The Renku Sessions: A Day of Snow 29
Greetings and welcome to The Haiku Foundation’s Fourth Renku Session: A Day of Snow. I am Marshall Hryciuk of Toronto Canada and i will be the leader of a 36-link Kasen renku. I’ve led over 40 of these linked-poem gatherings and my latest book, from Carleton Place, Canada is a selection of 15 of them, called petals in the dark.
Greetings renku revelers! Here’s our verse 29:
twelve breaths
moving as one
hour of tai chi
Michael Henry Lee
This verse continues the rich vowel-play of the previous one with a closed first line of two ‘e’ sounds surrounded by consonantal compounds. Then it opens into vowels with the open ‘u’ sound of “moving” and the open, soft ‘a’ of “as”, culminating in a third line of three triumphantly open vowel-sounds around the closed ‘o’ of “of”.
Secondly, i chose this verse for linking on the debaters’ breath made explicit but in a novel way: “breaths” being not the result of spoken words or conscious intonation but of an uncultured experience of the life force that flows from line to line with the graceful modification of a subtle surprise. Its meaning gathers as it exhales its concern for meaning. The intended exercise of an individual has become the un-self-conscious dance of life’s energy.
Thirdly, and more incidentally, it gives our renku the necessary element of an explicit quantity while yet absorbing that plurality as it progresses. Thank you very much, Michael Henry.
Now for verse 30 -and, yes, we are really here- we need 2 lines autumnal seasoning. No moons, no school references or flowers and no hemisphere-specific celebrations such as American Thanksgiving. The only necessary element we’re lacking now is a proper noun ‘Place Name’. So i’ll be looking for one of those.
Happy linking,
Marshall
A Day of Snow to Date
a day of snow
no one else
has come to the door–Marshall Hrycuik
coyote song closer
this longest night–Judt Shrode
incense lit
the scent of sage
lingers in a crowd
–Maureen Virchau
bales of the second haying
stacked to the rafters–Paul MacNeil
dust from travelers
makes its slow descent
in the moonlight–steve smolak
faded jeans, school colors
and granny’s specs to match–Betty Shropshire
facing me
a hairy bunyip points
the bones
–Barbara A. Taylor
balls of moss
exit the quaking forest
–Carmen Sterba
in the garden shop
seed packets
arrayed alphabetically
–Marilyn Potter
glasswing on the handle
of my butterfly net
–Karen Cesar
a gypsy’s forecast
uttered to the sound
of rolling dice–Lorin Ford
trick-or-treaters skip
under a new moon
–Maureen Virchau
horses’ foggy snorts
lead our morning jaunt
along the track
–Marietta McGregor
scanning an empty platform
as the train chugs off
–Shrikaanth Krishnamurthy
I sit in silence
behind the steering wheel
awhile–Paul Geiger
the ewe gently nudges
her lambs to move on
–Mary Kendall
one white tulip
in a sunlit border
glows against the green
–Marietta McGregor
another soul in the limelight
of #blacklivesmatter
–Agnes Eva Savich
Bastille Day
fireworks
extinguished
–Marion Clarke
recruitment of volunteers
for the hospice New Year’s Eve–Gabriel Sawicki
beaming with joy
the first visitor presents
a tray of passionfruit–Barbara A. Taylor
the commuter car full
of personal devices–Michael Henry Lee
with a touch of her finger
the goddess of wind
marcels the tall grasses–Patrick Sweeney
a gull’s wings barely moving
in the midday heat–Polona Oblak
if only I could fit
an arm chair
into my wine cellar–Liz Ann Winkler
a dust caked child
turning a dry spigot–Judt Shrode
week after week
the geyser spout remains
frozen solidBarbara A. Taylor
skiers debate
violet wax or blue special–kj munro
twelve breaths
moving as one
hour of tai chi–Michael Henry Lee
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Ooops, Marshall, you asked me (way back there) to be specific about the Virginia field (i.e., add a crop). Here’s the revision:
.
whistling swans forage
Virginia wheat fields
yeah, this is better, Mary -but “swans” is still too close to “a gull’s wing” in verse 24
along the Eno River
a carpet of hickory nuts
naw, Mary, “carpet” just over the line as metaphor
airing our flannels
this crisp Carolina morning
feels like autumn, alright, Mary -but a “crisp Carolina morning” probably wouldn’t happen in my imagination until it’s winter there
LOL, Marshall, there are two Carolinas if you recall. I’m in North Carolina in the middle of the state (Chapel Hill), and it was crisp and lovely this morning and it’s just early October…so it does happen. (Of course the temp can then shoot up to the high 80’s in the same day.)
shaking out soft duvets
stored in an old Maine attic
“soft” and “stored” not necessary here, Mary -and this could be in spring as well
a river swells around
the Cauvery belt
Kala Ramesh
A full river means ‘autumn’ in India , for ‘autumn’ comes after our monsoon season.
for this renku, Kala, we are trying to move away from signalling seasons through specific words toward suggesting seasonalities with ‘cues’ that are transparent to both the southern and northern hemispheres -a flooding in many parts of the world would indicate primarily a springtime event, so i wouldn’t use this here
roasted chestnuts smell
from the Place Pigalle
certainly has an autumnal, musty smell to it, Gabriel, but since our non-Anglo festival was “Bastille Day” i don’t want our Place Name to also be in France -even though our reference is to an event in Nice, that day is strongly associated with Paris, where “Place Pigalle” delightedly is
New England foliage
the echo of the leaves
beautiful sound to the first line, Lori -not sure if “echo” is the appropriate word here -i’ll have to think about this one overnight, thanks
I’m not sure echo is the right word either, but what I was thinking is that New England covers an expanse of territory and the leaves don’t all turn color at the same time, hence the idea of an echo.
White Mountains
leaves turning in the wind
this is a crisp haiku-like contrast of white peaks and coloured foliage, Lori -it’s just that in the last two of three verses, we already had that contrast of colour to white included -nice play on “turning” as well
Giants win a wildcard
spot for playoff series
not really linking, here, Paul -but i am intrigued by your distinctive ‘run-on-line’ style -i might have wrote, ‘Giant win/ to a wildcard playoff’ -and that would be too clipped for here
running of speckled trout
at Hatteras fall fishing
hey, joel -try to use something other than the season’s name to characterize a seasonal event -to me it’s what poetic writing is all about -‘show-don’t-tell’
the sudden twists and turns
of rutting Virginia deer
a bit too suggestive of a buck’s interior motions, Mary -but i appreciate that you’ve located them in Virgin -ia
whistling wings of swans
over Carolina marshes
.
or
.
whistling wings of swans
in Carolina marshes
.
.
Note: swans migrate in autumn over the Carolinas and rest there quite a while. The (now named) Tundra Swan is also called the Whistling swan because of a characteristic ‘whistling’ sound made by its wings:
” Air whistling through the wings of a swan in flight can be heard even when the bird is flying 100 feet or more overhead.” (from Cornell Ornithology Labs website)
.
my linking is of whistling with the breaths in tai chi
hi Mary -i like this sound, but like the phrase ‘whistling leaves’ even more for the sound the wind makes on deciduous leaves when they spread them parallel to the ground for a minute or more -but can’t use this because of the gull’s wings just 6 links before
squirrels nose acorns under
more leaves from Treaty Oak
sounds like these mammals are nosing something stronger than acorns, Betty -maybe something in their tea -trees?
Why, Marshall…these noble critters have been at it since the Ice Ages…jes tryin’ to keep a stash…errr, a cache…ain’t causing no trouble, officer! ☺
that’s occifer to you, Betty -MH
migrating deer traverse
Wyoming’s desert terrain
don’t really need “migrating” here, Barbara -but i agree, there needs to be some characterization of their trek (don’t have a suggestion, though)
another chilly night
on Mount Kosciuszko
hi Barbara -can’t use this because the ‘moon verse’ is next and “chilly night” is too much of a set-up -but thanks for mentioning Australia’s highest mountain peak -cheers
the path through turning oaks
in Walden Woods
Ha…brilliant, eh?
well, yeah, i think you have to commit your run-of-the mill writings to paper or email to clear the way for the inspiring/inspired stuff, Judt
toffee apples and screams
on the Luna Park Wild Mouse
“Luna Park” evokes the moon, Marietta -and that’s our next verse -okay if you didn’t know, but i can’t use this here
a flourish of dirndls
at Munich Oktoberfest
this is better, Marietta -we’ve had dearth of clothing since early on -and well-cadenced in sound -so thanks
my friend on Heath Place
waltzing with her leaf broom
Or
.
my Canberra friend waltzing
with her leaf broom
don’t really want a dance to link with tai chi, Marietta -too close
so too, a dance
Lake Superior at dawn
one-hundred chills
don’t want to have a number right after we’ve had a our first number, “twelve” in the previous verse, Todd -but you certainly get the frigidity across
because of frost the canoe is slow
Au Train River
yeah, you have to avoid our Western tendency to ’cause-and-effect’ writing, Todd
hard frost on copper mining waste
Keweenaw dawns
I like this one, Todd -first line feels a bit long, but the “hard” does seem appropriate here -problematic in its twist as a link and readers might think “hard frost” must indicate winter -but thanks, i’ll consider this one again
yeah, Todd -this probably happens when the calendar says ‘fall’ but it’s really a winter verse
caught in a London fog
gardeners still rake leaves
.
or
.
unexpected London fog
finds gardeners raking leaves
can’t believe any Londoner who feels responsible for raking leaves would ever be surprised by fog there, Mary -so either, “caught” or “unexpected” seems unnatural here -and their fallen leaves are mainly unremarkable too
migrating ducks dabble
in the Great Dismal Swamp
yeah, “ducks”, just too soon after “gulls”, Mary
an arc of waterfowl
leaving Quebec
there’s Quebec on both sides of the St. Lawrence, Mary so i’m guessing you mean ‘leaving the Gaspe (accent egout)’ for the ocean – really don’t think wildlife give a fig about provincial, state or national borders -“leaving the peninsula” would make a better haiku – “the Gaspe Peninsula’ if you were trying to offer a Place Name link but we’ve had “gulls” just 5 links back
buying pumpkin pie spices
at the Lucky market
“Lucky market” has a nice, ethnic Chinese feel to it, Paul -but still too close to the “tray of passionfruit” in our New Year’s verse -and 3 open ‘i’ sounds in the first line too jarring
in a crisp Canberra dawn
the roar of rising balloons
Or
over Lake Burley Griffin
the drift and roar of balloons
this one has a ‘fall fair’ feel, Marietta but is not specifically autumnal, nor can balloons be said to “roar”
Hi Marshall, if you’ve stood in a hot-air balloon gondola when they fire up the gas, by goodness, they roar! Enough to make you jump, even though the pilot warns you! In our parts, not sure about yours, hot-air balloons go up in Autumn, because that’s the time of more gentle winds. And it’s gorgeous here in Canberra, floating over the changing leaves on a chilly morning. I guess I’m making too many assumptions that the poem can’t communicate.
sorry, Marietta, i really misunderstood this one -maybe you have to say ‘hot-air balloons’ or ‘helium balloons’ -travelling this way is very rare anywhere i’ve been in North America
Re: hot-air balloons in the US
.
You may not see this Marshall, but check out the big international hot air balloon fest in Albuquerque happening around now!
isn’t it “the roar” that rises up from the crowd with the balloons, Marietta?
Hey, Marshall…I have ridden in a hot air balloon in Arizona. The burner used by the pilot intermittently to heat the air indeed roared at such close quarters in the gondola…was extremely hot as well.
No, Marshall, the small crowds who come to watch ballooning are pretty subdued as the balloons take off before dawn!
a deeper sweetness in Alsace
as grapes succumb to Noble Rot
Or
a deep sweetness in Alsace
as grapes shrivel nobly
this one is better, Marietta, for “succumb” because it sounds negative but actually improves their taste -but these lines need to somehow be compressed or made into a 3 liner -and them the question of ‘how does it link?’
should be -‘and then there’s the question . . .’-MH
Philosophers’ Walk accompanied
by turning maples and matcha
well, Marietta, I don’t want us to speed up just yet, but the first line is too long by a lot, and the second by just a bit -and don’t know what “matcha” is
matcha – green tea
thank-you-MH
at Mt. Kurokami
my bagel-ears are cold
-Patrick
this is very far-a-field, Patrick from a flowing hour of tai chi -“bagel-ears” is new to me -do you ear a ring through your lobes?
silence
broken by the smell
of woodsmoke
“silence” is always tricky to write about, Edna -here, we’re just 3 links we away from a “geyser spout” that’s “frozen solid” -part of whose magnificence would its silence where we’d expect loud gushes -but also on its own grounds, does a scent necessarily ‘break’ silence? perhaps it breaks the aura of stillness but i think smoke could still drift through silence if people didn’t break it, speaking as they notice it -like how “smell” also connotes “spell” to me though
Blue whales breeching
in a farewell to Quebec
too anthropomorphic, MH?
.
.
how about if I leave off “in” and make it an observation:
.
Blue whales breech
farewell to Quebec
no, even leaving of the “in” out, you’re putting words in their airholes, Mary
tundra swans resting
in Mattamuskeet Refuge
.
(note: Mattamuskeet Refuge is a wildlife sanctuary on the coast of North Carolina)
would be a fine link somewhere else, Mary -but the skiers’ breaths have already been taken up in the previous verse and to have a group “resting” would be too repetitious
whistling swans forage
the fields in Virgina
.
or
.
whistling swans
gleaning Virginia fields
prefer the “whistling swans forage” one, Mary -but the second line lets us down -need something specific in or of Virgina they forage -or, “Virginian . . . “
Thank you and congratulations , Michael!
—————–
traffic winding
along Spoon River Drive
original “traffic” setting for a link, Debbie -and you include a river but not the water of it as well as a Place Name, thanks -will be considering this one again
Thanks, Marshall. Here in central Illinois, there is a fall tradition of driving along a route by the Spoon River, to see the trees changing colors and also people set up tables and sell things beside the road.
not this time, Debbie -i think i wanted just a little more to this link
leaves & water tumble
in Niagara Falls
true enough, Mary, but no special link here
even in Provence
leaves must fall
“even” is quizzical, Mary -and we need two more verses of ‘normal’ length before we speed to a close in our 5 verse denouement -also need to avoid proverbial phrases
Canada’s maple leaf
travels with a Duchess
to my chagrin, Marilyn -but perhaps not to yours -I wish too much that we were a Presidential Democracy to include this one, Marilyn
lingering in Adlestrop
the clear notes of a blackbird
lingering in Adlestrop
crushed conkers up the main street
Is this in Gloucestershire, U.K., Rose -seems a bit obscure with a very tenuous link with “lingering” on the “hour of tai chi”
“blackbirds” like thrushes can have very clear and beautiful sounds, Rose -but we had “gulls” just 6 verses before
Wow Thanks For the Honor
********************
a hint of steam rises
off the Calumet river
you’re most welcome, Michael -and nice return verse too -going from mostly horizontal to subtly vertical, complete with Place Name -but you can’t link with your own verse
understood just like the challenge of creating a good verse
the last rays warm up
a Belfast peace wall
this has the end of day analogy to the end of the year, but really, Marion, this could be in any season
the deep chill of mist
on the Royal Canal
this is more convincingly autumnal, Marion -I would like the country of the “Royal Canal” for satisfying our proper noun, Place Name, however -i’m guessing it’s in Ireland
the deep chill of mist
on Dublin’s Royal Canal
the rasp of a field mouse
on the scarecrow’s face
“rasp”, certainly an original association for a mouse, Marion -so thanks for that -but with its ‘s’ sound it makes even the slant rhyme of “mouse” to “face” too heavy
I think I cheated a little here, Marshall, as I borrowed the image from a three-liner I had published on John McManus’s audio journal ‘Frozen Butterfly’
rasp of stubble . . .
a field mouse climbs
the scarecrow’s cheek
late afternoon rays cooled
by mist on the Mournes
I know, Marion, that “mist” is usually associated with autumn in haiku, but this seems as if it could just as well be in spring
twelve breaths
moving as one
hour of tai chi
– Michael Henry Lee
.
in Venice gondoliers
redouble their serenades
“redouble” sounds too military for here, Marietta -also “breaths” to singing is probably going to be too close
lovely verse Michael Henry.
going with the flow
Nimbin’s turning leaves
or
Nimbin’s turning leaves
going with the flow
joins with the tai chi a little too closely for me, Barbara
again this year we glory
in the leaves of Vermont
like the ‘g’ sounds in the first line, Judt -but “we glory” sounds a bit too archaic for here -and inadvertently, brings to mind, ‘old glory’ for a moniker for the U.S. flag
Certainly not wanting Old Glory this fall!!
along the Sheboygan
salmon anglers drift fishing
this is wonderful, Betty -the anglers could be ‘adrift’ in the river or they could be ‘drift fishing’ -I just need to be assured you mean the river in Wisconsin and that you can fish for salmon that far inland (would be through Lake Michigan, ultimately, then out to the ocean)
https://youtu.be/t9nONhjRHfM
Hope the link works, Marshall as it was a video I saw on fall salmon run on the Sheboygan River
and thanks! ?
yes, saw the link, so they must come in through the Great Lakes -thanks, Betty
here’s this too:
http://www.travelwisconsin.com/article/things-to-do/fall-means-world-class-musky-salmon-action
As side topic, Marshall, I’ve googled Lake MI salmon, and most of them are _originally_ from the Pacific, one type from the Atlantic. Stocked decades ago… never naturally there in the Lakes. They have maintained their genetic code to spawn at maturity and die. BUT they never get to salt water in their lives. The Great Lakes are their “ocean.” For all the salmonids, gravel beds up streams with a good flow of water are where the eggs are laid in the fall, to hatch come warmer times in spring. They just now only return to the depths of all the great lakes.
Also, there are endemic populations, Maine for instance, of a smaller but true salmon called Landlocked Salmon. Isolated from the Atlantic thousands of years ago, they have evolved to also spawn in fresh water, but like their Atlantic ancestors do not die in the process. A delicious gamefish to eat, just smaller… and fun to catch.
Mostly in the Canadian Maritimes, there are large runs of huge ocean-going Atlantic Salmon. Some return to the Ocean. Used to be in New England, but dams have ruined the runs.
Hi Paul, I’ve been pondering the impliacations of natural born. Given that I am a volunteer at a Texas state park that borders Mexico and which has pictographs that date back at least 4000 years and evidence for human occupation of at least 8000 years. The landscape, the flora and fauna have been radically altered certainly and various researchers careers are built on ascribing meaning to those pictographs and whose descendants (if any) they would most likely be. Ultimately, everyone in my home state of Texas are non-native which now creates a pathos for me…it has been coming for some time especially the whole political hysteria surrounding the wall….I feel I have entered the twilight zone literally.
Given the whole great lakes salmon enterprise has been going since 1850 and in large part, unsuccessfully until the ’60s most likely, it may not ‘fly’….yet I too am literally the result of having been transplanted…yet like the great lake salmon, I too have followed my genetic imperative….not sure if I’ve been successful! But I will still flail away at the most cool Japanese poetry form nonetheless.
Best regards,
Betty
thanks, Paul and Betty, both – I think now we can confidently still call them ‘salmon’
along the Sheboygan
salmon anglers drift fishing
-Betty
I like the verse, but isn’t there a problem with returning to the last-but-one verse?
This is what I mean:
a) skiers debate
violet wax or blue special
—
(category: Recreational Sport)
—
b)
twelve breaths
moving as one
hour of tai chi
—
c)
along the Sheboygan
salmon anglers drift fishing
—
(Category: Recreational Sport)
—
– Lorin
on 5th Avenue the mime
wraps an endless muffler
on 5th Avenue the mime
dons a scarf and jacket
from tai chi practice to a mime feels too close, Judt
in Central Park his lute case
filling with colored leaves
sly irony here, Judt, that it’s not with green money or coinage that’s filling his case -first line bothers me when i read it with the previous verse -thanks for trying to get the Place name in -but i think it would just upset the flow here
a new coolness
stirs the poplars of Bright
—
Bright:
http://www.brightvictoria.com.au/
—
– Lorin
not sure it’s fair of you, Lorin, to keep using props for your offerings (lol) -and apt that you use a very jazzy rhyme in the first line and have nothing open again til the proper noun Place Name -“stirs” as a transitive verb a problem though, but thanks
Props? !!!
Do you mean the url? If so, the reason I included it is: who in Canada or the USA would’ve heard of Bright?! I included it so you’d know of it and not think I made it up!
It’s early in the season as I imagined would be required, I don’t see any problem with ‘stirs’, the ku works in with the tai chi and ‘Bright’ works secondarily (at a tangent) as an adjectival echo, though it’s a proper name.
I’m sorry it doesn’t work for you. It works for me.
– Lorin
ps I deliberately used “the poplars of Bright” with the verb (which can’t be anything but transitive, surely?) not just for the cadence but to suggest that the trees have a certain dignity. These trees are not native. After the first world war, Lombardy poplars were planted in avenues in many Australian country towns as living memorials.
Yep, I understand that this one has been dismissed & probably nobody wants to know any of this, but I want to tell it.
– Lorin
Well, I love the idea of French poplars as a living memorials in Australia, Lorin, 🙂
Thank you, Marion.:-) I guess you’ve worked out by now that some of the bitzer I am is Irish. 🙂
– Lorin
Like Marion, I love knowing this as well. Thanks for sharing the notes with us, Lorin. I also agree about ‘stirs’ as a transitive verb. It’s a lovely word choice to my ear.
I thoroughly enjoy what you have to say, Lorin!
thanks for letting us know your feelings, Lorin -i might have suggested, ‘stirs in’ but i can tell now you like your verse just the way it is -and i’m glad the memorial poplars of Bright, Australia have become part of this renku’s conversation -MH
Interesting to come back & read your comment here at a later date, Marshal. I now understand what you meant.
Yes, with the right line break “stirs in” would’ve worked.
“a new coolness stirs
in the poplars…”
—
With the wrong line break, it would seem as if the new coolness was making soup! 🙂
—
– Lorin
.
twelve breaths
moving as one
hour of tai chi
.
–Michael Henry Lee
.
caught in a gusty London fog
gardeners rake the last leaves
I realize those are long lines, Marshall, so maybe this is preferable:
.
.
in a gusty London fog
gardeners rake last leaves
it’s not so much the length, Mary, but that there are so many adjectives (=qualifiers) -enriching the verse without dimming the nouns is a main part of the challenge
Got it!!
Michael Henry, congratulations on giving us a wonderful transition with your tai chi verse.
.
.
twelve breaths
moving as one
hour of tai chi
.
–Michael Henry Lee
.
the last leaves wrestle free
from old London plane trees
.
don’t like “wrestle” here, Mary -makes even the plane tree anthropomorphic
Hmmm, ok. I was using wrestle to link with tai chi here. We have some trees that don’t easily let go of leaves until there are strong winds. That said, I shall continue to listen and learn about renku. Namaste.
autumn gusts mix
foliage with his Argyle sweater
or
autumn gusts mix
foliage and his argyle* sweater
*Argyle = the required “place name” (= “land of the Gaels”), thoughI wasn’t sure if the place name needs to be a noun(?).
try, Theresa, to write of this activity without saying the word, “autumn” -I know gusts could happen anytime but writing “autumn” is just semantic overkill for me
Thanks, Marshall, for your feedback and suggestion. I agree; I think I can be more creative. I’ll see what I can come up with!
–Theresa