The Renku Sessions: A Day of Snow 22
Greetings and welcome to The Haiku Foundation’s Fourth Renku Session: A Day of Snow. I am Marshall Hryciuk of Toronto Canada and i will be the leader of a 36-link Kasen renku. I’ve led over 40 of these linked-poem gatherings and my latest book, from Carleton Place, Canada is a selection of 15 of them, called petals in the dark.
Cheers to you, renku enthusiasts! For our Verse 22 i’ve chosen:
the commuter car full
of personal devices
–Michael Henry Lee
I bring this into our renku precisely because it takes us away from the sensual particulars of our seasonality verses and abstracts our attention into a world that is both generalized and virtual; that assortment of electronic gadgets we all know as “personal devices.”
I’m especially glad for the word, “devices” here, since there was a time when literary critics referred to ‘poetic devices’ in a positive way, whereas when used in haiku parlance there’s usually a connotation of censure; first, just for explicitly using them, and secondly for the sense of artificiality and scheming deviousness it evokes. Now, with cell-phones, smart phones, Ipads, I-touches and the like, “devices” is again an up-tempo, go-to word.
In its use here, it turns an abstract twist on the beams of “beaming with joy’ in a wonderful contrast: the virtual reality they beam into is resolutely neutral of its own emotion. The link is doubled in that, like the berries, the enclosure is jammed full. Further, these glinting “personal devices” are, to one entering a filled car, surrogates for what used to greet a new passenger; open human faces. There is even a savage irony to them being qualified as “personal” since in their dedicated exclusiveness they eliminate what would be the most immediate opportunity for person-to-person contact.Thanks very much, Michael Henry.
What we need now is 3 lines, summer. Remember, we need to link to this last verse but not to any before that one. And now that it’s once more a seasonality section i want verses that emphasize those ‘sensual particulars’ once again.
Happy linking,
Marshall
A Day of Snow to Date
a day of snow
no one else
has come to the door–Marshall Hrycuik
coyote song closer
this longest night–Judt Shrode
incense lit
the scent of sage
lingers in a crowd
–Maureen Virchau
bales of the second haying
stacked to the rafters–Paul MacNeil
dust from travelers
makes its slow descent
in the moonlight–steve smolak
faded jeans, school colors
and granny’s specs to match–Betty Shropshire
facing me
a hairy bunyip points
the bones
–Barbara A. Taylor
balls of moss
exit the quaking forest
–Carmen Sterba
in the garden shop
seed packets
arrayed alphabetically
–Marilyn Potter
glasswing on the handle
of my butterfly net
–Karen Cesar
a gypsy’s forecast
uttered to the sound
of rolling dice–Lorin Ford
trick-or-treaters skip
under a new moon
–Maureen Virchau
horses’ foggy snorts
lead our morning jaunt
along the track
–Marietta McGregor
scanning an empty platform
as the train chugs off
–Shrikaanth Krishnamurthy
I sit in silence
behind the steering wheel
awhile–Paul Geiger
the ewe gently nudges
her lambs to move on
–Mary Kendall
one white tulip
in a sunlit border
glows against the green
–Marietta McGregor
another soul in the limelight
of #blacklivesmatter
–Agnes Eva Savich
Bastille Day
fireworks
extinguished
–Marion Clarke
recruitment of volunteers
for the hospice New Year’s Eve–Gabriel Sawicki
beaming with joy
the first visitor presents
a tray of passionfruit–Barbara A. Taylor
the commuter car full
of personal devices–Michael Henry Lee
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hand in hand
this sultry morning
returning RAM to storage
in the gloaming
the blurred silhouette of children
jumping from the pier
this is a beautiful image, Liz Ann -though “gloaming” is not one of my favourite words, it is perfectly appropriate here -not so sure about the sound of “blurred silhouette” though -hope you offer again in the next two ‘summery’ verses
Thank you, Marshall, perhaps better without “blurred”. I’m also not so fond of “gloaming” but it is in the refrain of a well known camp song.
Trying to rework using your earlier comments: “still feel we need more from a 3 line link, Mary -something like: “fan rotates clockwise/ her thoughts running counter/ ” and then a third line”
.
.
fan rotates clockwise
her thoughts counter that
as the Pleiades dart past
fan rotates clockwise
my thoughts counter to
that as meteors flit by
the line turn, “counter to/ that as” with the beginning of their sequence rhyming with its end just too jarring, Mary -suggest not ending a verse with a preposition
the commuter car full
of personal devices
–Michael Henry Lee
.
.
lying on the damp grass
we look for meteors
all night long
or this:
.
sprawled on a blanket
we study the Pleiades
as carefully as Galileo
hey Mary -the Pleiades, in the north at least, are a signal that it’s planting time -late March into April -so this is not a summery connotation
maybe if you wrote, ‘Perseids’, ,Mary the “meteors” would have a summery connotation -and, actually, we’re only watching for meteorites
Oooops, I wrote it wrong!! I meant Perseids!! My husband and I went outside at 2:10 am (after the moon set) last week to watch them. Sorry for the error. Maybe I’m too old for this. *sigh*
turning a hot pillow
a midnight moon glimpsed
through the dreamcatcher
hi Marietta -the “moon” is of course a reserved subject -next appearance in verse 31
“hey darlin'”
her old man belts out,
“swing for the fences!”
behind third base
her old man belts out,
“swing for the fences!”
nice and direct, Betty -in contrast to the commuter car -“belts out” is a nice touch too -just a bit too one-dimensional for our renku, though
under the stars
strumming a guitar
transports him home
very nice pacing to the lines, Lori -but I don’t think it’s ‘summery’ enough to be recognized as from summer
the commuter car full
of personal devices
–Michael Henry Lee
lovers embrace
in the deep shade
of a sand dune
certainly links on the “personal”, Marietta -“deep shade” nicely ambiguous, but I don’t know if someone who didn’t know this were to be a summery verse would recognize this as from summer
Oh you poets! I woke up this morning with a ‘night porch sitting’ verse in my head then I logged on and saw all of yours! Oh well…the drawing board awaits.
sultry evenings
rocking on the porch
to a cicada waltz
.
or
.
sultry evenings
rocking on the porch
hushed conversation
“hushed conversation” too close to “personal devices”, joel -and “waltz” in the other one is too metaphorical
the zap and sizzle
on a summer night
of moths on the wing
Oops, I don’t think ‘summer’ is allowed.
How about this:
the zap and sizzle
near the porch swing
of moths fluttering by
Darn, please delete these. I just scrolled down and saw that Marilyn had a similar idea. Sorry!!
yeah, Mary, I don’t accept “summer” -in this one, “sizzle” evokes too much of a barbecue -and having “near” in one line and then “fluttering by” in the next is awkward
“olly olly oxen free”
long after the street lights
come on
oh nevermind
the iced tea glass
with rivulets
down its sides
okay as far as it goes, Aalix, but we don’t even know if the glass has tea in it -need more activity and complexity
a bed too hot for sleep
so she needs to get up
for a glass of water
way too much cause-and effect here, Aalix
too hot to get personal
her smile tells all
hello, Lori -we needed a 3 line link here -hope you offer us a link again, later
together on the porch swing
insects swarming
around the light
a little too much cause-and-effect for our renku, Marilyn
we lay eel grass
from head to tip
of her mermaid’s tail
again, quite intriguing -i’ll have to consider how well this links -but thanks
backlit paddle boarders
float through the backdrop
of Act 2
interesting image, Liz Ann, but I don’t want any more human motion for this link
the commuter car full
of personal devices
–Michael Henry Lee
.
we hire a tandem
for a quick spin
to the next village
“tandem” here as a two-seater bicycle, Marietta, is just continuing the motif of commuting -which we don’t want to do
beneath the mosquito net
reading poetry
by flashlight
I do have an aversion to links that use the words, “haiku” or “poetry” in them, Marilyn -but besides that, i’m concerned that “net” will evoke, ‘internet’ and the “flashlight” repeats, in a less digital way, “personal devices”
breathless
on her first
fairground ride
again, Marion, this feels like a 2 liner stretched out by line-breaks
we gasp
at a shooting star
from the big wheel
too close, Marion, in the sense that the ‘big wheel’ could map from the “commuter car” and the “shooting star” could be the cell phone waves
tonight’s al fresco Aida
features everything
except the elephants
this is a plausible link, Marietta, shifting the privacy of the “devices” to a public ‘screening’ of an opera -but the last 5 words, voicing 2 long ‘e’ sounds and three out of a string of four words with double short ‘e’ sounds, are just too jangling too my ear
surfers wax up
their boards ready
for the shore break
we’re looking for an evanescent moment here, Marietta -which is the actual wait while they distractedly continue to wax -I mean something like, “surfers, cloths in hand/ stare out to the horizon/ for the shore break” -that said, i don’t want to evoke the play on internet surfing and the sea here
the commuter car full
of personal devices
–Michael Henry Lee
.
.
fan rotating clockwise…
her thoughts
counter to that
Ooops, sorry for the ellipsis!!
.
the commuter car full
of personal devices
–Michael Henry Lee
.
.
fan rotating clockwise
her thoughts
counter to that
still feel we need more from a 3 line link, Mary -something like: “fan rotates clockwise/ her thoughts running counter/ ” and then a third line
the commuter car full
of personal devices
–Michael Henry Lee
.
.
a slight pause before
the Border Collie races
through an electric fence
this parallels the commuter car’s motion and the use of electronics, Mary -hope the Collie survived
(and now, for something completely different)
.
the commuter car full
of personal devices
–Michael Henry Lee
.
.
head vibrating to
the noisy drills
at a dental clinic
not completely different, eh, Mary? -vibrations and no summer
Lorin’s wonderful comments and explication have inspired me. (Lorin, I love reading your narratives!)
.
the commuter car full
of personal devices
–Michael Henry Lee
.
.
tucked away in the closet
a hidden cache of all
her secret pleasures
this could be any seasonality, Mary -we need something specifically summery for this one
turning their caps
backwards
they go to the game
-putting their ‘rally caps’ on before the game, eh, Aalix -needs more to it than this, Aaalix and not about ‘preparation and effect’ or ’cause and effect’ either
the boy:s toy biat
slips through the pond
pushed by warm winds
the boy:s new sailboat
slips through the pond
pushed by the warm winds
last line a bit too heavy, Aalix -don’t know if we need to attribute an owner to the sailboat, either
the commuter car full
of personal devices
–Michael Henry Lee
.
backpackers turning
uniformly crimson flip
one after another
don’t usually get a run-on pair of lines like this, Marietta -so thanks for that -but the verb “flip” leads me to think of the “backpackers” as a deck of cards
What a wonderful surprise compliment to this morning’s Perseid shower, over twenty in a forty minute span from my back deck here in St. Augustine Fl. It’s a real pleasure being a contributor
to this fine renku. Thanks Marshall, Lorin , and Mary for the kind words. I don’t know when I’m eligible again but I will continue to play along because it’s such a fun challenge. Kanpai !!!!!
************
a trail
of lime sherbet and bits
of sugar cone
you’re welcome, Michael -just the link after is all you have to wait -but keep the flow goin’ -MH
the rhythm of waves
makes me dream
of electric sheep
Please strike this one, Marshall. I’ve no idea how Michael’s verse led me to the beach to dream of a Sci-Fi plot, but that sheep has wandered straight out of Mary’s ewe verse!
ha ha ha! attribute it to insomnia and counting…ewe know what. 😉
???
“Please strike this one, Marshall. I’ve no idea how Michael’s verse led me to the beach to dream of a Sci-Fi plot, but that sheep has wandered straight out of Mary’s ewe verse!” – Marion
Do Robots Dream of Electric Sheep? – One of Philip K. Dick’s greats! 🙂
– Lorin
Yes, indeed, Lorin! 🙂
marion
a personal sleeping device, Marion?
?
drifting off
to the hypnotic whir
of a ceiling fan
Please strike this one, Marshall. I’ve no idea how Michael’s verse led me to the beach to dream of a Sci-Fi plot, but that sheep has wandered straight out of Mary’s ewe verse!
Oops – posted under wrong verse offering, sorry!
cherry ice cream
takes me back
to the Trevi Fountain
nice association, Marion -just think I want more for a 3 line link, though
a cocktail
of fine sand
and salt air
little too metaphorical, Marion
reading pages
that won’t flutter
in the hot afternoon wind
only one finger
turns the pages
in a hot afternoon wind
this one feels better for having a desultory human mood to it, Paul -two adjectives before “wind” bothers me a bi too mucht, but i have no suggestions for how to improve it
Hryciuk sensei,
I really like those changes. Thanks.
-Patrick
hi again, Mary -i responded to you but it went to the top of the offerings -MH
hi Mary -you know, all renku leaders are different and the medium the renku links over determines things as well. In person, i take the first one that links, shifts and is well-written -your first one would have had us off to verse 24 by now. But over the net we have 5 days, and I’ve said before i think this means we can put together something quite sophisticated and elegant. So, I’ve been not accepting anything that repeats the active motif of the previous link throughout -such as travel is here.
But don’t think this would disqualify it universally from a renku lead by another leader or by me, next time. Every snowflake is different and it never asks if it qualifies; it just descends.
Marshall, thanks for the explanation. I think I’m getting closer to “getting it” at last. 🙂
A fine link, Michael. 🙂 What I like so much is the implied isolation in comparison with the situation in Barbara’s verse. There, a first visitor (of implied several or many), here a whole car (I’m reading car as “train car”, as the US version of “train carriage” . . . not as the new commuter cars which seem to be personal devices in themselves!) full of “personal devices”, being used, apparently, by people who don’t even seem to see each other. That it’s the devices themselves that fill the car (with the people attached to them only implied ) is a the masterstroke in this verse.
—
And there’s another thing about “personal devices”. Not so long ago (it seems! ) “personal devices” were something that stayed in the bedroom. There is a clear parallel between that
private-personal sort and the various portable computers/ phones that accompany people everywhere now, (as explored in the movie, ‘Her’)
—
– Lorin
with the touch of her finger
the goddess of the wind
marcels the tall grasses
-Patrick
ah, Patrick… the marcel wave! I can see it in those ‘summer grasses’. 🙂
The marcel was hit with the flappers, but there were still a few older women around in the 60s who wanted it. Who knows, the wheel of fashion may turn yet again?
Nice link to the contemporary devices in Michael’s verse.
—
– Lorin
I like this a lot, Patrick -introduces an arcane word that i did not know; “marcels” -but i think it could be even better as “with a touch of her finger/ the goddess of wind/ marcels the tall grasses/” -whaddayah think? thanks for it anyways you like
I too have learnt something new, Patrick. Thank you!
A nice suggestion to avoid one of those definite articles, Marshall.
marion
a floppy bonnet
protects the whole baby
from sunburn
“baby” still too soon after the ewe and her lambs, Paul
tying her shoes
before going
for the gold
just not enough, Paul, for a 3 line link
his poolside table
with a few little
pink umbrellas
certain taste in devices, i see, Paul -seems too close to decotaing the seat in the” commuter car”
sorry, Paul, i meant ‘decorating’
Congratulations, Michael Henry! I think this was a perfect choice. You captured so much in so few words.
.
.
.
the commuter car full
of personal devices
–Michael Henry Lee
.
.
imagining a life
where we punt on a river
edged with willows
This one is more direct, which you might prefer:
.
.
the commuter car full
of personal devices
–Michael Henry Lee
.
.
punting on a river
edged with willows
and silent swans
Marshall, my link of (an unseen, implied) boat or punt to the commuter car is one I’m not sure about. I’m not sure how explicit the link/connection has to be in renku. If you can clarify this for me and anyone else new to renku, that would be a huge help. Many thanks. I love your choice of Michael Henry’s verse.