The Renku Sessions: A Better Look – Week 19
Thank you to everyone who has participated in this renku. You all made important contributions, whether you have a verse in the final work or not.
There were 128 offers for verse nineteen, from 24 poets. Dan Campbell is our selector this time and here is his report:
“Many thanks to everyone who participated in week nineteen. I would like to thank John Stevenson for his guidance in reviewing the contributions. As a renku novice, I studied several guides last week on renku but it soon became clear that it would take more than two or three hours of study to fully understand this ancient and rather complex form of poetry.
One article that I especially enjoyed was John Carley’s last article as editor of Simply Haiku where he wrote that ‘renku is indeed reliant on the generative mechanism of “link and shift.” But it is also a dialogic entente characterized by mercurial mood changes and tangential associations. It is an art form which uses words, in all their gloriously synesthetic aspects.’
It was a pleasure to read the many excellent contributions and it was somewhat painful to limit the selections.
blowing soap bubbles
with a wand near the windmill
Michelle Beyers
the first warm day
makes us feel like a king
Laurie Greer
an east wind
in the runway sock
Robert Kingston
a fine mist settles
on upturned soil
Debbie Scheving
new sweetness
in the honeybees’ hum
Lorin Ford
the consolation
of a cool spring mist
M. R. Defibaugh
steady rain
soaks fresh plowed fields
Alfred Booth
clouds floating by overhead
on the east wind
Dana Rapisardi
And our final selection is:
a fine mist settles
on upturned soil
Debbie Scheving
Debbie’s verse was selected because of its upbeat and positive tone. And it has not one, but two spring kigo, the mist and plowed soil. John described the link to my verse nineteen in this way, ‘Both verse involve something resting on something else. But the new verse adds an element of contrast. The chess board is a passive recipient of dogwood blossoms. But the tilled soil engages with the moisture in the air and creates the promise of new growth to come.’“
John speaking again:
Congratulations, Debbie and congratulations, everyone. We have now completed our renku. There is one remaining task – selection of a title. As a practical matter, we will probably keep the working title (all of the posts relating to this renku are tagged as “A Better Look”). But this does not preclude our exploration of other title options. A renku’s title is usually a phrase that appears within one of the verses, often but not always the first verse (hokku).
Here is the complete text of our new renku, which will be archived on The Haiku Foundation site:
A Better Look
dragonfly…
hovering back
for a better look
John Stevenson
the scarecrow’s hat
skims across the pond
Pauline O’Carolan
moonrise
finds the farm wife
undoing her braids
Ellen Compton
the creak
of the mailbox
Angiola Inglese
rising scent
of bosc pears
wrapped in cellophane
Michelle Beyers
his chiseled chin
and my smooth thighs
Wendy C. Bialek
‘after Picasso
only God’
said Dora Maar
andrew shimield
cat devouring
a bird
Kiti Saarinen
fresh snowfall
fills the tracks
of a thief
Carol Jones
our train chugs into
the station at the ski resort
Maxianne Berger
time was
a cigarette commercial
would feature here
Lorin Ford
the slow drawl
of her favorite cowboy
Marion Clarke
westernizing
the Kama Sutra
with rope tricks
Laurie Greer
their summer house now
her writer’s retreat
Michael Henry Lee
a solitary goldfish
glitters
in moonlight
Nimi Arora
red sun paints fire
on burnt out rooms
Jackie Maugh Robinson
not a scratch
on the baby
grand piano
Tracy Davidson
carrying a pail
of pollywogs
Linda Weir
dogwood blossoms
sprinkled on chessboards
in the park
Dan Campbell
a fine mist settles
on upturned soil
Debbie Scheving
Please enter your suggestions for a title and any comments you may wish to make about your experience with this renku session, in the comments box, below. On Thursday, January 28, there will be a final posting in which I will comment on some of the title suggestions and on my own perspective in this session.
Looking forward to seeing your comments and title suggestions!
John
The Haiku Foundation reminds you that participation in our offerings assumes respectful and appropriate behavior from all parties. Please see our Code of Conduct policy https://www.thehaikufoundation.org/code-of-conduct/
This Post Has 102 Comments
Comments are closed.
a fine mist settles
on upturned soil
.
Debbie Scheving
.
Congratulations, Debbie, and Dan , a fine choice. 🙂
.
Congratulations, too, to all of you who’re citizens of the USA, on the inauguration of your new President.
.
(I imagine that ceremony might have something to do with our verse #20 post appearing under the verse #19 header and the #19 thread remaining. )
Congratulations, Dan, on a great verse. I enjoyed your comments a lot, Linda.
.
dogwood blossoms
sprinkled on chessboards
in the park
.
the crossword abandoned
to follow his new kite
azure skies mean
it’s time to fold our brollys
planning a pilgrimage
to the family castle
Oops. Late is what happens when you can’t quite capture that illusive phrase. Thanks for this lovely renku experience, everyone.
a tranquil game
to settle differences
pink ribbons and soap bubbles
around the maypole
Michelle Beyers
Copyright © 1/18/21
blowing soap bubbles
in warm wind
Michelle Beyers
Copyright © 1/18/21
soap bubbles soaring
in warm winds
Michelle Beyers
Copyright © 1/18/21
the tranquil distraction
of soap bubbles
the sudden draw
to soap bubbles
*
the unseen notation
of soap bubbles
the unleash
of soap bubbles
*
soap bubbles
unleash
rephrased verses:
*
unearthed pieces
resurrect
*
soap bubbles en passant
on washington square
the noisy swarm of bees
is looking for a new home
as if the maypole’s spiraling ribbons
didn’t sail across the milky way
Michelle Beyers
Copyright © 1/18/21
it’s a two liner😍
dogwood blossoms
sprinkled on chessboards
in the park
*
the kids excited
by an easter egg hunt
*
the long day ends
with a riverside walk
.
.
a busker’s bow
the length of the day
.
the jazz inherent
in the balmy breeze
.
a c-note
holds off the spring rain
.
still the overture of a nightingale
threads civil twilight
.
.
Congrats Dan – I love the image of chess in the park, and thanks Linda for your insightful commentary, and consideration of my verse.
.
.
trusty steeds
shod in nike’s promise
.
the knights who say ni
part the shrubbery
.
the herring inherent
in the red tide
.
.
Sorry not sorry 😉 had to get it out of my system.
“What an eccentric performance!” “Let’s not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.”
I love silly Jackie!
morning wind
touching her silken face
***
walking through
all much-loved path
***
welcoming all
balmy smile in her face
sorry for the numerous posts but for some reason my 2 lines came up as three. Also, the color ‘red’ has been mentioned:
untangling a kite from a
tall tree by the tennis court
Michelle Beyers
Copyright © 1/18/21
untangling a red kite from a tall tree
by the tennis courts
Michelle Beyers
Copyright © 1/18/21
2 lines:
untangling a red kite from a tall tree
by the tennis courts
Michelle Beyers
Copyright © 1/18/21
soft breeze lifting one soap
bubble blown with a wand
Michelle Beyers
Copyright © 1/18/21
***
balmy breeze lifting one soap
bubble blown with a wand
Michelle Beyers
Copyright © 1/18/21
***
soft breeze lifting a soap bubble
blown with a wand
Michelle Beyers
Copyright © 1/18/21
***
balmy breeze lifting a soap bubble
blown with a wand
Michelle Beyers
Copyright © 1/18/21
oops my email had a typo😚
blowing soap bubbles
with a wand near the windmill
Michelle Beyers
Copyright © 1/18/21
***
blowing bubbles
with a wand by the windmill
Michelle Beyers
Copyright © 1/18/21
dogwood blossoms
sprinkled on chessboards
in the park
.
Dan Campbell
.
a footprint in the sand
back the way I came
lovely, John!
“the tracks of a thief” – verse 9
… also, verse 1 (hovering) “back for a better look”
.
That said, I once saw what looked like a single bicycle tyre track in the sand going up a steep sandhill that no bicycle could possibly go up. I believe I went back from where I started at Olympic speed.
.
dogwood blossoms
sprinkled on chessboards
in the park
.
Dan Campbell
.
our shadows cross
without hello or goodbye
dogwood blossoms
sprinkled on chessboards
in the park
.
Dan Campbell
.
wind through the railings
whispers my name
dogwood blossoms
sprinkled on chessboards
in the park
.
Dan Campbell
.
a V of snow geese
entering a cloud
.
Verse 7:
…
spring rain begins
so the players slowly disperse
…
Verse 8:
…
now the swings are empty
but the children will be back
pieces unearthed
are resurrected
Congrats Dan, on your verse, and being the final selector this session. I have enjoyed reading the variety of input these past weeks.
*
snowmelt trickles
along the curb
*
reeling in
the string of a kite
*
a fine mist settles
on upturned soil
a solution to the endgame
as the lanterns fade
A very nice verse, Dan. I want a dogwood tree for my garden; they are beautiful. Thank you for choosing it, Linda.
…
Verse 1:
…
we pack up our picnic
and serenely drift away
…
Verse 2:
…
one last flourish
of light snow
…
Verse 3:
…
as the day lingers
we follow the crazy paving
…
Verse 4:
…
just like a baptism
in warm oil
…
Verse 5:
…
our sins washed away
by the spray
…
Verse 6:
…
quiet after
spring thunder
two half sisters take turns
around the Maypole
*
two Metis siblings take turns
around the Maypole
*
carrying a pail
of pollywogs
.
Linda Weir
.
dogwood blossoms
sprinkled on chessboards
in the park
.
Dan Campbell
.
after all the twittering
this welcome peace
and a general question about flowers .. throughout we’ve been reminded not to use flowers because there would be an upcoming blossom verse .. and then for the blossom verse, it was suggested that tree flowers are preferable because of the tradition .. so when and where and how are flowers that grow on the ground or on bushes ever able to *be* in a renku? sorry to appear detailishly-focused, but .. well .. it would be really nice to be able to have other flowers .. even dandelions ..
Longer renku have multiple “blossom verses.” Also, the hokku might have a blossom in it and this would not preclude later blossom verses. But this twenty-verse format has only the one blossom verse.
Thanks, John .. I suspected that length would have something to do with it .. as it does, too, for the insect question I also had which, thanks for following up to that, too. If it were a 100-verse renku, there’d be room, here and there, for some categories to appear more than once .. I’m very motivated by constraints, so love the challenge of renku .. along with the community ☺ ..
dogwood blossoms
sprinkled on chessboards
in the park
*
Dan Campbell
*
announcing a final gambit
to find the true conch…
*
joined in a final gambit
to retrieve the true conch
*
dogwood blossoms
sprinkled on chessboards
in the park
*
Dan Campbell
*
no defense against the charm
of rainbow bubbles
*
dazzling the rank and file
with a rare queen conch
*
making his move to entice
a rare queen conch
*
we check the wind are off
to the hill with kites
.
we pick up our kites
and move to the windy hill
Corrected version:
.
checking the wind we are
off to the hill with kites
and another try:
.
checking the wind we are
off with kites to the hill
shadows on the stone
soft winds on the move
Michelle Beyers
Copyright © 1/17/21
***
bright shadows on the stone
soft winds on the move
Michelle Beyers
Copyright © 1/17/21
cloud gazing to see
where soft winds carry me
Michelle Beyers
Copyright © 1/17/21
soft winds soaring
our multiverse
Michelle Beyers
Copyright © 1/17/21
our multiverse soaring
in soft winds
Michelle Beyers
Copyright © 1/17/21
Congratulations to Dan. As always, I enjoy your cerses and, as an avid chess player, I found it unique to appear with dogwood blossoms! Great choice, Linda!
I just have a quick question about this line, perhaps John or someone can clarify, as I have seen renga here where a single poet has appeared at least twice in the same renga.
“Here are my favorites from poets already included in the renku and thus not up for consideration as the final selected verse.” If a verse is good and best fits the renga, is it “not up for consideration?”
thanks in advance for clarifying.
sorry for typos
*verses not cerces
also, renku is preferred term over renga (although on purely aesthetic terms I love the term renga as it sounds more like song and dance😉)
One of my goals with this feature is to offer experiences with a variety of English-language renku styles. Elements of style involve more than aesthetics. In this particular renku, I am giving social considerations equal weight and one manifestation of that is inclusiveness. With twenty verses at our disposal, I wish to have twenty poets included in the final work – and as many as possible included in the creative process, along the way.
Thank you, John. I completely understand.
*this from the worldkigo2005.blogspot
shell-drawing wind (kaiyose 貝寄風,貝寄) west wind of late March or early April
On February 22 of the lunar calendar, there was a festival at the temple Tenoo-Ji in Osaka. People used to collect shells which the wind had brought to the shores and use them as an offering to the gods. It is usually a western seasonal wind and rather strong.
our next play guided by
shell-drawing winds
Michelle Beyers
Copyright © 1/17/21
dogwood blossoms
sprinkled on chessboards
in the park
*
Dan Campbell
**
steady rain
soaks fresh plowed fields
dogwood blossoms
sprinkled on chessboards
in the park
*
Dan Campbell
barely spring and
the harlequin’s tethered smile
an east wind
in the runway sock
Congratulations to Dan! And to Linda, thank you for noting my offering for verse 19. I must confess that my inspiration was not Moritake but another poem of my own, written years ago after looking down from a second storey onto some dogwood trees. The four-fold structure of the bracts made me think of butterflies, unmoving and unable to fly away (it was a somewhat depressing poem.) But I am glad an allusion to great poetry could be discovered in my verse, in the tradition of the classic Japanese renga, even if in my case it was just a “happy accident.”
***
My final offerings for our renku:
***
dogwood blossoms
sprinkled on chessboards
in the park
~ Dan Campbell
***
under an umbrella
the game goes on
***
clouds floating by overhead
on the east wind
***
no running for cover
from such soft rain
***
making a game of
dodging raindrops
thanks for your continued guidance, john.
*
looks like you had a great time selecting and commenting….love your final pick, too….linda
*
this verse makes me happy, dan and brings back many wonderful memories
of central park in the 70s. very deserving of this honour and standing in renku.
dogwood blossoms
sprinkled on chessboards
in the park
.
Dan Campbell
*
sitting in the middle
of a swing
sorry, dan…. i got my parks confused….
it was washington square park, in greenwich village!
soap bubbles land
on dalmation spots
*
soap bubbles en passant
in washington square
*
reclaiming hand mower
from corner pawnshop
dogwood blossoms
sprinkled on chessboards
in the park
.
Dan Campbell
.
new sweetness
in the honeybees’ hum
.
dogwood blossoms
sprinkled on chessboards
in the park
.
Dan Campbell
.
a plate of fairy bread
for the picnic
.
the final piece
of fairy bread
.
skipping home
from the picnic
.
skipping home
with a trophy
.
a southerly blows
our fairy bread away
Congrats, Dan! A serene verse during such turmoil–what is our endgame?
opening
his pink umbrella
tranquil songs
take flight
the consolation
of a cool spring mist
the homeless man’s smile
a little warmer too
a few moves ahead
of the last snowfall
every swing
no longer empty
spring winds asking
what is our endgame
a butterfly suggests
my next move
a child’s windwheel
many colors
no strategy for
these still lingering days
hi M. R. just to say that one of your proposals really speaks to me …
*
a butterfly suggests
my next move
*
to me, this is especially brilliant on a zillion levels .. obviously, “my next move” links to the chess board .. and butterfly is a spring kigo .. the freedom of the butterfly, as transferred to the I-persona, opens up the renku to going beyond its final verse .. and here is where I’m no expert .. it seems to me that along with a strong moving beyond, there is, simultaneously, a circling back to the beginning .. because of the dragonfly .. John, can the ageku link to the hokku in this way?
*
anyway, a lovely bouquet!
” . . . it seems to me that along with a strong moving beyond, there is, simultaneously, a circling back to the beginning .. because of the dragonfly .. John, can the ageku link to the hokku in this way?” – Maxianne
.
An insightful observation and a most interesting question, Maxianne. I look forward to John’s response.
.
Thanks, Maxianne! I had the same thought, and I’m not sure, but I think, if it weren’t the final verse, the inclusion would be a serious problem. My understanding is that the ageku could link back in that way. Maybe a type of butterfly would be more subtle, though.
a monarch suggests
my next move
a fluttering monarch
evokes my next move
a swallowtail suggests
my next move
a monarch
resting her wings
so I just reread John’s indications for the final verse, and (missed this the first time [sigh]) he definitely states that we should be “especially careful not to draw our attention back to verse one or verse eighteen.” I guess that means no insects .. [sigh] .. too bad, because the flitting nature of a butterfly seems so freeing.
Right. With a dragonfly in the hokku, we will not want another insect in the ageku (final verse). All of your other comments, however – about the tone of this offer for our final verse – are right on the money.
Oh, I should have read the instructions a little more carefully, too (Sorry, John!)…Not sure how we both missed it lol…What I assumed maybe only applies to more traditional length renku? Now, trying to think of an appropriate substitution for a butterfly, if possible–as well as a few more verses.
a skylark suggests
my next move
a nightingale suggesting
my next move
a tranquil breeze mirrors
my next move
the path to victory
never more serene
spring being our
consolation prize
spring celebrates
our sacrifices
spring cleaning
brings peace of mind
butterflies comb
a bright day
Michelle Beyers
Copyright © 1/16/21
***
our song combs
a bright day a day
Michelle Beyers
Copyright © 1/16/21
butterflies comb a day
a day
Michelle Beyers
Copyright © 1/16/21
we come to a bright day
each in our own merry way
Michelle Beyers
Copyright © 1/16/21
carrying a pail
of pollywogs
.
Linda Weir
.
dogwood blossoms
sprinkled on chessboards
in the park
.
Dan Campbell
.
in-breath after out-breath
all the tranquil day
.
I love this, Lorin!
Thanks, Michelle. 🙂 Coming back to it I wonder if the flow might be less awkward if “after” was simply omitted?
.
in-breath out-breath
all the tranquil day
I love it both ways but i think omitting “after” picks up the rhythm more fluidly. It’s a nice happy verse to end a renku😊
Congratulations for the selected verse. It is always insightful to read the comments. Thanks on reflecting on my submission too (sooooo honoured!). Ok, let’s give it a try, with the followings for verse 20:
dogwood blossoms
sprinkled on chessboards
in the park (Dan Campbell)
*
city workers installing
a canopy of 1001 umbrellas
*
enjoying the first bite
taken on the terrasse
*
trafic stopped
by the town’s parade
*
jam of djembe
back again
*
reflecting on sandals
and mismatched socks
*
And more here:
*
selfies taken
under 101 umbrellas
*
the tour bus stopping
for the new graffitis
*
a tour guide’s flag
above the crowd
*
dogwood blossoms
sprinkled on chessboards
in the park
*
Dan Campbell
*
dubbing each other knights
with turritella shells
*
young knights errant go forth
waving turritella shells
Thanks for mentioning my haiku Linda. When I wrote it, I imagined it as a single phrase, but now I see that it is indeed a haiku not a renku! Sigh! I guess that is why we re-read and edit! I’ll try to do better on my last offering. But I do have to think about it!
Peggy, I’m not so sure your verse in question is actually a haiku. It’s the cut in haiku (and in renku, only the hokku has a cut) that makes the difference, imo, and I can’t find a cut in this verse:
.
an old postcard
of the cherry blossom festival
(is) hand colored
.
Such verbs as ‘is’ are often omitted from both haiku and renku verses. Readers become used to filling them in. They don’t indicate a cut.
.
What would disqualify this verse from a ‘blossom’ spot would be that it isn’t a blossom verse but a ‘photograph’ (or ‘postcard’) verse. Literally, of course, there is no such designation as a ‘postcard’ verse, I’m just using this as a way to say that the subject of your verse is a postcard/photograph, while what was called for was a verse on the subject of blossom/s.
.
We couldn’t have a verse about the book ‘Love Story’ as a ‘love’ verse in a renku.
.
I hope this is a helpful clarification.
dogwood blossoms
sprinkled on chessboards
in the park
*
Dan Campbell
*
discarded starter trays
tumble in the breeze
*
discarded starter trays
cartwheel in the breeze
*
Congratulations Dan, on such an artfully crafted verse.. Linda, what a perfect choice and I so enjoyed your insightful comments.
.
dogwood blossoms
sprinkled on chessboards
in the park
*
Dan Campbell
.
sylvan gathering for
renewal of spring vows
.
annual mind games
on Buddha’s birthday
.
the Lyrids* peak with a
promise of yet more shows
.
*annual meteor shower lasting from April 16 to April 26
I love your last one Jackie! Very Nice!
Thank you, Peggy☺️. Despite the well stated exceptions, you had me at ‘old postcard’. I love them; the older the better. They developed a patina over the years of handling and world travel that’s almost iridescent. Your verse was a favorite of mine too.
in the rose garden
the smell of romance
Refika Dedić
he checks
the shells she gathers
*
the diagonal
cut of the east wind
*
the Queen
picks her favourite tea
dogwood blossoms
sprinkled on chessboards
in the park
*
Dan Campbell
*
all the right moves
for a Maypole break dance
*
dogwood blossoms
sprinkled on chessboards
in the park
*
Dan Campbell
*
every treasure retrieved
from the corner pawn shop
*
Congratulations Dan a well crafted verse indeed
*****************************************************************
a spring rain threatens to
confound our next move
*********************************
tranquility abashed by
some guy on a soap box
*********************************
pawns of the thin mist
that haunt us all
Congratulations Dan.
Thank you Linda for including mine and for your great contributions to poets verses.
Congratulations, Dan and kudos for a lovely choice, Linda. I agree that this is a truly evocative verse. It takes me back to ’68, and Richard Harris singing ‘MacArthur Park’. and the “old men playing checkers (or chess) . . .” .
.
Thanks for noting those two of mine, I’m truly honoured.
.
Linda, re the “stationary butterflies” in Dana Rapisardi’s verse that you comment on:
“. . . I also enjoy the echo to past haiku in this poem as I don’t recall whether it is Issa, Buson, or Basho, but at least one had a poem with such interplay. ”
.
Most likely Basho and/or Buson, imo, and I reckon either or both would’ve been alluding to Arakida Moritake’s
.
A fallen blossom
returning to the bough, I thought —
But no, a butterfly.
(Translation by Steven D. Carter)
.
Anyway, I think it’s possible that Dana may be alluding to the famous Moritake haiku, too, as was Ezra Pound in his “At a Station of the Metro”.
Nice one, Dan .. I used to spend a day a week with my grandmother when I was very little, and we always went to the park. I remember watching the old men (to me, they were old) playing chess .. and shuffleboard .. your verse sure brought back memories ☺
**
Linda, thank you for your engaging analysis .. and for pausing on mine ..
**
and now, to think of some springy fun ageku I can propose as tbc in your thoughts ☺
be well, all ..
Thank you Linda, I enjoyed reading your reviews and comments on the verses. John, I will be glad to be a selector but please HELP!!!
Very helpful explication Linda and nicely done, Dan! Couldn’t help but think of The Queen’s Gambit reading your verse.
Wonderful selection , Linda, and illuminating comments.
Congratulations, Dan, on a vivid and rich verse!
*
dogwood blossoms
sprinkled on chessboards
in the park
*
Dan Campbell
*
the long warm days
make us feel like a king
*
or this sounds less like summer and more like spring:
*
dogwood blossoms
sprinkled on chessboards
in the park
*
Dan Campbell
*
the first warm day
makes us feel like a king
*
Great choice, Linda.
.
Congratulations Dan. A lovely verse!
A lovely choice Linda, and well done, Dan.