The Renku Sessions: A Day of Snow 8
Greetings and welcome to The Haiku Foundation’s Fourth Renku Session: A Day of Snow. I am Marshall Hryciuk of Toronto Canada and i will be the leader of a 36-link Kasen renku. I’ve led over 40 of these linked-poem gatherings and my latest book, from Carleton Place, Canada is a selection of 15 of them, called petals in the dark.
Alright, renku fans. Our verse 8 is:
balls of moss
exit the quaking forest
–Carmen Sterba
I liked it immediately for its having tangible, natural beings behaving unnaturally as a link to our supernatural scene.
I think of moss as spongy as if from another world; something to be walked upon and thus “downtrodden.” So it’s inspired of Carmen to have them concentrate into hard and discreet balls. I see them rising up and leaving.
“Forest” is a traditional mythological symbol for the unknown darkness but here this vertical icon is given a vividly unsettling and horizontal twist: it’s “quaking.” “Exit” is such a droll verb, but appropriately out of context for our scene, letting the balls leave without fanfare and beautifully setting up our next link. Well done, Carmen, and thank you.
For our next verse we need to return to the realm of nature with 3 lines of spring. Again, no blossoms or moons, don’t repeat any of the nouns or actions preceding. For instance you could have seasonal birds but no birdsong.
Happy linking,
Marshall
A Day of Snow to Date
a day of snow
no one else
has come to the door–Marshall Hrycuik
coyote song closer
this longest night–Judt Shrode
incense lit
the scent of sage
lingers in a crowd
–Maureen Virchau
bales of the second haying
stacked to the rafters–Paul MacNeil
dust from travelers
makes its slow descent
in the moonlight–steve smolak
faded jeans, school colors
and granny’s specs to match–Betty Shropshire
facing me
a hairy bunyip points
the bones
–Barbara A. Taylor
balls of moss
exit the quaking forest
–Carmen Sterba
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popping colours
flying over park benches
crystal balls
portholes
to the way we were
young sparrows
learn their wings and voice
something amiss
I accidentally added a haiku as a reply earlier. oops
blooming
rows of forget-me-nots
along the path
I accidentally added a haiku as a reply earlier. oops
This is what it said, but in three lines: enchantment gone / a forced march / to the boondocks
I accidentally added this in the wrong place.
enchantment gone
a forced march
to the boondocks
feather quilts aired
and ready for return
to the camphor chest
the scent of beeswax
drifting out when a window
opens to the street
Oh, Marshall, I withdraw this one! We have ‘scent’ already!
the scent of beeswax
drifting out when a doorway
opens to the street
‘Scent’ already used! Sorry!
And ‘doorway’ gone, too!
enchantment gone
a forced march
to the boondocks
a bee settles
on a flowered teacloth
hung in the sunshine
a rivulet
of yellow pollen
colours the street
at sunrise
a dragonfly emerges
from the old pond
an early mist
decorates each branch
with pink droplets
sometimes happens at dusk as well, Marion -just have huge resistance to the word, “decorates” here though -and “branch” after “forest” too close, too -still a lovely image
married long ago
they still attend
Easter services
true, Easter’s in spring but no appeal to the emotions or senses here, paul – but glad you’re sending in without worry though -keeps the juices flowing
Thank you.
Thank you again.
shiny trails
from all directions meet
in the new garden
glistening trails
from all directions meet
in the new garden
I think we just compose differently, paul -I would have “meet” in the third line and also think there’s a bit more surprise in the third line if it’s “meet in a new garden”. Much prefer “glistening” to “shiny” here -thanks
dressing the children
in mismatched
rain boots
like this one, Michael Henry, even better than your “gentle showers” one -a happily accepted mistake under trying but accepted circumstances such as the imminence of rainfall -which would be a link to the “quaking forest” -which is kind of tenuous -like it as a haiku though, thanks
silence
of a robin egg
in the grass
yeah, this is plausible, Judt, but reminds me, in ite solitude, too much of the hokku
new feathers ruffle
before the next gulp
of its worm
certainly “within” spring instead of indicating it from the outside, Betty -“gulp/ of its worm” too brutal even for me, here, in this renku now
our vegetable garden
freshly planted
with heirloom seeds
sense of accomplishment here, Maureen parallels that of verse 4 with its “bales of hay” -don’t want to do that if we can avoid it
the draggled warmth
of a nestling brought home
by a child
hi Marietta -this still too closely parallels the dire circumstances of the “balls of moss” escape
willow limbs
caress the pond
caress the sky
just over the line as an anthropomorphism, Albert -and don’t want a particular kind of tree right after “forest”
so much exercise –
an old woman’s brain 🙂
like the emoticon, Carol -a smiling brain, nonetheless
crane’s eggs
from an abandoned nest
held close to my breast
this reads better it without the rhyme, Carol -but i would prefer that the activity didn’t so closely parallel the previous verse’s escape under dire circumstances
crane’s eggs
from an abandoned nest
held in warm hands
white specks
hug tight in the grass
new born lambs
Thanks for the welcome! Oops, can I delete or alter this? Did not see my post so posted twice. Sorry.
glistening trails
from all directions assemble
at the new leaves
“assemble” doesn’t appeal to any of our senses, paul -though it is novel to have it as an intransitive verb it still puts the onus on a mind that ‘conceives’ of the trails as ‘assembled’ -also, i’m trying to get away from “leaves” since the last verse finished with “forest” thanks for trying to work again with the first two lines, though
OK.
facing me
a hairy bunyip points
the bones
.
–Barbara A. Taylor
.
balls of moss
exit the quaking forest
.
–Carmen Sterba
.
white specks
hug tight to the grass
new born lambs
– Laure Yates
welcome, Laure -too soon after the coyote to have another mammal included, though
facing me
a hairy bunyip points
the bones
.
–Barbara A. Taylor
.
balls of moss
exit the quaking forest
.
–Carmen Sterba
.
sneeze after sneeze
signal the start
of allergy season
.
Karen Cesar
want the seasonality itself, Karen, not its being signalled
…or maybe they don’t?
***
a flock of chicks
vigorously twerks
at the prom
***
or the more neutral;
***
a group of girls
vigorously twerks
at the prom
well, Agnes, proms are in the spring but i think these suggestions belong to the ‘unrequited love’ section that is still to come -no chaperones in the renku -they’re kinda like kireji to the flow
chaperones
break up the twerking
at prom
balls of moss
exit the quaking forest
–Carmen Sterba
—
a poddy lamb
in the asparagus patch
soft horns poking through
—
– Lorin
Nice one , Lorin.
still no mammals again, Lorin -and i’m not a fan of a link ending with a preposition
balls of moss
exit the quaking forest
–Carmen Sterba
—
in swift pursuit
of the fading rainbow
lorikeets
—
– Lorin
yes, Lorin, lorikeets are on a par in variegated beauty with rainbows but “in swift pursuit” would shift too hard from the “balls of moss” and then introduce another subject via a kireji
Kireji? Nope, no kireji, not even a kire here… I was sneaking some Australian birds in & was prepared for this ku to be declared an illegal import into Canada. 🙂
—
Rainbow Lorikeets:
http://www.birdsinbackyards.net/species/Trichoglossus-haematodus
—
– Lorin
balls of moss
exit the quaking forest
–Carmen Sterba
—
spots of sunlit
under greening willows
the ducklings
—
– Lorin
ahem… spello!
—
spots of sunlight
under greening willows
the ducklings
—
– Lorin
fine haiku, Lorin -problems for the renku are that “the ducklings” come in after a hard stop -though that could be solved by moving the ‘ducklings’ up to the first line and secondly that the “greening willows” might be too close to the “balls of moss” in colour and to the “quaking forest” in subject matter -but, thanks
in tender grass
lambren spring
among grazing ewes
–
–
– Writing this has made me homesick for my man Geoffrey:
– “…Whan Zephirus eek with his sweete breeth
– Inspired hath in every holt and heeth
– The tendre croppes…..
– And smale foweles maken melodye,
– That slepen al the nyght with open eye…”
–
–
– This may show up all garbled…
–
– P.S….is precipitation OK now? Thanks.
And lamb=animal=coyote=no good?
I thought it was “my cat, Geoffrey” in Sharp’s poem, Judt
Smart and Jeoffry are beyond my Ken. 🙂
Auto-incorrect changed that to a cap.
D’you not ken Jeoffrey, lass?
—
“For he is an instrument for the children to learn benevolence upon.
For every house is incomplete without him, and a blessing is lacking in the spirit.
For the Lord commanded Moses concerning the cats at the departure of the Children of Israel from Egypt.
For every family had one cat at least in the bag.”
🙂
… a kind of Magnificat.
—
– Lorin
bleats of lambren
answered by their dams
as dusk begins
yes, Judt, no mammals, precipitation okay if it’s not wintry
Winter wheat is but a fine grass and when harvested it is bales of straw. Hay is derived from other grasses and harvested green to be used as feed and the straw as bedding for the stalls.
Just a thought.
A
willow limbs
caress the pond
caress the sky
my purple pen
attracts you little bee
try the hyacinths
hi again, Albert -well this is spring, but we’re saving blossoms and flowers for the 17th verse -talking to bees is rather novel, though
winter wheat
after April rains
the killdeer
nicely poetic cadence, Albert -but we had the harvest of the second haying in verse 4 and can’t repeat that this renku
sea cabbage
with its first shoots
by the winding house
“sea cabbage” as a kind of algae, Claire, is too close to the “moss” in verse it’s to link with
time after time
a cuckoo
on the war memorial
hi again Claire -don’t know about you, but “war memorial” just yells, ‘autumn’ to me; not spring
balls of moss
exit the quaking forest
–Carmen Sterba
—
dandelion seeds
each with its parachute
set free to the breeze
—
– Lorin
hey Lorin, quite the rhyme with “breeze” to “seeds” and an additional long’ee’ sound as well in each line -and a parachute to boot!
That’s a negative, I take it, Marshall? I did it for variety & I personally like the cadence & the rhyme because it helps change the mood after the previous two verses. Not your cup of tea, then? ‘Parachute’ here is not fanciful, btw, that’s what the thing is commonly referred to as, by anyone apart from Latin scholars, who’re somewhat sparse on the ground these days. 🙂
—
– Lorin
glistening trails
from all directions point to
the new leaves
need something other than “point to”, paul, so close to “point/ the bones” -such as ‘lead to’ or even, ‘leading away from’ -“glistening trails/ from all directions” are certainly two good lines to work with
puppy sleeps
in the garden
under the warming sun
and so with puppies as well, Aalix
bear cub
peeks our of the den
on a sunny day
certainly a cute scene, Aalix, but I think a bear cub just the wrong-side-of-the -line close to a coyote
in the shadows
of ancient cedars
fiddleheads unfold
hi again Liz Ann -don’t want to have “ancient cedars” right after “quaking forest”
mud covered hikers
slapping high-fives
atop the Grouse Grind
*
end of the trail
mud covered hikers
slap high-fives
prefer the first one, Liz Ann -doesn’t have the ‘end-stop’ after the first line but flows right into the second -very happy scene of human accomplishment here so i have to consider if it’s too soon after the “stacked to the rafters” of verse 4 to have another one -but thanks -and nice move out of Australian references to British Columbia
in the garden shop
seed packets
arrayed alphabetically
this is good for its links, Marilyn: from forest not just to garden but “the garden shop” and from “balls of moss” to “seed packets” . I like that you wrote “arrayed” rather than ‘arranged’ as well -gives us more the visual pleasure of looking at the packet covers -and the alliterative ‘a’s in the third line make me feel i’m reading them from the start, left to right -thanks, i’ll be keeping this one in my head
I like it, too, for the contrast with the seemingly ‘supernatural’ forest. Nature here is (at most) potential, completely hidden, sealed away in a man-made environment … all we have is seed packets ‘arrayed’ by name by a shopkeeper quite possibly suffering from OCD.
So it’s a striking verse.
But
“we need to return to the realm of nature with 3 lines of spring. ” – Marshall
*How could this verse could qualify as a spring verse?* Seed packets are displayed all year round (though not usually ‘arrayed alphabetically’ … cabbage near carnation, parsley near petunias near pumpkins, seeds meant for spring, summer & autumn planting all mixed together . . . )
—
Right now (late autumn, here) I’m aware I’m about a month late in planting my broad beans and the hyacinth bulbs are already shooting!
—
– Lorin
Thanks Marshall and Lorin.
Here’s another Canadian alternative (i.e. where I see this each year as a sure sign of spring)
*
in the grocery store
seed packets
arrayed alphabetically
*
a farm tractor’s drone
is much more loudly than
the wind roaring
too declarative a sentence, here, Vasile. “farm tractor’s drone/ much louder/ than the wind roaring” or “than the wind’s roar” but i’m feeling “farm” and “tractor” are too close to the “bales of the second haying” of verse 4
it will begin soon
the vernal campaign
against the pests
too much of a kireji, Vasile, after the first line -but nice reminder of Basho’s “doesn’t lice season come to an end?”
and it’s a swing and a miss
on the first pitch
of opening day
well, Michael Henry, this is an abrupt ‘shift’ -only “day” has been already used in the hokku
wet earth
shared with pigeons
in the early rain
this is good, too, Aalix -“pigeons” is unexpected -not sure about “wet earth” so close to “balls of moss” -but thanks
rain
drips
through new leaves
this is possible, Aalix, thanks i’ll have to consider if I want this link to be this brief
on the wetlands
brolgas in pairs
step in unison
hi Marilyn -brolgas are the Australian equivalent of a crane and since we have an Australian reference in “bunyip” just 2 verses before i think this would be a case of ‘backlinking’ -but also, after “balls of moss” we don’t want “on the wetlands” 2 lines later -gotta move ion
Congratulations Carmen, I love this verse, its creepy movement…
glistening trails
converge on the new
green garden
well, p j, this is much more to my taste than the previous version -but their still seems to be a personal interest vested in the word, “converge”
Hmmm. Yes, I see.
balls of moss
exit the quaking forest
–Carmen Sterba
.
.
one by one
tadpoles wriggle out
of frogspawn
this would be fabulous to see live, Polona -just that “wriggle out” after “exit” is too soon a similar action
oh, i like this…
.
.
balls of moss
exit the quaking forest
–Carmen Sterba
.
.
the afternoon
house martins begin
their nest repair
.
probably not what you’re looking for, but just in case… 🙂
yeah, you’re right, Polona -don’t want any nests -but keep ’em comin’ and keep the juices flowing
caterpillars
among the topiary
at Versailles
yeah, Maureen, i hope they eat them all -don’t like shrubs from the mani-pedi dept. -nice play in the ‘pillars’ of “caterpillars” though
wobbly ducklings
head for water
in a mayday parade
Marshall, I apologize. I won’t do anything like this again.
at least, Judt, they didn’t go to a ‘watering hole’
I like it. But I think wood ducklings might be better.
early swans break dawn
across the lake’s
rough surface
hi Carol -don’t really want “early” and “dawn” in the first line -and it’s unclear how the swan’s presence ‘broke’ the dawn -were they reflective of the first light? or was it the smoothness of their glide over the lake that made you look up to see the first rays?
a heron on a snag
waiting as the pond
brims over
I like this one, Marietta as it would introduce some stillness back into our renku while maintaining some motion as well -took me awhile to understand “snag” though -but definitely will look at this one later, thanks
snails’ shining trails
converge on my new
green leaves
sounds as if the “green leaves” belong to you or at least the human subject, p j -in nature, nothing ‘belongs’ to anybody -“converge” makes it sound like you’re afraid the snails will do the leaves damage -maybe it’s the best food for them to eat
a new dragonfly
darts and hovers
in wing trials
humans have “trials” -usually for eliminating slower performers for a final race -insects may ‘test’ their balance and try their first pushes for flight -but to call this a ‘trial’ is anthropocentric, i think
fiddleheads
unfurl
their wings
.
. or
.
fiddleheads
now unfurl
their wings
robin wins -next round, please, Judt
“fiddleheads” may be a fanciful name, Mary, so you may believe it’s consistent to call their curls, “wings” but too fanciful and close to metaphor for us here
worm stretched
between earth
and robin
an arc of swans
soaring high above
plowed cotton fields
.
.
an arc of swans
soaring far above
plowed cotton fields
hi Mary -“arc of swans” too close to the moss’ implied flight
balls of moss
exit the quaking forest
–Carmen Sterba
—
out of morning mist
a rabbit, two rabbits
a hundred rabbits!
—
– Lorin
ps, this is true to my experience, though one stops counting so ‘a hundred’ really indicates ‘countless’.
hi Lorin -seems to me rabbits have frequent litters all year round -this could be late summer or fall as well
True of rabbits… but the morning mist places the verse in spring, doesn’t it . . .no other season.
– Lorin
bells
are ringing
waking the land
this, Marilyn, is a converted 2-liner with too obvious a cause-effect relation (and 2 participles out of 6 words) -sorry, you hit 3 red buttons in one offering
monarch butterflies
settled upon
a Zazen-seki
*
“Zazen-seki is a flat “meditation rock,” which is believed to radiate calm and silence.”
Source: Wikipedia, Japanese rock garden
Edit:
*
monarch butterflies
settled upon
Zazen-seki
hi Maureen – guess you could have used another butterfly such as a red admiral or a question mark; mourning cloaks are the earliest out here -monarchs i’ve been watching for over 50 years and only twice did one make it to southern Ontario before the summer solstice -and they don’t “settle” in their hordes until late summer or fall (unless you’re in Mexico)
walking through new shoots
I feel them yield
under my feet
hi again, Aalix -don’t really want walking noted after the balls of moss have escaped through the air
seed packets, hoe, gloves
the freshly turned soil
silently beckons
well, joel, certainly springlike but i’m stretching to see how it would link
sparrows swoop
into the nest
feeding baby birds
this ‘nest imagery’, aalix, though it certainly indicates spring, appeals to none of my senses; does not make my body feel as if it’s in springlike conditions
my clap at the cat
startles the fledgling
into flight
to the rescue! Judt! not for here now -though it is ‘neat’ that you act on the cat but watch the fledgling
black cat crouches
as the fledgling
flutters down
certainly a moment, Judt -as we used to say when we all concentrated on haiku as ‘the moment of awreness’ -too close to the bunyip moment here, however
Ah, I certainly appreciate Marshall’s choice of this verse, which was inspired by growing up near a mossy rain forest in my state of Washington and by living with constant earthquakes in Japan for 32 years.
You’re welcome, Carmen -just shows that imagination rooted in memory is just that more imaginative
That’s interesting, Carmen, adding to my understanding and appreciation of your ku. Thank goodness I’ve not been present when a major earthquake happened! (a smaller quake, long ago in Indonesia though, and yes, what with the sloping changes things/ objects did take on an uncanny life of their own) It’s a spooky haiku! All the more so for me now!
—
– Lorin
a caterpillar
in geometric crinkles
on a milkweed
“geometric crinkles”, Maureen harks back to much to the “… surreal” section in its jagged juxtaposition of words
gentle showers
enlighten every stone
in the garden
hey Michael Henry, you’ve got something here -could we just change “enlighten” to ‘lighten’ ?
but of course perhaps
gentle showers
lighten each stone
in the garden
great, Michael Henry, thank-you
balls of moss
exit the quaking forest
–Carmen Sterba
—
in the greenhouse
a calico cat
suckles her newborns
—
– Lorin
this one, Lorin, is the one from the three you’ve sent that i like -we are all living in a greenhouse now
between showers
a tourist enquires
about our seasons
yeah, in Canada i like to quote Sono Uchida, one of the founders of the Haiku International Association out of Tokyo who was an Ambassador to the USA with an embassy in Seattle who said of our spring, “It’s more of an event than a season, i think” -wanted to jump out of my very formal chair and hug him when he said that -too droll a verse to be included here, though, Marion
steely-blue flash
of the swallow returning
to nest
again, Marion, i think the third line should be ‘returning to nest’ -the breath-feel’ for the line should override any count of syllables in English poetry -seems that we’re still trying to perform ‘short-long-short’ that simply ain’t required -especially when “steely-blue flash” is so, well, flashy
daffodils lining
the dual carriageway
welcome me to Dublin
hi Marion -i had this happen the first time i went to Loutro, Krete -yellow sfakia flowers the whole ride of about 80 miles down -i would like it better with the third line: ‘all the way to Dublin’ but i’ll keep it for later consideration, thanks
Ah, I was probably trying to hard to link with ‘exit’, Marshall. I like ‘all the way to Dublin’ because the three lines sound like the lyrics of a song now. 🙂
and it’s not a ‘blossom verse’ so we can’t have daffodils here -got carried away, Marion, with Cretan memories
balls of moss
exit the quaking forest
–Carmen Sterba
—
a calico cat
suckles her newborns
on the neighbour’s porch
—
– Lorin
or ‘litter’
—
a calico cat
suckles her litter
on the neighbour’s porch
—
– Lorin
the bucktoothed boy’s
first gray heron
goes beyond
-Patrick
vivid writing, Patrick -the juxtaposition of the two images harks too much back to the “… surreal” section though
I also found that verse of Carmen’s fascinating.
.
balls of moss
exit the quaking forest
.
just in from school
she wishes our Buddha candle
a happy birthday
well, specifically, we had “school” in verse 6 -cute scene though -not a Buddhist myself, i’m always taken aback that they celebrate the Buddha’s birthday
a water balloon
splashed in honor
of Holi
oh yeah, the spring festival of colours celebrated in India and Nepal, Maureen -don’t want a reference to ritual right after the “phantastical …” section
jingling-jangling
Morris men beat the earth
with their sticks
– Sandra Simpson
refers to the ‘Morris Dance’ performed in England up til the 15th Century -don’t know if this was performed only in spring, but even if it were this feels to me like an offering left over from the ‘phantastical-mthological-surreal’ section -would seem that that section got extended to 3 verses -which it won’t be
Morris dancing is still alive and well in the 21st century, Marshall. There are dances for all sorts of things, but this verse refers to May Day, a huge day on the traditional Morris calendar – they go out to wake up the Earth.
I think i’d rather have the earth wake up humanity -at least in a renku
scattered
blue puddles
on the path
nice image, Judt -i’m not a ‘puddles’ guy though -and have seen enough ‘reflection haiku’ for at least one lifetime
a newly hatched chick
among the eggs
of a Northern Cardinal
think, “Northern” a little unnecessary here, Maureen -cardinals were first sighted in Canada in 1904 -been moving farther north every year -not crazy about looking in a nest after a “quaking forest’ either
facing me
a hairy bunyip points
the bones
.
–Barbara A. Taylor
.
balls of moss
exit the quaking forest
.
–Carmen Sterba
.
margaritas
to celebrate
Cinco de Mayo
.
-Karen Cesar
this is very welcome, Karen, thanks -definitely keep this one around
at dusk
a male cardinal’s “chip chip”
alerts the nestlings
doesn’t work for me, Marilyn -the female goes ‘chip, chip’ when she’s found food, the male has three distinct songs -and “alerts the nestlings” is too ’cause and effect’ for me here. We had a male in our yard 2 years ago who couldn’t sing but did often go ‘chip, chip’ near our seed tray -that was the name i gave him (‘chip’) -introduced him to guests as our ‘LGBT cardinal’ -i could whistle and he’d show up
Very nice, Carmen! Congrats!
people, here is
a triumphal arch of nature-
the first rainbow
i’m guessing you mean, “first rainbow of spring” Vasile -rainbows are welcome anytime -and the first two lines too liturgical
finally
the windows are open
twenty four seven
hi Michael Henry -this one reads like it’s a 2-liner split after “finally” -though unique indication of spring: “twenty four seven”
Elegant verse, Carmen ?
***
.
facing me
a hairy bunyip points
the bones
.
–Barbara A. Taylor
.
balls of moss
exit the quaking forest
.
–Carmen Sterba
.
the polished floors
of the rotunda covered
in muddy footprints
.
– Karen Cesar
Another version:
.
steps
to the Capital rotunda
covered in mud
good indicator of spring, Karen -though this seems like a line-split two-liner -just sensitive to that since so many live sessions have people doing this when i look up and say that we need 3 lines now
so this is a genuine 3-liner, Karen -to my ‘breathing test’ for line-break the third line should begin with “covered” -then i think maybe “covered” isn’t needed at all
two young storcks
repair together
the old nest
as before, Vasile -and by the way, it’s spelled, ‘stork’
I bag your pardon for this mistake.
under the clouds ceiling
no end of swallows fly
hither and tither
this is much more acceptable, Vasile -though i would make the third line: ‘flying to and fro’ -but having it ‘hither and thither’ would satisfy our need for an archaic English word in our renku, i.e. ‘thither’ -first line probably needs a possessive as well: ‘under the clouds’ ceiling’ -so i’ll have to consider this one again, thanks
Dear Sir,
thank you for this sugestion. It is better so?:
under the clouds ceiling
no end of swallows
flying to and fro
Thank you for this help. I think that this is the better form:
under the clouds celling 5
no end of swallows fly anew 7
hither and thither
angle after angle
in the blue sky
the white cranes
you remind me, Vasile, of the time i was asked for a ‘white crane’ haiku and sent one i wrote about the ‘bark’ of one of a pair as they passed under a bridge -they accepted it but it was clear from every other inclusion that they were appealing for poems about folded, origami cranes. My point being thatyou’ve here done the opposite: the origami cranes do have many angles, but the ones in the sky fly in a very ‘stream-lined’ manner. Unless you mean you’re holding up ‘paper cranes’ to a background of sky, which is too contrived
two young storcks
repairing together
the old nest
hi again, Vasile -this certainly is of spring but it needs more of a link and it needs to appeal to our senses as well
Congrats, Carmen! A striking verse. Great choice, Marshall.
*
the shimmer
of a soap bubble
before it bursts
thanks, Maureen -striking visual image here -have to think more about this one
an arc of swans
high above plowed
cotton fields
hello Mary -I feel the third line should be ‘plowed cotton fields’ -then we need more of the second line -nice start though, thanks