The Renku Sessions: Rasika Renku, Week 5
Welcome to The Haiku Foundation’s Sixth Renku Session.
I (Kala Ramesh) will be your sabaki for this renku. Thanks to Jim Kacian and John Stevenson for giving me this opportunity. I’ve learned the art of renku from Norman Darlington, Moira Richards, John Carley and Eiko Yachimoto. I’ve been writing renku from 2006 and I’ve been a sabaki of many renku trips and was the guest renku editor at A Hundred Gourds 5:2.
Rasika renku – 4th stanza.
22 renkujin have submitted 46 candidates for this slot.
Please note what John Carley has said about the renku: It is essential to remember, when learning these conventions, that renku is art. It is not a forensic investigation, or a high school debating society. Renku is about periodicity and modulation. It deals not so much with absolute novelty as with recontextualisation. Renku cannot be written by adherence to ‘rules’. We are artists. We must understand our materials. And create.
***
Now for some more details on what makes renku click:
Jo-ha-kyu forms the backbone of all renku. In a nutshell, what do these terms mean?
Jo – introduction – to create a friendly and relaxed atmosphere
Ha – delineation/expansion
Kyu – rapid close
See how the tone and perspective changes in each of these movements. In rasika, wanting to give an undiluted taste of a longer renku, I’ve tried to keep the jo-ha-kyu, but in a more relaxed manner. So, we can say the hokku and the wakiku form the *Jo* – the introduction. The daisan along with the next 3 verses form the *Ha*, the expansion (where foreign words and your country’s flavours can be explored). *Kyu* is the rapid close – we don’t linger over words and images or elongate our vowels.
Coming from a musical background, I look for rhythmic coherence. I constantly read the verses aloud and see if the rhythm is strong. Just going by syllable counts or using the number of lines alone to differentiate between ‘short’ and ‘long’ verses is insufficient.
Many, many offers for this slot were excellent and I would suggest you keep them as ‘pocket’ verses for your next renku trip. Surprisingly, many candidates were concerned with water, and the next slot in the schema is about rain!
It would be unfair to pick just a few to comment upon but my favourites are:
long lines of seaweed
in the Sargasso Sea
Polona Oblak
.
curls of smoke drift
from burnt juniper and sage
Mary Kendall
I learned so much about the reasons why juniper and sage are burnt, and would have loved to use this, but it involves people gathering for ancestral ceremonies in both Native America and India and that takes us back to the hokku.
.
at slack tide
the estuary falls silent
Sally Bigger
.
the hollow echo
of a swinging gate
Brendon Kent
.
intensifying threats
of hydrogen bombs
Barbara A. Taylor
.
dust devils twirling down
the gravel road
Michael Henry Lee
All these verses and many others are lovely, but they mention either a body of water, a hint of some season, human presence, or images that link to the hokku. Please remember that in *rasika*, since it’s so short, we need to avoid repeating images already used. A few of the verses had animals in them – forgetting we’ve just had an ermine in Karen’s verse. A few had lovely fresh images but the *leap* wasn’t sufficient, for the verse was hovering around the ermine.
Zen meditation is about absolute *awareness*. I personally think a renkujin needs so much of this rare quality when on a renku trip :))
It was extremely difficult to choose a candidate for this slot, but after much deliberation I’ve chosen:
the rhythmic swish
of water on pebbles
Marion Clarke
Yes, it’s about water but I loved the link and the total shift – quite a leap. I was able to include it in this slot by changing the schema. Your next love verse is in summer and not a monsoon verse. Please check the revised schema below.
Marion has linked seamlessly to the daisan and has shifted (quite a leap) into the sound of water on pebbles. Master Basho has written about various ways of linking and one of them is the seamless link from the verse above into your image. Not easy at all. We all know being simple is the most difficult thing to achieve.
Congratulations, Marion.
The next verse is slot # 5:
Summer season
Love verse – coming of love / first attraction
Strong human presence
3 lines – around 14 syllables
Please avoid rain or bodies of water, houses, household articles, doors and windows, animals.
How are love verses tackled in renku?
It’s all about human adult love, which means love between the same sexes or opposite sexes. It does not include your love for pets and other objects. Please don’t use words like *love, passion etc*. Be subtle.
Incidentally, when I was asked to teach 11-year-olds haiku and renku at the British School Delhi in 2013, I was stumped for a while, not knowing how I was going to tackle the love verses. After much thought and reflection, I deviated from tradition, and told the children to write about their love towards their parents… and this is what they wrote. I was not disappointed at all.
smiling
my mom hugs me
seeing my finished artwork / Rishabh Jain (11 yrs)
a love heart for daddy
on Valentine’s day / Julian Ferrand (10 yrs)
The completed junicho was published in cattails Youth Corner in 2015.
Back to our trip, the verses we have:
Rasika renku:
tonight’s moon –
eight champagne glasses
catch the shine / lorin
a white silk hat left
on the hat stand / sanjuktaa
Look! an ermine
bolting out from under
that boulder / karen
the rhythmic swish
of water on pebbles / marion
Rasika Schema: Revised
1. long – hokku | autumn moon*
2. short – wakiku | non-seasonal*
3. long – daisan | winter*
4. short – non-seasonal
5. long – beginning of summer | love
6. short – non-seasonal | love
7. long – spring blossom *
8. ageku – non-seasonal *
The asterisks show the important verses in this renku.
I would like no more than 3 candidates per poet, and please post them by Monday, 6th November. The next posting will be on 9th November, next Thursday morning (Eastern US time) along with the instructions for submitting the 6th verse. Keep a close watch on this space!
Thanks once again for all your lovely offers. Half our trip is over and it’s looking impressive! Keenly waiting to read your candidates for verse #5.
In renku spirit and friendship,
Kala Ramesh
This Post Has 87 Comments
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first glimmer. . .
a dandelion brushed
beneath her chin
Terrie,
Are you giving us a hokku/haiku …?!?
:))
i know this is past the deadline, so just for fun…
–
returning
from my holiday
no longer a virgin
Thanks, Polona,
I’m still mulling over the offers for this slot and yes, this verse brought a smile :))
Polona,
Thinking aloud:
Wondering if this verse would sound better with the ‘I’ coming into the picture …
.
.
returning
from my holiday
I’m no longer a virgin
.
.
What do you feel about this minor edit, Polona?
It reads more like a sentence ku and flow well.
Please do get back :))
I’m fine with the edit but since we have a progressive verb in the ermine verse (leap-over), here’s another idea:
.
I return
from the holiday
no longer a virgin
.
… or, perhaps:
.
no longer a virgin
when I return
from the holiday
.
or, even
.
when I return
from the holiday
I’m no longer a virgin
.
but I’m always open to other suggestions…
🙂
Marion, I LOVE this verse. Kala, a perfect choice. 🙂
.
the rhythmic swish
of water on pebbles / Marion
.
.
plucking petals
from the flower
is this love or not
.
petal by petal
she chants
he loves me, he loves me not
.
.
like attracts like
but love breaks all rules
blue eyes and brown
Thank you, Mary! 🙂
Mary,
Verse # 7 is blossom.
*petals* are out for this love verse.
Do read the schema that is given above.
Oh dear Kala, I’m sorry. I should have known better.
Giri:
.
he slowly unravels
her sari
unhooks her blouse
.
Giri Ramanathan
.
I really liked this verse, but neither the sari nor the type of sari (pochampalli) signifies summer. Of course we could add *cotton* and add an *and* to L 3 to make it sound like a proper in between renku verse.
.
he slowly unravels
her cotton sari
and unhooks her blouse
.
Do tell me if you are ok with this minor edit.
.
The focus here is more on *love making* rather than *the coming of love*. . . but your candidate is most sensual and sensuous. . . and I like it a lot.
.
I guess, I’m confused…given the white silk hat, wouldn’t any clothing be a repeat subject for this short rasika?
Point noted, Betty :))
Thanks
☺
Bronze Goddess
eau de parfum
as I cast my net
or
Bronze Goddess
eau de parfum
just as I cast my net
withdrawing these verses…
the self-conscious way
she twists her hair
around her finger
Like this Terry …
Sensuous and very musical.
on the hotel beach
he brushes the sand
slowly off her hips
Oh the perfect choice Kala!
Congratulations Marion, love it☺
the rhythmic swish
of water on pebbles / marion
*
how it all begins
with that kiss behind
the bandstand
Brendon
☺
Thank you, Brendon. This verse was inspired by the pebble/shingle beach here in Warrenpoint (where, incidentally, we have a lovely bandstand that dates from 1908 – so your offering made me smile!)
Ah yes I know it Marion…a lovely verse, bring back bandstands!
*that* kiss?
We’ve just had *that* boulder :))
Ah yes..oops!
May it be this instead!
how it all began
with a kiss behind
the bandstand
One last change!!
how it all began
with a barefoot kiss
behind the bandstand
Brendon Kent
lavender on the hills –
his eyes enchanted
by a curl
Your cut and punctuation at the end of L1 makes your offer a hokku/haiku.
our first looks
and in the last halt
someone pats me
for so long Madame
today he calls me
by my first name
***
last night’s wine
and this morning’s coffee
settle under the plum
***
starting a baguette
at each end: what happens
in the middle
holding hands
for the first time
tilt-a-whirl
laughing
we smear each other’s faces
with sunscreen
probably no faces after the hat…
laughing
we smear each other
with sunscreen
i like the selected verse. nicely done, Marion ank Kala!
.
not that i see anything wrong, just wondering: don’t you find the connection between pebbles and the boulder similar to that between a body of water and precipitation (which you dumped for the sake of the selection)?
. . . just another opinion, Polona, but the connection of the two parts/types of “stone” is a link from stanza to stanza. Large to small is another. Just my 2 cents worth, the two would be improper if NOT next to each other as a linking technique.
Another link is Marion’s use of “rhythmic” alongside the motion of a moving ermine. Most of the Mustelids / weasels sort of undulate.
thank you for your 2 cents, Paul, your opinion is always appreciated. i actually thought the ermine’s movement linking to the water’s movement was a nice and subtle link.
if i understand correctly Kala specifically asked not to link too closely since the rasika is such a short form so was a bit surprised that pebbles and the rock were not deemed too close a link (while a body of water and rain/monsoon were)
having said all this, i still like Marion’s verse. 🙂
I see your point, Polona
_k
I’ve just read your comments with interest, Polona, Paul and Kala. Yes, the boulder and pebble are close. I wonder if it were “the rhythmic swish of water on shingle” or “on sand” would it be better?
marion
Although even “shingle” might be considered too close to “boulder”? This type of beach is very common around here https://www.thebeachguide.co.uk/northern-ireland/county-down/warrenpoint.htm
Polona, Paul and Marion,
.
I gave all your suggestions and opinions a good thought and feel that the *boulder* in Karen’s verse is in a different setting and the *pebbles* in Marion’s is taking us more to the sound of the water … yes, these repercussions and resonances make a renku trip come alive and I strongly feel that Marion’s verse fits in well here.
.
But I’m learning each day from all your comments and I think *rasika* is going to benefit from all these interactions. The *link and shift* is difficult to understand – the *link and leap* will of course be a challenge to both the renkujin and the sabaki – and yes, this trip has taught me a lot.
.
thank you for your thoughtful reply, Kala. yes, i, too, like the sound effect of Marion’s verse, and yes, we are all learning as we go
🙂
Thanks, Polona.
_k
at the snow ball dance
repeatedly trying
to melt an iceberg
Please make a note:
Here are my three offerings slightly altered!
he slowly unravels
her sari
unhooks her blouse
.
he slowly unravels
her sari
unhooks her zari blouse
.
he slowly unravels
her pochampalli sari
unhooks her zari blouse
Congrats, Marion!
lightning strikes
as we dine together
in the Hotel Grand
*
thunder clouds
yet swept away
with pure desire
*
barefoot
we dance syrtaki
on burning sands
Thanks, Barbara.
marion
on their blind date
they share steaming-hot
bamboo shoot soup
OR
after they share
bamboo shoot soup
it’s a steamy blind date
pulling he closer
on this last dance
of the school year
Thank you for choosing my verse, and saying such nice things, Kala.
.
marion
You’re most welcome, Marion
_()_
I don’t seem to be able to post another reply under the discussion about “boulder/pebble”, Kala, but I’m pleased you think the original verse is good to go. 🙂
Thanks again.
marion
barefoot & radiant
they catch their breath
between dances
kjmunro
such a lovely, lively vision 🙂
Yay Marion! Your verse is a delight to my senses!
–
blaming the sun
for her face warming
at his touch.
Thank you, Debbie!
Regards
marion
only a cool breeze
passing
between them
the rhythmic swish
of water on pebbles
.
Marion Clarke
.
in glaring sun
her landscaper reads
D. H. Lawrence
🙂 Great, Carmen . . . no prizes for guessing which novel. 🙂
(It recontextualizes Marion’s ku, too.)
—
– Lorin
🙂 🙂 🙂
in the tent
sleeping bags
zipped together
Nice one Agnes!
🙂 Thanks 🙂
the rhythmic swish
of water on pebbles
.
Marion Clarke
.
under the hot sun
an alluring tango
between strangers
Not sure if this is too close to nature?
together
planting seed into
virgin soil
sleepless
with the thought
of his touch
.
entwined
in the park grass
passing boaters tease us
he slowly unravels
her sari
unhooks her blouse
he slowly
unravels
her pochampalli sari
he slowly
unbuttons
her zari blouse
I should have left a blank line between the verses!
My 3 offerings:
he slowly unravels
her sari
unhooks her blouse
he slowly
unravels
her pochampalli sari
he slowly
unbuttons
her zari blouse
Thanks, Giri.
.
You need to add a dot or some thing, so that all your 3 offers don’t lump up together.
I’ve taken it in my doc as 3 candidates :))
.
_kala
Congratulations, Marion!
________________________________
she hands him
a basket of wildflowers
and a tanka
*
learning how to fly
she perches gently
on his shoulder
*
stealing glances
on the tennis court
hoping to get caught
*
Michael are you referring to a pet in verse two?
I think Kala mentioned, no pets.
Thank you, Michael!
Or better?
fingers entwined
slipping naked into
the star lit lagoon
fingers entwined
they slip naked into
the star lit lagoon
Mary, I think you need to avoid mentioning any bodies of water in your offers for this verse, as we have the sea in Marion’s verse.
Scratch it & try again?
—
– Lorin
Congratulations, Marion. 🙂 An inspired and subtle link from the sudden bolting of the ermine to the motion of the sea and the timely shift away from the previous focus on things seen to to our sense of hearing.
I hear an incoming tide, the sound of the sea moving further and further up a pebble beach, as I imagine yours in Ireland is. A sound that, to me, is so relaxing and comforting.
—
Very nice choice, Kala!
—
– Lorin
Thank you so much, Lorin.
Your comments mean a lot to me and you know it :))
Thank you, Lorin. Yes, we have a pebble beach here in Warrenpoint.
nice verse Marion / Kala thank you for a most insightful commentary
************************************************
a short night
filled with furtive glances
of sheer longing
Thanks, Michael
Congratulations, Marion 🙂
Another gentle addition, can almost hear the water tumbling amongst the pebbles.
An absolute delight to read such wonderful verses written by ones so young, thanks for sharing, Kala.
Thanks a million, Carol
Happy you are enjoying this trip.
_()_
Hahahahahahaha – I thought you meant that I was so younhh, Carol!
That’s for commenting.
Regards
marion
Sorry, I find it really difficult to type on my phone!
I should have placed a space between comments, marion…not saying your not young mind :):)
I have to look wice, on times when using a keyboard 🙂
😄
two teenagers
draw their hearts
on the hot sand