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The Renku Sessions: Jûnicho – Week 6

renkuchainWelcome to The Haiku Foundation’s Seventh Renku Session.

I’m Lorin Ford. I’m your sabaki for this Jûnicho renku.

“The word sabaki means handler or guide. . . . It is pure chance that the German word Führer also translates as guide.” (John Carley, Renku Reckoner)

Please join me in the making of a Jûnicho and in making this collaborative poem an enjoyable experience for all involved.

Some Resources:

John Carley’s ‘Introduction to Renku’.

Renku Home.

THF renku archive here.

 

Love Verse #2, long

Thanks to all who participated, there was a welcome variety of approaches to our second love verse. One way or another, time was going to pass between two love verses in sequence. I think it’s important to note ‘time’ now because our next two verses, set in autumn, will also be sequential or at least not obviously out of sequence. (The wild blackberries ripen before the leaves turn colour and subsequently fall off the briars. The harvest festival occurs earlier than the deer hunt.)

This week, I couldn’t reduce my shortlist to ‘top 10’, so we have my ‘top 11’. Among these verses we have someone’s (a landlady’s? a nosy neighbour’s?) scandalized remark about overheard indications of sexual activity and someone else’s less judgemental anticipation of the results:

.

how shameless/ the squeak of/ old bed springs                                 – Carol Jones

.

tomorrow/ there will be chafing/ and a huge grin                             – Pauline O’Carolan

.

We have marriages and honeymoons:

.

arrangements made/ for a wedding/ at the old age home            – Polona Oblak

.

the marriage celebrant/ apologizes for not/ arriving on time       – Barbara A. Taylor

.

after the porter/ delivers their luggage/ champagne pops            – Paul Macneil

.

the mirror/reflects the smiles/of shyness                                              – Pravat Kumar Padhy

.

We have both short and longer term relationships. Whichever, change inevitably happens:

.

the note ends/ with Cupid arrows/ piercing “always”                      – Jackie Maugh Robinson

.

vibrant still/ the honeymoon/ conch shell                                             – Phil Allen

.

sleeping alone / for the first time/ in forty odd years                       – Karen Cesar

.

We have the opposites of loving touch and physical abuse in relationships:

.

the first drops/ of warmed oil/ on her shoulders                                – Carmen Sterba

.

concealer/ hiding imperfections/ and a fresh bruise                         – Karen Cesar

.

All of these approaches to follow our first stage of ‘love’ in our maeku are good. How to choose just one? Not easy! So we now look at expression. Something that sticks out for me is that we have a possessive pronoun in our uchikoshi  (“my”) as well as in our maeku (“his”) so I feel it’s better if there’s not a third recurrence in our tsukeku . For me, three verses in a row containing possessive pronouns would begin to look like a list. Perhaps, at this stage, any further pronoun at all (also implied pronoun/ implied subject) might seem an overdose. That’s not even taking into account the issue of ‘return to uchikoshi ‘(or kannonbiraki , as the ‘offence’ is properly called) which is “one of the three basic principles which counteract repetition” in renku. (See Introduction to Renku link, above). Do we interpret kannonbiraki to be anything whatsoever that returns to the uchikoshi? I give up on that question. But this is a poem, and if it was my own ‘long poem’ draft (yes, I used to write them) I’d be revising to edit out excess pronouns or implied subjects at this stage. So now I focus on the selected verses without pronouns/implied subjects. The choice isn’t much easier: I find myself juggling different values. Some of these verses deploy variation of syntax at the beginning of the verse very well. Others begin with the subject, as do our maeku and uchikoshi (‘my life story’, ‘his breath’) yet link well and bring something new. One of these stands out as bringing both a brilliant change of focus and a new topic category. At this stage I recall John Carley’s encouragement on the subject of verse selection: “If it feels right, it is right.” Whew! This is the one.

Love verse #2, long: Someone has to do the job

my life story
between mouthfuls
of chili con carne

– Lee Nash

 

his breath as he whispers
“Señora . . .”

– Liz Ann

 

the marriage celebrant
apologizes for not
arriving on time

– Barbara A. Taylor

 

What a brilliant link and switch! While keeping the couple of our maeku present and providing the imminent consummation of marriage, we have society in general represented in the form of a person licensed to perform the ceremony: a marriage celebrant who’s running late. It may even be the celebrant, perhaps a little out of breath, who now offers an apology beginning with “Señora”. This possible recontextualization of the previous verse allows for a fruitful sort of ambiguity. It’s a different way of linking than those we’ve had so far in this renku (in any of the other contenders for this verse spot, too) and it can change how we read our maeku. Or not, as the reader chooses. Either way, there is a subtle but playful connection between “his breath” in our maeku and the late, apologetic celebrant, who takes the stage and becomes the immediate focus of this verse. This is the first person in our renku identified as having a job, a defined role in society. We now have the topic ‘Occupation’ (trade, profession, status title etc.) included in our short renku. ‘Place’ is nicely open, as the marriage ceremony can happen indoors or outdoors. ‘Religion’, as a possible future topic is not encroached upon as ‘marriage celebrant’ is a civil office. Done with admirable finesse, Barbara.

(*I made a minor change to the line2 break, to enhance the sense of an implied ‘short of breath’.)

 

Schema

For our Jûnicho , we’ll be following this schema from John Carley’s Renku Reckoner: http://www.darlingtonrichards.com/index.php/updates/renku-reckoner-by-john-carley/

hokku      —    winter moon          (long)

wakiku    —    winter                      (short)

daisan     —    no season                (long)

verse  4   —    no season love       (short)

verse 5   —    no season love       (long)

  • verse 6 —    autumn                    (short)

verse 7   —    autumn                     (long)

verse 8    —    no season                 (short)

verse 9   —    summer flower      (long)

verse 10  —    no season                 (short)

verse 11  —    spring                        (long)

ageku      —    spring                         (short)

 

Verse #6: autumn

  • is a two-line verse without a cut or turn
  • is our first autumn verse, to be followed by a second
  • links to the previous verse (the maeku) and shifts completely away from the last-but-one, the uchikoshi
  • is a ‘nature’ verse. Please avoid overt human presence in this verse

We’re up to our first autumn verse, a short (two-line) verse. Because we’ve had overt human presence in the last three verses (first person, third person and the marriage celebrant) it’s time we switched to verses that are ‘nature-dominant’ and preferably in an outdoor setting. If we’re following the river in ’The African Queen’, hippopotami might be seen swimming, but we don’t have Humphrey Bogart mimicking their bellows. No overt human presence, please. That doesn’t mean that human-made artifacts, tools, structures, traces etc. are necessarily to be excluded. A bench, a bridge, a fence, ruins etc. are all part of the landscape. The ABC for this verse: (A) Please use an early autumn or ‘all autumn’ seasonal reference. (B) Link to our long love verse (our maeku). (C)Shift from the last-but-one (our uchikoshi). Enjoy the challenge of moving our renku forward into the wide world of other-than-human nature.

Submissions:

  • Please use the ‘‘Leave a reply’ box down at the bottom of the thread to submit up to 3 of your short ‘autumn’ verses. (Since the Jûnicho has 12 verses only and we have many participants, a verse by a different person will be selected each time. I hope those with a verse selected will continue to follow our renku as it unfolds. )
  • Please, if you wish to post a revision of any verse you’ve posted previously , use the ‘reply’ function at the bottom of your original post, NOT the submissions box at the bottom of the thread that reads ‘Leave a reply’.

Please post your submissions before midnight Monday 19th February, Eastern USA time. (New York time)That’s the deadline. I find the World Clock handy.

Happy writing! I look forward to reading everyone’s submissions. The selected short autumn verse and instructions for verse 7 will be posted next Thursday morning: February 22nd New York time.

– Lorin

 

Our Jûnicho to date

sleigh ride
the road ahead shimmers
in moonlight

  • – Marta Chocilowska

softly, how softly
snowflakes fall

  • – Kala Ramesh

my life story
between mouthfuls
of chili con carne

  • – Lee Nash

his breath as he whispers
“Señora . . .”

  • – Liz Ann

the marriage celebrant
apologizes for not
arriving on time

  • – Barbara A. Taylor

 

This Post Has 94 Comments

  1. Apropos of nothing , since no-one has used Basho’s ‘banana tree’ , which was a plantain (not the North American grass or weed) a tree related to the banana tree. But checking through the ‘500 Essential Season Words’ I came across another thing (besides ‘pony’ as a spring kigo…which is clearly a bad translation of what was meant to be ‘young horses’, ie foals, horses under one year of age.) The message is, although Japanese kigo are a good general guide, take all the authorities’ statements with a grain of salt.” I find this:
    .
    “banana plant (bashoo, all autumn). From which the poet Bashô took his name. Also called a plantain (unrelated to the plantains of N. America), produces inedible fruit. A poetical subject because of the sound of its broad, fragile leaves in the autumn wind and rain. ”
    .
    Fair enough, the rest, but any Pacific Islander or Australian indigenous person will tell you that the fruit is edible…it just needs to be cooked, as potatoes do. It can also, when dried, be made into a sort of flour. This website is correct:
    http://www.differencebetween.info/difference-between-plantain-and-banana
    .
    – Lorin

  2. ________________________

    as the fog rises
    the leaves color wind
    ________________________

    the smell of humus
    walking over layers of leaves
    ________________________
     
    in the square on the sea
    scent of roasted chestnuts
    __________________________

  3. A hummingbird flits
    blossom to blossom
    .
    over the horizon
    sun sinks into the pacific
    .
    A blue jay plays
    hide and seek

      1. Yes, Betty, better without the ‘ing’ but not verboten. However, I wonder how many of our company would share your knowledge of what a “Chilkat molecule” is? Or even be able to find out? I’m stumped! Google gives me boots for ‘Chilkat molecule’ even when I use ‘Chilkat + molecule + science’. . . nothing more. When I use only ‘Chilkat’, I get:
        .
        ” 1.
        a member of an Indian people of the Pacific coastal area of southeastern Alaska belonging to the Tlingit group of Indians.”
        .
        Scary predator fish which home in on a particular group of people as prey? This seems far-fetched, so I keep googling.
        .
        Then I find “Chilkat Peninsula, Alaska”. So the only reading I can come up with after what I think is more than a reasonable amount of research is that the salmon ‘home’ to each molecule of a particular place: the Chilcat Peninsula. (This seems more reasonable than salmon ‘homing’ on a brand of boots or a particular group of indigenous people.)
        .
        From there, I can get the general picture. Salmon born in the wild return to where they came from in autumn, as we know. A short article from ‘Scientific American’ confirms my guess:
        https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-do-spawning-fish-navigate-back/
        .
        Amazing facts! But each molecule of a whole peninsular seems not only exaggerated, but misleading, unless there is only one stream on that peninsula and it’s called “the Chilkat stream. river or the like”. I might be wrong, but I’d need more precise information than this short article gives to know.
        .
        One way or another, what sticks out as far as renku goes is that we have a courteous name of address in a ‘foreign’ language, “Senora”, in our uchikoshi then a place name in your verse, also in a ‘foreign’ language, “Chilkat”. Yes, it’s from an indigenous language, but still, a language other than English.
        .
        Even a place name more accessible to our company in this renku, such as ‘Paris’, perhaps, or a bit less internationally accessible, ‘Shropshire’ (about 3 hours from London, UK ) would divert readers back to the uchikoshi.
        .
        That’s what’s verboten.
        .
        – Lorin

        1. I get that Señora is foreign for non-Spanishspeaking folks but a place name such as Chilkat (a river famous for being the destination for one of the notable salmon runs and has its name origin from the Russian for an indigenous group in Alaska)and is still given as such in any language whereas an English-speaking person would say, Missus or Mrs. not Señora, to a married woman. To me, that’s what makes the difference for a word coming across as foreign but of course, I bow to your final analysis. BTW, we have a Paris, Texas, too. 😁 And, I just thought Chilkat sounded ever so jazzy cool compared to that stuffy ole marriage celebrant. 😉 Oh, well…

          1. Ah, Betty, I have it now. I didn’t get as far as the river in my googling, but now I have.
            https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chilkat_River
            .
            ” I just thought Chilkat sounded ever so jazzy cool compared to that stuffy ole marriage celebrant. 😉” – Betty
            .
            Now that you say it, I get the reference you have in mind… the image comes from way back! Watching ‘Dobie Gillis’ on tv in the early 60s at my mother’s place. So I suppose something like “Chill, Cat! ” was ‘beat era’ jargon in the USA. 🙂 And your take on the name ‘Chilkat’ is a clever pun which would be understood regionally, but might be a tad obscure to others. ( Like me!) But how could anyone know whether the marriage celebrant was stuffy or old? We can’t even know whether that person is a woman or a man. Yet, it’s possible that, when we have our tsukeku in place, something more could be revealed about the marriage celebrant. Or about those about to be married. Or about guests who’re present, or . . . many other things, all depending on the link.
            .
            I have heard of Paris, Texas. 🙂 It’s not the first Paris that would spring to mind to participants in an international renku, though, is it?
            .
            ‘Senora’ (or ‘Signora’, Italian) btw, is used for any woman of a certain age (past the filly stage) when her marital status is unknown, not just for a married woman. (If someone addressed me as ‘Signorina’ . . . and it did happen, in my late 50s . . . I’d be suspicious that the bloke (no woman would do that) was being either absurdly flattering or sarcastic.
            .
            Of course the name of a river and the name by which a mature woman is addressed in Spanish are different, but they are still names which take a capital letter in English and one of them occurs in our uchikoshi. They’re “kind of the same” (quoting ‘Sesame Street’) I once used an identification number for a locomotive in a verse offer, in all innocence, here on THF, where the uchikoshi contained the name of a group of American Indians. Linda P. pointed out to me that this number was “kind of the same” as a name.
            .
            the steam locomotive
            C5631
            on show at the shrine

            Lorin
            .
            “This is a good verse, Lorin. That third line kind of like a proper noun, though? It does refer to that specific locomotive.” – Linda (She obviously meant the 2nd line – L)
            https://www.thehaikufoundation.org/2015/08/13/renku-sessions-triparshva-call-verse-9/
            .
            I did get her point and understood. Not being able to read or speak Japanese, though, I have no idea whether or not “Fujiyama” in the uchikoshi would rule out “seven/7 samurai” in the tsukeku, though I imagine the film title, ‘Seven Samurai’, would be ruled out. But I don’t know.
            .
            What I did see, but Linda didn’t, was on a simpler and to me, more obvious level: the uchikoshi had Puyallup natives looking down, the maeku (a great verse!) had Valhalla, which is up in the heavens somewhere (so we “look up”) and the subsequently chosen tsukeku had “roofing iron repurposed as a letter box”. So we look down, then look up and then, in the tsukeku, we look up and down. This did/ does take me back to the uchikoshi.
            .
            I’m winging it, Betty. From what I’ve seen, different people taking on the role of sabaki will interpret all sorts of things differently. Of course the Japanese have it easier since they have a shared culture and shared sense of place A group comprised of North Americans only would have it easier, too, as would any regional group. All we have in common in this renku is the English language. So how can we make this renku relevant to and readable by an international group (which we are) without flag-waving but also without any dumbing down? So far, so good, I think. But this link, switching as it does from a sequence of ‘people’ verses to seasonal ‘nature’ verses, is perhaps our most difficult so far.
            .
            – Lorin

  4. Congratulations Barbara !!

    *
    shedding the makeup
    maple and I

    *

    greeted by a squirming leaf
    on the window

    *

    orchestra of new shoes
    with old leaves

  5. a scent of porcini mushrooms
    spreads from the shop opposite

    ——————————————–
    the sign pants waving
    with every puff of wind

    ——————————————–
    a scent of must rises
    from the basement window

  6. Just for interest’s sake, a couple of two-liners from Bob Dylan (who, as far as I know, never wrote haiku or renku verses). Following the right maeku, these two ‘verses’ would be good ‘short’ renku verses in which the subject doesn’t come first:
    .
    All along the watchtower
    Princes kept the view
    (no season)
    .
    Outside in the cold distance
    A wildcat did growl
    (winter)
    .
    Just to show that there’s nothing particularly Japanese or ‘foreign’ or even exclusively pertaining to renku about this sort of thing. These ‘verses’ , translated well, would fit into even a classical Japanese renku.
    .
    Cultures overlap quite as much as they seem different and strange. How else could Akira Kurasawa Shakespeare’s ‘Macbeth’ and ‘King Lear’ into films with Japanese settings, keeping the heart and mood so true to the originals ? And what is the American Western, ‘The Magnificent Seven’, based on? Yep, Kurasawa’s ‘Seven Samurai’.
    .
    – Lorin

  7. in between oak boughs
    an abandoned nest

    ***

    over parked cars
    more oak leaves

    ***
    dawn breaks through
    in deepening silence

    ***

  8. Good choice, Barbara!
    .
    the marriage celebrant
    apologizes for not
    arriving on time
    .
    Barbara A. Taylor
    .
    maple leaves turn
    quicker this year
    .
    the last persimmon
    swashed on the path
    .
    constant noise
    of cicadas dwindle

  9. Barbara, yours is a wonderful and skillful verse. Congratulations! Lorin, your explanations on how you select a verse grows more and more interesting by the week. I think so many of us are learning so much about the unique rules and patterns of renku as we participate in this lovely Junicho.
    .
    .
    the marriage celebrant
    apologizes for not
    arriving on time
    .
    – Barbara A. Taylor
    .

    dancing on rooftops
    acorns large and small
    .
    after the last hay is cut
    blackbirds come to glean
    .
    from somewhere out there
    the scent of roasted chestnuts

  10. mellow fruitfulness
    over the flowers of grass

    *****

    wishing the newlyweds
    an harmonious life of meandering sweetfish

    *****

    heavenly trinity from the church bell
    over chrysanthemums covered river bank

    *****

    1. Hi PK,
      You might want to edit your verses 2 & 3 down to a ‘short’ length. They’re longer than our maeku! 🙂 (We approximate the Japanese 5-7-5 // 7-7 morae for long & short verses, which are all written as one line, to ‘long’ 3-line// short 2-line)
      .
      – Lorin

    2. Thank you, Lorin. I submit the following revised versions.

      mellow fruitfulness
      over the flowers of grass

      *****
      unfolding the first coloured leaves
      with burst of smiles

      *****
      holding a gift ‘To Autumn’
      of John Keats’ poem

      *****

    3. Thank, you Lorin for your advice. I resubmit the revised verses for your reading pleasure.

      mellow fruitfulness
      over the flowers of grass

      *****
      prayer flags
      with first coloured leaves

      *****
      holding a gift ‘To Autumn’
      of John Keats’ poem

      *****

  11. Hi Lorin

    With the mention of ‘snowflakes fall’ in the waikiku, is it ok for the ‘fall’ of anything else in this part of the session?

    1. 🙂 Smell, probably. In my yard, it’s the blackbird that tends the grapevine, picking grape by grape, beak stretched more open than I thought possible.
      .
      – Lorin

      1. 🙂
        i saw a blackbird (Turdus merula – same species as yours?) swallow a whole cherry (amazing how wide their beaks can open) but it’s the starlings that cause real damage in the vineyards. in some slovenian wine growing regions they devised a wind-propelled rattle called klopotec (or, germanized, klopotetz) to scare them off. can’t say just how efficient this method is but it seems to work to some extent as it is still largely used

        1. Yes, Polona… the same species. 🙂 They were imported here from the UK by the early settlers (along with scotch thistles, ‘Paterson’s curse’ (Echium plantagineum), rabbits and blackberries. (The English couldn’t imagine how humungous blackeberry briars would grow here once they went wild. They tend to stay around city and suburban areas. I like them…even the one who considers himself to be owner and caretaker of my grape vine. 🙂 Starlings, yes, a damn nuisance, also imported. But there’s no bird that can do damage to crops and other things like a flock of cockatoos!
          .
          Lorin

  12. .
    the marriage celebrant
    apologizes for not
    arriving on time

    – Barbara A. Taylor
    (Well done Barbara)
    .
    .
    goldenrod fledge
    at the garden gate
    .
    .
    cool-season lawn
    grasses germinate
    .
    .

    Jan Benson
    USA

      1. Revision 3rd verse
        “Garden path”, would regress to “road ahead”.
        .
        .
        the herb garden
        overgrown with chickweed
        .
        .
        Jan Benson
        USA

        1. The business of writing a verse and not beginning with the subject… a real challenge for the haiku writer in me.
          .
          Revision: verse one…
          .
          .
          hiding the garden gate
          a weave of weeds
          .
          .
          Revision of Verse 2…
          .
          germinating the lawn
          in cool-season grass
          .
          .
          Jan Benson
          USA

          1. Jan, re “a challenge for the haiku writer in me”. When varying approaches to renku verses, one way is to think of the maeku, the gist of the maeku as you interpret it, as the first line of a typical haiku. For instance, this first line of a haiku by H. Gene Murtha:
            .
            steady drizzle
            .
            the following two lines of Gene’s haiku would make a suitable short renku verse without ‘subject first’:
            .
            steady drizzle
            ———————–
            strand by strand
            a robin’s nest
            .
            or take one of his one-liners:
            .
            just before the splash the osprey
            .
            It could also be written, in a renku, over two lines:
            .
            just before the splash
            the osprey
            .
            Though ‘subject first’ does seem to be the most usual way of writing Ls 2 & 3 in a haiku, it’s good, in haiku too, to vary the syntax. Especially when you want to put a collection of your haiku together. (You wouldn’t want two facing pages of your collection full of haiku that look like they’ve all come out of the same sausage factory!) You’ll find plenty of examples if you look. Here’s Ls 2 & 3 from one of mine:
            .
            all night this meandering
            toward the moon
            .
            Gene Murtha’s haiku sourced from his e-book, ‘Biding Time’:
            http://en.calameo.com/read/001095372e69cc4bf1152
            .
            – Lorin

          2. Lorin,
            Thanks for your direction.
            I’m also concerned that there will be a summer flower verse upcoming, and my references to grass seeds and weeds may interfere as a (plant) topic in this 1st autumn verse.
            .

            Rethinking…
            .
            .
            all day long
            pressing apples into cider
            .
            .
            sneaking out to carve
            initials in the live oak
            .
            .
            Jan

          3. Weeds and seeds and grains etc. aren’t counted as ‘flowers’. In the old Japanese ‘flower verse’ always meant ‘cherry blossom verse’, with ‘plum blossom’ (earlier) as a time-honoured Chinese substitute now & then. In the Junicho, a more modern form of renku, ‘flower verse’ means any flower or blossom that’s appropriate to the season the verse is set in (but not the flowers of grains or grasses, which are insignificant. )Basho, though used at least one wildflower in a ‘flower’ verse.
            .

            roadside rose of
            sharon devoured
            by my horse
            (Trans: David Landis Barnhill)
            .

            by the road
            a rose mallow … it has been
            eaten by my horse!

            (trans. Makoto Ueda)

            .

            As for the hibiscus
            on the roadside—
            my horse ate it.
            (trans. Robert Hass)
            .
            (I suspect it was more likely a mallow flower, rather than a hibiscus or ‘rose of sharon’. Horses aren’t stupid. Mallows, both the leaves and flowers, are edible for humans, too.)
            .

            But yes, it’s good to be wary about grass seeds and weeds so close to a flower verse, especially one that doesn’t have to be a blossom, so kudos, Jan, for that insight and forethought. 🙂
            .
            – Lorin

    1. Marina, I’m pretty sure you mean “rising from the vat. . . ” in 2. (It’s something that happens of itself, rather than ‘raising’ which is something that someone does, eg. ‘ (he is) raising the flag/ raising the taboo subject again’.
      .
      rising from the vat
      a smell of grapes
      .
      It’s a good early autumn reference.
      .
      Lorin

  13. Celebrating your love verse, Barbara!
    Thank you Lorin, I’m so pleased to be
    among your final selections.
    *
    *
    long abandoned nest
    falling from tired branches
    *
    where hide the acorns
    as waning days hurry by?
    *
    not quite ripened
    enough for cider

    1. Hi Lorin.
      .
      Trying for an autumn synonym, I realize I’ve repeated an earlier “fall”. Would “tired branches” serve as a metaphor for it? If so, this edit:
      *
      long abandoned nest
      slips from tired branches

      1. Not really, Jackie: ‘tired’ in relation to ‘branches’ is personification (or anthropomorphism) rather than metaphor.
        .

        – Lorin

        1. Jackie,
          Probably the most famous and lovely ‘autumn’ poem in the English language is Keats’ ‘To Autumn’, in which Autumn is personified throughout.
          https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/44484/to-autumn
          .
          Overt personification is something to be avoided in a renku verse and in haiku, though. The Japanese get around it by association and implication . There’s an example (from which renku, I forget) of one verse with mist around the bottom of a mountain, followed by a verse with a goddess with the hem of her kimono wet… from urinating! (The custom, back then, was for women to urinate standing.)
          .
          – Lorin

          1. Too often guilty as charged, Lorin. In so much of my poetry I tend to wish human attributes on everything from inanimate objects to flora and fauna. Probably out of admiration for their perfect union with nature. I’ve never heard that personification is not desirable in haiku.
            .
            Enough said.
            .
            Here is my substitute for the tired branches verse
            *
            *
            this still-warm morning
            grass ceases to grow

          2. “I’ve never heard that personification is not desirable in haiku.” – Jackie
            .
            It’s there, often enough, in haiku . . . just not overt. 🙂 The same with metaphor. Sometimes, regarding metaphor, you’ll see people saying “no metaphor in haiku”. That needs qualification, to “no overt metaphor”.
            .
            – Lorin

  14. Congratulations Barbara
    **********************

    one leaf becomes
    the first to go
    *************
    one leaf joins
    another in the pool
    *****************
    the oak leaves
    turn to go

    1. a rewrite on last offering/ thanks for your consideration
      ********************
      oak leaves blush as
      they turn to go

    1. Simon. . . but can you rewrite this in a way that doesn’t have subject (‘rainbow lorikeets’)coming first in the verse?

      (See my post below, beginning: “An observation and a preference for our first autumn verse: ”
      .
      I will be preferring the submissions that make a change from ‘subject first’ (as this is used in the last 3 verses). We need the change.
      .
      A side note: by coincidence, last week dental nurse & I were discussing ‘drunk parrots’ (king parrots, I think they were) to the enlightenment of out Greek dentist, who wondered how. 🙂 Well, from the first fallen cherry plums around Christmas onto any other fruit they can find that’s fermenting. . . as we know. It seems to be a thing the parrot family seeks out.
      .
      – Lorin

      1. lured by fermenting grapes
        a pair of wobbly parrots
        .
        or
        .
        lured by fermenting grapes
        drunken rainbow lorikeets
        .
        ,
        thanks Lorin
        That’s right, subject second in this verse. I take it that these versions here don’t incorporate breaks?
        yes, a number of Australian parrots seem inclined to alcoholic fruit and can end up the worse for wear, poor things

        1. Hi Simon

          I don’t know what part of the world you reside, but here in the UK, I find your verse
          very humorous 🙂

          1. Hi Carol
            Nice to make your acquaintance. At the moment i live in sub tropical SE Queensland Australia where we are fortunate to be visited a number of different parrots, colorful in plumage and character. Some of the lorikeets and king parrots will forage fruit and occasionally feed on fermenting fruit that has begun to develop an alcohol content. These birds can become effected, not being able to perch properly and better off not flying until it wears off. Worth a Google search. Cheers

        2. Here in North America, the lovely Cedar Waxwings indulge in fermented dogwood berries just like your parrots. They do pass out on occasion in a drunken sleep. Once I rescued one by lifting it and putting it up on a high fence ledge so a cat couldn’t get it. I must say that holding that lovely creature in my hands and feeling its heartbeat is a memory I cherish.

          1. That’s interesting, Mary. Thanks! I’m happy to know that Cedar Waxwings are also attracted to fermenting/ fermented fruit. 🙂 There are probably various birds the world around that do this? I imagine that the Australian birds who seem to seek it out (notably the parrot family, here, but there may be others) also target native fruits, as their ancestors did. Who knows? Perhaps the human attraction to alcohol began with someone, way back in time, who noted the ‘relaxed effect that’ fermenting fruit had on our beady-eyes, feathered friends and gave it a try?
            .
            – Lorin

  15. Very excited to be on the short list! Congratulations on your verse, Barbara. A whole tale in that one!

    Verse 1:

    under the tree
    one perfect pear

    1. Hi Liz Ann,
      I guess you didn’t see my responses to your post (near the top of last week’s thread).
      Do you have a surname we can use beside your verse, or would you prefer to leave it as ‘Liz Ann’? All of the completed renku are archived: https://www.thehaikufoundation.org/the-haiku-foundation-renku-archive/
      .

      And in answer to your question, in case you don’t revisit last week’s comments, see main post above, under ‘Submissions’:
      .
      “Since the Jûnicho has 12 verses only and we have many participants, a verse by a different person will be selected each time. I hope those with a verse selected will continue to follow our renku as it unfolds.”

      – Lorin

      1. Thanks Lorin- I’m sorry I didn’t see your earlier response. It was only in getting selected that I realized I left out my last name – Winkler.

        I do want to follow along with the Renku but will keep my “offerings” to myself. It is fun to see what I come up with and then appreciate all the diversity as I read all the others.

        I hope you are enjoying it as much as you are appreciated!

        1. Thanks, Liz. 🙂 Funny, your surname did come to mind, as I’ve seen it over the years in haiku journals. But I wasn’t sure enough to make the guess. It did try THF’s Registry, but you aren’t listed there.
          .
          Lorin

  16. Congratulations Barbara – a most enjoyable verse and very fitting for our latest verse as well as adding a fresh touch of humour. Thanks Lorin for your continuing insightful comments which i’m finding most enlightening. There is much more to renku than i previously imagined. I can see a movie night coming up soon watching The African Queen on Netflix! a classic that is for sure. Thanks again to everyone participating, its all a lot of fun.

  17. An observation and a preference for our first autumn verse:
    .
    Since the last three verses all begin with the subject of the verse (‘my life story’, ‘his breath’, ‘the marriage celebrant’) I will definitely be preferring those verses which don’t begin with the subject of the verse for our two autumn verses. We need a variety of approaches in syntax and in the way we express ideas and/or feelings/ emotions, whether implied or stated.
    .
    Also, I didn’t mean to exclude city areas as far as ‘landscape/ setting’ goes. . . just that the focus is ‘outdoors’ and on ‘nature’ (at least overtly). . . nothing is stopping allegory, implied metaphor, allusion, even the symbolic conveyed in terms of ‘nature’. (But only in relation to our maeku, Barbara’s verse. Beware of ‘return to uchikishi ) and especially to ‘breath’ via ‘breeze’, ‘wind’ and the like.)
    .
    The Japanese have been doing implied metaphor, allegory, allusion etc. for centuries in their renku. There’s no reason whatsoever that we shouldn’t.
    .

    – Lorin

    1. one more thought, Lorin.
      as far as variety goes, i’d be at least equally concerned about four of the five verses selected so far having a present tense verb, three of which are in third person singular.

  18. Thank you, Lorin, for liking my verse, so pleased to be part of this renku. You are doing a sterling job!

    My thanks to others for your kind comments.

    I am so looking forward to Autumn!

    peace and love
    B

  19. so, ‘marriage celebrant’ is a profession! never heard of it before this verse.
    having learned that i can doubly appreciate the qualities of the verse and the way it fits into the composition. good stuff!

    1. Polona,
      Agreeing w/ Lorin in that a “celebrant” is the grammatic third person of a job title or function (noun). It can easily be a religious OR civil person. A common English phrase is that a priest celebrates Mass, or it could also be a minister that celebrates communion. It may also be that a rabbi can be thought of that way. A judge or clerk can also celebrate a marriage, sign a marriage license, etc. Another civil person is called in the US a justice of the peace who can be engaged (hired) to perform the ceremony at a location — on the beach, or a garden, etc.

      1. thank you for your explanation, paul. i did educate myself by googling it (am quite used to doing that) 🙂
        different cultures, different habits, not to mention the language barriers… but all that is also part of the appeal of collaborative poetry 🙂

        1. just to clarify: i didn’t question Lorin’s reasoning, just surprised that a thing like that had escaped me previously. we learn all the time! 🙂

    2. Thanks, Polona. I, too, learned to google long ago (at first in order to understand haiku from elsewhere. . . being confronted, as I was, with flocks of tits, indigo buntings and taps (when ‘taps’ clearly didn’t mean those things one turns on in the bathroom to access hot & cold water). 🙂
      .
      Paul, only marriage celebrants are authorized to perform the marriage ceremony in Australia…no judges, no JPs, no clerks (I assume you mean ‘clerk of court’ rather than any old clerk at the shipping office, post office, Department of Trade & Industry etc.) At sea. the captain of a ship, of course, can still marry people (as in ‘The African Queen’, which I seem to have a fixation on at present!). There are religious marriage celebrants and civil marriage celebrants.
      .
      “The celebrant may be a representative of a religious organisation (known as a religious marriage celebrant) or someone providing secular or non-religious weddings (known as a civil marriage celebrant). ”
      .
      A list on Wikipedia “. . . distinguishes the Australian Civil Marriage Celebrant and the countries which follow the Australian model, from previous experiences of civil marriage, or from pre-conceived notions, often held especially in the UK and the USA that a civil marriage must be short, dry legal and soul-less.”
      https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Celebrant_(Australia)
      .
      One of the requirements in the Code of Practice for Civil Marriage Celebrants (listed, in link above) is that they must:
      .
      “arrive at the venue for the marriage ceremony no later than the time agreed with the parties…”
      .

      You can bet your boots that Celebrant would be apologising . . . he or she could lose their licence. 🙂
      .
      – Lorin

      1. To clarify, Paul:
        .
        ” . . . only marriage celebrants are authorized to perform the marriage ceremony in Australia…”
        .
        That is, apart from ‘church’ weddings (which includes all places of religious worship), where the traditional representatives of the particular religion perform the ceremony in accordance with their respective traditional rites.
        .
        – Lorin

        1. whoops, no, of course not…people can still get married in a Registry Office, by whomever ( a JP or clerk of some kind who’s authorized to do the job.)
          .
          But the title ‘marriage celebrant’ distinguishes this person from those officials. (I suppose a religious marriage celebrant might also apologise for being late, however I don’t know if the same rules/ code of conduct apply . . . in my view, “not being on time” indicates a concern that a civil marriage celebrant is more likely to have than any other. (After all, no government office can take away a priest’s (minister’s, pastor’s, etc) ‘licence’ to marry people.)
          .
          – Lorin

    1. Welcome, John. 🙂 I think ‘whisper’ is out, considering our uchikoshi. Have a look, also, at my post above regarding variation of syntax for this verse. It’s preferable not to begin with a subject for this verse as we have 3 in a row already which do that.
      .
      – Lorin

  20. Congratulations, Barbara. I should imagine we have all had to rush at sometime for some event, or even a bus. I can feel that gasping of breath, smashing verse.

    *
    Many thanks, once again, Lorin for placing my verse in your top eleven 🙂 nice.

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