The Renku Sessions: Pilgrims' Stride 7

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1. her map of the universe
   in three colors

2. Thank you, everyone! There will be a new post tomorrow morning at 9:00 (eastern US time).

3. slight hum
   of a drone
   in fog
   –Alice Frampton

   this paper heart-shaped
   love note on my pillow

4. slight hum
   of a drone
   in fog
   –Alice Frampton

   and now this heart-shaped
   love note on my pillow

5. slight hum
   of a drone
   in fog

   all the kisses
   on her birthday card

6. letting his voice unfold
   the night

7. slight hum
   of a drone
   in fog

   –Alice Frampton

   two people looking to bump
   into each other

   –Alan Summers

8. slight hum
   of a drone
   in fog

   –Alice Frampton

   she looks for a cologne
   to meet her match

   –Alan Summers

9. slight hum
   of a drone
   in fog

   –Alice Frampton

   she looks for a cologne
   to find her match

   –Alan Summers

10. slight hum
    of a drone
    in fog

    –Alice Frampton

    he looks for a perfume
    to match her mood

    –Alan Summers

11. she’s wide awake
    as he snores

12. he keeps track
    of their pill taking

13. slight hum
    of a drone
    in fog

    the blind girl
    feels for his smile

14. their anniversary clock
    chimes once again

15. her tears of joy
    as his boat emerges

16. she laughs and cries
    when his boat appears

17. he tells me all
    about Cicero

18. slight hum
    of a drone
    in fog

    –Alice Frampton

    sweet words of love
    echo and echo

19. slight hum
    of a drone
    in fog

    – Alice Frampton

    swept off her feet
    by a wink and a smile 🙂

20. slight hum
    of a drone
    in fog

    he whirls her
    round and round

21. slight hum
    of a drone
    in fog

    he twirls her
    round and round

22. I meant

    slight hum
    of a drone
    in fog

    kissing
    he whirls her round and round

23. slight hum
    of a drone
    in fog

    kissing he whirls her round and round

24. slight hum
    of a drone
    in fog

    – Alice Frampton

    she trembles as he slips
    the ring on her finger

25. my ex and I
    speed dating

    (though I like the improper English of the previous version)

26. me and the ex
    speed dating

27. slight hum
    of a drone
    in fog

    –Alice Frampton

    a watermark on all
    but one love note

    –Alan Summers

28. slight hum
    of a drone
    in fog

    –Alice Frampton

    running to a lover
    picking up the pieces

    –Alan Summers

29. slight hum
    of a drone
    in fog

    –Alice Frampton

    I no longer need
    my batteries

    –Alan Summers

30. Yo Chris,

    Love the speed dating one!
    My old age poem too close to Grandmother, now that I think about it.

    Smiles,
    Alice

31. another try
    at speed dating

32. Just for fun –

    after seventy-five years
    they still hold hands

    (My aunt and uncle)

33. slight hum
    of a drone
    in fog

    –Alice Frampton

    our 20-year marriage
    is better for its battles

    – Leah Meyers

34. slight hum
    of a drone
    In fog

    – Alice Frampton

    from dreams of Mr Darcy
    she wakes to Mr Bean

35. slight hum
    of a drone
    In fog

    – Alice Frampton

    his blush deepens
    beneath the weight of her gaze

36. slight hum
    of a drone
    In fog

    – Alice Frampton

    his blush deepens
    under the weight of her gaze

37. slight hum
    of a drone
    In fog

    – Alice Frampton

    her hand trembles
    as he slips on the ring

38. his poetry
    lost in translation

39. slight hum
    of a drone
    in fog

    –Alice Frampton

    translating notes d’amour
    in all five ways

    –Alan Summers

40. slight hum
    of a drone
    in fog

    –Alice Frampton

    counting the number
    of tear-stained letters

41. slight hum
    of a drone
    in fog

    –Alice Frampton

    the watermark across
    fifty-two love notes

    –Alan Summers

42. software engineers
    lost in each other

43. startled lovers laughing
    at the blast of a ship’s horn

44. her secret smile
    at his text

45. beneath screaming seagulls
    a pair of lovers stroll

46. A play on words with missiles and missives.

    slight hum
    of a drone
    in fog

    –Alice Frampton

    counting the number
    of tear-stained missives

    –Alan Summers

47. slight hum
    of a drone
    in fog

    –Alice Frampton

    counting the number
    of tear-stained notes

    –Alan Summers

48. Thanks John! 🙂

    slight hum
    of a drone
    in fog

    –Alice Frampton

    uncovering notes d’amour
    in the old postbox

    –Alan Summers

49. Alice,

    “[M]ight renku have undergone some changes, and actually be in flux even as we speak[?]”

    Absolutely. It is growing out of itself like a water lily. A tradition that is constantly evolving.

    The advent of internet communications has accelerated the process, for better and for worse.

    I’ve composed renku in a variety of settings. My first one was composed over my kitchen table, with Ion Codrescu as my guest and guide. It took us most of a morning (20 verse format). Face-to-face composition remains my favorite kind of renku experience and I seek it out wherever the opportunity exists. I have even participated in a series of live performances in collaboration with a Japanese dance company (and poets Bill Higginson, Penny Harter, and Terry Ann Carter) in which we alternated improvised dance, music, and poetry in a renku-based format.

    My favorite on-line experiences have been of two kinds. One was a long series of compositions led by Professor Fukuda, which resulted in the publication of a renku book titled “Pilgrimage.” The other is a series of experiences in which I have worked with a single poet, often a newcomer to renku. It seems to me though, that our current effort is significantly different than any on-line experience I’ve had. And a world of difference when compared to any face-to-face compositions.

    PS to Alan. The more verses the better!

50. slight hum
    of a drone
    in fog

    –Alice Frampton

    the crafting of letters
    in another language

    –Alan Summers

51. Thanks for all the hard work John. I feel guilty adding a few verses now, so I’ll just post one at the moment, and let the conversation continue.

    warm regards,
    Alan

52. Dear John,

    You’re doing a great job. I’m really enjoying all the input, and I’m learning so many new things, or things I’ve forgotten. And I’m so glad Lorin helped me find the archives, so now I feel that I’ve been part of the party from the beginning.

    I’d like to know if you feel, as haiku has undergone some changes, so, too, might renku have undergone some changes, and actually be in flux even as we speak, as you’ve pointed out how different are the venue and timeline?

    I, for one, like a bit of flexibility to keep things interesting. I feel your balancing act hits the mark.

    With a bow to the pioneer,
    Alice

53. Mary and everyone,

    No offense taken. This might be an opportunity to say something I haven’t yet said about the project we are undertaking.

    I have two main tasks here. One is obvious – serving as your guide in this renku session. The other may be less obvious. As the inaugurator of this feature, which I hope will continue with other leaders, I have to attempt to establish a model that will work now and in the future.

    There are some special challenges involved. An open public and international forum is a near antithesis to the setting in which renku was first developed and practiced. In order to fairly present some semblance of a renku session on-line and with an open and fluid group, I have to perform both the traditional role of sabaki and also the role of pioneer. To succeed as a pioneer, one must adapt to new realities. Some of the new realities of leading a renku session under the present circumstances include:

    • The fact that the group consists of an unknown number of people
    • The group consists of people with extreme differences in past experience and present motivation for participation
    • The session is designed to take thirty-six weeks (originally, a Kasen renku would be completed in a single session, in less than a day)
    • The session does not take place face-to-face, so the penchant of internet communication to foster false impressions and misunderstandings is a factor and the loss of the opportunity to evaluate the clarity of one’s instructions by reading individual faces and body language.

    This is not a comprehensive list. I am exploring the terrain as we go and will appreciate any understanding and encouragement I get in the process.

    Thank you,
    John

54. I just found my comment about the syls. I am writing on a new smart phone because I am away from lap top and I’m a bit slow. John,sorry if my comment was a kind of smart arse one. Brevity undid me.

    bleary eyed smile
    searching for his name

55. Lorin excuse my clumsiness. I had no intention of undermining the Sabaki. John forgive me.

56. slight hum
    of a drone
    in fog

    accompanied by the click and whirl of cameras
    bride and bride exchange a soft kiss

57. slight hum
    of a drone
    in fog

    through the soft click and whir of cameras
    groom and groom exchange a kiss

58. Glad to see most of the questions of the day have been answered while I was away from my computer, in rehearsals. Regarding the display of comments, Dave would be the person to contact about that.

59. Dear Lorin and others,
    Found the archives by going into “search” and typing in “Pilgrim’s Stride 1 (or whichever number). Already found “no further cuts in this renku.” A rule to be remembered . . . this will really help.
    Thanks again!
    Yours,
    Alice

60. @ Mary White

    “I and other Sabaki did this on many occasion Renku over at the Renku Group. Keep the chosen verse and adjust.”

    If you have been involved in renku at TRG, and had a go or three at being sabaki , then you’ll have been made aware of Rule #1: One renku, one sabaki.

    Query, but do not instruct the sabaki.

    – Lorin

61. Thanks Lorin,

    I’ll find them then. I’d like to read from the beginning.

    Happy Spring,
    Alice

62. a dragonfly hovers
    over the swaying reeds

    –Karen Cesar

    slight hum
    of a drone
    in fog

    –Alice Frampton

    emerging a bit ruffled
    from her Obsession

63. Hi Alice,
    I can answer your first question. Yes, John’s instructions for the previous verses are archived. There are two (or three) ways of accessing them.

    On the THF home page, you’ll find, at the top of the page:

    The Renku Sessions
    Join in The Renku Sessions, led by John Stevenson. Go to »

    1. Both The Renku Sessions (in blue) & Go to >> are live links to the archives . . . just click, then click the live-linked word ‘troutswirl’ and scroll down.

    2. Or, from home page, click ‘Social Media’ on the menu at the top, click ‘Blog’ and scroll down.

    In both cases, you’ll find all the other blog posts too, so scroll down until you find ‘previous entries’. ‘The Renku Sessions: Pilgrims’ Stride 6’, eg, is on the 2nd page, the others are further back.

    In my view, reading up the comments isn’t a problem, just something some may need to get used to. Each post has the date & time at the top, so it’s clear which comments were posted first.

    – Lorin

64. John,

    I have a couple of housekeeping questions:
    I’m wondering if the previous comments from the earlier verses are archived somewhere, for learning/teaching purposes? (So that new poets can read back for rules.) I can’t seem to find them.
    Also, could there be an opposite way to record the comments, so as poets can read down through the comments instead of up through? Might be easier to keep the thread.
    Maybe Dave can help? Does he still set the website forms?
    (The above question about thread might not be possible technically. I’m just wondering.)

    Thanks again,
    Alice

65. unmanned so long
    she hits the dating site

66. slight hum
    of a drone
    in fog
    –Alice Frampton

    only now I find
    your love note at my door

67. slight hum
    of a drone
    in fog

    –Alice Frampton

    his parting words between her tears
    we’ll always have Paris

68. the atmosphere
    thick with teenage pheromones

69. Hi John

    I like the drone verse. It links well. No KB. 7 syls following an 11 slys 2 line verse and opening the second side? In my humble opinion asking for the verse to be tweaked to add syls/cadence would be a solution. I and other Sabaki did this on many occasion Renku over at the Renku Group. Keep the chosen verse and adjust

70. slight hum
    of a drone
    in fog

    -Alice Frampton

    thatch fire lovers
    an infinitesimal death

    -Patrick Sweeney

71. oops no comma

    through her veil
    the bride watches the procession

72. slight hum
    of a drone
    in fog
    –Alice Frampton

    through her veil.
    the bride watches the procession

73. Thanks John!
    I’m enjoying reading all the submissions and comments, and looking forward to seeing where the renku goes next.
    Smiles,
    Alice

74. Alice,

    Two good questions.

    1) I would like the love verses to be clearly recognizable as such. That’s about as exact as I can be about it and I’m aware that this is quite open to interpretation. In my opinion, your example would not quite register clearly as a love verse (though context might tip things in its favor).

    2) We have a lot of participants (!!!) and I want to include as many poets in the renku as we can manage. It will almost certainly be quite a while before any poet appears a second time (if at all) but I dearly hope that everyone will keep playing and offering verses. One thing to bear in mind about that, though, is that your verse may serve as the inspiration for a variation by another poet and that variation may be what is selected. If you are up for that kind of collaboration, I certainly want to see your ideas whenever you feel like sharing an offer!

    Thanks for asking.

75. slight hum
    of a drone
    in fog
    –Alice Frampton

    chanting of the monks
    at their wedding

76. slight hum
    of a drone
    in fog

    –Alice Frampton

    her current nerd cute
    without his horn-rims

    – Lorin

77. slight hum
    of a drone
    in fog

    –Alice Frampton

    her current nerd cute
    in his horn-rims

    – Lorin

78. slight hum
    of a drone
    in fog

    –Alice Frampton

    the smokey shadows
    of her dimples

    – Alan Summers

79. his fingertips
    interpreting the signals

80. Hi Alice,
    Sorry I don’t have a clue !
    I am here for the ride:)

81. slight hum
    of a drone
    in fog

    –Alice Frampton

    their naked bodies
    on a heart shaped chaise

82. Dear Group,
    I know I’m ineligible, but I’d like to pose a question and an example. Can the verse allude to love, or does it have to say it straight out?

    yarn over, yarn under . . .
    her due date

    ps. How many verses until I can resubmit? Sorry if this has already been discussed.

    Alice

83. slight hum
    of a drone
    in fog

    as your lips touch mine
    a jolt of electricity

    – Sandra Simpson

84. slight hum
    of a drone
    in fog

    as our hands come together
    a jolt of electricity

    – Sandra Simpson

85. Thank you for the clarification John.

    slight hum
    of a drone
    in fog

    that heady fizz
    of our first kiss

    – Sandra Simpson

86. slight hum
    of a drone
    in fog

    –Alice Frampton

    a church bell rings
    for a shotgun wedding

87. tender murmurings
    almost heard

88. slight hum
    of a drone
    in fog

    –Alice Frampton

    at a great distance
    they dream together

89. slight hum
    of a drone
    in fog

    –Alice Frampton

    silent phone unanswered
    year after year

90. slight hum
    of a drone
    in fog

    –Alice Frampton

    tender dreams flow between us
    untouched and touching

91. slight hum
    of a drone
    in fog

    –Alice Frampton

    our unhurried steps
    becoming hurried steps

92. That’s the spirit, Karen!

93. a dragonfly hovers
    over the swaying reeds

    slight hum
    of a drone
    in fog

    stretched out on her velvet couch
    a fifth beer in his hand

    * getting rid of ‘ ing’ adding a body part

94. a dragonfly hovers
    over the swaying reeds

    slight hum
    of a drone
    in fog

    stretched out on her velvet couch
    drinking his fifth beer

    * maybe better flipped

95. a dragonfly hovers
    over the swaying reeds

    slight hum
    of a drone
    in fog

    drinking his fifth beer
    stretched out on her velvet couch

    🙂 ( know I’m intelligible to play this round but loving the game)

96. slight hum
    of a drone
    in fog

    before our senior prom date
    her dad checked up on me

97. slight hum
    of a drone
    in fog

    –Alice Frampton

    a love letter
    in invisible ink

98. slight hum
    of a drone
    in fog

    –Alice Frampton

    two wedding bands
    on the table

99. I want to get back to the question from Sandra.

    “We have “sonata” on a “piano” being “played” and then, in the leap-over verse, we have “hum” … is there enough shift?”

    This is well observed, Sandra, and might indeed be considered a flaw in our renku. And it is less important to me that our renku be flawless than that we learn what its flaws may be.

    I don’t consider it a serious flaw myself but it’s important to acknowledge that reasonable people could disagree on this. Certainly if we had a person “humming” in verse seven, it would be too close to the contents of verse five. My feeling is that everything in verse five tends toward “music” and that the “hum” in verse seven is clearly “mechanical” in nature and in no way suggests music. But some would consider that just the emphasis on sound is too close.

    The degree of rigor we apply to these evaluations is something that can be tacitly agreed upon in most renku situations, where we have a set number of participants and some ground rules can be either stated in advance or developed in the course of practice. The manner of composition in which we are currently engaged is very different and new to me. In consequence, I have not been very rigorous in my approach. I am committed, for instance, to accepting one verse every week. In order to do this, I will have to take what I consider the best of what is offered, even if it results in some minor flaws. Or, rather, things that would be considered flaws if all of the participants were well versed in renku and had already agreed to a high degree of rigor in their practice.

    So, I acknowledge Sandra’s point. Before we submit our love verse, we should have a look at verse six, the new leap-over verse, and be certain that there does not seem to be any linkage.

100. Lorin (and everyone),

     I anticipate that a very short verse will not be selected any time soon. If I select another short verse, it will probably not be before verse 19. Why 19?

     In case some of you are not confused enough – in addition to the three parts of the jo-ha-kyu, there is a sense in which the renku is divided into four “pages.” This comes from the traditional way in which a renku was recorded on paper in Japan. With this in mind, the ha (or development) can be thought of as consisting of two pages. Verses 7 through 18 are the first “page” of the ha and verses 19 through 30 are the second “page.” So, if I get a really tempting short verse 19 offer, I may take it. We’re talking about sometime in July!

101. Thank you Lorin,

     However, with all the intellectual explanations and I emphasise intellectual, one is trying too hard to make it work. For me it does not work and spoils the whole collection so far. This is my gut reaction. When one has to explain intellectually, then one has lost the game already.

102. error:
     “Will it affect the whole of the jo section?”

     Duh. I meant the ha section: Will it affect the whole of the ha section?

     jo-ha-kyu . . . never can remember these Japanese terms accurately!

     – Lorin

103. 3-line & 2-line verses in English-language renku are of course an adaptation of the Japanese ‘long verse’ / ‘short verse’. Having an extremely minimal ‘long’ verse, such as Alice’s, to begin the jo section does bring up issues of flow & cadence. How will this affect verse 8? Will it affect the whole of the jo section? And the final section, kyu, the movement of which is ‘quick to the finish’?

     Perhaps it’s be good to hear from John about how he views these issues, and see if he has any guidelines regarding his expectations about length and cadence for verse 8, and onward from there.

     (John is in the unenviable position, as sabaki, of being the composer of the poem, but the group needs to know about any implicit expectations that might affect his choice of v. 8, and onwards. )

     – Lorin

104. slight hum
     of a drone
     in fog

     questions of love or lust –
     her blurred vision?

105. slight hum
     of a drone
     in fog

     fined for texting
     I love you

106. slight hum
     of a drone
     in fog

     hand-in-hand, slowly
     through the dense forest

107. slight hum
     of a drone
     in fog

     –Alice Frampton

     silhouettes
     hand in hand

108. murmurings
     almost heard

109. gravestones
     lovecries

110. ps, Dru, it doesn’t matter, anyway, if a link to the previous verse is a close link. What John has pointed out about ‘shift’ is that it’s the verse before the previous verse that must be shifted away from entirely.

     eg, when writing verse C in context of verses A & B, we link to B and shift completely away from A.

     – Lorin

111. Ruth and Dru,
     For what it’s worth, the ‘drone’ link occurred to me as well. I came on and saw Alice’s, so didn’t post or try to hone my drafts any further, but for the sake of information, here they are:

     swooping low
     a pawlonia leaf
     or a drone?

     seeds of grasses
     swirl in the sky
     behind the drone

     Spy drones have been seen (and heard) at least in the more Southern regions of the USA, more and more over the past year, or so I have heard. One more indication that we are definitely in the age of Big Brother.

     Alice’s verse links to the previous by an image of something hovering, but there’s a big difference between a dragonfly and a spy drone. The shift is from something natural to something man made, contemporary and with an ominous or secret purpose. One might enjoy the serenity of watching a dragonfly hovering (as they do, as they’ve always done, from time immemorial) over reeds, but a drone, whether seen or heard, is unsettling at least and implies a whole different experience than the tranquil, timeless river scene does.

     The two scenarios are linked, as they should be, but how can they be considered too close? Just by placing a drone in a ‘tranquil rural scene’ that scene is changed utterly. Consider Wallace Steven’s jar (a man-made artifact) placed in Tennessee:
     http://writing.upenn.edu/~afilreis/88/stevens-ancedote.html

     How much more than that does everything shift if we place a railroad there? An iPhone? How much more if we place a military drone?
     – Lorin

112. Oh, go on then, I’ll ask a question too … be it ever so humbly of the sabaki.

     We have “sonata” on a “piano” being “played” and then, in the leap-over verse, we have “hum” … is there enough shift??? This is such a nuanced thing that I’m always happy to learn more.

113. the distance between us
     a breath away

114. It seems so close to the previous verse. It is also confusing for me despite the explanations.

115. Oh, okay.

116. “The ONLY thing that gave me some second thoughts about it was its brevity.” Emphasis added.

117. No, I’m sorry you thought that I would want do it “exactly right” (that would be silly), so I must not have framed my comments well. What I had in mind was the fact that you had a number of “second thoughts” for this verse, but chose it anyway. For example, the repetition, which you explained could not really be avoided, though to my mind, dragon fly, drone, hovering, and hum are simply not repetitive, they are interchangeable — probably good as a simile or metaphor in another context — plus the “brevity” and the “two lines into three unnatural lines” thingies. In short, there were just too many exceptions you gave this offer, which makes your “practice makes progress” something of a stab in the dark.

118. Hi again, Ruth,

     When confronted with confusion, I tend to share it. I’m not sure that I am taking in exactly what you are asking here. I’ll focus on the question marks, to begin with.

     “[H]ow does one know what is “now” permissible?”

     This was asked in regard to the change in tone. I have covered this to some degree in earlier posts but let me review for those who may just be joining us. The renku has an aesthetic structure that consists of three movements. In Romanized Japanese they are referred to as jo-ha-kyu. An English equivalent would be something like prologue–development–fast finish. The jo or prologue of a thirty-six verse Kasen renku consists of the first six verses. During these verses, we write in a sedate, polite, and mildly formal way. Professor Fukuda said that we write as if “in a suit and tie.”

     The ha or development begins with verse seven and continues through verse thirty. This part of the renku is no longer constrained by a need to maintain the tone required in the prologue. It can and should contain material that covers a wider range of thought, emotion, and subject matter. In this particular instance, I am pointing out that a verse that introduces the ideas of warfare, modern technology, current events, and an emotional tone of menace or apprehension would not have been appropriate in the prologue. But, now that we are in a new section of the renku (verses seven through thirty), it is possible to employ these elements and, in fact, their appearance here is a good marker that we are in the ha or development portion of the renku and no longer in the prologue.

     “Weren’t we to have a new image/subject?”

     This is asked after a possible link to the previous verse is identified. Since each verse is supposed to both link to and shift away from its predecessor, I’m not sure if I understand your question. While I can see the linkage you describe (as well as other potential linkages), I have just described important ways in which this verse seven shifts away from the prior verse. My list is hardly intended to be exhaustive in regard to ways in which verse seven represents a shift – just a few illustrations.

     Those were the two question marks. Here are some additional thoughts, which may be off topic but, I hope, worth sharing.

     The requirement that we not repeat things can make some renku writers edgy. And, unfortunately, this can become ever more intensely the case as we get further along and have more images and topics that have already been introduced into the mix. It seems important to maintain a relaxed grip on this concept of “new image/subject.” Since everything in existence is connected, whether closely or remotely, it can become possible to find ways of making it nearly impossible to “shift” into an area that hasn’t been explored earlier in our renku if we think too hard about it. So, you are encouraged to maintain a soft focus. If anyone needs to strain a little about this business of constant shifting, it is me.

     My sense (I may be wrong) is that you want to know EXACTLY HOW TO DO THIS RIGHT. If I thought there was a way of satisfying that desire . . . never mind. There isn’t. If, on the other hand, you can enjoy picking it up a little at a time–a piece here and another there–immense progress is possible. Practice makes progress.

119. With all due respect, John, I have found your choice of this verse very confusing. Thing is, if we are to be learning (as well as having fun), there are too many “second thoughts” – I would have even said perhaps “three or four thoughts.” With so many, it is a bit tricky to understand exactly what you want. Your thoughts included:

     1. brevity (not all renku practitioners agree on this point).
     2. two line verse into three unnatural lines.
     3. menace . . . based on current use of drones in warfare . . . such a tone has only now become permissible (though how does one know what is “now” permissible?).
     4. And my “thought” that a drone hovers too, which, to my mind, is just a repetition of the hovering dragonfly, w, and prompts me to ask: Weren’t we to have a new image/subject?

     Just don’t get this choice.
     Ruth

120. familiar footsteps
     on the platform

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