The Renku Sessions: Jûnicho – Week 5

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1. Submissions for the 2nd love verse are now closed.
   .

   – Lorin

2. Thank you Lorin – I am so glad you liked and chose my offering. I’m really enjoying your very educational commentary. I don’t know if I’m eligible for another selection and only got back to the site this evening. I look forward to your upcoming commentary and participating in the next round!

   1. Hi Liz,
      It’s so good to hear from you. Do you have a surname we can use to go with your verse?
      Ive been wondering why we hadn’t heard from you and I don’t have an email address for you. Could you get back to me on this thread or at my email address, which you can find at the top of my THF Registry entry?
      .
      Because we have a 12 verse renku and an unlimited number of people who participate or may participate, once a verse is selected that author won’t have another selected, but it would be good if you’d continue to follow this renku to its conclusion. At that point, the traditional feedback from all participants is welcome.
      .
      – Lorin

3. Just a couple of hours to deadline! 🙂
   .
   – Lorin

4. lines deepen
   as the old man’s eyes flash
   in adoration
   .
   oh so gently
   grandma gives grandpa
   his last sponge bath

5. pearl anniversary
   calls for lots of oysters
   on the menu

   1. pearl anniversary
      means raw oysters
      for dinner tonight

      1. How could I have done that?!?!?
         .
         .
         paper anniversary
         DIY cards making
         suggestive proposals

         1. 🙂 I don’t know how, Judt… you’re not from Texas, are you? (at least I know what a Prairie Oyster is. Yuk.)
            .
            – Lorin

6. Dear Lorin,
   this is the right submission, the one I posted previously is wrong.
   My apologies
   Have a nice day
   lovely
   Doris
   *
   his breath as he whispers
   “Señora . . .”
   *
   *
   she speaks spanish
   he speaks english
   google doesn’t have barriers
   ***
   at that moment
   waiting for my pills
   a big headache
   ***
   an invitation
   the seat next to my
   was left empty

7. his breath as he whispers
   “Señora . . .”
   ***
   ***
   she speaks spanish
   he speaks english
   google doesn’t have barriers
   ***
   she speaks spanish
   he speaks english
   google helps conversation
   ***
   …and in that moment
   I wanted to have
   a real conversation

8. .
   his breath as he whispers
   “Señora . . .”
   .
   kiss
   as fresh
   this reunion year
   .
   vibrant still
   the honeymoon
   conch shell
   .
   pause
   of the porch swing
   in evening light
   .

9. sensible shoes
   under twin beds
   pushed together
   – Betty Shropshire

   1. I really like this image, Betty. I smile every time I read it. 🙂
      .
      👋 Karen

      1. Thank you, Karen! ☺

         1. Welcome 🙂

10. after fifty years

    singing again

    the words of jane Birkin

11. final verse-
    *
    how shameless
    the squeak of
    old bed springs

12. his breath as he whispers
    “Señora . . .” Liz Ann
    .

    ——
    .

    sleeping alone
    for the first time
    in forty odd years
    .

    concealer
    hiding imperfections
    and a fresh bruise
    .

    in parting
    her promise to save
    the last dance

13. Lorin, you’re doing a great job as handler/guide…and not fuhrer!
    I have another clarification question: is the final revision the only version that will be considered?
    Thanks!
    .
    Judt (revision queen)

    1. Judt, I read and consider both originals and revisions.
       .
       – Lorin

       1. . . . and thanks for the compliment. 🙂
          .
          – Lorin

       2. Thank you!

14. A wonderful, seductive verse, Liz. Congratulations.

    1. Thank you – Its Monday night and i just opened the page to this delightful surprise!

15. two old tokers
    digging Afternoon Delight
    in the here and now

    1. two old tokers
       into Afternoon Delight
       here and now

16. his breath as he whispers
    “Señora . . .”
    .
    – Liz Ann
    .

    a tremor
    becomes a ripple
    through the pond

17. .
    his breath as he whispers
    “Señora . . .”
    .
    Liz Ann
    (Congrats)
    .
    .
    call to a pharm
    for the morning after
    pill
    .
    .
    lift music playing
    all the single ladies
    (put a ring on it)
    .
    .
    passing the fountain
    to make a wish
    with shiny penny
    .
    .
    Jan Benson
    USA

    1. Jan, I googled. . . because my first association was with the practice of knackering (young male) sheep by ‘ringing’ the testicular sac with what amounts to a thick rubber band. That suppresses the blood flow and after a while the testes just drop off. (“Put a ring on it” might be something said of a man who couldn’t keep his fly zipped). Cultural differences! The Japanese never had this sort of problem! It’s sure to arise with international EL renku, though. These days it’s a lot more than just England and the USA that are “divided by a common language”.
       .
       What part of the female anatomy should he have put a ring on, according to Beyonce? (Enlighten me!)
       .
       Music is a topic we haven’t visited in our renku so far (as is visual art, dance, literature etc. etc.) so that’s good. We’d need quotation marks for the quoted part of this one, though, otherwise there’s either a cut after ‘playing’ or the lift music is playing all the single ladies in the lift!
       .
       – Lorin

       1. Lorin,
          The reference to “put a ring on it” is the wedding ring finger, as is evident in the video by Beyonc’e…

          https://youtu.be/4m1EFMoRFvY
          .
          .
          So would the quotation marks begin on line two and continue to the end of line three?

          Thanks for your positive comment.

          Jan Nenson

          1. I watched and listened to the video, Jan. It’s not evident to me. Never once does she mention ‘finger’ or what the ‘it’ he should’ve put a ring on is!
             .
             “If you liked it you should’ve put a ring on it.” Are we supposed to imagine, in context of the rest of the song, that it was one of her fingers he liked so much?
             .
             – Lorin

             1. Lorin.
                We’ll just chalk it up to cultural barriers.
                I’m good.

                It’s a game.

                Jan

             2. It’s a game, Jan, but renku is a communal poetry game. There may be ‘cultural barriers’, but basic grammatical construction is something shared across the Englishes. Sometimes we can guess what’s meant even when the subject is missing, as in riddles: “If you walk it without a leash it might bite someone.” (Most people will guess it’s likely to be a dog, not a toddler or a shark even though both can bite… though we can’t entirely rule out the toddler possibility.)
                .
                It may be that, in Beyonce’s song, “it” is deliberately ambiguous (like Betty’s Boring figure) but is understood well enough in context of the whole. What happens, though, when title & subtitle . . . and/or refrain, since it’s both. . . is lifted out of context and the reader is confronted with an unsolvable “missing subject”? Basically, the verse becomes a riddle. . . a riddle which, because of the (I imagine, deliberate) ambiguity or vague double entendre in the song, cannot be resolved. “My” in our current uchikoshi refers to a person and “his” and “he” in our maeku refers to a male person, That’s clear. What the two instances of “it” refer to in the song is far more opaque. (I’m pretty sure it doesn’t simply mean “if you liked the 3rd finger on my left hand you should’ve put a ring on it.”)
                .
                It’s attention-getting, but my feeling is that, in terms of a renku, it has the potential of stopping the flow while readers try to figure out what “it” is.
                .
                – Lorin

18. skyping
    from the war zone
    blown kisses goodbye

    1. Sally,
       Good use of topics we haven’t had yet…’war’ & ‘technology’. But, as I read it, this is a haiku. I read L2 as a ‘hinge’ or ‘pivot’ line:
       .
       skyping
       from the war zone
       .
       and
       .
       from the war zone
       blown kisses goodbye
       .
       A hinge/ pivot line in haiku allows two simultaneous ‘cuts’ in a 3-line verse. In renku, it’s the ‘white space’ between verses that acts like either a cut or a pivot/hinge. The connections are between verses . . . between maeku and tsukeku. . . see Week 3 ‘A trio of verses’. Only the hokku is like a haiku, which stands alone, isn’t dependent on a prior verse.
       .
       – Lorin

       1. Lorin,

          Here is a revision:

          ******

          craving
          just one more air kiss
          from the war zone

19. Congratulations, Liz !

    his breath as he whispers
    “Señora . . .”

    – Liz Ann

    *

    making a wish
    for tower clock’s
    malfunction

    *

    romping
    around the cufflink
    hooked in necklace

    1. Thanks Aparna – I’m delighted.

20. Definitely some Spanish heat in both Lee’s and Liz’s verses! Muy bueno!
    .
    .
    a post-it note
    on the doorframe requests
    “another night 🙂”
    .
    Are we allowed emojis in renku, Lorin?

    1. a post-it note
       on the door requesting
       “another night 🙂”
       .
       Or does requests/requesting need to drop to L3?

    2. We could have one emoji in the renku. 🙂
       .
       – Lorin

       1. Yet, Marion and Lorin, the same as in haiku… I ask how it would be pronounced when the poem is read aloud? No footnotes or stage-whisper asides, ey?

          1. Paul,
             I suppose, when reading it aloud, we’d have to translate the written note into speech, for instance, ” another night smiley-face.” 🙂
             .

             – Lorin

21. checking in to find
    the honeymooner’s hotel
    is over booked

    *

    do not disturb
    hangs outside
    the bridal suite

    *

    the marriage celebrant
    apologizes for not arriving
    on time

22. his breath as he whispers
    “Señora . . .”
    – Liz Ann
    *

    the gentle wind
    leaves the fragrance
    behind

    *****
    the mirror
    reflects the smiles
    of shyness

    *****
    the newlyweds
    chant as the church
    bell chimes

    1. How sweet your second verse, Pravat 🙂

23. rediscovering
    each other
    in the mirror

24. It’s great fun to be indulging in a renku for the first time, and it makes me work hard to try and get around the various restrictions. I love reading everyone’s verses although some links are beyond my comprehension (which makes me want to ask about the meaning but would mean revealing my ignorance!). I think the verses already chosen are very impressive and it’s compelling to try and follow them at a complementary level.

    Here are my love verses for Verse#5:
    …
    lying on the lawn
    in the silence
    between the sighs
    …
    alcohol at work
    led to urgent coupling
    in the computer room
    …
    tomorrow
    there will be chafing
    and a huge grin

    1. Hi Pauline,
       Yes, it can be daunting at first. The primary ‘restriction’ is actually the motor that drives the renku forward, that of not revisiting the uchikoshi/ verse before last. This is the ‘shift’. Each verse links in some way or another to the maeku. Link is what makes renku something other than a collection of miscellaneous verses on various topics.
       .
       The ‘meaning’ of link is simply an association/s between things or scenarios. Nothing esoteric about this: think about kindergarten association games. “Two of these things belong together/ two of these things are kind of the same/ but one of these things is kind of different: “cat, dog, rose.” Or a bit harder,” giraffe, elephant, shark.” Or “snow, rain, successful Mars rocket launch”. Or “hot, cold, wet.” Then we go on to what have these things in common: “pumpkin, ugly sisters, glass slipper”? “sandcastle, pipi shells, sunburn”? If you’re American, “turkey, early settlers, religion”? Or again, “hot, cold, wet” , this time focusing on what they have in common.
       .
       A bit further on we get riddles: Q.”Why is a woman like a rose bush?” A. “They both have hips.” (Educational as riddles are, they can lead, in the wrong hands, to some ridiculously absurd and forensic interpretations of regression, as noted by John Carley: eg. ” Ya can’t have ‘beer’ here because 7 or 8 verses back we had ‘hubcap’ and beer comes in metal cans, both are man-made items, both are made of metal and we can find both beer cans and hubcaps dumped along the local road.” and “Can’t have a mansion here because we had a seagull there and both have wings.”
       .
       John Carley, with a great deal of common sense, has concluded that if it takes the methodology of a forensic laboratory to pursue a case of supposed regression its just a waste of time and mind. Both link and shift are important.
       .
       The tsukeku must link to its maeku and shift completely away from its uchikoshi. How a tsukeku links to its maeku is open to interpretation. Some may spend a lifetime counting the myriad ways and leave a thesis and guidebook behind. Basho didn’t :-). He basically said that linking via rank, place, word associations etc. were all well and good (& he did use these), but if something looked like a link, walked like a link and smelled like a link it was a link.
       .
       A variety of different ways of linking is as desirable as different topics and expression/syntax is in renku.
       .
       – Lorin
       .

       1. Great reply, Lorin.

25. unfolding layers
    of velvet with
    a gentle touch

26. imagine
    if mirrors had minds
    and memories

    1. imagine
       mirrors with minds
       and memories

       1. Interesting in itself, Simon, but always check with the uchikoshi before posting:
          .
          A. my life story
          between mouthfuls
          of chili con carne

          .
          B. his breath as he whispers
          “Señora . . .”

          .

          C. imagine
          mirrors with minds
          and memories
          .

          It’s the maeku you need to link to and the uchikoshi you need to shift from
          Complete disassociation from the uchikoshi but association with the maeku is the primary means by which a renku (any renku) moves forward.
          .
          – Lorin

          1. ah yes, i see what you mean, i didn’t initially make the connection with my ‘mirror memories’ and “my life story” but the moment you mentioned it i could see it. Thanks again, the challenge of it all is quite fun.

             1. It would be the same if we reversed your tsukeku & our uchikoshi:
                .
                A. imagine
                mirrors with minds
                and memories

                .
                (B. his breath as he whispers
                “Señora . . .”)

                .

                C. my life story
                between mouthfuls
                of chili con carne
                .
                – Lorin

    2. scary 🙂

       1. Very.

27. his breath as he whispers
    “Señora . . .”
    .
    Liz Ann
    .
    a black negligee
    spins on a hook
    as the door shuts
    .
    the first drops
    of warmed oil
    on her shoulders

28. arrangements made
    for a wedding
    at the old age home

29. still upstaged
    by pulling it off
    as a Boring figure
    – Betty Shropshire

    1. Clever, Betty. 🙂 But perhaps a tad overstuffed, what with both ‘Boring/ boring figure’ and ‘pulling it off’/ pulling ‘it’ off? Also, grammar: if you were being upstaged, wouldn’t it be by something someone else does, rather than by something you’re doing. ?
       .
       – Lorin

       1. Thanks! And, I see your point. Maybe this revision will do:
          …
          still upstaged
          by that Boring figure
          kept in the wings

       2. I have completely lost the idea of the three line love verse…

          1. Jan, imagine a love triangle…a scene where the other woman (of an indeterminate age) is being attended to and in full view. Perhaps, a powerful man who doesn’t care if his wife witnesses his indiscretions. How would it be dealt with…scorn perhaps to hide the hurt? And, there is that play on the word “boring”
             Anyway, this scene came to mind because I had an experience in my early 30’s while riding a bus to work with my ex-husband. Because my hair had turned completely white by then and I wore it long, it was hard to figure out my age. I’ll never forget a woman who was a few rows upfront saying a little too loudly and snidely, “look at her hands, just look at her hands” after her boyfriend kept staring at me. It was a flagrant attempt to get her boyfriend to see me in a less appealing light. Ah, well.

30. A sensuous offering. Congratulations, Liz Ann
    *
    *
    strand of pearls
    left on the pillow
    with unfinished poems
    *
    the note ends
    with Cupid arrows
    piercing “always”
    *
    mantle clock
    ticks away
    the last time

    1. Thank you Jackie – I love your offerings for this next verse.

31. Yes, a huge learning curve and of immense value for those, such as myself, who are learning the genre.

    1. Ya think?!
       Phew!

       1. ’tis for me, Janis 🙂

32. nicely done!
    enjoying the development of this renku with the accompanying comments and explanations 🙂

33. Well done, Liz! And, Lorin…immensely enjoying your commentary! 😁

34. stimulating undies
    strewn across
    the bed

35. dressed to the nines
    but, as usual, just some
    caged bird
    – Betty Shropshire

36. seizing leaves
    from the notepad
    to pen goodbye

37. Congratulations Liz, slyly subtle
    **************************
    what’s love got to do
    with the here and
    the now
    **************
    fit to be tied
    she said
    with a smile
    *************
    two fools
    to far gone
    to recover

    1. Thanks Michael – i see you are keeping things pretty hot.

38. before the morning
    a heap of green backs
    on the bed side table

    *
    going with the autumnal verse coming up I’ve used the American term for dollars. Hope this is ok?

    1. or-

       afterward
       just a heap of green backs
       on the bed side table

    2. Hmmm… I don’t know, Carol. I think ‘greenbacks’ (one word) were paper currency used in the American Civil War. Is that what you mean? (I’m no expert on USA currency. I didn’t even know the USA had pennies until Gene Murtha told me they used to have them. Maybe someone from the USA will step in & explain?)
       .
       I’m not sure what green backs (or greenbacks) or any sort of money would have to do with autumn, but more importantly, we haven’t had the autumn verse yet. You don’t need to provide a link in advance..
       .
       – Lorin

       1. Ok, Lorin, thank you. I’ll leave this one and move on.
          Think I’m trying to be a bit to clever and tripped over myself 🙂
          Must remember to write for the reader…at all times.

39. Congratulations, Liz Ann. The beauty of using a word of a ‘foreign language’ reminds me of my New Year haiku, published in Mainichi Daily on 1.1.2016.I used the Japanese word ‘Ganjitsu’ (A New Year’s Day). Isamu Hashimoto appreciated it and published the haiku. I think, Lorin, aptly preferred to choose this two-line poem. Indeed it is fascinating and the journey so far looks a roller-coaster poetic ride! Congratulations to all participants.

    1. Thank you. Loving all the learning and Lorin is a great teacher.

40. Great to see some comments and verses here already! 🙂 Thanks Carol, Terri. Paul and Simon.
    .
    Also great to see that Paul’s and Simon’s verses veer away from using ‘person’. Just in case it’s not clear to everyone, ‘person’ is a grammatical term. We have a 1st person possessive pronoun (‘my’) in our uchikoshi and 2nd person possessive (‘his’) + 2nd person (‘he’) in our maeku. So we avoid using ‘person’ (‘we’, ‘our’, ‘your’, ‘they’, ‘their’) again.
    .
    Avoiding ‘person’ does not mean avoiding people! How could a love verse possibly avoid people? It can’t. No people, no love verse.
    .
    It’s sheer coincidence that our 2nd love verse occurs with Valentine’s Day soon coming up. If the theme tempts you ( and it certainly does not have to) remember not to name the day (we have ‘Senora’) and please avoid ‘hearts’ and ‘flowers’. (We save flowers for the flower verse.)
    .
    After seduction, what? From the comic through the romantic to the tragic there are many, many possibilities, over the course of a day or of a lifetime. Make the most of it, have fun with the ‘love’ topic and bear in mind that it will soon be autumn. . . in our next verse.
    .

    – Lorin

    .

41. Superb verse Liz. I am so much enjoying the journey . . . thanks Lorin and thanks to all poets here
    .
    an idle hour
    in the gallery
    of erotic art

42. after the porter
    delivers their luggage
    champagne pops

43. wedding night lingerie
    sheer and frilly held closed
    by a bow

44. Good choice. Nice job, Liz (and all of the contenders). Happy to be in the top ten!

45. A wonderful choice, Lorin. Thank you for placing my verse in your top ten, I’m so pleased.

46. Congratulations, Liz Ann, very sensual.

    *
    I can still remember, when I was a teenager, the time when a young man took my hand and kissed it then asked me to dance. The same kind of inner excitement as your verse portrays 🙂

    1. Thanks Carol – I did worry that the scene from “A Fish Called Wanda” where the Jamie Lee Curtis character wants Kevin Kline’s to speak french to her might take away from my offering. Glad good memories rose up for you.

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