Renku Sessions

The Renku Sessions: Jûnicho – Week 3

renkuchainWelcome to The Haiku Foundation’s Seventh Renku Session.

I’m Lorin Ford. I’m your sabaki for this Jûnicho renku.

“The word sabaki means handler or guide. . . . It is pure chance that the German word Führer also translates as guide.” (John Carley, Renku Reckoner)

Please join me in the making of a Jûnicho and in making this collaborative poem an enjoyable experience for all involved.

Some Resources:

John Carley’s ‘Introduction to Renku’.

Renku Home.

THF renku archive here.

 

Wakiku

The wakiku is seemingly simple (we link, but we don’t have to take ‘shift’ into account) but it’s not easy to do well. The wakiku has an essential job to do: support, complement and confirm the world of the hokku while bringing something new.  Our wakiku had to link more closely than any subsequent verse in this Jûnicho will need to link to its previous verse. There was a good variety of approaches and topics:  people, animals, birds (or traces of) and things seen along the way from the point of view of being on the sleigh ride, songs sung, culmination of the sleigh ride at various venues, winter sports, warm clothes and coverings, food and drinks. . .

Reading and re-reading each verse offer in relation to our hokku with its enchanting visual image of the shimmering moonlit road, I was most drawn to verses that evoke experience via other senses than sight, while staying with the context of our moonlit sleigh ride. My shortlist of ten wakiku (in order of post date and time):

 

colder than we/ can recall in years                                             – Michael Henry Lee

.

softly, how softly/ snowflakes fall                                               – Kala Ramesh

.

just a touch of arthritis/ a cold crow caws, too                      – Betty Shropshire

.

wood smoke aroma/from the village chimneys                     -Carol Jones

.

a split-lipped recitation/into the wind                                      -Patrick Sweeney

.

the smell of chestnuts/ hangs in the air                                    -Lorraine Haig

.

a different sound of wind/ in the frozen pines                       – Sanjuktaa  Asopa

.

the rhythm of hooves/ below tinkling bells                             – Elaine Andre

.

warm against the frost/a nip from grandfather’s flask        -Phil Allen

.

the night tinkles/with hoar frost geometry                             – Simon Hanson

.

 

Our Wakiku: the Wonder!

sleigh ride
the road ahead shimmers
in moonlight

    – Marta Chocilowska

softly, how softly
snowflakes fall

    – Kala Ramesh

We move from the exhilaration of the sleigh ride and the enchantment of the shimmering, snowy road ahead to the sheer wonder of experiencing a natural event: it actually begins to snow! Right now, while we’re on the sleigh ride. The awe and wonder if it! This wakiku is written in the style of ‘interior monologue’, a literary device that allows the reader directly into a character’s thoughts. The words here are heard, if at all, as barely breathed. No second party is being addressed. I imagine a passenger on the sleigh, wide-eyed with wonder, turning up the palm of her/his hand to feel the touch of falling snowflakes. It could be anyone, of any age, but it feels to me like a first experience of snowfall. As reader, I’m drawn in. I see the snowflakes drifting down. I feel their soft touch on my outstretched hand and on my face, feel the texture. I become that person listening to the soft sound of snowflakes falling all around me. (‘Softly’ does double duty here.) The syntax of this wakiku differs from that of our hokku, an achievement shared with several other wakiku on my shortlist. A hush is created by the rhythm and pacing. Time seems to slow down. This is a wonderful wakiku in every sense of the word, Kala.

 

Call for Daisan

For our Jûnicho , we’ll be following this schema from John Carley’s Renku Reckoner:

 

hokku         —    winter moon       (long)

wakiku        —    winter                   (short)

 

  • daisan —    no season            (long)

 

verse 4        —    no season love      (short)

verse 5       —    no season love      (long)

verse 6        —    autumn                   (short)

verse 7        —    autumn                   (long)

verse 8        —    no season               (short)

verse 9        —    summer flower    (long)

verse 10     —    no season               (short)

verse 11     —    spring                       (long)

ageku          —    spring                       (short)

 

The Three Phases of Renku

A quick word about jo/ ha/kyu, the three phases or movements of renku in general. The jo phase has been likened to a gently flowing mountain stream. It is the polite, gentle or restrained movement. Nobody mentions the war. (Basil Fawlty is locked in the basement.) Nobody remarks on the host’s comb-over or the hostess’s derriere. In the ha movement the stream becomes a meandering river with who knows what around the next bend. (Film buffs might imagine the river in the Humphrey Bogart/Katherine Hepburn classic, ‘The African Queen’.) The final phase, the kyu, has been likened to a waterfall, swiftly falling towards the conclusion. Jûnicho renku barely nod to the jo and kyu movements.  The hokku and wakiku are in keeping with the jo movement. Verses 10 and 11 are usually in keeping with the swift, straightforward movement of kyu. But most of a Jûnicho is ha. This allows such a short renku to maximise variety.

 

Our Transition Verse

“The daisan is the ‘break-away’ verse. Whereas hokku and wakiku might read as a unit, with the arrival of daisan, the sequence begins to unfold. Links between daisan and wakiku will tend to be more free than that between wakiku and hokku, while tone, setting and narrative perspective can all be expected to differ markedly from the initial pair. Daisan are expected to open outwards – to be both germinal and unfinished, suggestive of multiple possibilities.” – John Carley, ‘Introduction to Renku’

In addition, our daisan will mark the transition to our Jûnicho renku’s ha section and open the way to the first of two ‘love’ verses.

 

Link and Shift – A Trio of Verses 

“Link & shift is the motor of renku. It draws its energy from the forces of connection and disassociation that develop over the arc of a trio of verses. Any trio. And every trio.” – John Carley, Renku Reckoner

Linking : With the exception of the hokku (and sometimes the last verse, the ageku) each renku verse depends on and connects with the verse that immediately precedes it . . . in some way. There are different kinds of linking. See  ‘LINK AND SHIFT—A Practical Guide to Renku’ Composition. The wakiku requires close linking but throughout a renku there will be varying degrees of proximity and distance between one verse and the next. We link to the verse immediately preceding. The wakiku links to the hokku, the daisan links to wakiku . . . and only to the wakiku.  The daisan is the first verse to employ shift.

Shift is the engine which drives the renku ever forward until the final verse, the ageku.  Shifting requires the avoidance of any connection with the verse before the verse we’re linking to. The Japanese term for the verse we’re currently writing is tsukeku. The verse we’re linking to is the maeku.  The verse we’re shifting away from is the uchikoshi. Beginning with our daisan, each new tsukeku must link to its maeku and shift completely away from its uchikoshi.

 

The Daisan

  • is a three-line verse without a cut or turn
  • links to the wakiku and shifts completely away from the hokku
  • this daisan must have no seasonal reference or kigo

 

Submissions:

  • Please use the ‘‘Leave a reply’ box down at the bottom of the thread to submit up to 3 of your daisan for consideration. (Since the Jûnicho has 12 verses only and we have many participants, a verse by a different person will be selected each time. I hope that those with a verse selected will continue to follow our renku as it unfolds. )
  • Please, if you wish to post a revision of any verse you’ve posted previously , use the ‘reply’ function at the bottom of your original post, NOT the submissions box at the bottom of the thread that reads ‘Leave a reply’.

Please post your submissions before midnight Monday 29th January, Eastern USA time. (New York time)That’s the deadline. I find the World Clock handy.

Happy daisan writing! I look forward to reading everyone’s submissions. The selected daisan and instructions for verse 4 will be posted next Thursday morning: February 1st, New York time.

– Lorin

 

Our Jûnicho to date

sleigh ride
the road ahead shimmers
in moonlight

    – Marta Chocilowska

softly, how softly
snowflakes fall

    – Kala Ramesh

This Post Has 114 Comments

  1. That’s the end of submissions for the daisan. Watch for the next call for submissions on Thursday morning, New York time.
    .
    – Lorin

  2. My humble offering, Lorin

    .
    sleigh ride
    the road ahead shimmers
    in moonlight

    – Marta Chocilowska
    softly, how softly
    snowflakes fall

    – Kala Ramesh
    .
    .
    a mother sauce
    perfumes our entrance
    to the banquet hall
    .
    .
    Jan Benson
    USA

    1. Lorin
      I believe the use of “perfumes” will conflict with the blossom verse, and wish to amend lines one, two and three of my daisan offering.

      .
      a bribe of mother-sauce
      quickens our entrance
      to the dining hall
      .
      Jan Benson

      1. How interesting, Jan! Not being au fait with the fine points of French cooking,I’ve learned something new: mother sauce! 🙂
        .
        – Lorin

        1. . . . and you got your first version in at one minute to deadline! 🙂 (Not your revision, though)
          .
          – Lorin

  3. Wonderful selection, congratulations Kala!!
    ☺
    My offering for daisan after verses by Marta and Kala…
    *
    sleigh ride
    the road ahead shimmers
    in moonlight
    *
    softly, how softly
    snowflakes fall
    *
    guessing
    the scent from a pile
    of fresh linen
    *
    Many thanks
    Brendon

  4. softly, how softly
    snowflakes fall
    – Kala Ramesh
    …
    more than flesh
    and bone
    as its scent permeates
    – Bett Shropshire

  5. softly, how softly
    snowflakes fall
    .
    – Kala Ramesh
    .
    a line of TV
    screens fill up
    with white dots
    .
    silver sparkles
    on her party dress
    dance with the music

  6. lovely choices Lorin

    softly, how softly
    snow flakes fall/ Kala Ramesh

    folding
    sifted flour into the
    beaten eggs

    polka dotted
    skirts whirling around
    the dance floor

  7. sleigh ride
    the road ahead shimmers
    in moonlight
    ..
    softly, how softly
    snowflakes fall
    ..
    cake mont blanc
    whipped cream
    for decoration

  8. sleigh ride
    the road ahead shimmers
    in moonlight
    ..
    softly, how softly
    snowflakes fall
    ..
    sound of quiet
    her fingers gently
    play with origami

  10. 3 Daisan:

    despite the cat’s
    continued begging
    grandmother snores

    ***

    a fly
    on the window screen
    hums a tune

    ***

    “bang bang”
    the young sheriff clutches
    his plastic star

  11. sleigh ride
    the road ahead shimmers
    in moonlight
    *
    softly, how softly
    snowflakes fall
    *
    a white dog
    with a black patch round its eye
    wants to be my friend
    ***
    at the guest house,
    I turn the clown painting
    to face the wall
    ***
    my life story
    between mouthfuls
    of chili con carne

  12. Lorin: appreciate the nod
    Kala: so many memories associated with your verse – thank you
    .
    softly, how softly
    snowflakes fall
    .
    brushing
    a strand of blond
    from his shoulder
    .
    without a trace
    the cat
    exits its box
    .
    the key
    way back in
    grandmother’s sock drawer
    .

  13. Congratulations, Kala !

    It is such so delightful to read verses and comments here. Commentary on selection makes so informative.
    Thank you Lorin

    *

    convocation
    wishful signatures
    in my diary

    *

    chanting beads
    addressing the final call
    to board

    *

    horror movie
    raising the arm rest
    of the hall chair

    1. Hi Aparna. 🙂 Your 2nd here (though I know you don’t intend it) takes us back to the hokku with “call to board”, since that call could apply to a sleigh ride as much as to a plane or boat. (In this short renku we won’t be having any further transport vehicles). The renku must move ever forward without backward glances and any “return to last-but-one”, the uchikoshi, interferes with the forward flow.
      .
      This is part of the structure of renku, part of the game . . . as in the rules of the game of chess & other board games. which makes them challenging and interesting to play. 🙂
      .
      – Lorin

      1. Yes, it is challenging , Lorin . And that is what makes it so enjoyable. Thank you for your comment. I have to be more careful now . Didnt realize sleigh and board have clear connection here. 🙂

  14. softly, how softly
    snowflakes fall
    .
    -Kala Ramesh
    .
    add a little spice
    to your wardrobe
    with polka dots!

  15. If i may; an edit of my daisan verses. If Ii may not; my apologies and i’ll know better the next time
    ************************
    one special ingredient
    slips in
    the winning pie
    *************
    digging through
    an avalanche
    of obnoxious emails
    ******************
    anticipating
    the toddler’s next move
    before they can make it

    1. Michael, you’re welcome to edit your verse offers. Just one thing: please, in future, use the reply function at the bottom of your earlier post to post edits. (See ‘Submissions’ in the main weekly post above.)
      .
      -Lorin

  17. in the footsteps
    of mountain hikers
    a cat follows

    snow bent cedars
    a faint sound of bells
    where might this path lead

  19. congrats, Kala.

    *

    waiting at the station
    her white knuckles
    explain it all

    *

    only optimistic fools
    madly speculate
    on Bitcoin

    *

    amidst the chaos
    Inspector Plod employs
    a new direction

  20. A beautiful verse, Kala. Congratulations! Lorin made a perfect choice from a field of excellent contenders.
    .
    softly, how softly
    snowflakes fall (Kala Ramesh)
    .
    .
    deft fingers
    create vibrato
    on the strings
    .
    .
    marble chips fly
    as the chisel brings
    a figure to life
    .
    .
    old dog’s tail
    thump thumping
    its own beat

  23. Hi All, please see my response to Paul. down further in this thread.
    .
    Nothing in the daisan should take the reader’s attention back to the hokku in any way. The hokku is the wakiku’s uchikoshi . (see ‘Link and Shift – A Trio of Verses’ in the main post, above)
    .
    I should also mention here that the hokku is considered sacrosanct territory : no verse in a renku should return attention to it. Since we have a horse-drawn sleigh, we’ll need to avoid horses, their paces etc. for the rest of this short renku. If the hokku had a dog-drawn sleigh, we’d need to avoid dogs, even Chihuahuas . . . though we wouldn’t have to get ridiculous and avoid hot dogs (the food) & in the case of the sleigh horses in our hokku, we wouldn’t have to avoid horseradish or horseradish sauce. (Though maybe it’d be best to do without these in the daisan. 🙂 )
    .
    – Lorin

    1. Yikes! Error Aolert: (“The hokku is the wakiku’s uchikoshi .” above)
      .
      It’s not, of course. It’s the daisan’s uchkoshi.
      .
      …and it’s about 40 degrees Celsuis, here. Brain-frying. No air conditioning. Time to have a cold shower again.
      .
      – Lorin

  24. black cockatoo
    screeches abuse as it flies
    into the trees
    …
    on washing day
    a snap and flap
    of sheets in the wind
    …
    ripping
    old diaries
    Is cathartic

    Thank you, Marta and Kala, for a beautiful beginning, and Lorin for the guidance along the way.

  25. Hi Kala, congratulations, a lovely verse.

    ***

    in the nursing home
    photographs of her youth
    she has forgotten

    ***
    sliding his fingers
    over the piano keys
    he hums an old riff

    ***
    a chocolate wrapper
    still in the dollhouse
    the way she left it

    ***

  27. what a good start

    sleigh ride
    the road ahead shimmers
    in moonlight

    softly, how softly
    snowflakes fall

    at the dig
    flint arrow heads tell
    of long ago

  29. sleigh ride
    the road ahead shimmers
    in moonlight
    –
    softly, how softly
    snowflakes fall
    –
    coffee
    and Danish served up
    with a view

  30. children choir
    brought by the wind
    from far away

    or

    a children choir
    travel the distance
    with the wind

  31. Yay Marta and Kala! And yay Lorin for helping us understand the ins and outs!
    – – –
    white dress
    flows out behind her
    creating a moment

  32. Kala, a pretty wakiku offering! Lorin, I have more and more understanding of artful renku with your helpful insights. Now to learn to apply it! 8^D
    ***
    white knight mirage
    as quixotic giants
    farm swift winds
    **
    candle flames
    adding weight and time
    to chiffon cake
    **
    such joy
    to surprise
    with simple magic

  33. Lovely verse Kala, such a delicate touch. The many offerings are a real treat and I am thouroghly enjoying the commentaries and guidance Lorin, thanks.
    .
    .

    sleigh ride
    the road ahead shimmers
    in moonlight
    .
    softly, how softly
    snowflakes fall
    .
    pink candy floss
    melts in her mouth
    colours her lips

    1. Hi PK…re your first: we need to keep newlyweds & the like for the ‘love’ verses. (So you can scratch that one & substitute another, if you like)
      .
      – Lorin

  35. looks sideways
    waving her white pom poms
    the cheerleader

    icing sugar
    to cover the cake
    too cooked

    transgression
    of some fresh cream
    on the first coffee

  39. sleigh ride
    the road ahead shimmers
    in moonlight
    ———————————————————————–
    softly, how softly
    snowflakes fall
    ———————————————————————–
    dripping chocolate
    on a vanilla-iced cake
    like Jackson Pollock!

    the standoffish cat
    snuggles up to me
    for the first time

    the waking baby
    responds to my wink and smile
    with a laugh

  41. Kala, loving where your verse is taking us as I read the offers! A delightfully delicate verse.
    ☺ Betty

  42. softly, how softly
    snowflakes fall
    – Kala Ramesh
    …
    7th son
    of a 7th son
    i sign and you?
    – Betty Shropshire

  44. Congratulations to Marta and Kala for the hokku and wakiku, Lorin’s choice I liked very much, so and if the explanations. I am sorry to know little about the English language, but I like “playing” with you.
    Here are my suggestions:

    hand in hand –
    chocolate drops
    inside the plumcake
    ——————————
    rain and wind-
    whites and blacks keys
    of the floor
    ——————————
    white hair
    a smile sullenly
    like for fun
    ——————————

    1. Grazie, Angiola. 🙂
      .
      An important point / Un punto importante (thanks to google translate. 🙂 )
      .
      It’s only the hokku (first verse) in renku that is like a haiku. All the other verses don’t have a cut or turn. They are more like ordinary sentences. These verses of yours are haiku, Angiola.
      .

      For instance, taking your ‘white and black keys’ as a starting point, this daisan would look something like this:
      .
      white and black keys
      dancing
      under her fingers
      .
      or
      .
      under her fingers
      the black and white keys
      dancing
      .
      No cut, no disjunction / disgiunzione. Do you see? Have a look at the shape of the various verses in other renku. There are some links in the main post, above, including one to the THF renku archive. Just click on the red link. Also, there are many prize-winning renku in the HSA’s Einbond Renku Awards archives:
      .
      http://www.hsa-haiku.org/einbondawards/einbond.htm
      .
      Look at a few of those renku to see the structure of daisan and other 3 line verses (excluding the hokku) work.
      .
      – Lorin

      THF renku archive

      2. in your hand
        the chocolate drops
        of the plumcake
        ___________________

        only
        two small fingers
        on the piano keys

        1. Yes, 🙂 Your two verses directly above are both structured as renku ‘internal verses’ ( hiraku ) without the cut evident in the hokku (or in haiku)
          .
          The reason we don’t have haiku-like verses (beyond the hokku) is that the ‘white space’ (‘gap’, ’emptiness’, ‘dreaming room’, ‘cut thread that each reader must join’ , ‘disjunction’ etc.) is enacted between any two consecutive renku verses, (the current           maeku and its tsukeku) rather than between the two parts of a traditional haiku or hokku.
          .

          The hokku (first verse) doesn’t have a maeku to link to, so must be a ‘stand-alone’ verse with a cut that renders its two parts separate, two parts of a thread that need to be found and joined together by the reader.
          .
          – Lorin

  45. Lorin,

    Can’t imagine you’ve chosen my candidate.
    And what a maha beautiful commentary on the waki.
    Thank you so much. Simply elated.
    _kala :)))

  46. Nicely done Kala / Great commentary Lorin
    *************
    one special
    ingredient slips in
    the winning pie
    ************
    digging through
    an avalanche of those?
    obnoxious emails
    ****************
    anticipating
    the toddler’s next move
    before they can make it

  48. Congratulations Kala, Great commentary Lorin … thank you.
    ….
    fireside
    turning pages
    of the storybook
    …….
    old rooster
    crowing at sunrise
    day begins

    2. I wonder if I have structured my second offering correctly, maybe

      old rooster
      crowing at sunrise
      as day begins.

  49. with a hammer
    the blacksmith
    bend an iron bar

    **

    **

    the opera overture
    by Rossini ends
    with cymbals

    **

    **

    sparks fly
    as granite blocks split
    in the quarry

    ===
    ===

    1. 🙂 Paul.
      .
      Can you find a way of getting rid of that definite article in #2? “that opera overture”, perhaps?
      (we can all probably guess which overture :-). . . or find it via google) It’s just that I’d like to avoid beginning with a def. art. in this daisan, in view of the hokku’s L2 beginning with the def. art.
      .
      -Lorin
      .

      2. Paul, I gasped & laughed, reading this verse of yours:
        .
        the opera overture
        by Rossini ends
        with cymbals
        .
        I love it. It’s funny, and we could do with some humour. It’s audacious in relation to the hush of Kala’s verse …links well, via the blast of sound. But I can’t use it. That finale in the William Tell overture is (superbly) set to the pace of a fast gallop. It could accompany ‘The Charge of the Light Brigade’. There’s the hitch. It takes me back to our hokku, via that galloping pace, To the horse-drawn sleigh (though I’d assume those little horses wouldn’t be in an all-out gallop.) Worse, many of us might’ve first become familiar with Rossini’s famous overture not at a concert hall but in film or tv series of ‘The Lone Ranger!
        .
        The hokku is sacrosanct territory, I’ve been taught. After the wakiku, no verse should take us back to it.
        .
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZIqg0gBcYM
        .
        A more recent incarnation of Tonto has the words for it:
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KLm12aRoWoQ
        .
        🙂

        Ah, well, you’re keeping me on my toes, Paul.
        .
        – Lorin

        1. … but there are other overtures that’d break the hush. Without the galloping. Especially without conjuring up the The Lone Ranger. 🙂
          .
          One by Tchaikovsky, with bells and canons, springs to mind, Paul. You’re welcome to redo this Rossini verse with any loud overture that doesn’t gallop.
          .
          – Lorin

  53. sleigh ride
    the road ahead shimmers
    in moonlight
    …
    …
    softly, how softly
    snowflakes fall
    …
    …
    lips curling
    he holds out his finger
    with the dot of red

    1. There is a miniature daffodil named tete-a-tete .
      amendment-
      *
      chatter
      develops beyond
      the hallway

      1. I wouldn’t be concerned about a breeder’s name for a hybrid daffodil, Carol. 🙂 I have a (many decades old, now) rose bush in my front yard named, by its breeder, ‘Elizabeth of Glamis’. If, by unlikely chance, I were to use ‘Elizabeth of Glamis’ in a renku I wouldn’t expect readers to imagine a rose bush. 🙂
        .
        “tete-a-tete” is a longtime loan word in English, and it’s the primary meaning that matters.
        .
        – Lorin

        1. Thanks, Lorin, I’ll keep the first version, now.
          Hope your rose isn’t suffering too much in the sweltering heat.

          1. Thank goodness we had a cool change and rain late yesterday, Carol. Rainy this morning, too. Everyone seems relieved and happy about that except the cat. 🙂
            .
            – Lorin

  55. Just a question for understanding future hokku/wakiku relations – the reason I didn’t chose any snow for my suggested verses was because I thought logically snow must be avoided, since the road is moonlit in the first verse, therefore we are looking at a clear night without clouds in the forecast, so I thought the closely related next verse wouldn’t suddenly have clouds from which snow would be falling. If the second verse can connect closely to the first while being able to reimagine it, then I understand. I just thought it had to be imagined within the same scene but from a different angle. (Or is snow possible from a clear sky or from a small set of clouds that wouldn’t necessarily obscure the moon? Living in TX has made me rusty in the matters of snow…)

    1. Hi Agnes, it’s a good query you make. I’ll answer as best as I can. One caveat, though: it may or may not help your understanding of future hokku/wakiku relations, the reason being that as far as EL renku goes, you’ll find a variety of beliefs / theories about what is permissible in relations between hokku and wakiku.
      .
      Most will agree that hokku & wakiku are closely linked in some way and that ‘extension of scene’ is one way. Your logic is certainly on the right track: yes, snow is implied in the hokku.
      “. . .we are looking at a clear night without clouds. . .” – Agnes.
      There would be no sleigh ride if there wasn’t snow! Marta did a brilliant job of conveying snow all around without using the word ‘snow’. Had the word ‘snow’ been in the hokku it would’ve been a different hokku, and if we had a hokku that stated ‘snow’, ‘snowflakes’ would be repetitive, in my view, as would ‘snowman’ etc.
      .
      Yes, we begin with the hokku on a clear winter night with a moonlit road shimmering ahead. Quite logically, as you say, snow would not be falling. We’re moving, on the sleigh, down the shimmering road. . . through space and time. Enter Kala’s verse.
      .
      Immediately after “without clouds” though, you enter into an interpretation (which is fine, is what we all need to do: use our imagination) but because you bring in an imagined weather forecast:
      “. . .without clouds in the forecast. . .” and leap from that imagined extension to Kala’s verse, logic is left behind in favour of interpretation. From that point your logic is based on a false premise (the imagined weather forecast) :
      .
      “. . .so I thought the closely related next verse wouldn’t suddenly have clouds from which snow would be falling.”
      .
      On the sleigh ride we’re in transit. Who knows how far we’re traveling down that snowy road? How much time has passed (between Marta’s and Kala’s verses) before it begins to snow? (You’re from Texas, perhaps you’ve ridden horses. How long does it take to ride a horse, at a medium canter, a distance of five miles? Ten miles? )
      .
      Place, within Marta’s hokku, is a moving vehicle (sleigh) set in a landscape of snow. But it isn’t snowing (as you say). Soft snowfall, in Kala’s wakiku, is an event that happens at some indefinite time along the way.
      .
      “If the second verse can connect closely to the first while being able to reimagine it, then I understand.” – Agnes.
      .
      That’s right, it can. 🙂 Though I wouldn’t be expecting as close a link again in this short renku (the wakiku has a special job to do) imagining & re-imagining the verse we’re connecting to is how we ring in the changes.
      .
      ” I just thought it had to be imagined within the same scene but from a different angle. ” – Agnes
      .
      That’s right, too. 🙂 The only thing you’ve not taken into account is that in Marta’s hokku, the ‘scene’ is a moving one, not a still life, frozen in an instant of time. Even in the example of the Boncho/ Basho hokku & wakiku pair that I gave within last week’s thread, the impression is of two people moving through time & space ( though at a human walking pace, not at a canter 🙂 ) through a town:
      .
      in town
      the smell of things
      summer moon – Boncho
      .
      it’s hot it’s hot
      at each portal the sigh – Basho
      .
      ” Note how Basho’s wakiku stays with Boncho’s ‘in town’, confirms ‘place’ and a hot summer night, but adds a different perspective, moving from ‘the smell of things’ to hearing what people are saying from within their small front yards as the two (in their imaginations or from memory) walk by.” (Lorin, last week’s thread)
      .

      I hope this is helpful, Agnes. Bear in mind, though, that this is my view. Others, acting as sabaki in other renku, may have other views. Renku is poetry. Robert Frost and Charles Olsen might disagree about what’s most desirable or best in poetry. 🙂
      .
      – Lorin

      2. I love this reply! Thank you so much for giving me the context I needed to hear. I do love these renku and the more I participate, the more I want to know about the nuances and the thought that goes into the links and choices. I will softly, so softly try to link and shift for the next offering! 🙂

    1. Thanks, Marta…
      When I began repeatedly reading your hokku, this verse just happened.
      Your verse inspired me write this, Marta.
      & I’m so happy Lorin choose it.

      _k

  57. A very beautiful and multi-layered verse, Kala. Congratulations!
    .
    And another brilliant commentary, Lorin. Thank you.
    .
    .
    blowing dust
    from the pages
    of my sketch pad

  58. What a wonderful choice, Lorin! From the first time I read it I felt Kala’s verse linked delightfully with the hokku. Thank you Kala!

    Lorin, I am finding your explanations and instructions so informative. Somehow you are able to explain the intricacies of renku in a way that I can understand. Thank you for taking the time to educate newbies!

    1. Sally, thanks very much for that feedback about my explanations and instructions. It’s what I’ve been aiming for, so that relative beginners can enjoy the process and get a fair go, too. 🙂
      .
      – Lorin

  59. Nice choice, Lorin. The assonance in Kala’s verse is also effective in slowing things down. And, as you point out, the sense of touch is called into play with those landing snowflakes.

    sleigh ride
    the road ahead shimmers
    in moonlight
    .
    – Marta Chocilowska
    .
    softly, how softly
    snowflakes fall
    .
    – Kala Ramesh.
    .
    awakening
    from sweet dreams
    on eiderdown

  62. An absolutely delightful verse, Kala. Congratulations.
    *
    Thank you Lorin for including my verse in the short list, I’m over the moon 🙂

    1. Grazie, Angiola. 🙂
      .
      For Kala: Google will translate:
      .
      Una haiku molto elegante, ottima scelta //A very elegant haiku, excellent choice.
      .

      – Lorin

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