The Renku Sessions: A Day of Snow 26
Greetings and welcome to The Haiku Foundation’s Fourth Renku Session: A Day of Snow. I am Marshall Hryciuk of Toronto Canada and i will be the leader of a 36-link Kasen renku. I’ve led over 40 of these linked-poem gatherings and my latest book, from Carleton Place, Canada is a selection of 15 of them, called petals in the dark.
Hello to renku contributors, followers and browsers everywhere! We have our verse 26 It is:
a dust caked child
turning a dry spigot
Judt Shrode
I asked for a verse of two lines and of no particular season. These two lines are painfully apt in that there are starving children trying to drink unsafe water not only in every season but, further, on every continent where children live.
“Wine”, both as a fluid and as an icon for celebration is saliently linked with here in the negative. The “child” is “dust caked;” reduced to an inhuman condition of a near desiccated animal in its destitution. Further the “spigot” -such a brutal word when paired with “child” -holds the portent of a fluid that is non-existent: “dry.”
This may be close to back-linking at a literal level as we seem to be regressing to a “dry” condition induced by the overbearing “heat” of the sun but my intent here is to insist on using this link to emphasize that this child is not suffering from a naturally occurring tragedy of drought but primarily from geopolitical neglect by the powers that control their and our resources. The force of an economic and political will that inflicts scarcity the most on those who can least fend for or defend themselves: children. They are “turning a dry spigot;” attempting to survive, to ‘turn the page’ and achieve an existence but here the promise of a flow they can tap for this has gone empty. Perfectly not a situation to wish for an “arm chair.” Just another aspect of how i find these lines so apposite by being so opposite in attitude -without taking away from the quality of that previous wish in the “wine cellar.” In fact, they enrich each other. Thank you very much, Judt.
We need to shift again. This time to 3 lines in the winter seasonality. Inside or outside of a dwelling but let’s keep our renku global by not suggesting links that make Christmas or New Year’s necessarily wintry. Also, because of their strong presence at our renku’s beginning, let’s have no use of ‘snow’ or references to solstice or canines for this one.
Happy linking,
Marshall
A Day of Snow to Date
a day of snow
no one else
has come to the door–Marshall Hrycuik
coyote song closer
this longest night–Judt Shrode
incense lit
the scent of sage
lingers in a crowd
–Maureen Virchau
bales of the second haying
stacked to the rafters–Paul MacNeil
dust from travelers
makes its slow descent
in the moonlight–steve smolak
faded jeans, school colors
and granny’s specs to match–Betty Shropshire
facing me
a hairy bunyip points
the bones
–Barbara A. Taylor
balls of moss
exit the quaking forest
–Carmen Sterba
in the garden shop
seed packets
arrayed alphabetically
–Marilyn Potter
glasswing on the handle
of my butterfly net
–Karen Cesar
a gypsy’s forecast
uttered to the sound
of rolling dice–Lorin Ford
trick-or-treaters skip
under a new moon
–Maureen Virchau
horses’ foggy snorts
lead our morning jaunt
along the track
–Marietta McGregor
scanning an empty platform
as the train chugs off
–Shrikaanth Krishnamurthy
I sit in silence
behind the steering wheel
awhile–Paul Geiger
the ewe gently nudges
her lambs to move on
–Mary Kendall
one white tulip
in a sunlit border
glows against the green
–Marietta McGregor
another soul in the limelight
of #blacklivesmatter
–Agnes Eva Savich
Bastille Day
fireworks
extinguished
–Marion Clarke
recruitment of volunteers
for the hospice New Year’s Eve–Gabriel Sawicki
beaming with joy
the first visitor presents
a tray of passionfruit–Barbara A. Taylor
the commuter car full
of personal devices–Michael Henry Lee
with a touch of her finger
the goddess of wind
marcels the tall grasses–Patrick Sweeney
a gull’s wings barely moving
in the midday heat–Polona Oblak
if only I could fit
an arm chair
into my wine cellar–Liz Ann Winkler
a dust caked child
turning a dry spigot–Judt Shrode
This Post Has 178 Comments
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I see it and assume it is Northern Hemisphere, USA? (You are a day behind :))will try to make it from now on.
ooops–can you repost when is deadline. (I will have to translate it for Southern Hemisphere)
bundled up
we get to try out
our new anoraks
soldiers
march on
through the freezing rain
not just grannies, Aalix, but by the time i got this we were 18 hours after deadline (midnight Tuesday night) -but be good to see what you send for the next one
ooops, forgot about granny in the previous verse
Auntie
slips on the ice
by the front gate
Grandmother
slips on the ice
by the front gate
under the ice
faces of soldiers
Sorry missed the 3rd line
under the ice
faces of soldiers
from another age
this is haunting, Marilyn -but I want something more in the ‘big, bold and beautiful’ vein for this link -could you perhaps compress this into a 2 liner for the next one?
thanks Marshall that is very encouraging.
I am enjoying having a go at participating in this my first try at renku
.
Out of practice composing renku verses, and I am aware white is said in verse two, but hoping enough distance?
Is white a color? Para-rhetorical.
.
.
Renku verse candidate:
.
.
if only I could fit
an arm chair
into my wine cellar
.
–Liz Ann Winkler
.
a dust caked child
turning a dry spigot
.
–Judt Shrode
.
the smell of white
across the burning
of fresh letters
.
Alan Summers
.
.
hi Alan -good to hear from you, again -white is a colour and was used in the blossom verse, this time explicitly -and besides that in v.19 we had “fireworks” -these pretty much sideline “white” and “fire-anything” or “burning” for the rest of the renku -I know, its hard to come back in without reading all of the links (and even some of the comments) but I hope you stay with us for the denouement
bare trees against
the gray sky
a parade of stick figures
a slight move backward, joel, into using a summary third line -keep trying, please and just let the trees and the skies figure themselves
the heating bills rise
for them that may
afford it
stating the cold season by a commercial reaction not my cup of tea, Michael -renku relay best when there’s no sense of agency in any one verse
the shelter
asks for extra blankets
and coats
too close to the hospice about 10 verses back, Michael
an icy wind
blows our currach
into the harbour
shows fierce cold, and has a nice arcane word, Marion, but the stiff ’cause-and-effect’ controlling the verse is too much for here
Drat – I’m always falling into that trap, Marshall!
with a twig
he tries to touch
the frozen sun
.
or
.
he tries to touch
the frozen sun
with a twig
I wrote this originally with ‘my son’, Marshall. (I have a photo of him on a pier by the lake tapping the sun’s reflection, although I couldn’t use ‘tap’ because of ‘spigot’) Then I realised it would read like a pun if I had ‘son/sun’ so I removed it, but now it suggests it is the child in the previous verse…not having much luck with this one. 🙁
ah well, Marion -as they say en francais, c’est la vie -but you do have a nice haiku in “he tries to touch/ the frozen sun/ with a twig”, n’est pas?
Bien sur, Marshall 😉
surrounding a tent camp
coils of barbed wire
jagged with icicles
Or:
.
coils of barbed wire
jagged with icicles
surround a tented camp
great, Marietta -the “coils of barbed wire” one would make a good lind to the previous verse were i to want to continue in the refugee mode -which i’ve decided i don’t since you first proposed a version of this -and the “surrounding …” is actually a better haiku as it includes its kireji quite well
whipped by wind
our breath now frozen
like colorless cotton candy
.
(or candy floss for our British friends):
.
whipped by wind
our breath now frozen
like colorless candy floss
just don’t like the blatant simile of the last line, Mary -perhaps you could compress this for the next link of two lines -without a simile
pulling back curtains
to find ice ferns
on the old panes
interesting domestic scene, Mary, but “old panes” sounds too much like rhuematism
Orion straddles
our small part
of the universe
or perhaps this version:
.
Orion standing watch
over our small part
of this universe
“Orion” signals winter alright, and you’ve made the link cosmic, Mary -just seems that when you read it with “a dust caked child/ turning a dry spigot” the child appears not only destitute but as a contradiction in or a truant from Orion’s care
undisturbed by cold,
macaques groom each other
waist deep in the onsen
Betty, the second two lines have the weight and care of the previous verse -this first line, especially, “undisturbed” is very ‘disruptive’ of the link
a dust caked child
turning a dry spigot
–Judt Shrode
—
as the short day ends
street sleepers
count their small change
—
– Lorin
or:
—
as the short day ends
street sleepers fumble
small change
—
– Lorin
or, hmmm . . . ‘short day’ is solstice or around then, which is not wanted?
—
in the piercing cold
street sleepers fumble
small change
—
– Lorin
yeah, Lorin, don’t want “short day” because the daisan’s second line, “this longest night” is so powerful -in the third one, “small change” is pleasantly ambiguous as to the betterment of the world’s economic regime -so thanks for that -“street sleepers” with 3 “s” and repeated double ee’s is not so pleasant to the ear though
Thanks, Marshall.
—
Then another version:
—
in the piercing cold
a homeless woman fumbles
small change
—
– Lorin
behind the bars
row of tents silhouetted
against crisp clear skies
sigh…too close to the tulip verse….sorry
no need to be sorry, Betty -you’ve actually managed to situate the previous verse -with refugees- while linking with it in a tangential way -didn’t realize the ‘areas’ would be “behind bars” but i guess they’re either cordoned off with barbed wire or gated with bars to keep the refugees separate from the given populace -just not sure “cold, crisp sky” gives our renku enough ‘winter’ here -but thanks
lacing on figure skates
with fingers clumsy
from the cold
would be much better for a renku as a 2 liner: ‘cold fingers/ lacing up figure skates’, Marietta -looking for a genuine 3 liner here
minus two today
but her grandchild
is on library rota
not much sensual or emotional appeal here, Marietta
a kaleidoscope’s twirl
softens the icy day
with welcome colour
sounds like advice for a playdate, Marietta -the problem with this being it assumed something needs improving -“icy day” is just “icy” -make us feel the magic of ice
smiling faces
press the shopfront window
nativity scene
“nativity” could be in summer in the southern hemisphere, Marilyn
smiling faces
press the shopfront window
top 10 toys
Third line reads as an explanation -a kind of ’cause-and-effect’ structure, Marilyn, that we try to avoid in renku -or our renku at least
Back to my dormice…
.
dormice
hibernating
under hedgerows
.
.
hazel dormice
hibernating
under hedgerows
.
.
(too many ‘h’s in the second one?
yes, Mary, too many ‘h’s in the second one -first one sounds too much like the structure of “Bastille Day” -but far too undramatic for that structure
a X-country trip
to the village
for milk & bread
do you mean, ‘an out of country trip’ Mary? -and to write “milk and bread” and so remain on the food level after the “dry spigot” just seems to blur the gravity of the previous verse
I mean cross-country (as in skiing) as the only way to make it to the village shop for the basic items people need in storms. Yes, I realize this doesn’t work. Sorry. I had pictured snow shoes but we can’t use the word ‘snow’ so this went no where fast.
little dormice
sleeping through
frigid days and nights
this does have a shift, Mary but “little” seems unnecessary and “frigid” too heavy for the link here
the gravedigger
unable to cleave
the frozen ground
again, Mary, this verse parallels the physical failure of the previous verse rather than picking up on a tangent and shifting our renku through its own words and images into another kind of action or state or arena
carousel rides
packed away
on the empty Lido
this one, Marietta, has at least a feeling of desolation to evoke winter in our bodies -but a huge distance from our “dust caked child”
the brown bear
nestles her newborn closer
against the chill
hi Marilyn -“newborn” just a little too soon after the ewe gently nudges/ her lambs” in verse 16 -though, too, “against the chill” states the moment with too much ’cause-and-effect’ as well
wearing two pairs
of woolen socks
he trudges home
this can’t be the “dust caked child”, Mary
Marshall, this one might be too close to “fire” even thought there is none yet:
.
repeated strikes
yet not even a spark
of flint against stone
**even though**
okay for not enunciating, “fire …” Mary – but the failing flint is too parallel to the “turning” of the “dry spigot”
crisp clear skies
as we shush
out of the woods
spelling error:
…
crisp clear skies
as we schuss
out of the woods
crisp, wintry feel, for sure, Betty -but the link is unclear
I was thinking that it showed an effortless sure way as opposed to the hopeless act of turning a dry spigot.
slippery slopes
softened by salt
in the wee hours
nevermind
this is fine for the drinking without actually naming a beverage, Betty -the “wine cellar” verse has no drinking in it -it’s the near ironic platitudinous “slippery slope” that I find ‘out-of-whack’ here as a link
Just trying to present a winter image from a city environment…spent 8 years in the suburbs of Chicago…a common enough activity for hardworking roadcrews to salt the roads through the wee hours…was hoping ‘wee’ would link to ‘child’….guess not.
ice fishing
until the wee hours
of schnapps
oh dang…sorry Michael…just saw your ‘wee hours’…will scratch mine.
“schnapps” just maybe in some renku after “wine cellar” in the previous verse -but should never happen two verses away; overarching the link in between
the cloakroom
overflows with boots
caps and mittens
well-written, Michael -but “cloakroom” a tad too close to “the wine cellar” of 2 verses before
a dust caked child
turning a dry spigot
Judt Shrode
•••
quick footed squirrels
safely cross the clothesline’s
frosty sheets
‘and the modifiers ran away with the ‘ku’ -wow, Liz Ann you’ve used 3 adjectives and an adverb -and 9 ‘s’ sounds – in 9 words -keeping it spontaneous, i hope -but just leave this one alone
a dust caked child
turning a dry spigot
–Judt Shrode
.
polar waters freeze
Into sheets of ice
as the planet revolves
well, no stops here, Marietta -but the wide panoramic view contains no personal sensuality at all -we still need a sensual aspect or an emotional appeal to make it poetry
throw quilts
and matching long johns
evoke more tall tales
delete this one
a dust caked child
turning a dry spigot
–Judt Shrode
—
I meant to say earlier, strong verse, Judt. You achieve a tone that is truly a challenge to follow.
Hi Marietta…yes, it is a heavy image I saw some time ago that still haunts me…a child in Gaza after their water supply had been cut. The expression (or lack of expression) in her eyes was beyond description.
I’m sure you and the others in this great group will come up with a wonderful array of solutions!
— Judt
stillborn pepper
in the jar
of the contracting house
-Patrick
first line, coming after “a dust caked child” too harsh, Patrick
Thank you , Judt!
feral cats
huddle beneath
dryer vents
Thank You, Debbie.
this, Debbie, shows the effect of winter-cold on animals -but instead we want a moment or activity that instates wintriness free of explanation either within or outside of the actual verse
dunno how my post went down there! Again:
—
a dust caked child
turning a dry spigot
–Judt Shrode
—
shivering now
I don’t like to think
of a nuclear winter
—
– Lorin
whoops! guess the “I” is out.
make that:
—
shivering now
all the more at the thought
of a nuclear winter
—
– Lorin
nope it was the ‘counterfactual aspect’
extreme sport-
among the arbors vitae
skiing in slalom
don’t need the summary first line, Vasile -try working in another aspect of the scene without a stop in the action or a comment on it from the poetic subject -probably starting with ‘slalom skiers . . .’
Thank for your sugestion. I rewrite it.
slalom skiers
just among
the arbors vitae
seismic waves?
beneath the polar ice
an atomic sub
big stop (kireji) after the question mark, Vasile -we’re trying to keep our renku flowing in a relay as well as link obliquely and shifting -‘question-and-explanation’ simply won’t do for this
ringing bells-
the sledge is more and more
close to us
probably more natural, Vasile, to write ‘the ringing of sledge bells/ coming closer and closer’ -I feel this is really an extended 2 liner
Thank you. I try another.
in the meantime
the ringing of sledge bells
comes closer and closer
white-hot Rigel
and cooler Betelgeuse
burn their brightest
interesting visual, Marietta, because we can’t ever feel their heat -and we only know mentally that they’re burning -a kind of freezing of the sensory aspect of poetic sensation altogether -wintry but not for our renku
Thank you, Judt – a very moving and sensory image.
before sunrise
the crunch of footfall
breaking ice
Thank you, Liz!
Maybe too much internal rhyme in the first offering,
**
**
hoofin it to school
the crunch of footfall
breaking ice
hi Liz Ann -yeah, slant rhyme in the first offering is off-putting -in the second “hoofin it” is so colloquial it makes “footfall” seem so quaint i first read it as ‘football’ and thought that then you’d switched sports -but that’s not it -you just can’t repeat the walking motion in one offering whether in two different verbal registers or not
Maybe a variation?
.
on a frozen pond
rapid twisting and
slamming the puck
Judt, yours was a very moving and unforgettable verse–well done!
.
.
a dust caked child
turning a dry spigot
___ – Judt Shrode
.
.
the skater twists
into a fast spin
on the frozen pond
Or:
.
spinning in circles
the skater is lost
in her frozen world
Darn, I just reread all the entries and see that Marietta had a spinning verse. Hers was in a rink and mine is outside. Apologies to Marietta if these both feel too close to yours.
Hi Mary, don’t worry about closeness. It’s about the best verse! BTW, I envisaged my skaters to be outside, too. During our mid-winter in June-July local businesses set up a manufactured outdoor ‘ice rink’ in the civic centre of cold (but usually not snowy or icy) Canberra.
Hi Marietta,
Nope, Mary is right, and following the accepted protocol.
Since this is the first renku you’ve been involved in, I can understand that you might think offering verses that are close to earlier offers is all right, but it’s the accepted courtesy to withdraw if we discover our verse is too close to an earlier offer by someone else. A renku done ‘degachi’ is competitive, but not *that* competitive! The ultimate judge of just how close is ‘too close’ is, of course, is up to the sabaki.
—
And it’s not about the best verse, but complex matter of which verse sabaki judges fits best with where the renku has been and where sabaki would like it to go next.
—
(My money is on one of the first horses out of the gate for this spot 🙂 )
– Lorin
Thank you, Mary.
-third one just a little to the wrong side of narrative ascription, Mary -who says the skater is “lost”? First two have that loaded haiku word, “pond” -though “frozen” is an interesting take on it -in the second, “twists” feels too close to “turning” of the previous verse
“This time to 3 lines in the winter seasonality. Inside or outside of a dwelling but let’s keep our renku global by not suggesting links that make Christmas or New Year’s necessarily wintry. ”
You lost me here with your directions. Are Christmas and New Years on or off the table? My understanding was obviously flawed…
Thanks!
hi Betty,
If the renku is international, Christmas and New Year are calendar dates, not seasonal references., eg January 1st happens to be winter for you, midsummer for me. This old earth has been proven to be round, not flat! And it wobbles in its orbit, too. 🙂
—
– Lorin
a dust caked child
turning a dry spigot
–Judt Shrode
—
shivering now
I don’t like to think
of a nuclear winter
—
– Lorin
looks like you’re one of those tricksters who enjoys challenging me to accept the season word, such as “winter” because it has a further reference than its literal denotation, Lorin -actually I don’t like it because it’s too soon after the last summer verse’s “if only” counterfactual
Thanks, Marshall, I didn’t even think of the counterfactual! I’ve learned something useful, here. 🙂
—
– Lorin
Thank you, Marshall! I feel very gratified at having this verse included in the renku.
you’re most welcome, Judt -very happy to include it -MH
. . . and a very good verse it is, too, Jude. 🙂 I had a feeling it was sure to be chosen.
—
– Lorin
Thank you, Lorin!
marzipan mushrooms
decorate each slice
of the Yule log
“Yule log” would be in summer in the southern hemisphere, Paul -we’re trying to keep our renku global
OK, Marshall. But, there is no snow in Singapore or Saudi. No trick-or-treaters in India. Bunyips rare in Ontario? Probably not a lot of Gypsies in Ulan Bator.
—
Your instructions were clear and I considered them closely, that is the challenge and the fun. I do expect fancy restaurants, bakeries, and home cooks serve this chocolate dessert in Sydney regardless of summer heat. Now — burning the _fireplace log_, yes. But marzipan makes it food.
—
Of course, I fell in love with the sounds of marzipan and mushrooms. A smiling – Paul
we touch full length
in a sleeping bag
certified for the Arctic
this doesn’t mean you’re camping in winter, Paul -i’d be more likely to try that in summer -at best this is ‘no particular season’ -just because it has a wintry season-word in “Arctic” doesn’t make it a winter link for me
an icicle
on a cathedral gargoyle
drips from the nose
sort of a ‘living gagoyle’ eh, Paul? -too soon after the “dust caked child” to be humourous, i think
twelfth day
letting go
of expectations
whether or not this is a reference to the ’12 Days of Christmas”, Maureen, this is still too vague a link
which side to choose
for the posada
in old Del Rio
hi Betty -sorry but the reference to “the posada/ in old Del Rio” is lost on me -could you explain?
Christmas tradition so nevermind.
skating on the ice
two tineers
hand in hand
do you mean, ‘teenagers’?, Vasile -this would make it a simple ‘growth narration’ from the “dust caked child”
Yes, teenagers. Sorry for this mistake.
limping along
on the bridge of ice
an wound roecalf
I think you mean ‘a wounded roecalf’, Vasile -this might be more acceptable to a renku as ‘a wounded roecalf/ limping along/ the iced-over bridge’ -but that would still just parallel the mood of the previous verse
in full hunt season
his shooting pocket
is still emtily
“full hunt season” would be winter in the north too specifically, Vasile -though I guess “still empty” does link to the previous verse, we don’t need to further its sense of loss or repeat it in a diminished way
meeting some mates
for a few spins
around the rink
“rink” a kind of slant rhyme with “spins”, Marietta -links to the “spigot” but in a very flat tone
rocky picks
So lonely
Under ice
hi Mojde -great to hear from you -distracted by your use of caps for lines 2 and 3 and not for line 1 -and i’m afraid I don’t know the reference to “picks”
Thank you very much sir, for reading me.
I know i am out of the rules of renku, because my knowledge in this field is not at all enough to be a participant !
When I read the deep verse:
“a dust-caked child
turning a dry spigot”
and i read your explantions about it
I felt that the cold hearted powers (picks) keeping the water from the child ( future) will be so lonely itself!
☺️
I take the opportunity of your respectful forum to challenge my mind ! and express my opinion!
The capital letters in lines 2 and 3 are only my mistakes, i am sorry !
Best Regards
Mojde
thanks, Mojde, for your explanation and for expressing your opinion -your knowledge can only grow with participation -I look forward to more from you-MH
Thank you dear mr. Hryciuk
Sure i will be going through all haiku teachings eagerly . Since where i live there is no venue to go and sit for haiku lessons, virtual world is a precious opportunity for me!
By the way my shameful mistake in my 3 liner was a mis spelling also:
Rocky (picks) instead of ( peaks)
So sorry!
Thank you for your time
And sorry for the bother!
Mojde
now streaming
on Netflix
the Epiphany
yule log apps
in high definition
on Amazon
likewise these two, Marion -Christmas happens at the summer solstice in the southern hemisphere
centerstage
three kings kneel
beneath a star
Christmas references for a tag to winter too ‘north-specific’, Marion
berries
on a festive wreath
warm from the sun
or
.
berries
on a festive wreath
hold the sun
“berries” too close to the “passionfruit” of New Year’s, Marion
we stir a wish
and a drop of stout
into the pudding
poignant and adult link to the previous verse, Marion -though it sounds suspiciously ‘north-specific’ -will look at this one again later, thanks
late afternoon light
through a shelter belt
stripes the bare dirt
afternoon light
through a shelter belt
stripes the dirt
doesn’t say ‘winter’ strongly enough to me,Marietta
week after week
the geyser spout remains
frozen solid
~~~
I was amazed to see this when in Colorado. Some frozen spouts
were many metres in the air.
hi Barbara -this must have been amazing to see -one of those verses that include something so spectacular it blows ‘link-and-shift’ away -thanks -definitely consider this one later
Hi Marshall,
I am v. late to the party… but happy to finally be here!
woolen mittens & hats
hang on hooks
by the fire
hey kj -great to hear from you -can’t use this one though -verse 19: “Bastille Day/ fireworks/ extinguished” means we can’t have any “fire-anything” the rest of this renku -good to have you aboard though
thanks Marshall
how about:
woolen mitts & hats
hang on
hooks