The Renku Sessions: A Day of Snow 27
Greetings and welcome to The Haiku Foundation’s Fourth Renku Session: A Day of Snow. I am Marshall Hryciuk of Toronto Canada and i will be the leader of a 36-link Kasen renku. I’ve led over 40 of these linked-poem gatherings and my latest book, from Carleton Place, Canada is a selection of 15 of them, called petals in the dark.
Greetings, renku fans everywhere. We have our verse 27. It is:
week after week
the geyser spout remains
frozen solid
Barbara A. Taylor
“Gravitas” i found defined in my Oxford dictionary as ‘solemn seriousness.’ This was certainly the tone of Judt Shrode’s verse 26. Linking to it, Barbara has contributed a link by closeness; “spout” is so close to “spigot” that it supplants it, and by distance; the magnificence of the natural realm contrasted to the moral poverty of the human one.
The “spout” is lasting “week after week,” but it too is momentary; like winter, like all life. And people, for all their failed culture, may still have the wherewithal to stop and be amazed at something so astounding. Perhaps even in the dead of winter.
“Spout” is clearly the pivotal word, bringing to mind not just the portal of a faucet and the outlet of a water spray but also waterspouts; tornadoes over the sea and too, the air holes of dolphins and whales whence they blow clean when they surface to breathe the air.
Actually, in all its magnificence, Barbara has understated this phenomenon and maintained a degree of matching reserve. “Week after week” adds a touch of levity, playing upon the weakness the frozen fountain doesn’t have while giving the measure of the spout’s endurance by the length of time it takes us to adjoin a new link to our renku: weekly. Thank you very much, Barbara.
Now on to the next verse; a 2 liner of wintry seasonality -not needing to be so spectacular but just as focused on a particular activity or scene or event that would associate us with winter wherever we experienced it.
Happy linking,
Marshall
A Day of Snow to Date
a day of snow
no one else
has come to the door–Marshall Hrycuik
coyote song closer
this longest night–Judt Shrode
incense lit
the scent of sage
lingers in a crowd
–Maureen Virchau
bales of the second haying
stacked to the rafters–Paul MacNeil
dust from travelers
makes its slow descent
in the moonlight–steve smolak
faded jeans, school colors
and granny’s specs to match–Betty Shropshire
facing me
a hairy bunyip points
the bones
–Barbara A. Taylor
balls of moss
exit the quaking forest
–Carmen Sterba
in the garden shop
seed packets
arrayed alphabetically
–Marilyn Potter
glasswing on the handle
of my butterfly net
–Karen Cesar
a gypsy’s forecast
uttered to the sound
of rolling dice–Lorin Ford
trick-or-treaters skip
under a new moon
–Maureen Virchau
horses’ foggy snorts
lead our morning jaunt
along the track
–Marietta McGregor
scanning an empty platform
as the train chugs off
–Shrikaanth Krishnamurthy
I sit in silence
behind the steering wheel
awhile–Paul Geiger
the ewe gently nudges
her lambs to move on
–Mary Kendall
one white tulip
in a sunlit border
glows against the green
–Marietta McGregor
another soul in the limelight
of #blacklivesmatter
–Agnes Eva Savich
Bastille Day
fireworks
extinguished
–Marion Clarke
recruitment of volunteers
for the hospice New Year’s Eve–Gabriel Sawicki
beaming with joy
the first visitor presents
a tray of passionfruit–Barbara A. Taylor
the commuter car full
of personal devices–Michael Henry Lee
with a touch of her finger
the goddess of wind
marcels the tall grasses–Patrick Sweeney
a gull’s wings barely moving
in the midday heat–Polona Oblak
if only I could fit
an arm chair
into my wine cellar–Liz Ann Winkler
a dust caked child
turning a dry spigot–Judt Shrode
week after week
the geyser spout remains
frozen solidBarbara A. Taylor
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resting on a mountain-top
the tired skier spors another summit
at the top of a mountain
skier views another summit
with harnesses ready
the sled dogs give a shake
with harnesses slipped on
the sled dogs give a shake
let’s pare it down:
.
harnessed and ready
the sled dogs give a shake
.
all harnessed and ready
the sled dogs give a shake
all harnessed and ready
the sled dogs give a shake
Sorry for the duplicate…not sure quite how that other went through since it didn’t show up on my screen. My apologies.
they all came through here, Mary -but we’re on the road and getting wifi to get the new verse intro was a problem -so I failed to reply on Wednesday, but I can tell you now that this offering is just fine as an image -just didn’t like the sound of “sled dogs give a shake” -but thanks for all your offerings
tasting drops of water
from melting icicles
“icicles’ too close to the “frozen solid” geyser spout, joel -but keep ’em comin’ -I like that you’ve left it open as to whether it’s a human or animal that’s doing the “tasting”
so many hands outstreached
at the street braziers
I found a typo, it should be:
so many hands outstretched
at the street braziers
playing on the human need for heat to signify winter is acceptable, Maria, but i’m looking for a positive push in ‘cold’s’ direction -I do like that “outstretched” could be for both warmth and aid -though again that would ‘link back’ to the “dust caked child”
mending a reindeer
on the Norwegian sock
I like that you’ve offered a detailed link here, Maria, in contrast to the outdoor magnificence of the previous verse -the fancifulness of the first line a little too much for here -and really, this could be done in any season not just winter
the hum of the zamboni
as it enters the rink
nice sound and cadence to this one, Liz Ann -have to consider whether i want this link to be ‘indoors’ -but thanks
the chinking of ice
shard upon shard
crunching of ice not a welcome sound, here, Mary -as with the one before
layers of ice shards
in the icebreaker’s wake
.
or
.
the icebreaker’s wake
filled with gulls and seals
Oops, I used “ice” twice in this one:
.
layers of ice shards
in the icebreaker’s wake
.
.
let’s change that to this:
.
a flow of crackling shards
in the icebreaker’s wake
after the majesty of the frozen spout, Mary, we don’t want an “icebreaker” -bit of a ‘buzz-kill’
billy tea brewed at Uluru
sure warms the cockles
because of the significance of the Uluru World Heritage Site, Marietta, being there would match the frozen spout in magnificence -which we don’t want -also, still a ’cause-and-effect’ moment
patterns in the hallway
left by wellington boots
brings me back to when i used to walk my son to school, Marietta -little too sedate for what i’m looking for here though -seems that all the excitement has already happened -we’re not quite at that place in our renku yet
gales of laughter buffets
the howl of a blue norther
oops…should be,
gales of laughter buffet
th howl of a blue norther
giggles with each sentence read
beneath a down comforter
knee-high socks with sandals
de rigueur for the blue hairs
Us geezers in the south nod to winter ?
and fairly hilarious nods they are too, Betty, comforters, blue hairs and all. Around here you’d be buffeting a ‘nor’easter’ -but not for Lent. I wonder what Jimmy Buffet does in a storm?
Well, he does have his License to Chill…
again I shake off the stars
from my down jacket
interesting word “stars”, Maria -i’m guessing it’s how snowflakes ‘sit up’ on some fabrics -also, “down” is multivalent as in both ‘feather down’ and the opposite direction from the geyser spout -as it is though, “stars” is just too ambiguous here
a wind chill factor
with every forecast
yes, Michael, good indicator of when winter’s here (in the northern part of the north at least) -fairly devoid of sensual appeal, though -have to reconsider this, thanks
the first time ski jumper
taking a leap of faith
we have no way of knowing this, Mary -this is of an emotion ascribed by one person to another without knowing if it’s true of the former -gotta avoid doing this
Hmmm, not sure I get it, Marshall. I can’t imagine any human being doing those long, long, ski jumps and then flowing into the air parallel to their skis. It has to be an act of faith as much as skill. I didn’t intend emotion at all.
ok, I promise these will be my last two “whipped by wind” offerings, lol:
.
whipped by wind
the dogsled pushes on
.
or
.
whipped by wind
an ice boat shoots ahead
hi Mary -second one gives too much agency to the wind -and the first one reminds us that there is a human who has a whip, usually hitting the snow with it -and adds a degree of sluggishness to our renku that we don’t want to incur
Jamaican toboggan team
hurtles to victory
Jamaican toboggan team
slides to victory
just being in a competition would be a triumph for them, Aalix, you’re right -bit too much of a let-down though after the majesty of the previous verse
thick red sweater
pulled on backwards
guess you’re linking with the ‘strangeness’, Judt, of the frozen spout by writing “wrong foot’ or “pulled on backwards” but I find i’m looking for something with more sensual appeal than that
red woolly slippers
on the wrong feet
fair enough, Judt -but extremely removed from the frozen spout
one singing cardinal
brings it all to life
“cardinal” would appear in winter, but it’s song reminds us more of spring than wintriness, Judt -not looking for an escape from winter here
long stillness
after the migration
we already have one from you, Judt, with “longest” -too much reinforcement of the “week after week” as well
Thank you , Barbara, for such a wonderful verse! 🙂
——————-
outside the window
bare limbs reach up
hi Debbie -first line is one i always feel sounds clumsy in my own verse -don’t know how to improve it -second line repeats the motion of the frozen geyser -which we don’t want to add to our renku
Thanks Marshall!
ruddy cheeks and high fives
after the big moguls
link from magnificent nature to adrenaline-high skiers well-done, Betty -have to consider whether this is too close as a parallel motion to the previous verse -but thanks
schussing on fresh powder
we sing, “let it go”
liked that song better, Betty, when the cop was singing along at a ‘stop’ sign on you tube
children, warned of down-pointed icicles
on entrance and exit of school
Mojde
way too long and wordy, Mojde -warning signs not often looked at, let alone, heeded in our renku -but we do like to be brief and evocative
Thank you very much!
jamais vu
the impostor’s paisley scarf
-Patrick
‘never seen’, eh, Patrick -could even be ‘i was loving you’ too if your French is bad enough (j’amais vous instead of je vous aime) reminds me of The Scarlet Pimpernal too -and ‘scarf” is a winter indicator though the verse has nothing to do with winter “they seek him here/ they seek him there” -the Kinks, “Dedicated Follower of Fashion”
should be ‘pimpernel’ -thanks Patrick
under the ice
a boneyard from another time
under the ice
bones from another age
fishing for trout
in an ice hole
this one, Marilyn, doesn’t have enough sensual or emotional appeal to follow such a momentous verse
ah, so this is the one, Marilyn, from the previous link-offerings -shifts the implied ice from verticle to explicit and horizontal -still a surprising haunting feel to it – will look at this one again, thanks
no, don’t think “boneyard” fits here, Marilyn
with beard and brows iced over
the man trudges forward
you know, Mary, line-ending prepositions not one of my favourites (smile) -i’d prefer something like ‘trudging ahead/ ice on his brow, in his beard’ -“ahead” here adding a degree of complexity besides its semantic function -and this still wouldn’t be a strong enough link to the geyser spout to be included
yeah, I was backing this one … pity I didn’t really have money on it 🙂
Congratulations, Barbara.
—
cheers,
Lorin
skating with bent knees
she won the contest
good cadence to this, Vasile -have to reconsider this one again too, for the link to the unstated ‘ice’
mittens needed today
to peg out the long johns
now that’s ‘cold on cold’, Marietta -need to consider this one again, thanks
whisking cream into peaks
for our bed-time hot chocolate
lovely idea, Marietta, but it actually repeats the formation of the geyser spout -though the switch from outdoors to indoors is very enticing
week after week
the geyser spout remains
frozen solid
– Barbara A. Taylor
.
for cabin fever he suggests
a beer stein of egg-nog
suggestive guy, eh, Marietta -the verse, however is too soon after “my wine cellar”
on the storm-swept field
the sledge contest goes on
nice overall image, Vasile -but beginning and ending a verse with a preposition; here: “on” ‘just won’t do’ in English-language poetry
they trace another ski track
humming a chanty of long ago
oh, so something like ‘they ski a further track/ humming an old folksong” -this would be okay, just want something more than ‘okay -but thanks, Vasile
they trace another track
crooning a former song
intriguing, Vasile, in that the first line implies a “track” possibly of skiing or skateboarding, then, “crooning” relates it to a vinyl or digital “track” of music -“former”, however ruins it for me in its dullness -could you be a little more specific about what is being sung? -and consider whether “trace” as a verb is really needed here
the atomic ice breaker
rediscovers a forgotten way
“atomic” a little heavy here, Vasile -and the second line is just too long
skiers debate
violet wax or blue special
like this one, kj -skiers as if down the spout -the colours at the same end of the spectrum -nice mix of open and closed vowels -thanks
Spectacular image, Barbara! How fortunate to see it.
Amazing image, Barbara!
.
.
.
mugs of ginger tea
warming us to the core
nice response, Judt -though i can’t use it as a link because “tea” too soon after the “wine” in the “my wine cellar” -but i especially enjoyed that Barbara’s verse never actually says, ‘ice’
Gosh! Thank you, Marshall. Pleased you liked that image
as a suitble link. Thank you Mary.
yer welcome, Barbara -just write ’em like yah see em, eh?
Marshall, last round you suggested i try to use a verse by condensing it and without its awkward simile:
.
the original:
.
whipped by wind
our breath now frozen
like colorless cotton candy
.
“…just don’t like the blatant simile of the last line, Mary -perhaps you could compress this for the next link of two lines -without a simile”
.
ok, here goes (apologies for the multiples all in one go):
.
.
whipped by wind
our breath now numb
.
whipped by wind
our breath a frozen fog
.
whipped by wind
our breath a shivery cloud
.
whipped by wind
our breath a rimy mist
Duh! I used frozen in verse 2. Sorry. Delete that one. Apologies.
okay, Mary, thanks for trying this out -when you have a strong alliteration as the “w’s of “whipped by wind” in your first line it is best to avoid a second one for the whole verse -so, in #1, there is “now numb”, #2, has “frozen”, as you note -#3and 4 are fine in this regard but “shivery” in #3 is a kinaesthetic sensation attributed to a cloud (which is metaphorical of breath) and “rimy” in #4 just sounds too much like the more common, ‘grimy’ -that is the opposite, i think, of the effect you were looking for -so i think we should move on from trying to line a condensation of breath to the geyser spout
Thanks for your thoughts on this…much appreciated.
I’d like to congratulate Barbara on her truly wonderful verse. I thought this would be the one from the start because of its stunning image.
.
Marshall, your comments on the choice were great to read. It made me see this verse as having yet more layers as part of the whole renku. I’m learning so much from everyone here in my first renku attempt. Thank you to Barbara, Marshall and all the excellent poets whose offerings always make for good reading.
you’re most welcome, Mary-MH
splitting just enough wood
to keep us all warm
ecological wood-chopping, Michael, but the link is onkly ‘the cold’ -that is also unstated in the previous verse
the city streets sparkle
in freezing rain
“freezing” too close to “frozen”, Michael
the luxury of football
in a cozy dome
nice link, Michael, of “dome” to the frozen geyser spout, but i have to consider the summarizing of “the luxury” -but thanks
too much ice
to move the trucks
note, Aalix, how in the previous verse there is stasis, but the “week after week” of the first line keeps the renku in motion -this verse, as a link, would mean our renku would stop, or at least pause, and the next link would have to ‘catapult over’ or ‘surge through’ it -and i want each of our links to ‘relay’ at an equal weight, if not an equal emotional weight
standing still
her snowy hair
repeats, just a little too much, Aalix, the stasis of the geyser spout
the soldier’s shoulders
covered by sleet
no, Aalix, ‘tongue twisters’ seem a burlesque mockery of the rest of the renku
next door’s chimney smoke
huddles up with ours
“huddles” is original, but still too subjectively additive, Marion
the crunch underfoot
accompanied by a caw
good, Marion, but I think the “Jack Frost” one links better
he tells us that Jack Frost
uses the typeface ‘Chiller’
this one, Marion, is imaginative without overdoing it -thanks, i’ll consider it again, later
my son follows his breath
all the way to the bird table
“son” still too close to the “child” of verse 26, Marion
a homeless man’s breath
mingles with the stars
a little too much hyperbole, here, Marion
an icy blast from the shore
plays a broken mandolin
gently humourous personification is still too much ‘self’ for me, Marion
children and ducks slide
on the village pond
hi Marion -we had a “dust caked child” just two verses agao