The Renku Sessions: Junicho verse #8
I’m Sandra Simpson, and I will serve as your guide as we compose a 12-verse junicho (june-ee-cho, as in choke).
Love verses are perhaps the trickiest to get right in a renku and according to John Carley, Basho didn’t much care for writing them but I think you all did pretty well – there were certainly some good verses submitted, everything from the sweetly romantic to the phwoar!
Please do read through the information on the requirements for the next verse as I change it for each posting. I mentioned for the last verse that I wanted an indoors setting yet many submitters set their verses outside. At its heart renku is a form that values variety and change as its creation moves forward, something that is important to remember. A sequence of verses that mimic each other in tone, construction, rhythm and setting don’t make for a good renku.
If you’re having trouble steering clear of topics that have gone before, I suggest you print the poem so far, putting it at your elbow as you write. We have all made the mistake of re-using something that has gone before, so don’t beat yourself up, just try again. If we were all sitting in the same room, these “errors” would be laughed off and we’d all have another cup of sake!
Chosen for verse #7 is:
on re-entry
the cosmonaut inhales
the scent of her body
– Patrick Sweeney
The link is, broadly, “things that go up in an arc and come down from the heavens” – rainbow and cosmonaut’s space craft; a “scent link” or vibe of (sexual) fireworks and rainbow; and maybe even men in funny costumes (leprechauns/cosmonauts)!
I have added “on” at the start of the verse to eliminate the pause/cut that occurred at the end of line 1 with “re-entry” as a single line.
This is a brilliant verse with its “naughty” double entendre, very ha, but at the same time purely a love verse. Whether our cosmonaut is with his lover or has purchased a woman the moment he steps back on Earth, is left to our imagination. I also like the fact that Patrick has chosen to make our male a Russian (or, at least, part of the Russian space team). “cosmonaut” adds an intriguing note to our poem.
And thank you, Patrick too, for making this a sensual verse, our first using the sense of smell. We’ve had touch and sound earlier so were ready for another sense to be used. Will someone be able to bring taste to the table before we finish?
I don’t perceive any issue with “flight”, as the previous two verses that use “something that flies” (ducks/paper planes) the objects weren’t actually flying and nor was there any indication that they would be. This is the sort of thing that could be discussed ad infinitum, and often is, but my mentor John Carley always recommended avoiding forensic parsing in favour of the poetry!
Other verses in the running were:
her smoldering glance
as Bacall teaches Bogart
how to whistle
– Paul MacNeil
breathless
he bends and dips her deep
to the floor
– Liz Ann Winkler
from the palette of oils
his brush
touching her body
– Judt Shrode
I send flowers hoping
that her daddy
will not see them
– joel
slow dancing
closer than the law
allowed
– Michael Henry Lee
What comes next – verse #8 is:
- A 2-line verse that is not cut.
- A winter love verse – this is our only winter verse. Summer and winter are seen as “minor” seasons in renku and so in a junicho receive less weight than spring and autumn, the “major” seasons, which have two verses each. Summer has two verses in our junicho only because it was the season of the hokku and therefore also the wakiku.
- A verse that links to verse 7 but shifts away from verse 6 – in tone, setting, construction, etc. I would strongly suggest that this is an indoor verse as we’ve spent a lot of time outside and verse 7 is indeterminate, although most likely to be inside (but I guess you never know with cosmonauts!).
- A verse that has energy – we are almost at the end of the ha or “party” phase of jo-ha-kyu, only one more to go before we change the mood. Don’t just make your words sparkle, but go for a striking idea too.
- A verse that opens outwards (is open-ended) leaving room for the writer who will follow.
How we play:
Please enter your candidate verses in the Comments section below. All verse positions in this junicho will be degachi, that is competitive, and the final poem will comprise stanzas written by 12 different poets.
Please submit only 3 candidate verses for each position. I will allow a week between each verse selection so you have plenty of time to consider your submissions before making them.
For information about junicho and renku, please refer to the Introduction post. And, remember, have fun with your writing.
An inspiring quote:
What is so great about the many [renku] rules is that as a writer progresses, there is always something new to learn, another technique to try out or idea to experience. It is beginning to seem that 20 years is no time at all and one needs a long life to try out everything – Jane Reichhold
Our poem so far:
cooling off –
our feet in the river
with the ducks
– Lorin Ford
the distant melody
of an ice-cream truck
– Maria Tomczak
paper planes
by the window
ready for his bag
– Sanjuktaa Asopa
welcome to Gaza
from Banksy and friends
– Betty Shropshire
somewhere a missing key
among sprouts
of green grass
– Maureen Virchau
and a pot of daffodils
at the end of the rainbow
– Marion Clarke
on re-entry
the cosmonaut inhales
the scent of her body
– Patrick Sweeney
on re-entry
the cosmonaut inhales
the scent of her body
– Patrick Sweeney
**
green tea leaves
brewing in an earthen mug
.
.
and a pot of daffodils
at the end of the rainbow
.
– Marion Clarke
.
.
on re-entry
the cosmonaut inhales
the scent of her body
.
– Patrick Sweeney
.
.
adjusting the cold color
another aperature dilates
.
Alan Summers
.
.
December’s cover robot
starts cooking
.
Alan Summers
.
.
through a hairline crack
the bedroom’s Yule incense
.
Alan Summers
.
.
fired up
i said melt me
Verse 8:
in the mail today
more fuel for the firebox
firelight and mulled wine
begin to work
indoors he kisses
a snowflake from her nose
gently he kindles
the fire and me
******************
his holiday stubble
tickles my winter dream
*******************
the crackling of fire
between heavy breaths
on re-entry
the cosmonaut inhales
the scent of her body
red lipstick on his collar
covered by snowflakes
*
piping hot porridge
is all that it takes
*
satiation, completeness
after hot Irish stew
musky sheets she’s still
awake with Frost
ice on the skylight is
no match for their passion
***
their slow warm passion matches
the glow of the charcoal
***
each anniversary remembered
with a wonky star quilt square
***
(wonky star is an actual quilt pattern used by many quilters; for an example go here:
http://www.craftsy.com/pattern/quilting/other/perfect-9-patch-wonky-stars/85043?SSAID=876006 )
my gothic snow bride
in Second Life
Or a slightly less fantastical:
my snow queen bride
oops, sorry, forgot the article:
.
his pride tied to the bedposts
with her thermal undies
and a pot of daffodils
at the end of the rainbow
– Marion Clarke
*
on re-entry
the cosmonaut inhales
the scent of her body
– Patrick Sweeney
*
his pride tied to bedposts
with her thermal undies
finding my name among stars
on the frosted window
**
snowy wind blow
makes our hug stronger
and a pot of daffodils
at the end of the rainbow
– Marion Clarke
***
on re-entry
the cosmonaut inhales
the scent of her body
– Patrick Sweeney
***
I’m late to this, but just want to say: a superb verse, & really lovely, excellent linking! Even ‘the vertical axis’ in play!
***
Is everyone familiar with Yoshino Yoshiko’s:
***
a man enters
the room, disturbing the scent
of daffodils
***
(from ‘Far Beyond the Field’. page 148)
***
– Lorin
Thanks Lorin. I didn’t know that haiku but it certainly adds to my enjoyment of Patrick’s verse.
Verse 8:
*
somewhere under the eider down
her lost earring
they skip the group ski
to neck in the planetarium
At their daughter’s Snowball Dance
they share a pot of Kusmi tea.
her devoted shepherd
slurps eggnog off my mitten
power outage
we snuggle under blankets
a cold handshake
with each speed dater
testing testing testing testing testing testing
Yes, Christopher, I hear you …
cold handshakes, plural, could also work (hello and goodbye) to avoid the ‘a’
power outage
snuggling to keep warm
we sizzle
and a pot of daffodils
at the end of the rainbow
– Marion Clarke
.
on re-entry
the cosmonaut inhales
the scent of her body
– Patrick Sweeney
.
***
snowed in with you,
one thing leads to another
.
the figure skater’s fling
with her married coach
.
your après-ski photo
with someone i don’t know
an old maid with the flu
dreams such feverish dreams
🙂 K
having morning coffee
in bed we see our breath
sipping vodka between his kisses
she warms up faster
in bed with the flu
an old maid’s feverish dreams
***
a prostitute wriggles
back into her long johns
🙂 Karen
Hi Karen,
I like your old maid, but could you submit a rewrite please, one that doesn’t start with “in”, which would directly follow “on”
Many thanks,
Sandra
under the snowfall each hut
becomes a white house
in the winter twiligt
few embers still sparkling
on the snowman’s shoulders
the scarf of a woman
Vasile Moldovan
laughing in the snowbank
we brush each other off
the arc of her breast
as I raise the covers
she shivers
and we pause to rest
in the cow barn this raw dawn
he lifts warm milk to my lips
Verse 8:
*
by the fire
the sizzle of wet dog
by the fire this first drop
of our old brandy game
chocolates the shy lover left
thaw on her dressing table
***************
their electric blanket
slips unnoticed to the floor
***************
firewood thawing firewood
in the bedroom fireplace
clothes tossed to the floor
The dog drags them away
**
open windows open doors
who cares?
**
she takes out her hair ties
one by one
Hi Judith,
*
Great to have you on board … please note the instruction that this is a winter love verse so feel free to resubmit so you have your 3 candidates like everyone else.
*
Best wishes,
Sandra
knitting wooly hats
his and hers
**
one-dog winter night
furry friend between them
**
wood stove chairs
abandoned
snow angels forming
on the bedroom floor
*****
with each layer of clothing
the heart rate increases
*****
a heart drawn in steam
on the bedroom window