The Renku Sessions: A Day of Snow 14
Greetings and welcome to The Haiku Foundation’s Fourth Renku Session: A Day of Snow. I am Marshall Hryciuk of Toronto Canada and i will be the leader of a 36-link Kasen renku. I’ve led over 40 of these linked-poem gatherings and my latest book, from Carleton Place, Canada is a selection of 15 of them, called petals in the dark.
Good morning, renku fans. We have our 14th verse. It is:
scanning an empty platform
as the train chugs off
–Shrikaanth Krishnamurthy
This links both to being in the saddle, through “platform” and to along the track with “train.” With the latter it casts light back to clarify the iron chill of the “morning jaunt” and gives our renku an emotional chill as the train begins to move on, sustaining its motion.
The verse’s one adjective, “empty” carries the weight of all the subject’s feeling. And I like how it’s left open whether that subject is on the platform, in the station or perhaps within the train, “scanning” back as it pulls away with no sight of the hoped-for person.
“Chugs off” is appropriately gross, as from within this bereft state the loud and grinding sounds of a machine are exaggerated in their harshness. Thank you, Shrikaanth.
What we need now are 3 more lines of unrequited love experienced and felt and not expressed in the third person.
Happy linking,
Marshall
A Day of Snow to Date
a day of snow
no one else
has come to the door–Marshall Hrycuik
coyote song closer
this longest night–Judt Shrode
incense lit
the scent of sage
lingers in a crowd
–Maureen Virchau
bales of the second haying
stacked to the rafters–Paul MacNeil
dust from travelers
makes its slow descent
in the moonlight–steve smolak
faded jeans, school colors
and granny’s specs to match–Betty Shropshire
facing me
a hairy bunyip points
the bones
–Barbara A. Taylor
balls of moss
exit the quaking forest
–Carmen Sterba
in the garden shop
seed packets
arrayed alphabetically
–Marilyn Potter
glasswing on the handle
of my butterfly net
–Karen Cesar
a gypsy’s forecast
uttered to the sound
of rolling dice–Lorin Ford
trick-or-treaters skip
under a new moon
–Maureen Virchau
horses’ foggy snorts
lead our morning jaunt
along the track
–Marietta McGregor
scanning an empty platform
as the train chugs off
–Shrikaanth Krishnamurthy
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on facebook
seeking for friends
I find a hope
the sound if the night sky
is too quiet nd i can hear
you calling me from the stars
i hear your voice
but it is only
in my head yet again
when my cellphone rings
I hope it is you
but it is only Mother again
my environmental lover
yet his politics lacked
all emotion
lime, salt, then lick
my wounds but saving
the worm for you
hope it’s maraschino, Betty
bottle of your best
and the gall
when you pay her tab
goes with the territory, Betty
torch ballad
she agrees to
a dance
torch ballad
she offers me
a final dance
well that sounds more promising than unrequited, Christopher
A little late from me, but thanks for the note on my per diem haiku, Judt 🙂
the hollow sound
of my heart trying
simply to go on
Let’s change that so it doesn’t sound quite so Celine Dionish:
.
the hollow sound
of my heart trying
simply to beat
heart’s don’t “try” except in pop music maybe, Mary -they beat, beat more quickly or just don’t
Agreed. This has to be my worse ever offering. My apologies.
the last rewrite:
.
a wild storm
wakes me from a dream
I don’t want to end
wouldn’t it be more accurate to write, ‘I didn’t want to end’? -because if you are awake, the dream is over -this isn’t just semantics, Mary, in a renku and I would say in haiku-related writing altogether you have to lose the colloquial Western abstract self and write from the complete present, in the present, or if from the past, in the proper sequence ‘back to’ the present -we’re not looking for a portrait of the writer’s persona but something that is -specifically here the feeling of love and its loss
Thanks for taking all this time to leave thoughtful and useful comments. I’m so new to renku that I have so much to learn. I agree with everything you say here about this verse…and about haiku. I’ve really missed the boat quite a few times. I appreciate your patience very much.
So it would work better as this:
.
a wild storm
wakes me from a dream
I didn’t want to end
yes, Mary, it ‘works’ more clearly for the reader but i hope you understand there’s not enough suggestion of love and love’s loss here or of a link to the previous verse that would make it choose it for this link
inside the silent flat
I hold two letters marked
‘return to sender’
“silent flat” does link to “empty platform”, Mary but doesn’t really have any movement to it that carries the momentum of the previous verse
our reflection adrift
on the rippling water
that last day in Venice
a lovely memory and perhaps reverie but ‘adrift’ still connotes some hope of revival to me -and yes, we’ve had enough ‘reflections’ and we need to link as well as shift
the forgotten warmth
of your hand around mine
as we strolled in Venice
this is more like it, Mary -but it makes me want to ask, ‘what prompted the memory?’ or maybe start with ‘recalling the warmth’ -but it would still have no palpable connection to the platform
Here’s a rewrite of my earlier offering:
.
as I brew coffee for one
the parrot asks me
if I want a kiss
two “I”‘s in a renku verse a telltale sign, Mary -but it could be improved by making the last line, ‘if i’d like a kiss’
Ok, so here’s my revision:
.
as I brew coffee for one
the parrot asks me
if I’d like a kiss
the tuning fork has long been struck
and I am holding the metal tip
to the quiet bones of my neck
-Patrick
vibrates with the twang of a bunyip, Patrick
torch ballad
her slow dance with me
to make him jealous
being used not the same as desire or love unacknowledged, Christopher
Unless both are happening (my intent).
party over
the distance between
Venus and Mars
a summary comment, Christopher, would abruptly tie us up here
even nowadays
many men learn from the turtle -doves
to pay court to
a truism, Vasile -i find these suck the life out of a renku
longing to touch his broad back
as he calls a cab
and works keys off the ring
sort of furthers your phantasy of what the love-interest did after he latched the door behind him Judt -nice twist of “keys off the ring” instead of ‘ring off the finger’ but it’s just too long and too much of a stretch to connect it with the scanned and empty platform
sketching grafitti
I hope that she will be
its first looker
again, she’s might be a fine motivator but she must also be indifferent to or rejecting of your hopes, Vasile
lo and behold
in the midst of the croad
the girl in my dream
we already had the word “crowd” in the third verse, Vasile -and it’s not just about the ‘dream girl’, but the loss of her as well
from a hole in my pocket
the beads of her broken chain
spill earthward
don’t see, Marilyn, how this relates to our scanned and empty platform
a wild night storm
wakes me from a dream
I don’t want to end
adept transference of the storm’s “wild night” to what we might guess of your dream, Mary -but we have “night” in the daisan -and this time I looked back to make sure
the irresistible scent
of golden Freesias brings
life back to the flat
uh oh, I bet this conflicts with “scent of sage” earlier on, doesn’t it?
If so, then I offer this:
.
the honeyed glow
of golden Freesias brings
life back to the flat
but aren’t “fressias” flowers, Mary? -blossom verse will be #17 -so actually, “honeyed glow” conflicts more with “incense lit” than “scent of sage”
inside the silent flat
the parrot asks me
if I want a kiss
“parrot” adds much colour, Mary, to a sad and listless situation but I think we need another element without another definite article
can’t tear out the journal page
of our secluded beach
and Barbados rum
…of our secluded beach
and warm Barbados rum
.
I think this rhythm is better, and it’s more tactile and true to life, but maybe “warm” and “rum” are some kind of rhyme…
no, Judt, “warm” and “rum” are fine in the same line -if it’s a treasured memory though, it kinda makes the first line unnecessary – but if we were to try ‘tearing our the montage/ of our secluded beach/ and warm Bajian rum’ i wouldn’t take it because the link would be ‘scanning’ the readables that would repeat the “scanning” of the previous verse only over a different ‘terrain’ -and, besides, ‘montage’ and ‘beach’ are too much of a slant rhyme
Wow, Marshall…what a mess! I just thought that unpeopled beach/empty platform would be a link.
well “secluded” has for me a lot more to it than ‘unpeopled’ but i can see your view, Judt
I cry
at finding lavender
in our Lonely Planet guide
dried lavender
in the Lonely Planet guide
makes me cry
beautiful verse, Marion -i’m concerned about the slant rhyme of “guide” with “cry” -though maybe this could be avoided with “dried lavender/ in our Lonely Planet/ makes me cry” this would certainly make it one to think about, except -what a let down -“lavender” is a flower and the blossom verse is just 2 away -but, thanks (and we can’t use it as the blossom verse since “lonely” would link it back to this section )-yeah, i’m disappointed too
???
tears down my cheeks
as the forlorn voice
echoes “no more” in my mind
well, joel, you’ve internalized what’s audible and you’ve got the direct feeling in this verse, but the word, “echoes” just emphasizes too much the sound of the previous two verses
I return
to find you
gone
yeah, works as a minimalist verse, Marion, but i’m going for ‘full-feeling’ here
Suspected it might be, Marshall, but I thought it was worth posting just to see what you would say. ?
the menu
of our little restaurant
no longer entices
the menu
of our restaurant no longer
enticing
even better, i think, Marion, would be a 2-liner, “our restaurant’s menu/ no longer entices” -i want a full 3 lines of feeling for this one
without you
I exit the main entrance
to a grey afternoon
“exit”, Marion, we don’t want to use again, but that could be readily changed -there is also a slant rhyme of line 3 to line 1 that jangles
alone at our table
my usual coffee
tastes bitter
BTW what a great atmosphere and cinematic scene you created in your verse, Shrikaanth. 🙂
yes, Marion, his was a good ‘mise-en-scene’ -your link a bit too ‘a-la-carte’ for what i want here
Hahahahaha!
without you
even Paris has
little to offer
again, Michael Henry, this is good but could be even better as “without you/ even Paris/ has little to offer” in my sense of line-break -immediate sense of feeling but maybe we need something tangible of Paris that has been diminished in the loved-one’s absence
without you
not even an éclair
in Paris will do
I left
a box of his clothes
on the steps
could be a simple two-liner, Aalix -does also suggest again the hokku -that we don’t want to do
Hi Aalix…I love your gray horse haiku…congratulations!
pale Freesias in hand,
I ascend the stairway
of the now deserted station
at the deserted station
I toss the Freesias into the bin
and slowly walk away
hey, Mary, both of these are way too close to the previous verse
sorry that wa way too much like the one before
you said
you took the bus
but I was waiting
“bus” after our subject scans a train platform too jangling, Aalix
after that final click
of the doorlatch
guessing his destination
great sound to this one, Judt -but yeah, “doorlatch” has too much of the hokku to it
from my bracelet
I quietly remove
your special charm
or:
bottled away
with my grief
the question why
hi Betty -I want a verse from just before you start the soul-searching
“your special charm” has a delicious sarcasm, Betty -but the passion here too a bit ‘bottled -up’ as well
now I discover
he’s deleted
our photo album
cause as much for anger as for feeling of rejection, Barbara -want something more immediate too
fifty years later
my broken heart
more like a fracture
the fracture widens
no repair with
time
hello Dianne -clear expression of feeling here -but the link with the train chugging off seems a little rough -also the full stop after the first line -a kireji, is something we’re trying to avoid in the rest of our renku -you do keep your verse, and by extension, our renku, open-ended so I hope you try again
grinding metal/
tracks my heart/
of darkness
do we really want to reference Joseph Conrad and Apocalypse Now here
the train tracks/
follow me back to/
the beginning- you
again, Michael Henry -“fracture” next to the train chugging off is too rough in a direct link
most of the time
it’s like you
never left at all
getting comfortable with the loss -or else the ‘sweet lemon’ reaction, Michael Henry -off-base for me
your belongings
on Craigslist I mark
never used
“scanning” linked to checking a list of options here, Betty, is appreciated -just too sanguine a subject
slowly I tug and twist
the imaginary ring
from my bare finger
a little long, Mary -probably due to the 5 syllable adjective in the middle -but also it has an end-rhyme -‘feminine’ as it’s called but still chimes out
this still life face
when I see my invisibility
in your eyes
hi Liz Ann -had a sequence of ‘moon’, “granny’s specs” and “facing me” that nuanced seeing into a reflection earlier in our renku -so don’t want to repeat that -but also “see my invisibility” too combersome
scanning an empty platform
as the train chugs off
–Shrikaanth Krishnamurthy
—
our bench by the Seine
surrounded by echoes
echoes
—
– Lorin
thanks, Lorin, for trying to supply one of the proper nouns we need for this renku -going to avoid sounds in this link, after two ‘sound-filled’ ones
scanning an empty platform
as the train chugs off
.
–Shrikaanth Krishnamurthy
.
if only
I hadn’t corrected
his love note’s grammar
.
– Karen Cesar
Hmmm… making this read less like a narrative:
if only
I hadn’t corrected
your love note’s grammar
.
? kc
better to make it more personal, Karen, but it does have more of a distance, almost wistfulness to it -that i’m not looking for here
Hmmm… making this read less like a narrative:
.
if only
I hadn’t corrected
your love note’s grammar
.
? kc
somewhere
as if it meant something
a crow caws
nicely indistinct here, Eamonn whether you mean the crow’s caw is heard or whether it’s a mental conclusion stated in derision -however, the main thing is that with the emotion something tangible must also link with the previous verse -also we’ve had 2 cerses in a row empahsizing the audible, “snorts” and “chugs”, so probably wouldn’t want to add a third in sequence
can’t tear out the journal page
of Barbados rum
and secluded beach
first feeling, Judt, is to think why not? -if it were the reminder of an encounter -then i realized you placed our subject within the train coach with a desolate desire to just be alone with her or his feelings, but wanted to leave the “journal” intact -what i would call a ‘deep link’ and i have to think about how appropriate this would be here -thanks alot
Hi Marshall…thanks for giving this such careful consideration!
.
Another question: do I understand correctly that although backlinking rules loosen with distance, that there should be no reference to the hokku throughout? Thanks.
.
Judt
haven’t thought about that, Judt -here, though probably the nouns; “day”, “snow” and “door” i would find unacceptable to reuse for the duration -have to remember some enthusiasts go on for 100 or more verses in which case there must be a ‘further loosening’
Thanks, Marshall.
phoning the house
to hear your voice –
knowing you’ve gone
hello Amanda -a little too common a suggestion for this link -also, two participles is something i’m sensitive to avoiding since i’m prone to them myself -this has the emotion, but needs more elements in the writing of it
from my wheelchair
I think of the time
I was first distracted from my toys
makes us more interested, Todd, in what the distraction was -repetition of “I” is a red flag in a renku -could you write about what the distraction was?
from my wheelchair
I think of my first distraction
from toys
***
The first version was a little too “thick” for renku.
As for the “distraction”, the reader can fill in the blank.
clearinghouse winner
yeah, that’s me
at the curb
yeah, Betty, there is a feeling of absurdity and pointlessness to being left but this is too sarcastic for a renku
my tears spill
into the river that flows
past you
the “river” here, Carol feels to me that it’s iconic rather than a genuine river -and then, so do the “tears” and the “you” -i’m looking for personal experience here, more than anywhere else in the renku
in the club car
you won’t let me buy
your favourite whisky
now that’s censure but not rejection, Marietta -but fun
the cold sheets
of my empty bed
my only comfort
*
(I’ve been away and am pleased to see the development of this renku; congratulations to all.)
thanks, Liz Ann -“colder” we had in the daisan and the repetition of “my” unnecessary
Thanks Marshall, I knew the 2nd “my” was a problem right after posting. Can you explain the connection with the daisan? I am missing something.
hi Liz Ann -in the second verse we had the word “colder” and we can’t have that word, or its cognates repeated (at least until after the first 18 verses are completed)
sorry, Liz Ann, i owe you an apology -I remembered the daisan of Judt’s as ‘coyote’s song colder’ wrongly; it is: “coyote’s song closer” sorry for being so mystifying
All hope is lost
Never to see her again
Forever is a long time
hello, Loretta -these are three ‘absolute’ statements craftily placed in sequence, but they still have the empty feeling of conceptual conclusions -we’re not trying to explain something in a renku but continually re-invigorate the immediacy and impermanence of human experience -and to maybe catch in the linking that there are hardly any ‘things’ at all, just momentary features of reference within ‘this floating world’
there go the nudes of France
I dry brush
the Milky Way
-Patrick
refreshing, Patrick, but I think ‘dry-brushing’ them might be a fulfilling rather than a despondent activity -also “the Milky Way” reminds one of the famous Basho haiku about the sea towards Sado Island -which you don’t want to invoke in something so sardonic
scanning an empty platform
as the train chugs off
–Shrikaanth Krishnamurthy
—-
I burn your letters
surrounded by echoes
echoes
—
– Lorin
bit of an eerie touch, Lorin to aurally go from “snorts” to “chugs” to “echoes” repeated -“burn your letters” seems too conclusive though
your black and white photo
packed away in a trunk
still waving back at me
well, Michael Henry, it would have to be out of the trunk for you to experience it “waving” at you, wouldn’t it -not interested in the concept
a picture postcard
is all that remains of you
without me
again, Michael Henry, the third line is a throw-away -“picture postcard” sounds like a place rather than a person
a crow caws
here and there
the sound of loneliness
hi again, Eamonn -if you want to keep working on this one, try it without “loneliness” in it
our song on the juke box
leaves me crying
in my beer
“in my beer” truly cliché, Michael Henry -i’m expecting more from you
by the time
I got two martinis from the bar
she was gone
this one, Paul, at least has some light-heartedness to it (or could have)
luckily I kept
the jewelry box
and receipt
again, Paul, don’t feel any emotional loss of a ‘love object’
slowly
she looked me up and down
and refused the offer
I’ve used something like this in an ‘oral’ renku -here we have 5 days to come up with something a little less a ‘generic’ or commonplace occurence
she refused
and left me with mud
on one knee
this one says more about your self-regard than your regard for the “she”
a crow caws
filling the sound
of loneliness
hello Eamonn -this may work in a haiku, but in a renku we try to avoid making the implied emotion or feeling of the previous verse or the section explicit -which is exactly what you accomplish here
Thank you Marshall . This is my first attempt at renku .Will take on board what you say .
your signature
in my autograph book
almost rubbed out
repeats the ‘dove-tailed’ on one, Marietta -the ambivalent regret is there, but not enough else
left alone
with your farewell note
and a nine month belly
a little too blunt for our renku, Polona
I turn
the dovetailed page
to his signature
hi Marietta –feel there’s just a little too little to go on here
A very good link, Shrikaanth.
Cheers Marietta
great verse Shrikaanth.
on my smart phone
I cancel the hotel
double bed booking
shows too much control of the situation, Barbara, however painful it may have been
Thanks Barbara
waiting for hours
I sip the dregs
of my cold tea
appropriately bitter and cold and ‘used up’ Aalix -looks like I already have three to reconsider, thanks
Very nice and lonely, Shrikaanth 🙂
–
–
–
still a twinge of hope
as headlights sweep over
the bedroom walls
no, Judt, “sweeps across” too close to “scanning”
Thanks Judt, following your example 🙂
a sip of bitters
as I re-read her
return to sender
instead:
…
a sip of bitters
while sorting through your
return-to-sender
a sip of bitters
I swallow no more
of your second best
certainly turns a pang, Betty -maybe a brewery’s ‘best bitter’ help the subject feel better -expresses the ‘rather-have-none-of-you-at-all’ feeling quite well, though -i’ll look at this again later, thanks
these two not as striking as the last one, Betty
I sit in silence
behind the steering wheel
awhile
hi paul -already questioned of the first ‘love verse’ about whether it’s recognizable as a love verse and i find this registers the same deep feeling while containing both “steering” -which the subject can’t do -the situation is beyond his or her control- and “wheel” that implies a cycle that is coming round again but at least has motion -something the ‘driver’ here doesn’t have -intriguing, i’ll consider this one again later, thanks
Thanks, Marshall.
Very fine verse. Connects so beautifully with the previous in its ways. Great.
Muchas Gracias Paul
fifty years later
would she recognize
me in the crowd
fifty years later
would she still
recognize me in the crowd
this version i prefer for the phrasing, Michael Henry, but it’s still a reflective experience and not a sensual one
Thank tou for picking my offer Marshall. I am delighted!
Congratulations, Shrikaanth. What a fine verse you’ve contributed to this renku! 🙂
Many Thanks Mary
A very fine stanza, Shrikaanth! Links and shifts and is a lyrical image.
Marshall, a respectful question if I may. After this fine transportation verse, do you plan two “love verses” or just one in this section of the renku? It might help me plan as I try to compose. A reader, not a part of the proceedings, might ask if is there a signal that #14 is love, unrequited or otherwise?
Thanks Paul
not love, explicitly, Paul but an anticipation of a presence that was not fulfilled. So i felt the ‘unaknowledgment’ was so profound it constituted an emptiness that was left behind in the subject that would be understood by either a ‘haiku-reader’ or a ‘non-haiku-reader’ to be the ‘missing’ of a ‘loved-one’
sorry, Paul, I forgot to answer your second question: yes, this will be the only ‘unrequited love’ section and this will be its last verse
you most welcome, Shrikaanth