Lorin for catching that.
Also, Robin Smith is going to continue posting our renku sessions–thank you, Robin.
Or Superman as he reversed time to save aLoud Lane
Otto, that is Lois. Quit changing my words.
:-)
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple –Rob Barkan
we build alliances
with former foes
the fallen nation regains
stature with peace offers
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple
Gershwin’s final song said
they’re only made of clay
Gershwin’s final song says
our love is here to stay
Patricia, one thing I’m surprised by is that this haiku by Michael Henry Lee, which I consider a winner, didn’t even make the long list of your choices:
Michael Henry Lee
August 22, 2024 at 3:42 pm
–
the frozen moon
slides down the center
of the windshield
–
So I’d be interested to know your reasons. All that I can come up with (after much trying) is that a motorcycle featured in verse #7 and the issue might be that Vespas have windshields?
I swing onto
his Vespa
fully committed (- Clysta Seney )
So would it be that after the mention of a motor vehicle , no matter how many verses have passed and despite the fact that the vehicle in Michael’s verse is implied, not stated, the mention of anything related to a motor vehicle ( car, bus, coach or long distance road train) at verse #15 would prohibit selection?
Or is it something else that might prohibit such a verse?
Hi, Lorin–Nothing in Michael’s verse made it ineligible. It wasn’t my intention to list every eligible verse. Up until this point in the renku a wide variety of verses had the potential to fit the poem. But when I started choosing potential candidates for this verse, I had in mind that it should be unusual in some way because we are at the climax of the renku. My list was shorter this time for that reason.
omg–it’s so obvious I missed it the second time. It’s the word “frozen”–which is a repeat of the word in the previous verse.
! Goodness, I missed that, Patricia. Talk about not seeing the b. obvious! Duh!
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple –Rob Barkan
affectionate to her kin
grandma spoils them all
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple
*
the dumpster dive yields
embarrassments of riches
*
the full trash bin
beside the empty pantry
*
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple
– Rob Barkan
—
Congratulations, Rob. Clearly, Patricia has no issues about personification, since here we have a personified moon, capable of being “indifferent”.
thanks lorin—so glad of that!
Lorin, why does “indifferent” necessarily attach to the moon? It could attach to the poet/observer who is “indifferent as mountains topple? In either case, I really like the word here.
Johnathon, it could only ‘attach’ to the poet/ observer if the verse was a cut verse. By ‘cut verse’ I mean a haiku or a hokku (from which haiku springs). For renku, I believe we have one, and one only, cut verse, the hokku.
This is the hokku of Basho’s (translated) renku ‘Summer Moon’
in town
the smell of things
summer moon (Boncho)
This is our current hokku (for’ Side Show’ )
the moon joins
a juggler’s side show
harvest festival (Wendy C. Bialek)
—
These are both hokku/ haiku. (Boncho’s and Wendy’s) It is clear where the cuts are. If these were in Japanese, there would be a cutting word after Line 2 in both . Whether a cut marker is used in EL haiku or not, the cut is there. (Usually after L1 or L2, but sometimes, in Japanese, at the end, after L3) The Japanese use cutting words for hokku/ haiku. (I think you’re probably aware of all this, but just in case.) EL uses cutting symbols or implies the cut.
In renku, the only cut verse is the hokku. (It has nothing to link to!) That’s for both Japanese haikai no renga and EL renku. This is important.
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple – Rob Barkan
Rob’s verse is not the hokku in this renku. Therefore it does not have a cut, marked or unmarked. Instead, it has a link to the previous verse and the subsequent verse links to this verse. . . .. The hokku is the only truly complete verse.
If Rob’s verse was the hokku, It could attach to the poet/observer who is “indifferent as mountains topple.”
It could be either:
cold moon —
I am indifferent
as mountains topple
or:
cold moon . . .
it is indifferent
as mountains topple
But, since there is no cut in this “inner verse”, since it is not the hokku, there is no “I” or “it”.:
A
the cold moon
is indifferent
as mountains topple (an example of an inner verse)
or
B
cold moon
(I am) indifferent
as mountains topple (an example of a haiku or a hokku)
The first version (A) has no cut. It’s an internal; verse in a renku. The second (B) clearly has a cut after ‘cold moon’ and is therefore not an inner renku verse but an out-of-place hokku. And a renku has ONE hokku, and one only. . In this renku. Wendy’s verse is the hokku:
the moon joins
a juggler’s side show
harvest festival
(Where is the cut? After “show”. It’s clearly implied. But perhaps there wouldn’t be issues such as you’ve brought up, Johnathan, if a cutting mark/ symbol was put in to indicate clearly where the cut is in the only renku verse that can have a cut. It would at least make things clearer for beginners, I think.)
To me, the most likely possibility in this case of “run -on” (the typical inner verse of a renku) is
the cold moon
is indifferent
as mountains topple
or
as mountains topple
the cold moon
is indifferent
or
as mountains topple
the cold moon and I
are indifferent ( I don’t like this version, but it’s a valid one, and perhaps would grow on me over time.)
Those are good comments Lorin. I understood that the alternate reading that I suggested would transform Rob’s verse into a haiku and render it inappropriate for a renku— I should have mentioned that. However, the fact remains that the verse still has a dual reading possible and you cannot expect every reader to reject the other reading just because those are the rules. Personally, I enjoy that ambiguity and the additional thought processes that are thereby triggered—one of the joys of short form poetry. I try to follow the compositional rules of renku, but, I admit, they are not always my top priority.
Johnathon, the fact is that we have a/the “cold moon (that is) indifferent as mountains tumble”.
“…the fact remains that the verse still has a dual reading possible “- Jonathon
In my view it didn’t ever have a (valid) possible dual reading and it still doesn’t. There is a personified moon, capable of indifference:.
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple – Rob Barkan
Keith, unlike humans or cats, the moon is a lump of rock. In my view it is as incapable of indifference as it is of interest. To say the moon (or anything/ anyone/ any creature) is capable of indifference suggests the capacity of being able to choose to be involved or uninvolved.
Here, it may not be “the ghastly sort of ‘personification’ or anthropomorphism”, but we do have a moon that couldn’t care less, one way or the other. Tell me that’s not personification!
Personification. Lewis Carrol was good at it and T.S. Elliot (no fool) learnt things from him. Perhaps it’s time to visit Humpty Dumpty again?
https://www.fecundity.com/pmagnus/humpty.html
Humpty Dumpty — pre-dating post-modernism by a hundred years!
Perhaps we could settle on ‘unchanged’ or ‘no different’ instead of ‘indifferent’ ?
Lorin:
Interesting issue. One could see this as depersonalisation of the moon; a statement of fact that (unlike ourselves) it is indifferent, unchanged, has no feelings… and for that reason I think it avoids the ghastly kind of ‘personification’ or anthropomorphism we see in gushing statements that do attribute feelings to a reflective lump of rock.
Your take on this, Keith was exactly how I read the verse.
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple –Rob Barkan
the suddenly paused party
resumes after hiatus
years after the big cloud
we see stars once more
in the changed world we
discover unnamed flowers
Congrats! Rob, i love this combination. And they are all your words. Our talented sabaki cherry picked the best of the best of your words, (only discarding the few, that have broken rules)…and placed them together to give them the power to say the very most they could say! Thank you, Patricia for not giving up…and for doing a magnificent revival.
A perfect tone for this renku position.
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple——-–Rob Barkan
went to sleep with haikuguy
& woke up to Joe Black
true story!!!!
haikuguy:
https://haikuguy.com/
Meet Joe Black:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mmBzENwAyBM
thank you for that compliment wendy!
ps aren’t editors the writers’ blessing?
the writer plants the garden and the
editor prunes the blooms and collects
the harvest. patricia is the best!
oh. yes!!!
and all the readers get to eat the fruits
went to sleep with haikuguy
& woke up to Joe Black
true story!!!!
—
I doubt it’s a true story, Wendy. Look: here you are posting, so you’re not dead yet.
(I have the dvd. Brad Pitt (by any other name) is gorgeous. I’ve stocked up on peanut butter just in case.)
ty. lorin…..i take that as a compliment, for my verse and brad.
i too, think he’s the most beautiful angelic
devine creature i’ve ever seen…(free on youtube)
don’t forget the spoons to go
Hi Wendy, I am rewatching “Joe Black”. I like it much better the second time ’round!
Wendy C. BIalek
went to sleep with haikuguy
& woke up to Joe Black
I love this, Wendy!
Congrats Rob on a powerful verse and thank you Patricia
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple – Rob Barkan
weary warriors slowly
marching across a chessboard
a bolt of lightning
split the old oak tree
the old home town looks
the same as I step down from the train
down the road I look and there comes Mary
hair of gold and lips like cherries
I awake and look around me
at four gray walls that surround me
yes there’s a guard and a sad old padre
on and on we’ll walk at daybreak
and a poderoso gracias to you dan!
i owe the power of this verse to
patricia’s powerful editing!
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple
Rob Barkan
*
throwing away
what could go to a pantry
*
Congratulations, Rob and Patricia for the creation of such an important verse. It immediately brought something that’s happening where I live (Long Beach, CA) to mind.
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple
–Rob Barkan
how quickly the homeless
encampment is swept clean
***
the homeless fined
for not having a home
thank you eavonka—as i watch the way the world is going,
this moves me to create these kind of verses. hopefully
they will remain sci-fi, but who knows….
Ah, Rob, I didn’t find any sci-fi in your verse. I fear it all feels already here.
Eavonka, these poems are both beautiful, especially the second… so much irony in its message.
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple –Rob Barkan
out of the rubble new land
emerges from oceans
despite fallout flora
and fauna recover
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple
Rob Barkan
along the horizon
tall angels queue
as seraphim flap wings
an archangel shouts
some living and some dead
are caught up in the clouds
an orange-faced beast
rules with grimacing smiles
warring armies converge
at the center of the earth
a lake of fire awaits
the abominable pair
the judgment divides
sheep from the goats
the river of life flows in
an immense city of gems
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple
16
pick up the pieces
at the bottom of the stairs
volcanic dust
the air full of turbulence
the dam’s gone –
pity the folks downstream
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple
Rob Barkan
desert iguana
bathing on the rocks
the leftovers
were placed in baskets
Congratulations, Rob, for an outstanding verse. I like your explanation for your mindset on your verses, and how well they blended together.
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple
–Rob Barkan
the pull of a jenga tile
from a wobbly tower
.
a careful slide of a jenga brick
from the tower
.
shaky fingers replace
a jenga tile on the tower
thanks nancy, so kind of you–i owe all to
master patricia for that blend!
I love these verses, Nan!
Thanks, Madeleine.
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple
*
Rob Barkan
*
just throw it away
and get a new one
*
laurie, love this sad but funny verse.
Laurie, I agree with Wendy…a very poignant and true statement regarding today’s society.
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple
*
Rob Barkan
*
the pure technique of that
out-of-control carriage scene
*
*
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple
Rob Barkan
*
the whole story told
in the bottom line
*
Rob, what a great verse and I love the insertion of “indifferent,” hits just the right note.
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple
——-Rob Barkan
.
partygoers stumble home
as the sun rises
.
might be better
partygoers stumble home
at sunrise
thank you jonathan–you just reminded me of that country
song “highway don’t care”—how roads—and celestial bodies—
can be aloof to human conditions….
Good insight, Rob.
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple
——-Rob Barkan
.
just enough gas
to reach the next town
.
Patricia, thank you for your winter moon explanation. Your selection of Rob’s verse definitely continues the ACTIVITY of the Renku. Your combination of two verses Rob wrote is very effective. Also, thank you for including my offerings in the long list of candidates for verse 15l
Robin Smith, thank you for stepping in to post the Renku details so writers can continue their submissions.
Rob Barken, your combined verses certainly make this Renku party a rumbling ACTIVITY. Congratulations.
John Stevenson, may you continue good healing and tranquility.
thanks john!
Rob, these combined lines are profound, as well as stunning. Thank you Patricia for this wonderful choice…I always find your commentary very helpful. It’s a joy to read and exchange poetry with others here… and I loved what Diana wrote about Rob’s verses.
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple
Rob Barkan
underneath a ton of water
the stillness of a school of fish
~ ~ ~
speeding past busy cities
road trip
the eagle
feeding her brood
like in the ‘60’s
more than ever…
“what the world needs now
is love sweet love”
very kind words, thank you madeleine!
May your recovery be speedy and complete, John. Another wonderful selection, Patricia. (Thanks for taking a closer look at one of mine!) And congratulations on your great link, Rob. Lots of follow-on possibilities with this one!
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple
Rob Barkan
lawyers on one side say
they “defend” voters’ rights
fact-checkers can’t keep
up with the fat man’s lies
the absentee ballots
reveal a close victory
all eyes and ears wait
in vain for a concession
the orange one speaks and
militias try to seize control
blood on the streets
congeals by curfew
appreciate your compliment richard!
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple
— Rob Barkan (a beautiful verse!)
passionate cannibalism
of the praying mantis
thank you pamela!
dear Patricia, i am absolutely and utterly honored and astounded, doubly so, for not only did sabaki choose my verse for this week, but you took the time and effort to edit and combine the best of two scenes i painted–a personified ice moon indifferent to heat and the calamity of an apocalyptic event (that it may be causing as it plummets to earth).
i am ecstatic and i totally approve of your magnificent edit. this is a very special day for me and i hope i have provided the material for another rewarding week of renku.
Thank you Patricia for the moon explanations! I was really struggling trying to write about my favorite: the moon! And thank you for considering mine! ☺️ Rob wrote a wonderful verse! I imagine the topple means snow? Or actual mountain 🏔️ falling. I definitely feel the indifference of the cold moon… almost feeling the cold shoulder of someone indifferent to someone else falling apart. Either way, the word “indifferent” is perfect and Rob had it all along. Great work!!! 👏
diana thanks for your compliment! “cold shoulder of someone indifferent to someone else falling apart”–that’s a fascinating angle i never thought of–excellent observation by bringing the verse into the human world!
Diana, hope to see more of your poetry, soon. I miss your wonderful and unique verses.
Madeleine! Thank you! You are too kind! 🌸 I enjoy your beautiful verses too! I’m back! Time for me to catch up! ☺️
Glad to hear this, Diana! :)
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple
Rob Barkan
*
graphing the peaks and troughs
of inflation data
*
how hunger looks to data
not people
*
A perfect choice, Patricia! And the explanation of moon verses was fascinating and useful. Congratulations to Rob for this little gem!
*
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple
Rob Barkan
*
an x and y axis
make the situation clear
*
the x and y axis
plot a twist in the data
*
thank you laurie for considering my (patricia’s and my) verse a gem.
(like the cold gleaming moon–a moonstone?)
cold moon
indifferent
as mountains topple
Rob Barkan
standing there
in his suit soaking wet
Congratulations Rob for touching all the right notes and for Patricia’s lucid explanation of what a winter moon verse is and piecing it together from Rob’s perfect notes. I believe in learning by doing and for me the timelags of this medium help resolve the blur of the normal fast-paced conversation of the group renku. I better understand “the rules of the game.” And, I’m having fun pondering everyone’s offerings and comments. TY THF volunteers!
grateful for your appreciation of my verses Clysta!