The Renku Sessions: Pilgrims' Stride 23
Welcome to The Renku Sessions. Renku is a participatory literary game, following a set of rules that are implemented by the leader of the session. If you would like to learn more about renku go here. And if you would like to see a sample of a complete renku go here.
I’m John Stevenson, and I will serve as your guide for this session, a thirty-six verse (kasen) renku. I have supplied the opening verse (hokku) and each week I will select an additional verse from among those submitted prior to the Tuesday deadline.
Eighteen poets offered a combined roster of forty-five verses this time. While I have selected a verse from a new contributor, as I have so far in every instance, it may soon become time to consider using verses from prior contributors if there is nothing suitable offered by others. Perhaps it would be useful at this point to specify some of the broader issues that are causing me to pass over certain verses. My concerns are technical in nature and in no way reflect upon the creativity of our participating poets, which is impressive.
One concern is the presentation of material that belongs in another place in the renku. When we are not working on a love verse, a blossom verse, or a moon verse anything containing or strongly alluding to these subjects will create a disqualification for the verse in question.
Very close or literal linking to the prior verse will create issues. The only really close linking in the renku should be between the first and second verses.
Failure to adhere to the guidelines listed as “the formal requirements” for the verse will create a disqualification. One of the formal requirements mentioned every time is that the verse should be written “without a cut.” Since these cutting mechanisms are a deeply engrained practice in English-language haiku, it may be that some contributing poets are unsure about what is meant by a “cut.” Here is an example of a verse without a cut:
the branches break
from the burden of ice
And here is the same verse, written with a cut:
from the burden of ice
the branches break
In general, presenting a qualifying clause before the image it modifies will create a “cut.”
Our twenty-third verse comes from Vasile Moldovan. This is a lovely and, at the same time, a homely image that delivers an appealing contrast to the “grudge” contained in its predecessor. And its humor in this context is most welcome. I have taken the liberty of deleting the initial article in order to avoid its repetition from the previous verse. “First snow” is designated as “mid-winter” on our season word list. Our next verse can, therefore, feature anything from the season word list except those things marked “early winter.”
A note to those who are experienced with renku writing: I am aware of the flaw in the selection of this verse, which can be viewed as relating to its leap-over verse (dirt / blackened pit). All other offers from new contributors also presented serious issues and I did not want to begin using material from prior contributors without providing some notice, as I have above. The flaw in my selection could be easily fixed with some rewriting. “Dirt” could be changed to something else – “debris,” “storage shed,” “tow truck” – but I will not be doing any significant rewriting and have chosen to accept the verse as offered with only the deletion of the article. The choice and, therefore, the flaw is my responsibility.
Here is the verse you must link to:
first snowfall
covering little by little
all the dirt–Vasile Moldovan
The next verse, the twenty-fourth, is the second of two consecutive winter verses. Here are the formal requirements for verse twenty-four:
- Winter seasonal image (should include a winter word or phrase from our season word list but not “early” winter [also not a blossom, love, or moon image])
- Written in two lines, without a cut
- Linking with the twenty-third verse, and only the twenty-third verse
- Shifting widely to a new topic and setting
Add your suggested two-line link below, in the Comments box. You have until midnight EST, Tuesday, August 12, 2014. You may submit as many verses as you like, but please use a new comment box for each one. I will announce my selection for the next link on Thursday, August 14 here on the blog, and provide information and instructions for submitting the next link.
What We’ll Be Looking For — Throughout the Session
There are many schematic outlines for a kasen renku. We will be using one set out by Professor Fukuda in his book Introduction to World-linking Renku. It will not be necessary for you to have a copy of this book since instructions will be offered before each verse is solicited.
It is a good idea for those participating in the composition of a renku to make use of the same list of season words. There are a number of these lists available and I intend no judgment of their relative value. For purposes of this session I am suggesting the use of The Five Hundred Essential Japanese Season Words.
Pilgrims’ Stride to Date
comparing maps
to the mountain pass–
pilgrims’ stride–John Stevenson
a sun-warmed stone bridge
over snowmelt–Billie Wilson
dampened soil
of seed trays
in the glasshouse–Margaret Beverland
grandmother’s silverware
polished every monday–Polona Oblak
a sonata
on the concert Steinway
played to the moon–Lorin Ford
dragonflies hover
by the swaying reeds–Karen Cesar
slight hum
of a drone
in fog–Alice Frampton
the atmosphere
thick with teenage pheromones–Norman Darlington
I stumble
trying to reply
“I plight thee my troth.”–Paul MacNeil
thinking of a red wig
during chemo–Asni Amin
the woodland
of silent stories
and shadow–Alan Summers
he makes a wish
to become real–Marion Clarke
each mirror reflects
only the cool moon
rising–kris moon
freshly-caught fish
sizzles in the pan–Aalix Roake
a wealthy prince
exiled in Nigeria
soliciting my help–Christopher Patchel
sugar plum fairy came
and hit the streets…–Jennifer Sutherland
a milky nimbus
at dusk
beneath the cherry tree–Scott Mason
pulling in spring clouds
with a telephoto lens–Dru Philippou
plain truth
of a skylark’s
song–Stella Pierides
our yoga instructor
tells us to breathe–Priscilla Van Valkenburgh
smoldering dung cakes
burning in the blackened pit
flavors the curry–Betty Shropshire
the family’s grudge
celebrates a century–batsword
first snowfall
covering little by little
all the dirt–Vasile Moldovan
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first snowfall
covering little by little
all the dirt
–Vasile Moldovan
mothballed coats emerge
from the back closet
Thank you, Ellen. I really hope I can minimize any tensions that people may feel in the process of learning renku. My understanding is that it was created in the first place as a way of releasing court poets from some of the tensions and demands of their profession. And my renku mentor, Shinku Fukuda, told me that, “First, it has to be fun.”
“My concerns are technical in nature and in no way reflect upon the creativity of our participating poets, which is impressive.”
John Stevenson
* * *
John, I’ve thought of this many times this week – thank you. Yesterday I spent time trying to learn about renku here. Some things you’ve said are making sense. I am slow in technical areas, with poetry. (Tend to get overwhelmed.) Today I thought that the rule about writing without a cut – from what I know so far – is like the blessings I’ve been writing in my gratitude journal after reading the book, one thousand gifts, by Ann Voskamp.
Learning: from the known to the unknown. Small steps, once in awhile a creative leap. But those times are the gifts.
Thanks for such careful and patient teaching. Ellen
Thanks again, everyone. I have some work to do! See you back here tomorrow.
first snowfall
covering little by little
all the dirt
–Vasile Moldovan
a Zen onion
still to be peeled
– Lorin Ford
a splatter of milk
lightens the porridge
she pours tea
into all the dolls’ china cups
pouring tea
into all the dolls’ teacups
scraping the ice rink
of blood, sweat and tears
an unexpected thaw
melts the ice rink
that niggling feeling
deep in the fishing hole
try try again
on the bunny slope
she checks her messages
on the ski lift
bandages from bright
quilt squares
sewing bright quilt
squares into bandages
first snowfall
covering little by little
all the dirt
–Vasile Moldovan
rattlers in the snake den
curled in for a long nap
first snowfall
covering little by little
all the dirt
–Vasile Moldovan
her mascara runs
while chopping onions
fog light persimmons
cover a tree
her frail hands knit
the moon over a new cardigan
a Janus frieze
frozen with hashtags
first snowfall
covering little by little
all the dirt
–Vasile Moldovan
a narcissus
for the bouncer’s boutonnière
– Lorin Ford
first snowfall
covering little by little
all the dirt
–Vasile Moldovan
the gossip wears
a narcissus boutonnière
– Lorin Ford
variation:
a narcissus
for the gossip’s boutonnière
– Lorin Ford
cold turkey addict fumbles
for just one more afterthought
cold turkey addict
fumbles for just one more
first snowfall
covering little by little
all the dirt
–Vasile Moldovan
Japanese radishes
point toward Parliament
– Lorin Ford
* Parliament or Washington
part of the ox’s jawbone
in my future
-Patrick Sweeney
quilts and stilts disguise
a poppet stooped cold and wise
quilts and stilts disguise
tiny poppets in stitches
fewer cold places
to hold the Games
where on earth
to hold the winter Games
(Hard to avoid naming the season in this case, but the first one does)
how to watch out
for falling ice
Or without using “ski” :
first snowfall
covering little by little
all the dirt
–Vasile Moldovan
a block of wax held against
the tip of a heated iron
first snowfall
covering little by little
all the dirt
–Vasile Moldovan
ski wax held against
the tip of a heated iron
affirmation hunting
eyes flit about
flitting eyes
hunting affirmation
caution signs
about falling ice
Watch Out
For Falling Ice
Or perhaps to avoid a cut:
hoof prints on the lawns
Christmas morning
Christmas morning
hoof prints on the lawns
deathly afraid
of city icicles
first snowfall
covering little by little
all the dirt
–Vasile Moldovan
an Amish quilt
wanton with color
Icicles growing
from eaves
slow north
winds converge
first snowfall
covering little by little
all the dirt
–Vasile Moldovan
a farmer points the radish
at Parliament
– Lorin Ford
OR
a farmer points the radish
at the Pentagon
– Lorin
first snowfall
covering little by little
all the dirt
–Vasile Moldovan
a cold radish points
at Parliament
– Lorin Ford (Where’s LeRoy Gorman when he’s needed? 😉 )
Or, a variation for those in the USA & others who don’t have Parliament:
first snowfall
covering little by little
all the dirt
–Vasile Moldovan
a cold radish points
at Washington
– Lorin Ford
first snowfall
covering little by little
all the dirt
–Vasile Moldovan
praise the Lord
for the electric futon
– Lorin Ford
beating the death dirge
too soon too soon
-Patrick Sweeney
avalanches moving
faster than sound
white on white bring
on snow blindness
hiding all the flora except
for camellias
anything goes
in our hockey game
a blow dryer
on frozen pipes
our seaside water supply
frozen in the rain barrel
our seaside water supply
frozen deep underground
Hi Christopher,
We are using Five Hundred Essential Japanese Season Words.
I am also more familiar with, and generally use, Higginson but we are not using his listings this time.
John
should the rugby team
go coed?
(Higginson lists rugby as a winter sport. But it may be too close to ‘grudge’)
first snowfall
covering little by little
all the dirt
–Vasile Moldovan
ravens circle
overhead
Whoops, sorry. No streets.
up to our hubcaps
in the deepest pothole
an outdoor hockey rink
in the lowest pasture
Max
You misread my intent. My ‘ Happy Trails’ was given in the context of this renku: Pilgrims’ Stride…is this not a journey? I am an old and ornery Texan. I would hate to quash a voice as I know that silenced feeling all too well…but grammar and syntax…those rules stifle way too many. The Muse comes out swinging. I can diagram sentences in my sleep…blech! Rules of speech are fair game when it comes to picking apart poetry. It gets the dander up and I start drooling. Apologies for scaring you off…Pilgrim. (channeling my best John Wayne accent)
Betty
“Betty, you and Lorin took a modest discussion about what I believe are some grammatical errors (among other already mentioned flaws) in this haiku and turned it into an indictment.
Lorin, re (1): “It’s true that ‘little by little’ is an adjectival phrase” – no, an it’s adverb; re (2): “Covering, as you point out yourself, is the verb participle in this case” – no, a verbal that is used as an adjective; re (3): all your shifting examples do not change the original syntactical order, which to me, is still wrong.
I can’t do sincere critiques this way. I’m outta here.
MM”
Max, I apologise if what I’ve written seems like some sort of indictment. That was certainly not my intention.
You are right in that, through fuzzy-mndednes, I erroneously followed your original designation of ‘little by little ‘ as an adjective’ into using the term ‘adjectival phrase’, which of course is the wrong term.
“1): “It’s true that ‘little by little’ is an adjectival phrase” – no, an it’s adverb;” – Max
‘Little’ itself is an adverb, yes. Without being certain of the designated grammatical term for the phrase ‘little by little’ in this sentence and whatever the correct term for the phrase actually turns out to be, one thing is sure: ‘little by little’ modifies ‘(is ) covering)’. It tells us something about the manner in which the snowfall is covering the dirt. Therefore my best guess is that the term is ‘adverbial phrase’ or the like (and not my erroneous ‘adjectival phrase’ of my first post)
“(2): “Covering, as you point out yourself, is the verb participle in this case” – no, a verbal that is used as an adjective.”
If ‘covering’ is “a verbal that is used as an adjective” here, please show which noun is being qualified in Vasile’s verse. It can’t be ‘snowfall’, since we’d need to place it before the noun to have ‘covering’ perform as an adjective, eg
performing as adjective:
‘Roof tiles weren’t visible due to the covering snow.’
“I can’t do sincere critiques this way. I’m outta here.” . M
Well, it’s a shame that you’re so like sensitive about the terminology of grammar, Max. 😉 I have not doubted your sincerity. Why not stick around?
– Lorin
stilted neighs
reined in by the marm
Betty, you and Lorin took a modest discussion about what I believe are some grammatical errors (among other already mentioned flaws) in this haiku and turned it into an indictment.
Lorin, re (1): “It’s true that ‘little by little’ is an adjectival phrase” – no, an it’s adverb; re (2): “Covering, as you point out yourself, is the verb participle in this case” – no, a verbal that is used as an adjective; re (3): all your shifting examples do not change the original syntactical order, which to me, is still wrong.
I can’t do sincere critiques this way. I’m outta here.
MM
Does the use of “soil” in the daisan present a problem with use of “dirt” in the maeku?
dampened soil
of seed trays
in the glasshouse
–Margaret Beverland
first snowfall
covering little by little
all the dirt
–Vasile Moldovan
An interesting one, Karen. I’d say that it might, depending on whether or not the reader equated ‘soil and ‘dirt’… regarded then as synonyms.
A laundry worker probably would consider them synonyms. A professional gardener probably wouldn’t. Personally, I distinguish good, rich soil from dirt. Over time, by adding compost, one can make a patch of unproductive dirt into nutrient -rich soil. Virgin soil (is there any left in the world?) is thought of as different to dirt anyway, as farmers in the USA found out in the ’30s
But soil/dirt might count as ‘distant reincarnation’ ( I think the Japanese is something like ‘rinne’, but I forget) Since this is side 3 and there are quite a number of verses between the occurrences ‘soil/dirt’, it wouldn’t bother me too much… it’d probably depend on opinion, each individual sabaki’s notion of what’s permissible or ideal.
…soil, dirt, sand, gravel, rock, mud, clay, silt, the ground … all earth
– Lorin
ahem … amendment:
“Your parsing of the sentence is wrong, Max. It’s true that ‘little by little’ is an adjectival phrase (from memory …I don’t have a grammar book open beside me)” – L
More likely, since it’s modifying a verb, to be an adverbial phrase.
Which doesn’t alter my point.
– Lorin
It’s not an adjective per se (the only adjective in this sentence is ‘first’ and it qualifies ‘snow’) nor is ‘little by little’ modifying an adjective. ‘Covering’, as you point out yourself, is the verb participle in this case . The adjectival phrase that modifies the verb (‘is covering’= verb plus participle) here is ‘little by little’.
“No tweaking (implied/understood words and creative punctuation) can make L2 of the original verse grammatically correct. Except in very rare cases, and this is not one of them, the adjective (“little”) cannot modify another adjective (“covering” – present participle).” Max
It’s true that I had commas all over the shop. Could be a touch of dementia induced by anaesthesia? Or it could be just plain sloppiness. 😉
But don’t confuse my attempt at explanation & demonstration with ‘tweaking’.
Your parsing of the sentence is wrong, Max. It’s true that ‘little by little’ is an adjectival phrase (from memory …I don’t have a grammar book open beside me) It’s not an adjective per se (the only adjective in this sentence is ‘first’ and it qualifies ‘snow’) nor is ‘little by little’ modifying an adjective. ‘Covering’, as you point out yourself, is the verb participle in this case . The adjectival phrase that modifies the verb (‘is covering’= verb plus participle) here is ‘little by little’.
(The) first snowfall (is) covering all (of)the dirt.
Variations with modifying phrase:
a. (The) first snowfall (is) covering, little by little, all (of) the dirt.
b. Little by little, (the) first snowfall is covering all (of) the dirt,
c. (The) first snowfall (is) covering all (of) the dirt, little by little.
You can place a modifying phrase just about anywhere in a sentence as long as it remains clear which verb in a sentence it’s modifying. In poetry, you can go further than that for effect (poetic licence!) Someone like E.E. Cummings might have written (on a bad day)
the first
little
by
little
snow
fall
is
covering the dirt
all !
😉 but there is no such transgression of English grammar happening in Vasile’s verse. In fact, to my ear his placement of the adjectival phrase ‘little by little’ is more normative as well as more effective than is your placing of it at the end, where it can seem to be an afterthought.
– Lorin
first snowfall
covering little by little
all the dirt
–Vasile Moldovan
our angel imprints
undisturbed at dawn
Does the use of “soil” in the daisan present a problem with use of “dirt” in the maeku?
dampened soil
of seed trays
in the glasshouse
–Margaret Beverland
first snowfall
covering little by little
all the dirt
–Vasile Moldovan
first snowfall
covering little by little
all the dirt
–Vasile Moldovan
a circle stomped out
to play fox and geese
Well, Max
I personally enjoy being off balanced by unexpected usage…especially the subversive kind. And more often than not, when it comes to bandying about rules, I’d rather shoot myself in the foot than to follow them.
Happy trails!
Betty
Hey, Betty,
Yes, “little by little” is an adverb, but it should be modifying **how** the dirt is covered, not the **act** of covering it. That’s why my suggestion seemed about right.
Put another way, for a three-line haiku, the order of the words (syntax) is wrong, which affects not only the grammar, but interrupts the rhythm of the verse so that I kept stumbling over it no matter how many times I read it.
–MM
Hi MM
Um, ain’t ‘little by little’ an adverb? You left out a little.
Respectfully inquiring from the sidelines…
Yours truly
BS
LF –
Yes, “covering” (in my version) works; the rest, gobbly gook,* but what’s one more flaw in this verse? There are three so far: John’s acceptance of “dirt,” mine (bad grammar), and your good catch of another “snow.”
– MM
*No tweaking (implied/understood words and creative punctuation) can make L2 of the original verse grammatically correct. Except in very rare cases, and this is not one of them, the adjective (“little”) cannot modify another adjective (“covering” – present participle).
spot on spot on
my rickety stilts
first snowfall
covering little by little
all the dirt
– Vasile Moldovan
a family of icicles
measuring their lives in tears
– David J Kelly
spot on
my rickety stilts
my pocket pint of brandy
just to prevent frostbite
first snowfall
covering little by little
all the dirt
–Vasile Moldovan
hounds sniff at fox spoor
in the withered field
– Lorin Ford
first snowfall
covering little by little
all the dirt
–Vasile Moldovan
withered chrysanthemums
continue to wither
– Lorin Ford
* I use the full term chrysanthemums assuming that the initially startling ‘withered mums’ in the ‘Five Hundred Essential Japanese Season Words’ list we’re using does actually refer to chrysanthemums rather to mothers (‘mums’ in English, ‘moms’ in US English) in older years.
first snowfall
covering little by little
all the dirt
–Vasile Moldovan
this short day
full of gumboot tracks
– Lorin
through the short day
first snowfall
covering little by little
all the dirt
oh, to be that winter fly
on the wall!
first snowfall
covering little by little
all the dirt
only flaked onions
left on the top shelf
first snowfall
covering little by little
all the dirt
an array of electronic toys
delights the shoppers
first snowfall
covering little by little
all the dirt
important clues found
in the winter grove
Regarding ‘return’, ‘ukikoshi’, ‘distant reincarnation’ & the like in relation to Vasile’s verse, I’d be more concerned about the return of ‘snow’, as it recalls the wakiku (2nd verse, side one)
a sun-warmed stone bridge
over snowmelt
–Billie Wilson
. . .
first snowfall
covering little by little
all the dirt
–Vasile Moldovan
– Lorin
ahem …correcting a couple of my oversights or omissions:
All you need to do to test for grammatical correctness in haiku or renku verse is to put it in sentence form, including ‘understood’ words (words that would be there in a formal EL sentence but are often omitted in haiku & renku) and also including standard punctuation:
and
‘ Little by little, ‘(the) first snowfall (is) covering all the dirt. ‘ – also correct
no comma after ‘covering’. (I was copying & pasting..forgot to delete it 😉
– Lorin
“The choice and, therefore, the flaw is my responsibility,” including the fact that it is like so grammatically incorrect?
Incorrect:
first snowfall
covering little by little
all the dirt
Correct:
first snowfall
covers all the dirt
little by little
– Max Mayberry
Ah, Max. Your idea that Vasile’s verse is grammatically incorrect and your version is grammatically correct is, like (shall we say?) so uninformed? 😉
I’m recovering from surgery on my feet so I’ve got nothing better to do. 😉
There are conventions regarding grammar in EL haiku that aren’t always immediately apparent to beginners. All you need to do to test for grammatical correctness in haiku or renku verse is to put it in sentence form, including ‘understood’ words (words that would be there in a formal EL sentence but are often omitted in haiku & renku) and standard punctuation:
‘(The) first snowfall (is) covering, little by little, all the dirt. ‘ – correct
”(The) first snowfall, little by little, (is) covering, all the dirt. ‘ – also correct
‘ Little by little, ‘(the) first snowfall (is) covering, all the dirt. ‘ – also correct
Your version:
‘ (The) first snowfall covers all the dirt, little by little’
– is grammatically correct, too, but I think that the continuous form of the verb works better in context, here. For one thing, the continuous verb makes the verse’s statement distinguishable from a universal statement, ie ‘ (The) first snowfall (always) covers all the dirt, little by little’
yours truly,
Ye Olde Schoolmistress,
Lorin
overstocked stilts
at a fraction of the cost
“The choice and, therefore, the flaw is my responsibility,” including the fact that it is like so grammatically incorrect?
Incorrect:
first snowfall
covering little by little
all the dirt
Correct:
first snowfall
covers all the dirt
little by little
Max Mayberry
laughing deaf children
entertained by wild ducks
wild ducks entertain
laughing deaf children
wild ducks waddle
over thin ice
who’s that man
feeding waterfowl?
Pollyanna
on stilts
first snowfall
covering little by little
all the dirt
–Vasile Moldovan
twenty seven fabric squares
for a patchwork quilt
first snowfall
covering little by little
all the dirt
–Vasile Moldovan
hiding my tears
by chopping onions
first snowfall
covering little by little
all the dirt
–Vasile Moldovan
the stare of a cold crow
early in the morning
adding more blankets
to the dog’s bed
first snowfall
covering little by little
all the dirt
–Vasile Moldova
three pairs of boots
lined up by size
first snowfall
covering little by little
all the dirt
–Vasile Moldova
bubbling white radishes
in the country stew
Hi John (et al),
My 2 cents worth re yr comment, John:
“A note to those who are experienced with renku writing: I am aware of the flaw in the selection of this verse, which can be viewed as relating to its leap-over verse (dirt / blackened pit)”
smoldering dung cakes
burning in the blackened pit
flavors the curry
–Betty Shropshire
the family’s grudge
celebrates a century
–batsword
first snowfall
covering little by little
all the dirt
–Vasile Moldovan
I don’t see this ‘flaw’. Sure, I can see that snow is white and we have ‘blackened’ in the ‘leap-over verse’, and some might say that mirroring returns attention to the last -but-one, but
1. charred fuel or the coating caused by the smoke from it (in this case, from smouldering ‘dung cakes’) is not dirt in the literal sense & it’s only according to opinion that it might even be described as ‘dirty’ (which is different again)
2. Vasile’s use of ‘dirt’ is literal/ realistic … dirt/ uncultivated,bare ground/earth/soil … as well as being so fittingly and humorously metaphorical.
I see no flaw whatsoever in this choice. , no connection between dirt and blackened. 🙂
…and thanks for spelling out your understanding of what constitutes a ‘cut’ in haiku. I’d guessed this was your position some time earlier in the course of the renku.
I don’t agree that variations in syntax … the inversion of normative syntax alone (a modifying or qualifying phrase preceding the simple, active sentence/statement as in your example) can create a cut. To my understanding, both
the branches break
from the burden of ice
and
from the burden of ice
the branches break
… are uncut, but that’s a discussion for another time & place. 😉
I think it’ll be clear to everyone now that at least for the purposes of this renku such inversions of the more normative form in spoken English will count as a cut.
– Lorin
more mice than men
at the winter hermitage
wild duck stuffed
and on display
first snowfall
covering little by little
all the dirt
is that a pearl
inside the oyster shell?
first snowfall
covering little by little
all the dirt
–Vasile Moldova
chubby fingers gingerly
poke the holly sprigged paper