The Moon’s Aura: Week 2
Hi everyone,
I’m Kala Ramesh from India and I will be your guide for the eight-stanza rasika renku
It’s Thursday and I’m back!
I received 97 candidates from 45 renkujin (renku poets) – a staggering number of hokku offers to choose from … for just one position!
The hokku is an autumn moon verse. There were many strong images, but I couldn’t take them, for, either they were falling short of syllable count or they spoke about moonlight – moonlight is not a seasonal word nor is it a substitute for moon. And a few verses spoke about love. When writing renku, we need to constantly check the schema – for it clearly states the verse allotment. Unlike rengay, renku is non-thematic but there is a pattern and the schema is meticulously followed.
When it came to form – I received many sentence haiku. Hokku needs a kire (a cut) and it’s effective when you show the cut with a kireji (cut marker or a punctuation).
There were many which appealed to me. Let me talk about a few which worked and didn’t work as a hokku:
eyelet lace
the day moon caught
in a tree’s branch
Liz Ann Winkler
I particularly liked L 1. It is unusual and I loved the juxtaposition here.
our journey
to the other side
labyrinth moon
Clysta Seney
Yes, every renku is a journey. The resonance between the words and images is effective here. For a hokku, I would have liked to see this poem with a cut marker, like this:
our journey
to the other side…
labyrinth moon
That pause gives that much needed ‘ma’ here!
a river of words
glitters under the moon
. . . incoming tide
Jonathan Alderfer
I love the meeting of the river and the ocean here. Succinctly done.
new moon
our flashlights probe
the corn maze
Chris Patchel
Nicely done with effective visuals. The word ‘probe’ is most appropriately used here.
bright moon
he sings his heart out
to dawn
Kanjini Devi
I like this a lot but starting off the renku with an unknown ‘he’ creates an ambiguity which is not needed.
a hint of moon
peeking through my shutters
the pumpkin man
Tracy Davidson
Again, this has traces of a pivot, meaning L2 acts as a hinge door. The hokku needs a clear ‘cut’. Otherwise, this is a fun hokku!
hunter’s moon
catching the glass eye
of a mounted deer
Firdaus Parvez
This poem is sad and poignant for it reminded me of the days when hunting was legal. But it reads like a sentence, which weakens the hokku.
kojagiri–
soaking in moonlight
and good cheer
Sushama Kapur
In Sushama Kapur’s verse we have the word ‘Kojagiri’, and the explanation she has given is: *Kojagiri is a harvest festival in India.” The word itself means ‘one who is awake’. Generally, in the first few verses foreign words are not used because it becomes difficult to understand.
windy night
scarecrow waving
at the harvest moon
Dan Campbell
This verse is visually effective but two seasonal words, in my view, is a bit too much in a hokku. Harvest moon and scarecrow are strong autumn season words in the Japanese tradition.
moonrise…
the quiet sounds
of a table being set
Sanjuktaa Asopa
This is an absolute ‘quiet’ winner. I love the L3 and it gives a good feeling of a gathering that’s about to happen.
harvest moon…
a just born wail cheers
the surgical room
Akila G
Oh! We all know, we’ve seen and heard this cry. Generally, the hokku is a celebratory verse and I see a lot of celebration here.
autumn moon
the long distance driver
sings of home
Andrew Shimield
I love this. I have a weakness for any haiku which is about music!
Eiko Yachimoto once said that the ageku (the last verse) can be independently composed and kept ready! It doesn’t have to link to the previous verse. In that case, can you keep this verse for the ageku, Andrew? Ageku is generally uplifting.
the long distance driver
sings of home
We’ll see at the end if we can use this verse.
wind chimes
a spontaneous gatha
for the rising moon
Laurie Greer
Nicely tuned to our renku.
full moon
in one fluid stroke
we each draw an enso
Sally Biggar
This seems to give a good impetus to the whole process of collaborative work. “In Zen, ensō is a circle that is hand-drawn in one or two uninhibited brushstrokes to express a moment when the mind is free to let the body create.” (Wikipedia)
There was a tie and a battle in my mind for almost 24 hours, which one to choose and …
The hokku chosen for this renku is Laurie Greer’s offer:
opening credits
the moon colorized
by its aura
Laurie Greer
I’ve known of old black and white films being given colour. But, the moon colourized by its aura is an imaginative way to express an image. opening credits – is an arresting way to begin this hokku.
Congratulations, Laurie! You are beginning the rasika for us! Thank you for this brilliant hokku.
True to Basho’s beliefs – you have helped us to start off this renku on a stretch of imagination!
Absolutely lovely
_()_
It’s not necessary to be so strict about rules, especially in rasika, so we’ll do away with the kireji (punctuation) since the kire (cut) is very strong here between L1 and Ls 2 & 3.
I’m going the suggest “The Moon’s Aura” as our working title, though ‘Opening Credits’ would also serve us. This hokku beautifully suggests our involvement and the way in which we’ll be moving forward – imagination will play a huge part in colouring this renku! Exciting!
We move on to our second verse – wakiku
For those who are new to renku: The hokku is the only verse in a renku which requires a cut – something we do when writing a haiku, which juxtaposes two images to create a whole. With rare exceptions, all of the subsequent verses should read straight through, sentence-like.
As already mentioned, the first verse, known as a hokku, is the only stand-alone verse in the entire renku – all other verses depend and lean on the previous one like a pack of standing cards, for their support.
Progression and diversity are the essence of renku, and we should try to include a wide variety of things in nature, seasons and the world of humans.
In renku we don’t link to our own verse.
The requirements will be as follows:
A two-line verse of 12 syllables or less.
Without a grammatical break.
A non-seasonal verse, with human presence.
An indoor activity.
Move away from autumn and the moon – don’t repeat words already contained in the hokku.
The relationship between the first two verses is especially close, with the second verse closely supporting, or buttressing the hokku, and usually remaining in the same scene.
You are now invited to submit up to three wakiku (second verse) offers. Please post them by Sunday, 10th October.
The selected wakiku will be posted next Thursday morning (Eastern US time) and instructions will be given for submitting the daisan (3rd verse.)
Thanks once again for all your lovely offers.
Keenly waiting to read your waki.
Allow your imagination to run wild!
And most importantly don’t forget to have fun!
With palms pressed,
Kala Ramesh
The Haiku Foundation reminds you that participation in our offerings assumes respectful and appropriate behavior from all parties. Please see our Code of Conduct policy https://thehaikufoundation.org/about-thf/policies/#code-of-conduct
This Post Has 94 Comments
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opening credits
the moon colorized
by its aura
Laurie Greer
he’s like grandpa
the pull of the painting is abstract
soap bubbles
above the table set
2.
opening credits
the moon colorized
by its aura
Laurie Greer
end of concert
audience standing applauding
Wonderful, Laurie; congrats on your haiku!
the couple sneaks into
the classic movie theater
.
Congratulations, Laurie! Clever and beautiful!
*
new curtains are hung
in the nursery
*
fireplace embers
linger in the grate
*
home movies flicker
on a white wall
time for Pino Noir
and popcorn
Ack! Correction:
time for Pinot Noir
and popcorn
drops of citronella
spread over the bath
feeding the huge goldfish
in the bowl’s curve
playing charades
he gets to do Jaws
Dear Kala, Appreciation for your helpful commentary and fine choice. And, to Laurie for an imaginative hokku. (in my mind’s eye I see an AZ marathon runner.) My offerings:
opening credits
the moon colorized
by its aura
Laurie Greer
*
playing dress-up
in mom’s walk-in closet
*
jazz riffs drift
out of the garage
*
grandma putting on airs
at the grocery
*
secret money is hidden
in the lower drawer
Enjoying the opening credits…
silent movie night
in the dollar theater
adjusting my mask
before the premier
the insessant crinkle
of candy wrappers
cups of tea
for her exams by chimney lamp
**
all torn passbooks
in her chest of drawers
**
a new broom
still in its own corner
the hint of a pout
as I polish the mirror
together the children
print their little hands
***
reading the future
in the shades of coffee
***
our puzzled faces
after the first half
Happy Birthday dear John Stevenson !!!
They say the ‘little thing in life mean the most’
Delightful, Nani.
Thank you, Nani!
bank statements drop
onto the welcome mat
they find the key
to pandora’s gift box
reading our tea leaves
by the tiffany lamp
Michelle Beyers
Copyright © 10/9/21
he hunches
over his abacus
…
he clicks the beads
on his abacus
…
the evening class
was painting by numbers
time for chardonnay
and popcorn
1.
opening credits
the moon colorized
by its aura
Laurie Greer
door prize
guests waiting until finished
Nani Mariani
My two offers:
1.
as we settle down
with the popcorn and coffee
****
2.
her low hum from kitchen
as she stirs the pot
the sable brush hovers
over crimson
smell of popcorn
fills the dark theater
learning to read
through new bifocals
viewing the lunar halo a
warm glow envelopes me
the lunar halo wraps
it’s arms around me
watching my little one dream
moonglow baby’s night light
opening credits the moon colorized by its aura
Laurie Greer
birdsong enters the window
with the breeze
opening credits
the moon colorized
by its aura
a lullaby is heard
which is slowly dying
I fall aslep with you in mind
to see you again in a dream
in the light of a candle
the shadows of chess pieces
Thank you so much Kala for the detailed insight into the building up of a Renku. Seems so interesting. Congratulations to Laurie for the wonderful verse.
Here are mine
.
decluttering
a part of me in the scrap
.
zoom meeting
I talk to myself
.
slow dementia
the to-do-list in the fridge
.
Very nice beginning verse, Laurie!
opening credits
the moon colorized
by its aura
– Laurie Greer
•
mother’s newfound sixth sense
for tasting words as she reads
– Betty Shropshire
oops, traveling long hours so pardon the error…my verse should say:
mother’s newly found sixth sense
for tasting words as she reads
– Betty Shropshire
And just saw the 12 syllables or less injunction..was thinking 14 so once again revising to:
mother’s sixth sense of tasting
the words that she reads
Hi Kayla!
I’m excited to see you leading this resika renku. I imagine it will be obvious that I am new to this form but I am eager to learn. So, I will give it a go.
opening credits
the moon colorized
by its aura
a lazy-susan
starts to rumble
an uninvited guest
joins the circle
blue icing
our smiles
My third offer:
opening credits
the moon colorized
by its aura
Laurie Greer
******
that ring light makes you look
ten years younger
Ha! – I think I’ll put one on my Christmas wish list.
thanks, Kala. I’ll keep my truck driver in the car park till later.
opening credits
the moon colorized
by its aura
Laurie Greer
*
shadows of branches
flicker across the window
opening credits
the moon colorized
by its aura
Laurie Greer
….
the shower awash
with songs from the shows
a chess board’s set out
with red & black pieces
join up the dots
to make your own picture
the high-powered lamp
makes reading easy
Congratulations to Laurie Greer and great selection by Kala! I liked a lot Sally’s offer too.
a great way to start! Congratulations, Laurie.
opening credits
the moon colorized
by its aura
*
two drifters off
to see the world
*
on the gilt-framed canvas
multiple hues
*
waiting round the bend
my huckleberry friend
opening credits
the moon colorized
by its aura
Laurie Greer
lots of smiling suns
on my weather app
a synonym for crazy
that starts with l
What a wonderful start, Laurie! And thank you, Kala, for your inspiring guidance. Here are my three offers for wakiku _()_
*
babysitter almost
awake on the sofa
*
up at midnight to watch
my trademe bids
(https://www.trademe.co.nz)
*
siblings racing each
other to the kitchen
opening credits
the moon colorized
by its aura
Beautiful Hokku Laurie
ever enchanted
by her doe-eyed image
her doe-eyed image
luminous on celluloid
a watermark
showing the origin
opening credits
the moon colorized
by its aura
lonesome…
just the trilling of crickets
empty walls
the shadows draw themselves
long night
I play with the shadow puppets
opening credits
the moon colorized
by its aura
Laurie Greer
dipping the guache brush
we begin to paint the scene
Michelle Beyers
Copyright © 10/8/21
opening credits
the moon colorized
by its aura
Laurie Greer
wide eyes staring
at the cell block lock
Congratulations, Laurie. And thank you Kala for your insightful comments.
opening credits
the moon colorized
by its aura
Laurie Greer
*
her baker’s apron
now a painter’s smock
*
tie-dye curtains open
to possibilities
*
mango tango, screamin green,
and electric lime*
*crayola crayon colors
Kala, my second offer repeats the word “open” from the hokku! Here’s a replacement.
*
tie-dye curtains drawn
freehand
Congratulations Laurie! And thank you for leading us so well, Kala!
taping paint samples
to new home’s walls
she holds his hand
through the scary bits
shadows on the screen
in the doctor’s office
she sinks two reds
into the side pockets
opening credits
the moon colorized
by its aura
Laurie Greer
the nimbus in our giotto
glowing by the lamp
Michelle Beyers
Copyright © 10/8/21
Dear Kala, You make learning easy for a fresher with your detailed explaination. Thank you for that. There is lot to look out for in your comments as well.
I love the hokku. Here are my offers for waki …..
hair jasmine
awaits his arrival
bed spread
plays with cherry blossoms
courtyard tulsi aroma
brightens an oil lamp
Have a lovely time reading all the waki.
Love and smiles.
opening credits
the moon colorized
by its aura
Laurie Greer
******
a handful of soft curls
from his first haircut
stars will be brighter
when we clean the windows
Excellent hokku Laurie! Thank you Kayla for all you do !
over one hundred channels
and nothing to watch
understanding now
what killed vaudeville
the casting couch
was never an option
opening credits
the moon colorized
by its aura
Laurie Greer
—
a damp lace handkerchief
under the pillow
I love your selection, Kala, and thanks for all the extremely useful comments. (I still can’t believe I offered “moonlight” verses instead of “moon”—I knew that!]
Well done to Laurie. 🙂
What an interesting poem and selection Laurie and Kala. The silver screen shining down on us…
opening credits
the moon colorized
by its aura
Laurie Greer
–
footprints from the sea
follow the sky’s curve
–
rumours circulating
amongst the trees
–
the toll of another life
in bluebells
opening credits
the moon colorized
by its aura
Laurie Greer
—
critics all agree
it will be a vintage year
opening credits
the moon colorized
by its aura
Laurie Greer
.
.
I close the deal
over a Zoom session
.
her perfect round rotis
drizzled with ghee
.
the puppy follows me
around the house
.
opening credits
the moon colorized
by its aura
Laurie Greer
a held back child
in the crystal store
snookered
behind the blue
Congratulations, Laurie! And a terrific start, Kala.
opening credits
the moon colorized
by its aura
Laurie Greer
a faint shimmer in the air
around the medium
.
auntie’s seance voice
at least an octave lower
.
her six no trump bid
with just the hint of a wink
.
What an evocative and we’ll-crafted hokku!
Here are my candidates for the wakiku:
painting Ingrid Bergman’s eyes
phthalocyanine blue
the theater door reveals
another new world
these paints and brushes
contain the universe
Thanks for volunteering to run this, Kala. Looking forward to learning a lot!
opening credits
the moon colorized
by its aura
Laurie Greer
alexa surrounds us
with surround sound
10.07.2021 by wendy © bialek
Great euphony!
thank you, joshua…for hearing this and sharing your observation here!
all i can say, is WoW!. kAlA!
you really brang it!!!!!
and laurie, bravo!!!!!!! this one, is the best you have done here, (so far!!!!) IMHO!
this hokku, i agree with kala….is the best of the best, to begin our journey!
opening credits
the moon colorized
by its aura
Laurie Greer
mom’s paint-dipped swabs
bring life to baby photos
10.07.2021 by wendy © bialek
counting ceiling tiles
in the Emergency Room
Congratulations Laurie and thank you Kala, I am really enjoying this
*
applauding her living
room flamenco dance
*
our son’s laughter
flowing down the stairs
opening credits
the moon colorized
by its aura — Laurie Greer
.
hundreds and thousands
before the icing sets
.
vanilla icing
plus hundreds and thousands
.
Grandma’s crescent-shaped
cookie cutters shine
.
Actually, I think I prefer just the one cookie cutter, so I’m changing the 3rd (above) to:
.
Grandma’s crescent-shaped
cookie cutter shines
.
My favorite of the offerings thus far! I’m not sure the shine is even necessary as the hokku maybe implies it.
opening credits
the moon colorized
by its aura
Laurie Greer
.
Congratulations, Laurie — it’s an excellent and original hokku. 🙂
I don’t feel confident to enter any lines to this rasika renku but will follow the journey like an eager student sitting in the front row of the class, as I did with Way of the Wind. Congrats to all the poets featured this week. So much to learn from the selected offers and Kala’s superb commentary.
Great choice, Kayla and nice to learn some of your preferences. Thanks for commenting on mine.
opening credits
the moon colorized
by its aura
Laurie Greer
a crayon rainbow
shines in the kitchen window
Charlie Chaplin’s spuds
dancing to our smiles
Kala,
I’m sorry for the inconvenience. I should have made these edits before I posted initially. Please accept these newly edited submissions and ignore the entries in my first post.
Thanks,
Paul
1)
sheers flutter
as nightshadows play upon the bed
2)
children waltz with barn shadows
before the big dance
3)
a sparkling glade
ripples in the water-filled tub
Beautiful hokku, Laurie — very cinematic. It seems to beg for another scene to move the story forward.
Here are three ideas as to where our rasika renku might journey next:
1)
sheers flutter as nightshadows
play upon the bed
2)
children waltz with barn shadows
before the big dance
3)
a sparkling glade ripples
in the water-filled tub
Good luck and have fun everyone!
Paul
Congratulations, Laurie, on a wonderful hokku to start us off.
Kala, your explanations, advice and guidance are superb; I am learning so much from you about renku and this short form. Your advice to Andrew that he might resubmit his verse as the ageku, triggered a memory I have that previously offered verses could be recycled for later use, if appropriate. I would like to submit part of the verse I offered as a hokku (which you so generously commented on) as a wakiku. Minus L1 it seems to satisfy your criteria:
in one fluid stroke
we each draw an enso
I love this offering in two lines!! Beautifully done Sally.
I agree!
I thought the same thing.
Thank you Sarah, Marion and Jayashree.
Sally
Congratulations Laurie.
Thank you for a wonderful start Karla.
Well–this was truly the last thing I expected! There were so many wonderful, vivid, evocative offers last week–as you so eloquently pointed out, Kala. Thank you for your detailed analysis and insight, and your more than kind words about my verse.
I won’t try to link to mine, but I hope it’s all right if I continue to contribute each week.
Thanks to everyone for your stimulating, inspiring, and always fun contributions–eager to see how our rasika develops!
Congratulations it’s such a beautiful verse.
Lovely offering, Laurie. I look forward to reading more.
Congratulations dear Laurie❤️❤️
So beautiful…
Wonderful observations of the haiku you’ve chosen to comment on and what a lovely hokku to start with. I’m new and enjoying it. Here’s my two line verse.
together on the bonnet
of our battered car
ochre hand print
blown on a cave wall
Just a small edit-
ochre hand prints
blown on a cave wall
Congratulations, Laurie, a wonderful hokku to set us off on our short journey to who knows where.
Thank you, Kayla, for the great description of reasoning behind chosen verses, and congratulations to all the poets!