The Renku Sessions: A Day of Snow 5
Greetings and welcome to The Haiku Foundation’s Fourth Renku Session: A Day of Snow. I am Marshall Hryciuk of Toronto Canada and i will be the leader of a 36-link Kasen renku. I’ve led over 40 of these linked-poem gatherings and my latest book, from Carleton Place, Canada is a selection of 15 of them, called petals in the dark.
Hi, renku fans! I’ve chosen:
dust from travelers
makes its slow descent
in the moonlight
–steve smolak
as our 5th verse, our first moon verse.
Its link, though obscure at first, is that it brings to mind the continual subsidence or breaking off and falling of the hay chaff within the barn. It clouds the air of the barn, though barely visible and adds to the redolence of the hay throughout the area. We sift through it as we walk there. Likewise the dust here is a byproduct of the “travelers'” activity; not one they are dedicating themselves to causing–and it duplicates the “falling” moon’s light in its motion.
I think the five “s” sounds in the first two lines carry this sense of motion appropriately and then leave off in the third line where the moonlight is steady.
It’s great that this also suggests movement in two directions at once so that it not only brings movement back into our renku but provides it with some dimensionality too. Thank you, steve.
For our next link, #6, we need two lines, autumn, leaving out animals and precipitation and blossoms and flowers of course.
Happy linking,
Marshall
A Day of Snow to Date
a day of snow
no one else
has come to the door–Marshall Hrycuik
coyote song closer
this longest night–Judt Shrode
incense lit
the scent of sage
lingers in a crowd
–Maureen Virchau
bales of the second haying
stacked to the rafters–Paul MacNeil
dust from travelers
makes its slow descent
in the moonlight–steve smolak
This Post Has 224 Comments
Comments are closed.
in a leaf pile
children’s laughter
tying flies with
quail feathers
hello, joel -last offering this session! Evokes a fisherman’s scene appropriately but is too ‘clipped’ or tight for the last of our first 6 -would still prefer, “tying flies/ with quail feathers” for a more natural, breathing cadence
the golds of lakeside lanterns
appearing through bare trees
Or a variation:
lakeside lanterns glinting yellow
through bare trees
nice to get some colour in our renku, Marietta but i don’t think we need the modifier, “bare” here and i’d prefer, “visible” to “appearing”
the gold of lakeside lanterns
visible through trees
looking out on morning frost
again the heat clicks on
hello Jackson -“frost” and needing to turn the heat on suggest winter more than autumn to me
dust from travelers
makes its slow descent
in the moonlight
–steve smolak
*
volunteers gather to clear
crackling leaves and twigs
hi again, Carmen -it’s borderline, but “gathering” even of people is too close to a backlink to the bales of hay in link 4
dust from travelers
makes its slow descent
in the moonlight
–steve smolak
*
the lake reflects a line
of shedding maples
fine image, Carmen, but “shedding” I associate so much with animals that here it would be out of place as metaphorical
vineyard parking lot
filled with tour buses
*
clink clink clink
in the crowded tasting room
hello, Liz Ann -“bus” is too close a restatement to ‘travelers’ and not sure i want “filled” in the last line of the first 6 verses – “the crowded tasting room” wouldn’t necessarily be in autumn
dog days pass
in a snarl of leaves
“dog days”, Pat, I’ve always associated with late summmer
looking down on red leaves
switchback after switchback
wider view of red leaves
with each switchback
scuffing through leaves
the gloss of damp leather
Marietta -this poem is one of those that is a good haiku but is not meant to be a renku link; “scuffing through leaves” is perfect and carries a lot of needed sound -but there is a full stop and the ‘lift’ to a concluding observation, that again is totally apt for itself, but not for our open-ended progression -to put it another way, for this to be a possible link, “gloss” would have to be the subject of the verbal, “scuffing” which, of course is absurd -but, thanks
dust from travelers
makes its slow descent
in the moonlight
–steve smolak
—
kids popping puffballs
on the vacant block
– Lorin
hi Lorin -well, this does change the direction from descent to the rising puffballs -but an arrested rising -and i don’t want any negative “popping” at this point in our renku
dust from travelers
makes its slow descent
in the moonlight
.
–steve smolak
.
a creekside breakfast
of windfall apples
.
-Karen Cesar
avoiding ‘of’ and going for the sound of :
* a creekside breakfast
with windfall apples
hi Karen -but that changes the meaning, doesn’t it? A breakfast “of apples” means that you were a traveller with no provisions who dined on fallen-by-chance apples, whereas, “with apples” implies that you ate those apples ‘with’ something else besides -actually, i think, “of apples” sounds more natural -but, besides all that, i’m so wary of Westerner writer’s predilection for narrative that i don’t want to follow up the those who travel by moonlight by recording their first meal of the next day
with gusto a leaf
launches off the wiper
**
leaf by leaf
a tree joins the minnows
**
leaf by leaf
a tree joins its reflection
hello Agnes -like the second one here much more than the other two -maintains the mood nicely and has a sparkle to it -have to consider whether i want our renku to continue in a downward motion however -thanks
in cooling winds
weather vanes spin
in cooling winds
weather vanes twirl
in cooling winds
the weather vane twirls on the roof
Aalix, this is the best of the three, but “roof” could be taken to refer back to “the rafters” and we want to avoid that possible linkage
among the reeds
ducks’ heads under their wings
Paul -I believe duck hunting season is fall, but i believe i’ve seen ducks doing this ‘ducking of their heads’ just as often in the spring and summer as well
loaves of pumpkin bread
in the bakery window
loves of pumpkin bread
in the baker’s window
******
this version sounds better at least to me
naw, Michael Henry, i like the sound of “bakery window” better -love the “loves” in the re-do though -maybe one day we can do a renku of suggestive typos
scarecrow in the browning field
sways in the wind
hi again, Aalix -no, don’t want “in the wind” right after “in the moonlight”
Congrats, Steve! A fascinating link & shift. An excellent choice, Marshall.
*
polishing an apple
with my flannel shirt
thanks, Maureen -looking forward to more links from you starting with # 7
offering a bite
from the ripest apple
hello again, Marietta -“bite” is strong, maybe too strong already; but here it would rhyme with the previous line
dust from travelers
makes its slow descent
in the moonlight
-steve smolak
sometimes it’s because
they have arrived
dust from travellers
makes its slow descent
in the moonlight
-steve smolak
sometimes it’s because
they have arrived
hello Grace -your offering suggests we need to know the cause of the previous verse -which we don’t -we are responding to each other with ways of leading to the open, not answering -though your “sometimes” does mollify your response
Sorry, I didn’t really know what was going on here, Marshall. Will watch and learn.
*
an empty rowboat
adrift among the cattails
*
you maintain the mood well, here, Liz -“cattails” is cute because we can’t have any animals or flowers and this just skirts by both -will look again at this one, thanks
Marshall, meaning no criticism of the creative verse by Liz, but the cattail is itself a colony of flowers– a little like corn — on the same stem males with pollen above the females that will generate seeds. Pollenization is a thing of summer, the seeds borne by fluff in autumn. A world-wide plant, all continents, a/k/a ” bulrush / bulrushes.” This other common name seems to connote the reed parts — the leaves. (of course both names are for the whole plant — but to write “rose” is to refer to the bloom, not the leaves, canes, or thorns unless mentioned). I think it, the word, needs something else to become representative of a season. The pollen blowing; the seed fluff on the wind, bent with snow, etc.
break of day
tin mugs of steaming tea
hi Marilyn -can’t have another “day” so close to that of the hokku
autumn wind as if a
harpy snatching my lunch
hello Pat -harpies are for the mythology section, not for the first 6 verses and I don’t allow the season word; here, “autumn”, in renku i lead
sorry, thanks Marshall.
dust from travelers
makes its slow descent
in the moonlight
–steve smolak
—
a mallard pair paddles
across clear water
—
we dawdle on the bridge
over clear water
—
my skipping stone sinks
into clear water
—
– Lorin
…grammar?
Maybe:
dust from travelers
makes its slow descent
in the moonlight
–steve smolak
—
a mallard pair paddle
across clear water
—
(sounds more natural to me, but I think usage varies across cultures/ subcultures, even in one EL speaking country)
– Lorin
sounds natural to me, too, Lorin -just concerned that the paddlers are too close to the travellers leaving dust to descend -seems a parallel
hi Lorin, neither of these other two, “clear water” offerings connote autumn seasonality to me
ok, you did say you didn’t care much about kigo, ‘Clear water’ is a traditional Japanese kigo, but one I can relate to here in Southern Australia. It’s the milder, calmer weather of autumn that makes rivers, creeks & streams look clear, I think.
—
– Lorin
dust from travelers
makes its slow descent
in the moonlight
–steve smolak
a canoe at rest
in the goose’s wake
first line keeps the mood nicely, Carole, but the sound and connotation of “goose’s” shatters this
loaves of pumpkin bread
in re- sealable bags
connotes to me, Michael Henry, that you could be leaving bits behind you to find your way back -which is fun enough -“re-sealable” just too jarring a word for here though
how about
********
loaves of pumpkin bread
in the bakery window
a game of conkers
ready to happen
this has some zest to it , Mary and instead of restating the falling of the acorns, it assumes within it the completed motion of the previous link, thanks
acorns plunking
on the roof
hello Mary -“plunking” after the descent of dust is a distant parallel of falling, but a parallel (that we don’t want) nonetheless
on the pond
ducks’ heads under their wings
yes, paul, i’ve seen this, but i’m not sure if this image connotes something autumnal enough
fingers stained
black walnut
big resonance to these four strong words, Liz -just too jarring when added to the previous link in the first 6
mother’s straw hat
stored in the guests’ room
“straw hat”, Cristina, too close to the bales of hay in verse 4
the children’s swing ropes
still holding the upper bough
hello again, Cristina -not sure we need “the” at the beginning or the “upper” in the second line but i do think we need more to be happening here
of course we don’t need ‘the’ and upper was there to justify that the rope is still there (hard to be cut off). Thank you.
~~~~
children’s swing ropes
still hold unto the bough
~~~
other versions, for the sake of exercise if I am allowed:
~~~
blackish now
the tree swing’s loose ends
~~~
gently swaying
the tree swing’s loose ends
~~~
shorter now
the tree swing’s loose ends
scarecrow in the rustling corn
sways in the wind
hi again, Aalix, “rusting corn” too close to the hay bales
(having realised, from the thread plus a little research, that dew is not considered to be ‘precipitation’ in North America)
—
dust from travelers
makes its slow descent
in the moonlight
–steve smolak
—
morning dew
on yellow grass, on bones
–
(and that comma does not: constitute a ‘kireji.’) The tone , though, I grant, may not be acceptable for the first side of the renku, & there may be other flaws.
—
= Lorin
morning dew
even on the bones
—
— Lorim
hi again, Lorin -yeah, dew is secreted from plantlife and doesn’t precipitate -but don’t want to make a 3-verse link ‘haybale chaff to dust to dew’ -yes, no kireji just because a comma in the middle of a line and yes, “on yellow grass, on bones” is too baroque for the first 6 but overall a good two-liner
Oh no. Dew comes from the air, the temperature falls at night below the “dew” point. It’s condensate.
thanks Paul -been over 50 years i wrongly thought it was a secretion from plantlife-but yeah, it’s a condensate, not a precipitate
new-season walnuts
carpet the orchard
wow, Marietta, “carpet” a big no no -metaphor and a repetition of the main image in the hokku
OK, getting it, bit by bit! No metaphor/simile in renku.
river eddy letting go
of another red leaf
thanks, Judt -don’t think you need the “of” -“letting go” is considered an anthropomorphism by some people but not by me
work done and boots
dry by the fireplace
yeah, Paul, the “bales” verse took care of the ‘labour’ links for the first 18 anyway
Ah. Subtle. Labor link.
at dawn the ducks
already on the pond
not sure Paul, that i want a passage from moonlit night to dawn in the first 6 after the hokku and the wakiku pass from afternoon to night -have to consider again though, it’s so well written, thanks
Ah, too quick transition through night. Got it.
riding coats on hooks
beside the open fire
hi again, Marietta -well, you’ve stumped me here -maybe if i understand ‘riding-coats’ being what people wear when they ride horses in the autumn chill -and how could there be hooks hanging in air by an open fire? If they are ‘riders’ that would backlink this verse to the previous one’s “travelers” so it’s out of the question to include it here. But i would like to know what was going on in this offering
Marshall, I had in mind the heavy waxed riding coats that are worn here in colder autumn weather. I also pictured a rustic sort of house interior with metal wall hooks flanking a stone hearth where the damp coats might be slung to air out. And yes, I was thinking of ‘travelers’ and ‘riders’. Didn’t get it that the backlink was too close.
Marietta
for dessert
blackberries and cream
as i noted before, carol (though youwoudn’t have seen it posted yet) i associate blackberries more with summer than fall and there’s nothing else here to indicate it’s in fall or to link with the previous verse
*
honking
geese fill the pond
*
for my sense of line, Liz, this would be more natural as, “honking geese/ fill the pond” -but fill is awkward isn’t it? -maybe ‘surround’ or else “fill” is an exaggeration of colloquial speech (not terrible in itself) but exaggeration to be avoided in the first 6
aroma of baking
pies from the kitchen
hi Paul -no, want to move away from scent for a while
OK.
Is this revision any better?
windfall apples
ready for the press
yes, Mary, this is ‘better’ as regards possible inclusion in this renku but the first version was, i think, a better poem -best to just move on
rosehips redder
as his match flares
hi Claire -arresting juxtaposition of images, and you don’t actually write ‘harvest’ so maybe they aren’t picked yet -going to think about this one later, thanks
filling our lunchboxes
with roadside blackberries
*
– Sandra Simpson
hi again Sandra -don’t blackberries typically ‘come out’ mid-summer?
An autumn fruit in my experience, Marshall. All I can go on …
looking for walnuts
outside the fence
*
– Sandra Simpson
okay, Sandra, so not harvesting but scavenging, plays on the ‘wall’ of “walnuts” but i’m concerned that “fence” rhymes with “descent”, the second line of the previous verse
appreciate your guidance, Marshall…
.
a bench with a view
of blazing maples
sounds like a bench i’d like to be on, Polona “blazing” is lightly metaphorical and a little too violent for the first 6 but i appreciate the cadence of the lines
i thouight it might be so…
Would “turning” or “reddening” work better instead of “blazing”?
faded jeans and school colors
go perfect with granny’s specs
hello again, Betty -many modifiers here, and a little long in the syllables -we could probably tighten this up with no “go” at the beginning of the second line and a monosyllabic colour word after “school” (‘greens’ would rhyme with ‘jeans’ so no go and ‘blues’ would repeat the jeans’ colour so no go either, but maybe there’s another one that works for you?) -but i like how “faded” shades with the ending “in the moonlight” of the previous verse and moves our renku into colour -also has for me a slight twist in “granny’s specs” in that these may be influencing our ‘taste’ for what is appropriate -plus the image here is just as much absorbed or worn, or even embodied by the subject as ‘observed by’ her or him as with all previous five verses -thanks alot
Hi, Marshall…very happy this one has potential. Am open to suggestions…red & black were my high school colors. Had thought ‘plaids’ or ‘grays’ to bring in a boarding school idea. Other one syllable words to denote school colors besides ‘gold’, I’m blanking on. And yeah, I’d rather leave off ‘go’ in line 2 so no problem there.
Will keep thinking! Thank you for the lovely analysis, too…
hey Betty -rethinking this one -it’s “perfect” that has to ‘go’ if you don’t mind the wordplay here -so what i thought of was “faded jeans, school colors/ and granny’s specs to match” -hope you like this (keeps us out of ‘kirejiville’
Marshall, the edit works for me!
in the old press house
the barells of must boil
leave off the “the” of the second line and you’ve got something here -though “must” is a rhyme with “dust” of the previous verse, which isn’t damning of itself -just that they are the pivotal nouns of each verse -try to read your offering in connection with what you’re linking to and make sure there are no definite rhymes or repeat constructions -but glad to have your energy moving us alon
Hi, Marshall! Thank you for help. I rewrite it so:
in the old press house
barrels of new wine boil
today at the vintage
playing, song and good humour
hello again, Vasile -can’t repeat the song of the coyote in the wakiku
tea steams
in tin mugs
nicely outside, Marilyn, and “steam” to “dust” is a fine link -just too minimalist for the first 6
best china from the dresser
set ready for Thanksgiving
hi there, Marietta -trying to save feast-days and ceremonials for outside the first 6 (we need one from North America and one reference to a ceremony or holiday that’s not in our renku (not a special section)) but anyaway, “set out” would be much better for the second line rhythmically
Thanks Marshall. Still learning!
reading in signs of the zodiac
the future of new harvest
great, Vasile, that you keep them comin’ -however, here ‘zodiac’ signifies an arcane science that can’t be included in the first 6 and we’ve already referenced ‘harvest’ in link 4
a minor edit to my last submission
***********
three generations
of red flannel caps
yes, Michael Henry, this is an improvement, but I think something like ‘red and black plaid’ would be better
how about
********
three generations
of red plaid caps
or
***
three generations
of faded red plaid
*******
thanks for your help and encouragement
or
***
three generations
of faded red plaid
awaiting UE fonds
for the autumn campaign
hi Vasile -I guess you meant, ‘funds’ -but don’t write the word, ‘autumn’ -it won’t get in this renku -appropriate that you use it for something that’s not a natural occurrence at all
dust from travelers
makes its slow descent
in the moonlight
–steve smolak
—
red oak leaf boats go
merrily down the stream
—
– lorin
fanciful boats, there, Lorin -not for the frist 6
gathering mushrooms
careful to keep their gills clean
this one too, Carol, carries the mood of the previous link over nicely -and keeps it a night scene as well -only drawback is that we’ve already had a ‘harvesting’ reference in verse 4 -will consider this one again, thanks
*
her ginger pear jam
wins gold
*
hey Liz Ann -did you know? I spent 15 years rendering my dad’s bartlett pear tree’s fruit into compote each September (it doesn’t have its own pectin, so you can hardly call it jam (took me 3 years to stop making it runny)) -otherwise, no tangible link here to “dust from travelers”
Pears can be tricky. Sounds like you finally got the formula. As with renku, lots to learn and practice is the path. I was excited to learn a new session has begun and hope to keep participating and learning. I met you in Victoria last year at my first ever renku and loved it. My link on this was in the colour as I pictured moonlight on straw dust, but agree it’s too obscure. I’m looking forward to the all the wonderful contributions and your thoughtful comments.
Another try:
*
jars of ginger pears
for sale at the B&B
boot prints smudge
the pathway to the farmhouse
ah the dreaded backlinking to the farm scene -you’ve a fine rendering of image here, Paul, but we can’t go there
morning stillness
leaves glistening with dew drops
hi again, Marilyn -“drops” superfluous here, but otherwise a wonderful sustaining of mood from the previous link -will consider again (without the ‘drops’) -thanks
dust from travelers
makes its slow descent
in the moonlight
–steve smolak
—
beyond the black stump
a shiver of ghost gums
—
– Lorin
well, Lorin, looks like some more ‘lordly linking’ (Anglo-Saxon) with ‘beyond’ ‘black’ and “ghost gums” that i guess are Eucalyptus trees -and even a half-rhyme ending – lots of arcane poetics here -not for our first 6
well, Marshall, I guess you’re not familiar with what’s beyond the black stump, or with a fire season that usually has ended by mid to late autumn.
“The most prosaic explanation for the origin of ‘black stump’ derives from the general use of fire-blackened tree-stumps as markers when giving directions to travellers unfamiliar with the terrain.”
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_Stump
—
“arcane poetics ” & “lordly linking”… hmmm. My not being a North American might be a disadvantage?
– Lorin
the cannonade of a passing truck
rights an Inness on the wall
-Patrick
a welcoming smile
of the jack-o’-lantern
hello Gabriel -“welcoming” links with “travelers” and this is definitely autumn -i’ll look at this one again, later -thanks
a girl with silver bangles
takes her brother’s hand
nice cadence, Claire, and i see the link in “silver” but how is this autumn? I could guess it’s a ‘going-to-school’ scene but i think that’s asking a reader to stretch too far alone
the ghosts of last night
wake up as children
Carole MacRury (All Saints, or Halloween)
Actually, might edit this to:
the ghosts of last night
once again, children
Thanks Marshall…I love your touch as sabaki. It’s looking good!
Thanks, Carole -the break in line two is a pretty sneaky kireji -but a kireji nonetheless -and, as you may know we’re already over limit in kireji for a renku -you may also know i don’t worry about this when leading ‘live’ -but we have 6 days to get it right, so I think we should try
Thanks Marshall….I appreciate that you take the time to comment on posts…so helpful to learning!
Whether or not a comma is equivalent to a kireji (a comma indicates a pause, not a cut/ kire) the comma here in L2 is just a typo or grammo, if the meaning is “once again (are) children/ are children once again”. . . which is how I read it. It can be deleted without any loss.
(“Once again, children.” might be said by a choirmaster, asking the kids to sing the song again)
– Lorin
so, Carole, this would be preferable for inclusion in a renku -just don’t feel a tangible enough link to the previous verse
cold breeze perches on
statue’s shoulder
hi Todd -too fanciful, or least, too figurative, for the first 6
behind the sower machine
a flock of merry crows
hi again Vasile -the parallel adjective-noun in consecutive lines is too heavy for me -also, women (mostly) use a ‘sewing’ machine to render fabric into clothes so the ambiguity of ‘sower’ is not fortuitous here -and ascribing “merry” to a murder of crows, however delighted they might be speculated to seem, is too fanciful for the first 6
putting the hand to the plough
the farmers plan their future
little heavy-handed, here Vasile -they’re actually accomplishing their future; the planning has finished
the first hoar-frost covers
all the game’s footprints
“first hoar-frost” says ‘winter’ to me Vasile
Just want to say, this is the equivalent for me of having a renku sensei all to myself. Thank you, Marshall and all poets!
after dark the murmur
of churchyard voices
hi again, Marietta -thanks for your kind comments -here, we don’t want “after dark” to begin a line after “in the moonlight”
three generations of
red flannel hats
hi Michael Henry – nice touch, but the hats, usually worn in the woods by hunters, around here are ‘black and red’ as in a checkerboard and they’re made of wool -all of which matches their jackets -is that what you meant? -or did you actually see what you wrote?
Hi Marshall
.
.
.
a chainsaw through
silences and what
hi Pratime -no chainsaws here, please -the “and what” might be good for an ‘absurdity section’ that i’m considering having later in this renku
we unpack our sweaters
ready for new coolness
hi Barbara -first line is a classic indicator in renku for autumn, which if you read it fully makes your second line superfluous -you might want to think of a second activity to complement “as we unpack our sweaters”
steady steps between
the turning trees
hi Barbara -alliteration here so pronounced it almost sounds like Anglo-Saxon verse -parallel of adjective-noun makes it too heavy here
next in the line
for hot chestnuts
a reference to Sappho, Judt?
🙂
hi again, Barbara -don’t want a verse beginning “in the …” after “in the moonlight” -best to read your verse connected to the previous verse you’re linking with to see if it a. could make sense b. has some sort of link within it c. has some sort of ‘poetic quality’ to it, such as, continuity of mood, direct contrast of tone or assonance or consonance within as a 5 line poem
apples out of reach
on the pathside branches
dust from travelers
makes its slow descent
in the moonlight
–steve smolak
—
the hatless scarecrow
assigned to cabbages
—
– Lorin
hey, i like this, Lorin -“assigned” ‘sticks out’ a bit here in the first 6 -but i’ll have to think about this one
Congratulations, Steve…I love your verse.
~
bushels of ripe apples
ready for the press
hi there Mary -we’ve got “bales” two verses before
drill team’s pivots
at halftime
thanks Judt, keep playing
the marching band
at halftime
oops, no music
thank you marshall, and fellow participants…i love being able to participate while i learn from your verses and marshalls’ comments- it puts what i’m reading on renku into play…hours, and many duds, with pauls great verse in my mind, one i felt had a chance….thank you again…p.s. marshall, to stay active and learning i’ll be posting a verse here and there.
zaftig on the theta train
of her kitchen nook
-Patrick
hi Patrick -we’re not in the phantasy-supernatural-mythology section yet -though a foreign word is something we need once in our renku -just not yet
good job Steve
********
hot coffee with pumpkin pie
at the truck stop
big shift, Michael Henry -probably too much, but really don’t want any “stop” here -though with ‘drive through’ you’d probably avoid that -just too hard a landing for the dust of the previous link
Hi Marshall
*
A query if you have time (I left it too late on the previous link submissions so have reposted it ehere). You said in reply to pj: “maybe here’s the place to say: though the moon always indicates autumn, it’s not enough to link with an autumn verse just to have a moon involvement in it – it needs to link and it needs an autumn seasonality as well”.
*
I’m wondering about the use of double kigo – the full moon denotes autumn so if one adds ‘coloured leaves’ or ‘mist’ for example, the result is a verse with a double kigo … isn’t it? Maybe the ‘rules’ for renku are different, but I’d be interested to hear more.
*
Many thanks,
Sandra
hi there Sandra -because i’m not looking for kigo, I don’t even know if there’s 2 or 3 in a verse in a renku i lead or in a haiku i write – I do believe in ‘seasonality’ though and i wanted all of our participants to know that, in a renku, a moon verse in any other season is out of its seasonality but that for an autumn verse its my choice to want something else in the verse to indicate an autumn seasonality; otherwise that would reduce the word, ‘moon’ or reference to the moon to the status of a kigo, which, like syllables, i don’t want to go around counting -and if I may remind people -because there’s going to be two more moon verses -the ‘moon verse’ also has to link with the previous one -same with the blossom verses for spring -it won’t be enough to just have a lovely image of flowers -the lamplight should shed light back and adumbrate forward -let’s get back to linking
It’s good question, Sandra. And a considered response, Marshall, but I’m puzzled by it, especially:
—
” i’m not looking for kigo, I don’t even know if there’s 2 or 3 in a verse in a renku i lead or in a haiku i write. . . for an autumn verse it’s my choice to want something else in the verse to indicate an autumn seasonality; …” – M
—
I’m puzzled by it because I think that, in practice (going by the renku so far) it would seem that you *would* recognise verses that had more than one kigo. None of the verses chosen so far have the dreaded ‘double kigo’ (eg moon + dew, mushrooms, scarecrows, fog… any extra ‘keyword’ that might indicate an autumn seasonality) The moon/ moonlight *is* the kigo in Steve S’s lovely verse. There’s nothing else I can detect in it that indicates an ‘autumn seasonality’ apart from the moonlight.
—
I do appreciate your emphasis on linking, though (as well as shifting, of course)
—
– Lorin
as if in answer
venus brightens the chill night
hi Claire -don’t want a counter-factual (as in an “as if) in the first 6
silvered pearls tip the
pine’s needles drooping
hi Brian -ending a line with an article dramatizes the split of the line from your breath -be better to write; “silvered pearls/ tip the drooping pine’s needles” that still has too much alliteration in the ‘p’s
Thanks Marshall. Was actually going for that catch in the breath, thought it brought into focus the imminent drip as the needles, not necessarily the pine itself, droop. The second line was intended to have a sort of descending cadence and end on the rather ugly droop sound. Thought this might allow for leaps to other environs yet remain organic, if you will. I do come to this from a more westernized aspect of haiku, thus the enjambment and all that you commented on. A rank beginner…Good fun, though and learning a lot.?
tiny stars like
pinholes in the blanket of night
hello Brian -no stars after the moon link and no blanket after the hokku’s image of undisturbed snow
Very nice, Steve.
at each crow croaking
the poplar lose a leaf
all the thorn point out
the single flower of cactus
Vasile -no flowers, this is not yet the blossom verse
waiting for its suitors
an wide open amarylis
(link: travelers – suitors)
on a whisking reed
dragonflies in love
this and the ‘amarylis’ offering after , Vasile, seem like ‘love links’ more than autumn links to me
Very poetic choices so far – love how this renku is shaping up!
hi Agnes -I believe i’m a poet first and drawn to haiku because it is so intensely poetic about nature -and given 6 days and about 65 offerings for each link i think we should b able to maintain a renku as mostly poetry throughout -hope you continue to contribute
Beautiful verse, Steve!