The Renku Sessions: Junicho – daisan
I’m Sandra Simpson, and I will serve as your guide as we compose a 12-verse junicho (june-ee-cho, as in choke).
Thank you to all the poets who contributed offerings for our wakiku, or second verse. There were a number of verses that could have completed our loose tanka, among them:
a fragrant breeze
rippling through the reeds
– Maureen Virchau
fresh water
for flowers at sunrise
– Ellen Grace Olinger
for one moment only
a perfect rainbow
– Barbara A Taylor
I carry back home
the nibbling of fish
– Kala Ramesh
The wakiku verse I have chosen is:
the distant melody
of an ice-cream truck
– Maria Tomczak
Which I have edited slightly from Maria’s offering of
a distant melody / of the ice-cream truck
This verse reinforces our summer season but adds just a subtext tang of melancholy to the heat – it can’t last and is already receding. I also like the sound sense of the verse which reinforces the touch and sound sense of the hokku.
What comes next:
The next verse is the daisan, our first shift in our link & shift sequence – we’re pushing off into new territory:
- A 3-line verse that is not cut
- A no-season verse
- A verse that shifts away from the previous 2 in both tone and setting (I would suggest moving indoors)
- A verse that opens outwards (is open-ended) leaving room for the writer who will follow
- A verse that is mild/pleasant in tone (the last in the jo phase).
How we play:
Please enter your candidate verses in the Comments section below. All verse positions in this junicho will be degachi, that is competitive, and the final poem will comprise stanzas written by 12 different poets.
As our poem is so short we can approach it in a more leisurely fashion, so please submit only 3 candidate verses for each position, rather than offering several versions of the same verse, plus others.
I will allow a week between each verse selection so you will have plenty of time to consider your submissions before making them.
For information about junicho and renku, please refer to the Introduction post.
And, remember, have fun with your writing
Our poem so far:
cooling off –
our feet in the river
with the ducks
– Lorin Ford
the distant melody
of an ice-cream truck
– Maria Tomczak
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***
a different color
highlighter
on every page
cooling off –
our feet in the river
with the ducks
.
the distant melody
of an ice-cream truck
.
a giggle escapes
our bedroom window
this daydream afternoon
.
Late (but hopefully not too late) to this week’s party…
.
cooling off –
our feet in the river
with the ducks
– Lorin Ford
.
the distant melody
of an ice-cream truck
– Maria Tomczak
.
***
cupcakes
for her youngest’s
birthday party
.
another item
for his collection
of rare coins
.
undecided
about which hat to wear
to the theatre
my offerings:
——–
——–
night train
leaving the afterglow
behind
——–
——–
afternoon sun
she entwines it
in her collage
Hi Gabriel,
I’m going to suggest you edit or rewrite your second verse as despite there being no cutting punctuation used, there is still a pause/break after the first line that divides the verse into two.
All the best,
Sandra
Sandra, thanks for the suggestion I will edit this haiku:
she entwines
the afternoon sun
in her collage
Hi Sandra,thank you and a third one from me:
the distant melody
of an ice-cream truck
– Maria Tomczak
****
paper planes
by the window
ready for take-off
Gallicism
above her potato salad
seasoned with cigarette ash
-Patrick
très cool!!
Dear Sandra
You are doing a fabulous job holding the renku fort and guiding us all through this exercise. Thoroughly enjoying this learning. Although a little intimidated, here are my feeble attempts for the daisan:
cooling off –
our feet in the river
with the ducks
– Lorin Ford
***
the distant melody
of an ice-cream truck
– Maria Tomczak
***
***
being month end
I take a stock of my
kitchen pantry
*
closing
the last carton
before the move
*
arriving on time
we start
the music lessons
*
– Jayashree Maniyil
Nice work, Jaya 🙂
– Lorin
Thank you Lorin!!
piano version
of an old hymn
and I know the words
the young bride
saving her coins
for matching bedsheets
*
tugging on a wishbone
both twin brothers
close their eyes
*
the third grade class
recites in unison
“The Owl and the Pussycat”
Hi Marilyn,
Thanks for the offerings. I would note however, that because of “The Owl and the Pussycat” I’d consider verse 3 to be a love verse, which happens later in our poem.
Would you like to change the poem/song name?
thanks Sandra… Here’s the change
the third grade class
recites in unison
“The Quangle Wangle’s Hat”
home-ownership
out of the question
for young dreamers
*
no holding back
her airs and graces
on the red carpet
*
on tippy toes
I offer all my
pocket money
Hello Bat,
Good to see you here. We can’t use another “foot” verse – and certainly not here as we’re “pushing away” from the hokku – so your verse 3 is disqualified. Want to try again?
Hi Sandra,
–
I am loving this renku so much! Lovely verses by everybody! Is it too late for me to join in? If it’s okay, here are my two offerings:
–
the distant melody
of an ice-cream truck
– Maria Tomczak
***
I miss
the eye of the needle
three times
***
everywhere
in the dusty loft
pollens of sun
Never too late to join! Welcome.
a postcard
saving my place
in a paperback novel
the baby in the
walker giggles and claps
with innocent delight
*****************
woodpecker at the suet
cake tapping a rhythmic
drumming song of joy
********************
the letter arrives
from the future
smelling like her perfume
sixteen candles
and already
that look
mister peach fuzz
and his 5 o’clock shadow
study the mirror
turning the pages
of her great-grandmother’s
recipe book
I give up
and set down
the crossword
we ask Grandma
to tell us the story
of one more button
the distant melody
of an ice-cream truck
**
Grandma lets us
stay up late to watch
a werewolf film
cooling off –
our feet in the river
with the ducks
.
the distant melody
of an ice-cream truck
.
bundling
old newspaper
to give to the raddiwala
.
Kala Ramesh
.
on this quiet day
even things needed
I learn to discard
.
Kala Ramesh
.
Edited:
bundling
old newspapers
to give to the raddiwala
.
jar of dill pickles
props up a new photo
for the man cave
Congrats, Maria! A wonderful verse.
*
shaking coins
from his piggy bank
at the kitchen table
Sandra;
I know you said not to post different versions of the same verse, but I think the previous similar verse was really 2 lines forced into 3, so here is it as it should be
**
the rattling of china
and the murmur of voices
as the table is cleared
the rattling of china
and silverware
as the table is cleared
barefoot on tatami
the isostatic tilt
of Mu!
-Patrick
Hello Patrick,
Good to see you here. We can’t use another “foot” verse so I’m afraid your verse is disqualified. Want to try again?
the distant melody
of an ice-cream truck
– Maria Tomczak
*
blessed by the art
of many people
as I rest in this room
after three hours
they choose peacock blue
for the tablecloths
cradling mugs
of mushroom broth
we quiz each other
Hi Peg,
–
Sorry but “mushroom” is a definite signifier for autumn and this is a no-season verse. Please feel free to submit another. There’s a lot to hold in our heads when we do renku!
–
All the best,
Sandra
Ah. So, so much to learn — thank you for teaching me that connection.
a model Ford
parked inside
this morning’s paper
.
.
the distant melody
of an ice-cream truck
– Maria Tomczak
.
.
dusk moves
all the small angles
of a hotel room
.
Alan Summers
.
.
the cat locked
into itself
and a cushion
.
Alan Summers
.
.
the snail adjusts
its shell indoors
before its ascent
.
Alan Summers
.
.
barefoot children
playing a board game with dice
on the linoleum floor
Hello Todd,
Your use of the word “barefoot” disqualifies this verse as we have bare feet in the hokku and can’t link back to; we must shift away from it – in setting, tone and imagery.
**
The rest of the verse is fine, just that one word. Want to try again or edit this verse?
the distant melody
of an ice-cream truck
– Maria Tomczak
**
In the empty room
both listening to together
the voice of silence
**
mother’s smile:
the girl sings a lullaby
for the youngest doll
**
no word
on the blank paper sheet yet
an ant tries to read
**
-Vasile Moldovan
Hi Vasile,
–
Nice to see you here. Unfortunately, I’ll have to disregard your middle verse as it stands as we may not have any more cut verses within our renku so that colon disqualifies it. Feel free to post another or rewrite and reoffer that one.
–
All the best,
Sandra
Mrs Sandra, thank you. I rewrote the second haiku. Here is it:
embraced by mummy
the girl sings a lulaby
for her youngest doll
cooling off –
our feet in the river
with the ducks
– Lorin Ford
.
the distant melody
of an ice-cream truck
– Maria Tomczak
.
reliving
the years once again
an old Bollywood film
–Kala Ramesh
daisan:
***
a lavender sachet
lies unopened on the edge
of the bathtub
***
LIz Ann Winkler
Hi Liz Ann,
–
Could I ask you to post another candidate please (or even 2 more)? We can’t have “water” again as it was used in the hokku and while the bath may be empty, water may also be inferred. In a short renku, like our junicho, there is definitely *no* repetition of topics allowed.
–
All the best,
Sandra
Thank you, Sandra – so much to learn! It is very exciting. I appreciate your feedback. Here are two more efforts:
***
this month’s magazine
tossed atop the pile
for later
***
her dancing shoes
tucked in their cloth bag
on the backseat
***
daisan:
—
the last organ note
of the doxology
fades in the cathedral
—
Paul MacNeil