The Renku Sessions: A Day of Snow 31
Greetings and welcome to The Haiku Foundation’s Fourth Renku Session: A Day of Snow. I am Marshall Hryciuk of Toronto Canada and i will be the leader of a 36-link Kasen renku. I’ve led over 40 of these linked-poem gatherings and my latest book, from Carleton Place, Canada is a selection of 15 of them, called petals in the dark.
Hello to all of you moonlighting in renku. We have our verse 31. It is:
this eclipsed moon
suddenly the colour
of fallen leaves
Marietta McGregor
Original moon verses are difficult to come by, and i’m happy to have found this one of an eclipsed moon.
It links with fishing in its undetermined ‘wait time’ when ‘out of the blue’ you have what you’ve been waiting for. I know i said i didn’t want any more colour in this link but the poet has cleverly controverted this by not stating a colour, but we know that the tone of the eclipsed moon matches with that of a classical salmon colour and that of many fallen leaves. The leaves in this state indicating autumn.
Were someone to ask me when i thought “suddenly” should be used in a haiku i would probably reply, “never, anymore.” But it works on the ‘n’ consonance level here; “oon” in the first line, then “denly” and “len” in the second and third lines. I also appreciate the four repetitions of the liquid consonant ‘l’ sounds that roll through this verse to give us the savour of a moment that will be shortly lost to the further flowing of the earth’s shadow away from its cover of the moon. Thank you very much, Marietta.
What we need now is 2 more lines, autumn, but with the added twist that we are now coming to our renku’s denouement. So we need to pick up the pace as if we were gathering our belongings preparing to say goodbye to our host with a final blossom verse in #35. So no flowers yet, nothing moon-like or round but lines that read quicker, with less ambiguity, without a loss of subtlety.
Happy linking,
Marshall
A Day of Snow to Date
a day of snow
no one else
has come to the door–Marshall Hrycuik
coyote song closer
this longest night–Judt Shrode
incense lit
the scent of sage
lingers in a crowd
–Maureen Virchau
bales of the second haying
stacked to the rafters–Paul MacNeil
dust from travelers
makes its slow descent
in the moonlight–steve smolak
faded jeans, school colors
and granny’s specs to match–Betty Shropshire
facing me
a hairy bunyip points
the bones
–Barbara A. Taylor
balls of moss
exit the quaking forest
–Carmen Sterba
in the garden shop
seed packets
arrayed alphabetically
–Marilyn Potter
glasswing on the handle
of my butterfly net
–Karen Cesar
a gypsy’s forecast
uttered to the sound
of rolling dice–Lorin Ford
trick-or-treaters skip
under a new moon
–Maureen Virchau
horses’ foggy snorts
lead our morning jaunt
along the track
–Marietta McGregor
scanning an empty platform
as the train chugs off
–Shrikaanth Krishnamurthy
I sit in silence
behind the steering wheel
awhile–Paul Geiger
the ewe gently nudges
her lambs to move on
–Mary Kendall
one white tulip
in a sunlit border
glows against the green
–Marietta McGregor
another soul in the limelight
of #blacklivesmatter
–Agnes Eva Savich
Bastille Day
fireworks
extinguished
–Marion Clarke
recruitment of volunteers
for the hospice New Year’s Eve–Gabriel Sawicki
beaming with joy
the first visitor presents
a tray of passionfruit–Barbara A. Taylor
the commuter car full
of personal devices–Michael Henry Lee
with a touch of her finger
the goddess of wind
marcels the tall grasses–Patrick Sweeney
a gull’s wings barely moving
in the midday heat–Polona Oblak
if only I could fit
an arm chair
into my wine cellar–Liz Ann Winkler
a dust caked child
turning a dry spigot–Judt Shrode
week after week
the geyser spout remains
frozen solidBarbara A. Taylor
skiers debate
violet wax or blue special–kj munro
twelve breaths
moving as one
hour of tai chi–Michael Henry Lee
along the Sheboygan
salmon anglers drift fishing–Betty Shropshire
this eclipsed moon
suddenly the colour
of fallen leaves–Marietta McGregor
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newspapers stacked
beside the woodpile
sukkah booths
adorn the city
this eclipsed moon
suddenly the colour
of fallen leaves
– Marietta McGregor
*
a tangle of brownies
rake the schoolyard
this eclipsed moon
suddenly the colour
of fallen leaves
– Marietta McGregor
*
a brownie troop leaps
down the stone stairs
fields of wheat
beginning to sprout
so this would be a second planting, Marilyn? we’ve already had a ‘second haying” way back in verse 4 -so, in a way it’s far enough afield to be stated again -but i just don’t want two ‘seconds’ of anything -let alone of a food item so close to “salmon drift fishing”
boulder lichen
in the form of faces
—
– lorin
“faces” interpretive here, Lorin -not a fault of itself -but beside a ‘moon verse’ it’s just the wrong time for this interpretation
we give the right of way
spurring salamanders on
this one just too long for here, betty
a splotchy Ptarmigan
prepares its new white coat
.
or
.
Ptarmigan in mid-molt
ready for its white coat
.
or
.
Ptarmigan in mid-molt
ready for its coat of white
these don’t work at all…let’s go with:
.
a splotchy Ptarmigan
resting on a matching rock
no birds, Mary -too soon after the “gull’s wings” of verse 24 -but “splotchy” with “matching” too jaggedly sounding for this verse anyway
rubbing hands together
warmth begins to return
.
or.
.
rubbing hands together
warmth returns
well enough, Mary, but it doesn’t relay our renku anywhere ‘positive’
this eclipsed moon
suddenly the colour
of fallen leaves
–Marietta McGregor
*
the last tooth
lost in the final raking
“last” and “final” shouldn’t be in the same verse, Liz Ann -and it would foreshorten our renku’s ending as well
another sweater
until the furnace repair
too much of a ‘stop-gap’ measure, kj, when we want to be moving into the next phase
a crackle of bonfire
and cackle of witch
.
.
Sorry, Marshall – we’re all getting in the mood for Halloween here! 🙂
a hint of cinnamon
for the long road back
first line deliciously mysterious, Marion -but “long road back” has no referent for me at all unless it could end ‘back home’ -which makes the line too self-conscious of being in a a renku
It was thinking of all sorts of things when I wrote this one, Marshall – but in particular a child carrying some sustenance for a long walk back after visiting Grandma, perhaps cinnamon cookies or cake. But I see what you mean about it being self-referential in terms of the renku – hadn’t thought of that. 🙁
Glad you enjoyed the smell of the cookies though 🙂
a log shifting in the fire
prompts us to rise
Oops – mention of fire in ‘Bastille day’…
.
shifting coals in the hearth
prompt us to rise
we dwell a while longer
in front of the turf fire
no “fire” after “Bastille Day”, Marion
Yep – spotted that in the next one up. Makes me feel even sillier because I wrote ‘Bastille Day!!!’
dinosaur imprints somewhere
a horned toad burrowing in
line break should probably be after “imprints” -but, Betty, it’s too long for here any way you cut it
four Queens and a Viceroy
closer to Mexico
…
yeah, I know, but we’re anxiously awaiting the bigger migration of Monarchs after the recent inundation of American snouts
rushing through chores
to watch the playoffs
okay enough, Debbie -but i’ve been very happy to keep personal human purposiveness out of this renku to this point, so don’t want to ruin that tenor at this juncture
Thanks Marshall!
weasel changing
into an ermine
is that like a lawyer assuming the robes of a judge, Judt? -but i’d guess you meant the changing of the same animal’s fur colour for winter -too hard a link with the moon’s changing colour in such an abrupt link, though -certainly has a quick pace but too close
wood frog, en pointe,
on the edge of a crevice
or maybe:
…
wood frog, en pointe,
edged between lichens
or:
…
wood frog, en pointe,
edging between lichens
–(wood frogs seek crevices for their winter hibernaculum)
so, Betty, instead of our frogs turning into princes, they become ballerinas -too much of a stretch for me, i’m afraid -though thanks for the info about their hibernacula -such a fine-sounding word in itself
hungry possums
go bump in the night
—
or
—
hungry raccoons
go bump in the night
—
(yeah, well 🙂 … I like the American raccoons. Their behaviour around urban & suburban areas much like our possums, s far as I can ather)
—
– Lorin
yeah, Lorin, we have possums too -and they have much worse sight than raccoons -when i lived on Long Island NY for 14 months virtually any morning i cared to look at the curbs on our highway drive to work, especially in summer, i’d see a dead possum, and perhaps some younger ones -only seen a few around Toronto -but our raccoons are especally well-feeding in the summer
Your opossums (your only surviving marsupials) though related to our possums a long, long time ago when the continents were joined, are different to ours, Marshall.
– Lorin
cockatoos
at (the) drooping sunflowers
—
– Lorin
and so, no to “sunflowers” as well, Lorin
patting the earth
over hyacinth bulbs
—
(or “I pat”
—
– Lorin
we could have “bulbs” and not be floral, Lorin -but for me, in my interpretation of the Japanese renku traditions i decide to abide by, just saying or in fact, writing “hyacinth” even if as a writer you don’t m e a n the flower is still restricted to a flower or blossom verse
the neighbour
sharpens his chainsaw
—
– Lorin
or cuts 30 pieces of timber just as we’re sitting down to eat on our patio -i appreciate the feeling in this one, Lorin, but around me the sound of this happens 365 days a year -we live in reno+city -nothing particularly autumnal about this
whine
of the last mosquito
—
Lorin
“last mosquito” a fantastical phrase to me, Lorin -every time i think i’ve heard or seen the last one, about two dusks later another one appears -often in my bedroom ‘-“whine” is a good description of their sound, but in such a short poem its own phoneme immediately bring,s to my mind at least, ‘wine’ -which we can’t have
a marmalade cat
among the pumpkins
—
– Lorin
lotsa food here, Lorin -but looking for open spaces
*
deck chairs
rumble in the storm
“storm” with “deck chairs” could be just as likely in summer, Liz Ann
smelling like the cedar chest
we sally forth
not only is there a comic strip called “Sally Forth” in North America, Judt, but when i was a sales rep there was even a rookie blonde saleswoman who WAS that character day in, day out, totally infused with her client at even casual after-business meals -and one of the more droll reps just called her, ‘Sally’ -so i can’t seriously consider this, and hope it was meant in fun as is my response -the smell would be my or your ‘old spice’ of course
?
unfolding patchworked quilts
her veined hands steadier now
the days would be getting longer if we could include this one, Betty -looking for quicker
each day more of the sky
filling in the emptied spaces
oops…scratch day
selfie on the ridge
as warmth suffused me
Please disregard…?
lengthening shadows
dragonflies changing into brooches
-Patrick
hi Patrick -no, can’t have more shadows -dragonflies going the way of all chitin notwithstanding
this eclipsed moon
suddenly the colour
of fallen leaves
–Marietta McGregor
—
flying foxes
blot out the sky
—
– Lorin
so where’s A. Hitchcock when you need him? scary swarm of fruit bats, Lorin -one way of saying goodbye -but, seriously, after an eclipse, no blotting out of the sky
🙂 …they do use them in ‘scary’ movies. Who’d know, except Australians, that those giant ‘vampire bats’ are really our rather sweet, totally vegetarin marsupial ‘fruit bats/ flying foxes’? (The real ‘vampire bats’ are such tiny things)
—
ok, yes I get it…no blotted out sky. 🙂
—
– Lorin
this eclipsed moon
suddenly the colour
of fallen leaves
–Marietta McGregor
windfarms visible
on the nearby hills
—
– Lorin
whoops! wind farms is not one word. . . again:
—
this eclipsed moon
suddenly the colour
of fallen leaves
–Marietta McGregor
—
wind farms visible
on the nearby hills
—
– Lorin
thusly, Lorin not “fallen” as the leaves are in the previous verse but “holding on” to their partially fungal greennness -as you’ve probably noticed, i spontaneously resist this kind of linking ‘by contrast’ but there might be a place for it here -“boulder” also sounds a pun as a being stouter, ‘bolder’ than the leaves – but i’d like it better either without “still” or as “boulder lichen/ still clinging” -i think what i resist in these kind of links is that you’re letting the previous verse carry all the seasonal ‘doping’ -relaying it finely, but without any fresh seasonal info or content independent of that verse -will look at it again, thanks
would be much more agreeable about this link, Lorin -though there is a slant rhyme to it -and by itself, it could really be in any season, but it links so firmly to fallen leaves; both because the wind would be an agent in this and the leafless trees would add visibility -my only problem is that we had “the goddess of wind” just 9 verse ago -this is going to be a tough one to chosse -but thanks
o, duh… it slipped my mind, of course no more wind after Patrick’s (superb!) verse.
No wind, no food, no fruit, no fog, no rivers , no sky, no alcohol, no trees, no flowers, no scent . . .
or maybe?
– Lorin
… and no breathing! (re “breaths” in Michael’s tai chi ku) There goes the pine plantation idea!
– Lorin
this eclipsed moon
suddenly the colour
of fallen leaves
–Marietta McGregor
—
boulder lichen
still holding on
—
– Lorin
thusly, Lorin not “fallen” as the leaves are in the previous verse but “holding on” to their partially fungal greennness -as you’ve probably noticed, i spontaneously resist this kind of linking ‘by contrast’ but there might be a place for it here -“boulder” also sounds a pun as a being stouter, ‘bolder’ than the leaves – but i’d like it better either without “still” or as “boulder lichen/ still clinging” -i think what i resist in these kind of links is that you’re letting the previous verse carry all the seasonal ‘doping’ -relaying it finely, but without any fresh seasonal info or content independent of that verse -will look at it again, thanks
Marshall, in autumn through winter I’m more familiar with the orange-coloured lichen on boulders and also on some exposed trees, though there’s a type that actually blooms on my roof slates in winter that’s grey-green. Thanks for going into detail, though. I understand what you’re getting at. Just can’t think of what might come after “fallen leaves” apart from winter, apart from spaces and lichen.
—
– Lorin
cresting the ridge
we toast with fresh cider
ah, well…wine
cheers, Judt -i’m drinking an organic wine from ‘d’Abruzzo’ -yeah, “cider” too close to the “wine cellar” however, appropriate
Yay Marietta! What a wonderful verse!
———
field of dry corn stalks
facing the combine
rows of corn
face the combine
bottom branches
empty of apples
naw, Debbie, think we should steer clear of even the mention of fruit or food -even for its lack -and be careful in a short two-liner that you don’t have consecutive lines of alliterative consonants; the ‘b’s of the first line (each beginning a word0 and the ‘p’s of “empty” and “apples” -makes it too heavy
and so for the rows of corn, Debbie -though i also don’t support the idea that a cornflower ‘faces’ anything -i like the natural realm as an inhuman one and don’t belivee making it appear ‘human’ is an ‘upgrade’ for it
Gotcha Marshall, and thanks!
Thanks Debbie! Glad you liked it.
his bugle call unwavering
as frost rims the pond
again, Betty, for our pace’s sake, this could be ‘unwavering bugler/ as frost rims the pond’ -though with the bugle-call there needs to be an answer to it in the next verse and i don’t like a ‘drama-setter’ verse in the closing section -have to think how ‘wintry’ “frost” is as well -lots to consider, thanks
Yeah, was thinking late Autumn though right now weather here still in the 90s…butterflies and snakes still about…having to rely on old old old memories of living in the northeast.
toadstools’ luminesence
overshadowed
yeah, i like these shiny mushrooms too, Barbara -and “toad -stool” would reference an amphibian; something that we haven’t had in this renku -but, alas, “… shadowed” after an “eclipsed” can’t ‘do’
crunching our pathway
to the polling station
sounds like snow or snow-pellets, Barbara, to walk through (it might be leaves or corn-stalks, but i think of snow) -just too wintry for our last autumnal verse
the withered vines
an artist’s palette
could lose the definite article at the beginning, Barbara, because of where we are -good stuff, but artist as a painter would probably be too many trips to the visual spectrum’s well, for this renku
our rush to find warmth
in old woolen sweaters
hi Barbara -to give you an idea of how we need to quicken our lines now, this could be ‘seeking the warmth/ of woolllen sweaters’ though that has too many ‘w’s -but we need more pace
here
tree squirrel busy
planting oaks
.
.
.
probably no room for another creature….but at least we haven’t yet had a rodent…and they do actually help with proliferation of oaks 🙂 🙂
(non-human creature)
yeah, but don’t like squirrels seen as ‘planters’, Judt-seems like a surrogate human
striking the hunting camp
no deer in sight
has the right pace, Paul -and lets the ‘Hunter’s Moon’ be implied as it would still be with us -this would be a ‘shoe-in’ except we already had a “empty platform” scanned -so thanks, i’ll have to thinb about that
Much obliged. ?
twilight on the rise
as clocks move back
not a perceptual experience, Mary -unless your clockpiece can levitate -twilight doesn’t know what time it is -and humans move the hands of the clock
I’ve always heard the expression, “clocks move back” in the newspaper, on tv, and people saying it the day when time shifts back an hour in autumn. I was using that expression to contrast with ” on the rise” as moving forward in the year when “twilight” increases between day and night. I rather liked the image, but I defer to your expertise as Sabaki.
the old wood stove
with cranberries popping
.
or
.
old wood stove where
cranberries bubble & pop
.
( i know I have two verbs in #2 but it makes it more lively and we want the verse to ‘quicken’ at this point)
Naw, skip #2…I know two verbs are wrong.
two verbs not necessarily wrong, Mary, if they carry the sense in their sound -but i’m wary of cranberries because of our New Year’s verse with passionfruit -and “where” is absolutely unneeded in the closing section
squashes in the oven
glazing at the edges
at this point in our renku, Betty, i think this should be ‘glazed’ “at the edges” -nice touch but concerned over throwback to food plus the continuance of pink-red to yellow-red in colour
great verse Marietta / thanks Marshall for the kind thoughts
*************
first in line
for the free flu vaccine
Thanks very much, Michael Henry.
this is quick, Michael Henry -and the action in the verse seems prompted by alacrity as well -will consider again later, thanks
upon reconsideration, Michael, the “for the free flu . . . ” is just too many ‘f’ sounds and a bit of a tongue twister
despite park wind chill
all eyes on the champion Conker
we’re quickening the tempo here, marion as we turn for a goodbye blossom verse, Marion -qualifications that begin with “despite” are for the ‘devolopment section’, not for here
looking for horse chestnuts
we find a curled up hedgehog
still taking awhile to gather up our things before leaving, Marion
seeking the best horse chestnut
to become Conker King (or Queen)
dear Marion, I’m loving your verses, so I couldn’t resist:
.
an Irish poet teaches
me how to play conkers
.
😉
🙂 🙂 🙂
Thank you, Mary!
even for fun, Mary, don’t understand how you could split “teach” from “me” by a line break
*sigh* you are right
way too long for this part of the renku, Marion
Love how the colour salmon continues into your verse without being stated, Marietta.
Thanks for the kind comment, Marion.
zigzag webs appear
in empty branches
.
or
.
a spider zigzags
across the bare twigs
okay, Mary the first one is good to reject because words like “appear” belong to the ‘development stage’ -feel how quicker it feels as “a spider zigzags/ across bare twigs” -especially well linking with “suddenly” of line two of the previous verse -if later, i woulod even prefer “spider zigzags/ across bare twigs” -every verse or at least every group of verse in a renku has or have their own particular needs of nuance -so we can’t just always know how to write each verse before actually composing and linking it in its particualr place -so, thanks -i like the second one with the “the” out of the second line
I agree with you. Thanks.
this eclipsed moon
suddenly the colour
of fallen leaves
.
–Marietta McGregor
.
.
from bare branches
the antiphony of birdsong
not terrible -just that, Mary, “The antiphony of birdsong” could never be ‘quickly spoken’ and to up the tempo, it should go in one unbroken phrase, as in ‘the anitphony of birdsong … ‘ no complex clauses or ‘qualifications written first’
Thank you Marietta and Marshall.
*
this eclipsed moon
suddenly the colour
of fallen leaves
– Marietta McGregor
*
a row of witches’ wigs
marked half price
you know, Liz Ann, you’re the first one to actually offer a linking verse to Marietta’s glowing example -and it’s a riot -talk about how the leafy have fallen! -but we’ll have to wait and see, but thanks -and what a cheery group! Thanks to all of you -and special thoughts for Michael Henry in St. Augustine, FL
i do really like this one, Liz Ann -but from the first moon verse we linked with “faded jeans . . . and granny’s specs to match” -so, women’s apparel -but also after the “balls of moss … ” exited us from the throes of the bunyip we linked with “the garden shop …” so, both distant enough if there were just one of them -but i don’t want to have two ‘reminder’ half-links in our renku, especially when one of them was just after a ‘moon verse’ as well
Thanks, Liz Ann.
Nice Marietta. It’s so compact and visual.
Thank you, Jude. 🙂
beautiful verse, Marietta!
Thanks, Barbara!
I woke up to this happy news! Thank you very much for the honour, Marshall, and for your comments about my moon verse.
You’re most welcome, Marietta -again, the originality and the cadence of the verse were both of the first order -and i’m very happy to see the praise you’re receiving from our other very dedicated renku poets -kampai
Smack dab perfect! ?
Thank you Betty! 🙂
this eclipsed moon
suddenly the colour
of fallen leaves
–Marietta McGregor
Congratulations, Marietta. I hoped this would be the choice. It’s perfect in every way. Cheers! 🙂
Thank you so much, Mary!
Bingo! (can’t say I’m surprised this time)
Congratulations, Marietta.
—
– Lorin
Thanks very much, Lorin.