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The Moon’s Aura: Week 2

renku_300

Hi everyone,

I’m Kala Ramesh from India and I will be your guide for the eight-stanza rasika renku

It’s Thursday and I’m back!

I received 97 candidates from 45 renkujin (renku poets) – a staggering number of hokku offers to choose from … for just one position!

The hokku is an autumn moon verse. There were many strong images, but I couldn’t take them, for, either they were falling short of syllable count or they spoke about moonlight – moonlight is not a seasonal word nor is it a substitute for moon. And a few verses spoke about love. When writing renku, we need to constantly check the schema – for it clearly states the verse allotment. Unlike rengay, renku is non-thematic but there is a pattern and the schema is meticulously followed.

When it came to form – I received many sentence haiku. Hokku needs a kire (a cut) and it’s effective when you show the cut with a kireji (cut marker or a punctuation).

There were many which appealed to me. Let me talk about a few which worked and didn’t work as a hokku:

 

eyelet lace
the day moon caught
in a tree’s branch

                       Liz Ann Winkler

I particularly liked L 1. It is unusual and I loved the juxtaposition here.

 

 

our journey
to the other side
labyrinth moon

                    Clysta Seney

Yes, every renku is a journey. The resonance between the words and images is effective here. For a hokku, I would have liked to see this poem with a cut marker, like this:

our journey
to the other side…
labyrinth moon

That pause gives that much needed ‘ma’ here!

 

 

a river of words
glitters under the moon
. . . incoming tide

                           Jonathan Alderfer

I love the meeting of the river and the ocean here. Succinctly done.

 

 

new moon
our flashlights probe
the corn maze

                     Chris Patchel

Nicely done with effective visuals. The word ‘probe’ is most appropriately used here. 

 

 

bright moon
he sings his heart out
to dawn

              Kanjini Devi

I like this a lot but starting off the renku with an unknown ‘he’ creates an ambiguity which is not needed. 

 

 

a hint of moon
peeking through my shutters
the pumpkin man

              Tracy Davidson

Again, this has traces of a pivot, meaning L2 acts as a hinge door. The hokku needs a clear ‘cut’. Otherwise, this is a fun hokku!

 

 

hunter’s moon
catching the glass eye
of a mounted deer

                                   Firdaus Parvez

This poem is sad and poignant for it reminded me of the days when hunting was legal. But it reads like a sentence, which weakens the hokku.  

 

 

kojagiri–
soaking in moonlight
and good cheer

                                    Sushama Kapur

In Sushama Kapur’s verse we have the word ‘Kojagiri’, and the explanation she has given is: *Kojagiri is a harvest festival in India.” The word itself means ‘one who is awake’. Generally, in the first few verses foreign words are not used because it becomes difficult to understand.

 

 

windy night
scarecrow waving
at the harvest moon

                     Dan Campbell

This verse is visually effective but two seasonal words, in my view, is a bit too much in a hokku. Harvest moon and scarecrow are strong autumn season words in the Japanese tradition.

 

 

moonrise…
the quiet sounds
of a table being set

                          Sanjuktaa Asopa

This is an absolute ‘quiet’ winner. I love the L3 and it gives a good feeling of a gathering that’s about to happen.

 

 

harvest moon…
a just born wail cheers
the surgical room

                                Akila G

Oh! We all know, we’ve seen and heard this cry. Generally, the hokku is a celebratory verse and I see a lot of celebration here.

 

 

autumn moon
the long distance driver
sings of home

              Andrew Shimield

I love this. I have a weakness for any haiku which is about music!

Eiko Yachimoto once said that the ageku (the last verse) can be independently composed and kept ready! It doesn’t have to link to the previous verse. In that case, can you keep this verse for the ageku, Andrew? Ageku is generally uplifting.

the long distance driver
sings of home

We’ll see at the end if we can use this verse.

 

 

wind chimes
a spontaneous gatha
for the rising moon

                        Laurie Greer

Nicely tuned to our renku.

 

 

full moon
in one fluid stroke
we each draw an enso

                                   Sally Biggar

This seems to give a good impetus to the whole process of collaborative work. “In Zen, ensō is a circle that is hand-drawn in one or two uninhibited brushstrokes to express a moment when the mind is free to let the body create.” (Wikipedia)

 

 

There was a tie and a battle in my mind for almost 24 hours, which one to choose and …

The hokku chosen for this renku is Laurie Greer’s offer:

 

opening credits
the moon colorized
by its aura

              Laurie Greer

 

I’ve known of old black and white films being given colour. But, the moon colourized by its aura is an imaginative way to express an image. opening credits – is an arresting way to begin this hokku.

Congratulations, Laurie! You are beginning the rasika for us! Thank you for this brilliant hokku.

True to Basho’s beliefs – you have helped us to start off this renku on a stretch of imagination!

Absolutely lovely
_()_

 

It’s not necessary to be so strict about rules, especially in rasika, so we’ll do away with the kireji (punctuation) since the kire (cut) is very strong here between L1 and Ls 2 & 3. 

I’m going the suggest “The Moon’s Aura” as our working title, though ‘Opening Credits’ would also serve us. This hokku beautifully suggests our involvement and the way in which we’ll be moving forward – imagination will play a huge part in colouring this renku! Exciting!

 

We move on to our second verse – wakiku

For those who are new to renku: The hokku is the only verse in a renku which requires a cut – something we do when writing a haiku, which juxtaposes two images to create a whole. With rare exceptions, all of the subsequent verses should read straight through, sentence-like.

As already mentioned, the first verse, known as a hokku, is the only stand-alone verse in the entire renku – all other verses depend and lean on the previous one like a pack of standing cards, for their support.

Progression and diversity are the essence of renku, and we should try to include a wide variety of things in nature, seasons and the world of humans.

In renku we don’t link to our own verse.

 

The requirements will be as follows:

A two-line verse of 12 syllables or less.
Without a grammatical break.
A non-seasonal verse, with human presence.
An indoor activity.
Move away from autumn and the moon – don’t repeat words already contained in the hokku.
The relationship between the first two verses is especially close, with the second verse closely supporting, or buttressing the hokku, and usually remaining in the same scene.

You are now invited to submit up to three wakiku (second verse) offers.  Please post them by Sunday, 10th October.

The selected wakiku will be posted next Thursday morning (Eastern US time) and instructions will be given for submitting the daisan (3rd verse.)

Thanks once again for all your lovely offers.
Keenly waiting to read your waki.

Allow your imagination to run wild!
And most importantly don’t forget to have fun!

With palms pressed,
Kala Ramesh

 

 

 

 

The Haiku Foundation reminds you that participation in our offerings assumes respectful and appropriate behavior from all parties. Please see our Code of Conduct policy https://thehaikufoundation.org/about-thf/policies/#code-of-conduct

This Post Has 94 Comments

  1. opening credits
    the moon colorized
    by its aura

    Laurie Greer

    he’s like grandpa
    the pull of the painting is abstract

  2. 2.

    opening credits
    the moon colorized
    by its aura

    Laurie Greer

    end of concert
    audience standing applauding

  3. Congratulations, Laurie! Clever and beautiful!
    *
    new curtains are hung
    in the nursery
    *
    fireplace embers
    linger in the grate
    *
    home movies flicker
    on a white wall

  4. drops of citronella
    spread over the bath

    feeding the huge goldfish
    in the bowl’s curve

    playing charades
    he gets to do Jaws

  5. Dear Kala, Appreciation for your helpful commentary and fine choice. And, to Laurie for an imaginative hokku. (in my mind’s eye I see an AZ marathon runner.) My offerings:

    opening credits
    
the moon colorized

    by its aura
    Laurie Greer
    *
    playing dress-up
    in mom’s walk-in closet
    *
    jazz riffs drift
    out of the garage
    *
    grandma putting on airs
    at the grocery
    *

  6. Enjoying the opening credits…

    silent movie night
    in the dollar theater

    adjusting my mask
    before the premier

    the insessant crinkle
    of candy wrappers

  7. together the children
    print their little hands
    ***
    reading the future
    in the shades of coffee
    ***
    our puzzled faces
    after the first half

  8. he hunches
    over his abacus

    he clicks the beads
    on his abacus

    the evening class
    was painting by numbers

  9. 1.

    opening credits
    the moon colorized
    by its aura

    Laurie Greer

    door prize
    guests waiting until finished

    Nani Mariani

  10. My two offers:
    1.
    as we settle down
    with the popcorn and coffee

    ****
    2.
    her low hum from kitchen
    as she stirs the pot

  11. opening credits
the moon colorized
by its aura
                  Laurie Greer

    birdsong enters the window
    with the breeze

  12. opening credits
    the moon colorized
    by its aura

    a lullaby is heard
    which is slowly dying

    I fall aslep with you in mind
    to see you again in a dream

    in the light of a candle
    the shadows of chess pieces

  13. Thank you so much Kala for the detailed insight into the building up of a Renku. Seems so interesting. Congratulations to Laurie for the wonderful verse.

    Here are mine

    .
    decluttering
    a part of me in the scrap
    .
    zoom meeting
    I talk to myself
    .
    slow dementia
    the to-do-list in the fridge
    .

  14. Very nice beginning verse, Laurie!

    opening credits
    the moon colorized
    by its aura
    – Laurie Greer

    mother’s newfound sixth sense
    for tasting words as she reads
    – Betty Shropshire

    1. oops, traveling long hours so pardon the error…my verse should say:

      mother’s newly found sixth sense
      for tasting words as she reads
      – Betty Shropshire

      1. And just saw the 12 syllables or less injunction..was thinking 14 so once again revising to:

        mother’s sixth sense of tasting
        the words that she reads

  15. Hi Kayla!
    I’m excited to see you leading this resika renku. I imagine it will be obvious that I am new to this form but I am eager to learn. So, I will give it a go.

    opening credits
    the moon colorized
    by its aura

    a lazy-susan
    starts to rumble

    an uninvited guest
    joins the circle

    blue icing
    our smiles

  16. My third offer:

    opening credits
    
the moon colorized

    by its aura
    Laurie Greer

    ******

    that ring light makes you look
    ten years younger

  17. thanks, Kala. I’ll keep my truck driver in the car park till later.

    opening credits
    the moon colorized
    by its aura

    Laurie Greer
    *
    shadows of branches
    flicker across the window

  18. opening credits
    the moon colorized
    by its aura

    Laurie Greer
    ….

    the shower awash
    with songs from the shows

  19. a chess board’s set out
    with red & black pieces

    join up the dots
    to make your own picture

    the high-powered lamp
    makes reading easy

  20. a great way to start! Congratulations, Laurie.

    opening credits
    
the moon colorized

    by its aura

    *

    two drifters off
    to see the world

    *
    on the gilt-framed canvas
    multiple hues

    *
    waiting round the bend
    my huckleberry friend

  21. opening credits
    
the moon colorized

    by its aura
                  Laurie Greer

    lots of smiling suns
    on my weather app

  22. What a wonderful start, Laurie! And thank you, Kala, for your inspiring guidance. Here are my three offers for wakiku _()_
    *
    babysitter almost
    awake on the sofa
    *
    up at midnight to watch
    my trademe bids
    (https://www.trademe.co.nz)
    *
    siblings racing each
    other to the kitchen

  23. opening credits
    the moon colorized
    by its aura

    Beautiful Hokku Laurie

    ever enchanted
    by her doe-eyed image

    her doe-eyed image
    luminous on celluloid

    a watermark
    showing the origin

  24. opening credits
    the moon colorized
    by its aura

    lonesome…
    just the trilling of crickets

    empty walls
    the shadows draw themselves

    long night
    I play with the shadow puppets

  25. opening credits
    
the moon colorized

    by its aura
    Laurie Greer

    dipping the guache brush
    we begin to paint the scene

    Michelle Beyers
    Copyright © 10/8/21

  26. opening credits
    
the moon colorized

    by its aura
    Laurie Greer

    wide eyes staring
    at the cell block lock

  27. Congratulations, Laurie. And thank you Kala for your insightful comments.

    opening credits
    the moon colorized
    by its aura

    Laurie Greer

    *

    her baker’s apron
    now a painter’s smock

    *

    tie-dye curtains open
    to possibilities

    *

    mango tango, screamin green,
    and electric lime*

    *crayola crayon colors

    1. Kala, my second offer repeats the word “open” from the hokku! Here’s a replacement.

      *

      tie-dye curtains drawn
      freehand

  28. Congratulations Laurie! And thank you for leading us so well, Kala!

    taping paint samples
    to new home’s walls

  29. she holds his hand
    through the scary bits

    shadows on the screen
    in the doctor’s office

    she sinks two reds
    into the side pockets

  30. opening credits
    the moon colorized
    by its aura

    Laurie Greer

    the nimbus in our giotto
    glowing by the lamp

    Michelle Beyers
    Copyright © 10/8/21

  31. Dear Kala, You make learning easy for a fresher with your detailed explaination. Thank you for that. There is lot to look out for in your comments as well.
    I love the hokku. Here are my offers for waki …..

    hair jasmine
    awaits his arrival

    bed spread
    plays with cherry blossoms

    courtyard tulsi aroma
    brightens an oil lamp

    Have a lovely time reading all the waki.
    Love and smiles.

  32. opening credits
    
the moon colorized

    by its aura
    Laurie Greer

    ******

    a handful of soft curls
    from his first haircut

  33. Excellent hokku Laurie! Thank you Kayla for all you do !

    over one hundred channels
    and nothing to watch

    understanding now
    what killed vaudeville

    the casting couch
    was never an option

  34. opening credits
    the moon colorized
    by its aura

    Laurie Greer


    a damp lace handkerchief
    under the pillow

  35. I love your selection, Kala, and thanks for all the extremely useful comments. (I still can’t believe I offered “moonlight” verses instead of “moon”—I knew that!]
    Well done to Laurie. 🙂

  36. What an interesting poem and selection Laurie and Kala. The silver screen shining down on us…

    opening credits
    the moon colorized
    by its aura

    Laurie Greer

    footprints from the sea
    follow the sky’s curve

    rumours circulating
    amongst the trees

    the toll of another life
    in bluebells

  37. opening credits
    the moon colorized
    by its aura

    Laurie Greer


    critics all agree
    it will be a vintage year

  38. opening credits
    the moon colorized
    by its aura

    Laurie Greer
    .
    .
    I close the deal
    over a Zoom session
    .
    her perfect round rotis
    drizzled with ghee
    .
    the puppy follows me
    around the house
    .

  39. opening credits
    
the moon colorized

    by its aura
    Laurie Greer

    a held back child
    in the crystal store

    snookered
    behind the blue

  40. Congratulations, Laurie! And a terrific start, Kala.

    opening credits
    the moon colorized
    by its aura

    Laurie Greer

    a faint shimmer in the air
    around the medium
    .

    auntie’s seance voice
    at least an octave lower
    .

    her six no trump bid
    with just the hint of a wink
    .

  41. What an evocative and we’ll-crafted hokku!

    Here are my candidates for the wakiku:

    painting Ingrid Bergman’s eyes
    phthalocyanine blue

    the theater door reveals
    another new world

    these paints and brushes
    contain the universe

    Thanks for volunteering to run this, Kala. Looking forward to learning a lot!

  42. opening credits
    
the moon colorized

    by its aura

    Laurie Greer

    alexa surrounds us
    with surround sound

    10.07.2021 by wendy © bialek

  43. all i can say, is WoW!. kAlA!
    you really brang it!!!!!

    and laurie, bravo!!!!!!! this one, is the best you have done here, (so far!!!!) IMHO!
    this hokku, i agree with kala….is the best of the best, to begin our journey!

    opening credits
    
the moon colorized

    by its aura
    Laurie Greer

    mom’s paint-dipped swabs
    bring life to baby photos

    10.07.2021 by wendy © bialek

  44. Congratulations Laurie and thank you Kala, I am really enjoying this
    *
    applauding her living
    room flamenco dance
    *
    our son’s laughter
    flowing down the stairs

  45. opening credits
    the moon colorized
    by its aura — Laurie Greer
    .
    hundreds and thousands
    before the icing sets
    .
    vanilla icing
    plus hundreds and thousands
    .
    Grandma’s crescent-shaped
    cookie cutters shine
    .

    1. Actually, I think I prefer just the one cookie cutter, so I’m changing the 3rd (above) to:
      .
      Grandma’s crescent-shaped
      cookie cutter shines
      .

      1. My favorite of the offerings thus far! I’m not sure the shine is even necessary as the hokku maybe implies it.

  46. opening credits
    the moon colorized
    by its aura

    Laurie Greer
    .
    Congratulations, Laurie — it’s an excellent and original hokku. 🙂

  47. I don’t feel confident to enter any lines to this rasika renku but will follow the journey like an eager student sitting in the front row of the class, as I did with Way of the Wind. Congrats to all the poets featured this week. So much to learn from the selected offers and Kala’s superb commentary.

  48. Great choice, Kayla and nice to learn some of your preferences. Thanks for commenting on mine.

    opening credits
    
the moon colorized

    by its aura
                  Laurie Greer

    a crayon rainbow
    shines in the kitchen window

  49. Kala,
    I’m sorry for the inconvenience. I should have made these edits before I posted initially. Please accept these newly edited submissions and ignore the entries in my first post.

    Thanks,

    Paul

    1)
    sheers flutter
    as nightshadows play upon the bed

    2)
    children waltz with barn shadows
    before the big dance

    3)
    a sparkling glade
    ripples in the water-filled tub

  50. Beautiful hokku, Laurie — very cinematic. It seems to beg for another scene to move the story forward.

    Here are three ideas as to where our rasika renku might journey next:

    1)
    sheers flutter as nightshadows
    play upon the bed

    2)
    children waltz with barn shadows
    before the big dance

    3)
    a sparkling glade ripples
    in the water-filled tub

    Good luck and have fun everyone!

    Paul

  51. Congratulations, Laurie, on a wonderful hokku to start us off.

    Kala, your explanations, advice and guidance are superb; I am learning so much from you about renku and this short form. Your advice to Andrew that he might resubmit his verse as the ageku, triggered a memory I have that previously offered verses could be recycled for later use, if appropriate. I would like to submit part of the verse I offered as a hokku (which you so generously commented on) as a wakiku. Minus L1 it seems to satisfy your criteria:

    in one fluid stroke
    we each draw an enso

  52. Well–this was truly the last thing I expected! There were so many wonderful, vivid, evocative offers last week–as you so eloquently pointed out, Kala. Thank you for your detailed analysis and insight, and your more than kind words about my verse.

    I won’t try to link to mine, but I hope it’s all right if I continue to contribute each week.
    Thanks to everyone for your stimulating, inspiring, and always fun contributions–eager to see how our rasika develops!

  53. Wonderful observations of the haiku you’ve chosen to comment on and what a lovely hokku to start with. I’m new and enjoying it. Here’s my two line verse.

    together on the bonnet
    of our battered car

  54. Thank you, Kayla, for the great description of reasoning behind chosen verses, and congratulations to all the poets!

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