The Renku Sessions: A Day of Snow 13
Greetings and welcome to The Haiku Foundation’s Fourth Renku Session: A Day of Snow. I am Marshall Hryciuk of Toronto Canada and i will be the leader of a 36-link Kasen renku. I’ve led over 40 of these linked-poem gatherings and my latest book, from Carleton Place, Canada is a selection of 15 of them, called petals in the dark.
Greeting, renku fans. We have our 13th verse. It is:
horses’ foggy snorts
lead our morning jaunt
along the track
–Marietta McGregor
The first line sets us right into autumn, with the onomatopoeic sound of “foggy snorts” wonderfully producing the sensory experience of being in the saddle on such a large and willing a beast as a horse.
Also, in “foggy” i hear “foghorn” – as a kind of clarion through the woods as we ride.
The second line secures our link to the previous verse but with the added “skip up” to the saddle implied; the rider doesn’t actually touch the ground with her or his own person. And it’s free and easy; a “jaunt.”
“Alone the track” could be just down a parallel row of beaten back grasses from previous horses but i took it to be railroad tracks we’re riding over, with the iron of the rails in their greasy rust adding to the chill in my bones of the crisp, morning air. So sensual and open-ended. Thank you, Marietta.
What we need now are 2 lines of unrequited love. This means verses of desire, devotion or affection that have not or are not being acknowledged to our subject’s satisfaction.
Happy linking,
Marshall
A Day of Snow to Date
a day of snow
no one else
has come to the door–Marshall Hrycuik
coyote song closer
this longest night–Judt Shrode
incense lit
the scent of sage
lingers in a crowd
–Maureen Virchau
bales of the second haying
stacked to the rafters–Paul MacNeil
dust from travelers
makes its slow descent
in the moonlight–steve smolak
faded jeans, school colors
and granny’s specs to match–Betty Shropshire
facing me
a hairy bunyip points
the bones
–Barbara A. Taylor
balls of moss
exit the quaking forest
–Carmen Sterba
in the garden shop
seed packets
arrayed alphabetically
–Marilyn Potter
glasswing on the handle
of my butterfly net
–Karen Cesar
a gypsy’s forecast
uttered to the sound
of rolling dice–Lorin Ford
trick-or-treaters skip
under a new moon
–Maureen Virchau
horses’ foggy snorts
lead our morning jaunt
along the track
–Marietta McGregor
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mooning over Bogie she misses
her companion’s ardent glance
Marshall, I know I’m out for this round, but I just couldn’t resist!
And, belatedly, I realise I used ‘mooning’, which would be struck out anyway!
she throws the horseshoe
taunting his luck
waiting for his nuzzle
but it’s after 4 am
her keepsake box full
of one-sided sunshine
‘meet me at the carousel’
said the unanswered note
all her hopes crushed again
as she reads his rejection
😉
cheer up, Carol Ann, there’s 22 more links to go
?????
? KC
far enough away she won’t hear
my Wilhelm scream
-Patrick
again, Patrick, relays the “morning jaunt” nicely, but the “Wilhelm scream” is something like a prototype for use in a movie soundtrack to express disaster -sort of like its opposite for TV, ‘canned laughter’ -this puts a slightly sardonic tone to it for me and not what i want here
road ending at the dead
radix tree
-Patrick
good continuation of the previous “morning jaunt”, Patrick -doesn’t even suggest, of itself, a relationship of people though
getting closer in the cab
until I notice his hand in hers
at least links with the “cab” to the “morning jaunt”, Marion -“closer” repeats from the daisan verse however
Thanks for all your comments on my offerings from last night, Marshall, they are really educational.
For the next verse, I really must print out the renku so far before attempting to write. With all the flipping up and down on a screen I tend to paste the verse in the comments box and rely on my memory of previous verses. I will be better behaved in the classroom next time. 🙂
her gasp when she sees the boy
who has yet to see her
back to the seer’s reversal and “granny’s specs” after the moon becoming the bunyip’s “facing me”, Marion – this is a fine verse just don’t want to repeat any allusion to the seen/unseen/mirror equation
his name on the Valentine’s card
in her mother’s handwriting
very striking and original, Marion -a manipulative mother’s redoubling of the pain -have to think about whether it links at all, but thanks
This used to happen to a friend of mine when we were young. Every year her mother would post a Valentine card to her, but she knew it was really from her. She didn’t write a name though as it was the norm to put the letter x for each letter.
Re: a link, I was thinking of ‘leading someone on’ or ‘leading someone up the garden path’, but perhaps this isn’t obvious enough? I’m pleased you liked the suggestion anyway. 🙂
marion
she sniffs when he asks
her best friend up to dance
okay, Marion, the subject’s ‘all in’ here but “sniffs” linking to “snorts” is a bit ‘off’
despite all his hopes
she grants him an air kiss
more a characterization of the object than an expression from the subject, Marion
she won’t go to dinner
even when my invitation rhymes
lots of women who read poetry don’t like rhymes, Aalix -sounds Victorian -as would this here
if I had just sent that letter
she would be in my arms
romantically fanciful, Aalix, since this is only the subject’s wishful thinking continued -a little too contrived for what i want here however
sparks in the uncoupling
of trolleys, your views alone
fresh and with a twist, Betty -didn’t expect “trolleys”, and “uncoupling” ending with “alone” brutal and to the point, thanks
why doesn’t he answer
any of my texts?
direct expression of frustration great, Agnes -just don’t feel a link to the “horses’ . . .”
the only connection I was thinking was about short bursts of communication: texts vs. foggy snorts but that’s pretty abstract.
seems our love of Chagall
was survived
ooops was supposed to read
seems our love of Chagall
was all that survived
yes, Michael Henry, this is much better -be nice to connect Chagall’s dreamlike canvasses to a new moon -have to think about this one, thanks
watching you
pretend to not see me
painful for sure, Carol Ann -just don’t want to invoke the “facing me” turn around of the moon from “granny’s specs” again
my sucker’s bet
yields a broken heart
a reward for overthinking it, Michael Henry -as Phillip Sydney’s Muse put it “Just look into your heart and write”
fifty years later and still breathless
for that strawberry blonde
fifty years later still breathless
for my favorite hearbreaker
this effort is one of those I would sooner delete
Well, the whole unrequited love thing is a hard swallow…big girl panties are simply de rigueur where I come from! More of a old Calamity Jane type, myself…but we know what yer sayin’ !
okay
piecing back together
his photo I ripped up
still effective (and affective) Judt, but i like the previous one better and still can’t use it
on the train platform
you turn and walk away
hi Mary -Shrikaanth already has a nice one about scanning the empty train platform
Yes, I liked his verse very much. I thought mine showed the love was unrequited by her/him turning and walking away, a more deliberate rejection. Sorry it didn’t work.
missing his photo
that I ripped up
this has merit, Judt, in that the subject is feeling remorse at a second remove from the object of his desire, but the feeling is immediate to the reader. Have to stretch to find a link to the “horses’ . . .” though
Hi Marshall…the link is “photo” as in photofinish in a competitive race.
–
Judt
Well, should be photo finish (where’s autocorrect when you need it)?
–
And I meant sporting race. All races are competitive, n’est-ce pas?
it finally dawns on me
that our paths have diverged
seems that the subject is reconciled to the idea -not exactly what we want here, Mary -but thanks for working on having your verse actually link
daybreak is hardest
waking up without you
tough about “daybreak” partly repeating part of our hokku -and i don’t think ‘dawn’ has the same force of feeling here -the immediacy and loss are right in pitch though -thanks, Mary
imagining your breath
along my neck
neutral as far as being requited, but nicely immediate, thanks, Mary
horses’ foggy snorts
lead our morning jaunt
along the track
–Marietta McGregor
—
between sobs, she cries
“He just threw me off!”
—
– Lorin
between sobs, she wails
“He just threw me off!”
—
– Lorin
nope, want some personal emotion here of the subject, Lorin -this is ‘raw’, but an observation
shredding his pledges
beneath the blue sky
maybe you hear “shredding” near “pledges” as onomatopoeic but i find it too discordant for here
bundle of returned letters
bound with a yellow ribbon
hi joel, good to hear from you -think we had something like this before, where i had problems with “bundle” and “bound” starting consecutive lines -think of something fresh from your experience
blue flag in a wave
across the pond
hello Pat -this seems more like a slaute from the EU than a love verse
before you now, another
roadside attraction
seems self-deprecating, Betty, without the expression of desire -though maybe it’s understood we need both an object of love and a subject who is abject about being left out
one date one kiss
for the course of a lifetime
‘course’ maybe too ambivalent a word here, Michael Henry, when i’m straining to find the link
much ado about nothing
as I stir up a bleak smile
no Shakespeare for a reference, Betty -you’ll end up in explicit metaphor
ten more steps
she would be in my arms
ten more steps
she would be here
need the “ten steps” to be more evocative, Aalix
she serves a gourmet breakfast
and I just wolf it down
she serves a gourmet breakfast I just wolf it down
no, paul, shape-shifting can’t qualify this one
her daily routine
imagining his invitation
again, Marilyn, more of an observation at a distance -this is one of those sections where we can get ‘up-close-and-personal’
a gourmet supper served
and I wolfed it down
okay, paul, you accept responsibility for whatever happened but this is the opposite of ‘unrequited’
a lone sailboat in the harbor
your need for space
this one has emotional appeal, Carol Ann -but the link is tenuous and the first line ends in a full kireji -don’t want that here
new sleeping arrangements
the whole bed to myself
again, witty, but no sensual or emotional appeal, Carol Ann
his imperial leather
overwhelms my Chanel
—
– Lorin
sounds like a joust, Lorin -seems we’re dipping into irony
Very evocative verse, Marietta. ?
.
horses’ foggy snorts
lead our morning jaunt
along the track
.
–Marietta McGregor
.
dialing his number
just for the voice message
.
– Karen Cesar
Thank you, Karen.
more of an angled appreciation than a unrequited passion, Karen
counting on her fingers:
he loves me, he don’t love me…
counting on his fingers:
she loves me, she don’t loves me…
hi Vasile -still an observation and not an experience as our ‘love verse’ section would require
thrown hoof leads
to lost luck
hello Gijs -i think we would say, ‘tossing horseshoes’ -but too narrow a link to “horses'” -and we don’t know from your verse that it’s bad luck ‘in love’
ticking off his plus column
where I don’t seem to figure
or:
…
going for broke
the remainder of my heart
again, Betty, the ‘calculation’ behind this kind of link distances the emotion instead of bring it closer to the reader
‘going for baroque’ one of my favourite phrases, Betty -“the remainder of my heart” reminds me of arithmetic
ticking off his plus column
where I don’t seem to figure
🙂
—
– Lorin
“ticking off” has other connotations i don’t want to include here, Lorin -also, you seem to have started a ‘numeration’ steam, as above, posted later (not your fault, but …oh well) -second line is even more clever (depending on your figure) but no, not here
looks like Lorin’s earlier post, Betty -could you have posted this by mistake
my mistake Betty -Lorin’s appreciation just came to me sooner -you’re the clever one
our first and last kiss
thrown in goodbye
kind of pre-emptive of the suffering of desire though, Michael Henry
a heart’s only meant to be broken
by love never meant to be lost
sounds like song lyrics, Michael Henry -and two generalizations
she flips her hair
as she wanders away
“wanders” better than “walks”, Aalix -but still not enough here to be a link to the “morning jaunt”
a drop of blood
in the widowhood of spider
-Patrick
interesting, Patrick, how ‘blood’ and ‘hood’ don’t quite rhyme -more a surreal conjecture than a link possibility, though
replaying his dropped gaze
that said it all
back to the bunyip “facing me”, Judt
a dropped handkerchief
discreetly swept aside
still in observation, when this is the section for subjective feeling, Betty
Hi Betty…just hit me after I posted that I’d used ‘dropped’ right after you did…just wanted you to know I was blissfully unaware at the time.
–
Judt
no biggy, Judt!
my unbroken record
of loves me loves me not
oops, hope you see this one here, Marshall…or maybe not! ; )
funny, Betty, but yeah, the focusing in the first line to control how the reader takes in line 2 (though not aggressively) is not what i’m looking for in alink
the bouquet of roses
lasted longer than me
more flowers, Michael Henry -no no no
what might have been
given what didn’t
yeah, sorta like a ‘love-koan’ eh, Michael Henry? no connection to the foggy horses
no forwarding address
for all these red roses
well, Michael Henry, if you’re going to transgress into the ‘blossom/flower’ verse you may as well do it in style
nom de plumes
she caricatures
gargoyle gals? Mary
fifty years later
the torch smolders on
right register of emotion, Michael Henry, but we did have “incense lit” in verse 3
a trace of her perfume
passes by my bench
more subtle play of “trace” to the “horses” here, Paul -though the love mood here feels more ‘nascent’ than unaknowledged
wrapped in the silk shirt he left
she watches the sky darken
a little bit pf ‘pathetic fallacy’ eh, Judt -now it might be possible in a renku, but it’s certainly not what i’m looking for here
there in the margins
the ink dries on his long sigh
whoa, Betty -this is either too fanciful or this fellow slurps as he sighs!
drawing her habit closer
she draws out a long sigh
Doh! Forgot about closer way back yonder….long sigh.
50 years serving
the next flick of her wrist
I hope there’s some tennis involved, Betty -I do want it to be the subject who’s ‘unrequited’
her cat bats the yarn ball
away from me
not even ‘slugger’ cats
even her cat
doesn’t like me
not after we’ve just had “horses”, Aalix
Love that verse, Marietta.
Thank you very much, Barbara
Marietta
uncontrollable, my tears
at that scenic lookout
has possibilities, Barbara -still relies on the next verse to declare that this is a ‘love loss’ and not a panic attack
my lover’s latest text:
all bets are off
more direct, Barbara, but still a well worn phrase
once upon a time
you’d pick a flower for me
don’t want to invoke a nursery rhyme kind of tone here, Barbara
the handmaid’s tale
poison penned and forgotten
or:
…
the handmaid’s tale
his poison penned and forgotten
this is at a huge distance, Betty, from the feeling i’m hoping these verses will bring to the renku
wearing the silk shirt he left
next to my skin
shows desire, Judt, but not enough ‘unaknowledgment’
in solitude I retrace my steps
sinking deeper, deeper
“retrace ,my steps” a bit heavy on the horses’ jaunt link “along the track” and though evocative as is we wouldn’t know it was a ‘unrequited love’ verse unless we were told beforehand
a cricket’s solo love song
beside her gate
“cricket” too close to “glasswing” and “butterfly net”, Marilyn
she flips her hair
as she walks away
kinda saucy, Aalix -and “flips” could link with the manes of the horses but “walks” jangles too awkwardly with “jaunt”
Maud Gonne disengages
and yet and yet and yet
a little W,B, Yeats, here, Betty? no, i’m afraid not
blinded by love
in all he mistook
need some sensual realities to make the loss more palpable, Michael Henry
dreaming of an aubade
you never wrote for me
this one does link, Mary, with “aubade” -i’ll look at it again, thanks
enough
to keep you always
hello Rose -kind of a stoical bent here -but it 1. suggests conclusion which we don’t want to do and 2. needs to link with the previous verse. Very fine minimalist poem though
Congratulations, Marietta. Your verse puts me right there…I can almost smell the leather 🙂
yeah, I thought so -and the “foggy snorts” leading reminded me of the old pictures of steam-powered trains as well
Thanks very much, Judt!
Oh my goodness, I forgot to congratulate Marietta MacGregor on her wonderful verse! It’s such a great contribution to this renku. Congratulations, my friend!!
Thank you, Mary!
Thank you, Marshall. I’m honoured to have a verse (my first ever) in the renku, alongside much more experienced poets.
you’re most welcome, Marietta -I look forward to receiving more offerings of verses from you after this one
opening the letter from him
she feels a gleam of hope
‘glimmer of hope’ been overused in English, especially by sportswriters -so not your fault, but this reads to Anglo-American ears as cliche’d
a gleam in her sad soul
the first thrill of love
“sad” shouldn’t be stated in this section, if ever, in a renku, Vasile -but also, second line too positive
all the lost hours I spend
imagining you are mine
nicely concentrated on the subject, Mary -but we still need to link
the other pillow empty
no note or word
yes, sad, Mary, but we need to work on a link
I thought waking up would link to morning, no?
seems to me, Mary, one could wake up anytime expecting a partner in amour to still be there
Hmmm, maybe, but if he has gotten up and left without a word or note, I’d say her love is unrequited, but you are the sabaki. I accept your decision. I have so much to learn. Your patience is appreciated.
your eyes follow her
in a way I never knew
jealousy as a measure of rejection? not really sure about that, Mary -but we do need a thread that links to our “morning jaunt”
no pictures of us
on your phone
this one turns a pang, Mary, but i’m wracking my brain for the link
once again he compliments
the jogger as she passes
yeah, joggers only smile when you get out of their way -no points for playing longshots, Marion
thinking about Prince Charming
she opens her emailbox
plausible, Vasile, but i’m not wanting ‘Prince Charming’ as our proper name noun
in the heat of the moment
the fire goes out
I didn’t mean that unrequited, Michael Henry
she puts basil under the pillow
to dream her own sweetheart
little too much human contrivance here, Vasile for a renku -but as a poem in itself possesses a lovely cadence
a dream within another
my longing of you
we’d probably say ‘for you’, Vasile -but you’ve reminded me of a line from the archaic Greek poet, Pindar referring to mortal life as “the dream of a shadow” -so thanks for that
again in his bedsit
with Irma la Douce
has the right tone, Polona -i’ll give this another look, later, thanks
he stares at her talk
from deep within the friend zone
this is good, Agnes -except i’m much more familiar with the woman staring -if it’s guy, he usually interrupts instead of staring in anticipation -but also, in a renku, even the love verses have to link somehow
chaperones break up
the display of twerking
ah, a kind of replay, Agnes -but it’s not about becoming the unrequitable, it’s about the subject’s unacknowledged desire or affection -so are women that do this called ‘twerks’ by other women?
twerking is a dance – a provocative way of dancing. it’s the implied boys watching that are experiencing the unrequited love.
all the boys ogle
the twerking girls
i want the subject unrequited, Agnes, not the observed
his recent pillow talk
about Buckminster Fuller
recently his pillow talk
strays to Buckminster Fuller
ah, the tristesse of having to take less as more, Judt? -quite the proper name to choose for a love verse -“strays” is fine too -but no, not him, here
calling you yet again to hear
“please check the number…”
not bad, but I prefer the other two, Shrikaanth -keep ’em comin’
feigning dust in my eye
when you walk away
this one has promise too, Shrikaanth, thanks -“feigning” would fulfill our ‘archaic word’ quota as well
. . . ‘feigning/ feign’ is an archaic word in Ontario, is it. Marshall? That’s surprising to me . . . are you certain?
– Lorin
yeah, people here rarely ‘feign’ -they just ‘fake it til you make it’
and dust…already in the travelers’ verse…or is that far enough back to not matter?
thank-you, Betty -yes “dust” can’t be repeated here
Thanks Marshall. Whoa! Lots of interest in my verse!
the tissue I gave you
tossed away unused
the tissue I gave you
used and tossed away
little hypersensitive on the subject end if this really hurt, i’d say, Shrikaanth
the way you tossed your hair
when I gave you my hand
this section seems to have inspired you, Shrikaanth, -ironically, this one’s just a bit too ‘aknowledged’ by the desired one
your sweet smile at me
and everyone else in class
much prefer your train platform loss to this, Shrikaanth
some enchanted evening
across a crowded room
[ Italics or quotation marks?]
yeah, even i recognize this one, Paul -let’s enchant our renku
sure is from a move: “To Have And Have Not” with Bogart, written by Hemingway. Lauren Bacall in the movie is flirting hard (refused at that point).
I had no idea, of course you didn’t want move, theater form of Art. Or “pasted” references. OK.
want to hear it? … google: Ezio Pinza “South Pacific” and Some Enchanted Evening. Might bring a tear listening to his unrequited love. 3 minutes on you-tube.
scanning an empty platform
as the train chugs off
links both to being in the saddle, “platform” and “along the rails” -“train”, Shrikaanth, so i’ll be keeping this one around, thanks
Thanks Marshall
you just put your lips together
and blow
[in italics or quotation marks ?]
again, Paul, no matter how evocative, i don’t want something pasted in here -we’ve 5 days to come up with an original ‘love verse, unrequited’ – i would use italics for it as a link if it were
Bacall’s smoldering glance
from the hotel doorway
pleasing in contemplation, Paul, but feels like a ‘cut-and-paste’ from a movie (something i’m not looking for)
to my hesitant smile
she turns up her nose
little rough, Shrikaanth, considering the long ‘forehead-to-nose’ of a horse