skip to Main Content

The Renku Sessions: Junicho – daisan

renku_300

I’m Sandra Simpson, and I will serve as your guide as we compose a 12-verse junicho (june-ee-cho, as in choke).

Thank you to all the poets who contributed offerings for our wakiku, or second verse. There were a number of verses that could have completed our loose tanka, among them:

a fragrant breeze
rippling through the reeds

– Maureen Virchau

fresh water
for flowers at sunrise

– Ellen Grace Olinger

for one moment only
a perfect rainbow

– Barbara A Taylor

I carry back home
the nibbling of fish

– Kala Ramesh

The wakiku verse I have chosen is:

the distant melody
of an ice-cream truck

– Maria Tomczak

Which I have edited slightly from Maria’s offering of

a distant melody / of the ice-cream truck

This verse reinforces our summer season but adds just a subtext tang of melancholy to the heat – it can’t last and is already receding. I also like the sound sense of the verse which reinforces the touch and sound sense of the hokku.

 What comes next:

The next verse is the daisan, our first shift in our link & shift sequence – we’re pushing off into new territory:

  • A 3-line verse that is not cut
  • A no-season verse
  • A verse that shifts away from the previous 2 in both tone and setting (I would suggest moving indoors)
  • A verse that opens outwards (is open-ended) leaving room for the writer who will follow
  • A verse that is mild/pleasant in tone (the last in the jo phase).
How we play:

Please enter your candidate verses in the Comments section below. All verse positions in this junicho will be degachi, that is competitive, and the final poem will comprise stanzas written by 12 different poets.

As our poem is so short we can approach it in a more leisurely fashion, so please submit only 3 candidate verses for each position, rather than offering several versions of the same verse, plus others.

I will allow a week between each verse selection so you will have plenty of time to consider your submissions before making them.

For information about junicho and renku, please refer to the Introduction post.

And, remember, have fun with your writing

Our poem so far:

cooling off –
our feet in the river
with the ducks

– Lorin Ford

the distant melody
of an ice-cream truck

– Maria Tomczak

This Post Has 53 Comments

  1. cooling off –
    our feet in the river
    with the ducks
    .
    the distant melody
    of an ice-cream truck
    .
    a giggle escapes
    our bedroom window
    this daydream afternoon
    .

  2. Late (but hopefully not too late) to this week’s party…
    .
    cooling off –
    our feet in the river
    with the ducks
    – Lorin Ford
    .
    the distant melody
    of an ice-cream truck
    – Maria Tomczak
    .
    ***
    cupcakes
    for her youngest’s
    birthday party
    .
    another item
    for his collection
    of rare coins
    .
    undecided
    about which hat to wear
    to the theatre

  3. my offerings:
    ——–
    ——–
    night train
    leaving the afterglow
    behind
    ——–
    ——–
    afternoon sun
    she entwines it
    in her collage

    1. Hi Gabriel,

      I’m going to suggest you edit or rewrite your second verse as despite there being no cutting punctuation used, there is still a pause/break after the first line that divides the verse into two.

      All the best,
      Sandra

  4. Hi Sandra,thank you and a third one from me:

    the distant melody
    of an ice-cream truck

    – Maria Tomczak
    ****
    paper planes
    by the window
    ready for take-off

  5. Dear Sandra
    You are doing a fabulous job holding the renku fort and guiding us all through this exercise. Thoroughly enjoying this learning. Although a little intimidated, here are my feeble attempts for the daisan:

    cooling off –
    our feet in the river
    with the ducks

    – Lorin Ford
    ***

    the distant melody
    of an ice-cream truck

    – Maria Tomczak
    ***
    ***

    being month end
    I take a stock of my
    kitchen pantry
    *

    closing
    the last carton
    before the move
    *

    arriving on time
    we start
    the music lessons
    *
    – Jayashree Maniyil

  6. the young bride
    saving her coins
    for matching bedsheets
    *
    tugging on a wishbone
    both twin brothers
    close their eyes
    *
    the third grade class
    recites in unison
    “The Owl and the Pussycat”

    1. Hi Marilyn,

      Thanks for the offerings. I would note however, that because of “The Owl and the Pussycat” I’d consider verse 3 to be a love verse, which happens later in our poem.

      Would you like to change the poem/song name?

    2. thanks Sandra… Here’s the change

      the third grade class
      recites in unison
      “The Quangle Wangle’s Hat”

    1. Hello Bat,

      Good to see you here. We can’t use another “foot” verse – and certainly not here as we’re “pushing away” from the hokku – so your verse 3 is disqualified. Want to try again?

  7. Hi Sandra,

    I am loving this renku so much! Lovely verses by everybody! Is it too late for me to join in? If it’s okay, here are my two offerings:

    the distant melody
    of an ice-cream truck

    – Maria Tomczak

    ***
    I miss
    the eye of the needle
    three times
    ***
    everywhere
    in the dusty loft
    pollens of sun

  8. the baby in the
    walker giggles and claps
    with innocent delight
    *****************
    woodpecker at the suet
    cake tapping a rhythmic
    drumming song of joy
    ********************
    the letter arrives
    from the future
    smelling like her perfume

  9. cooling off –
    our feet in the river
    with the ducks

    .

    the distant melody
    of an ice-cream truck

    .

    bundling
    old newspaper
    to give to the raddiwala
    .
    Kala Ramesh

    .

    on this quiet day
    even things needed
    I learn to discard

    .
    Kala Ramesh

    .

  10. Sandra;
    I know you said not to post different versions of the same verse, but I think the previous similar verse was really 2 lines forced into 3, so here is it as it should be

    **

    the rattling of china
    and the murmur of voices
    as the table is cleared

    1. Hello Patrick,

      Good to see you here. We can’t use another “foot” verse so I’m afraid your verse is disqualified. Want to try again?

    1. Hi Peg,

      Sorry but “mushroom” is a definite signifier for autumn and this is a no-season verse. Please feel free to submit another. There’s a lot to hold in our heads when we do renku!

      All the best,
      Sandra

  11. .
    .
    the distant melody
    of an ice-cream truck

    – Maria Tomczak

    .
    .

    dusk moves
    all the small angles
    of a hotel room

    .

    Alan Summers

    .
    .

    the cat locked
    into itself
    and a cushion

    .
    Alan Summers
    .
    .

    the snail adjusts
    its shell indoors
    before its ascent

    .
    Alan Summers
    .
    .

    1. Hello Todd,

      Your use of the word “barefoot” disqualifies this verse as we have bare feet in the hokku and can’t link back to; we must shift away from it – in setting, tone and imagery.
      **
      The rest of the verse is fine, just that one word. Want to try again or edit this verse?

  12. the distant melody
    of an ice-cream truck
    – Maria Tomczak
    **

    In the empty room
    both listening to together
    the voice of silence
    **
    mother’s smile:
    the girl sings a lullaby
    for the youngest doll
    **
    no word
    on the blank paper sheet yet
    an ant tries to read
    **
    -Vasile Moldovan

    1. Hi Vasile,

      Nice to see you here. Unfortunately, I’ll have to disregard your middle verse as it stands as we may not have any more cut verses within our renku so that colon disqualifies it. Feel free to post another or rewrite and reoffer that one.

      All the best,
      Sandra

    2. Mrs Sandra, thank you. I rewrote the second haiku. Here is it:

      embraced by mummy
      the girl sings a lulaby
      for her youngest doll

  13. cooling off –
    our feet in the river
    with the ducks

    – Lorin Ford

    .
    the distant melody
    of an ice-cream truck

    – Maria Tomczak

    .
    reliving
    the years once again
    an old Bollywood film

    –Kala Ramesh

    1. Hi Liz Ann,

      Could I ask you to post another candidate please (or even 2 more)? We can’t have “water” again as it was used in the hokku and while the bath may be empty, water may also be inferred. In a short renku, like our junicho, there is definitely *no* repetition of topics allowed.

      All the best,
      Sandra

      1. Thank you, Sandra – so much to learn! It is very exciting. I appreciate your feedback. Here are two more efforts:
        ***

        this month’s magazine
        tossed atop the pile
        for later
        ***

        her dancing shoes
        tucked in their cloth bag
        on the backseat
        ***

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Back To Top