The Renku Sessions: Tawny Jacket – Week 3
I am John Stevenson and I will be your guide for a twelve-verse renku, in which we will compose one verse per week until completion. A longer session, with a different leader, is being planned to follow this one.
Renku is a kind of game for poets, through which a collaborative poem is created. Succeeding verses are written by different contributors. Throughout the entire work, each new verse connects in some way with the one preceding it but with no others. A renku is not narrative in nature. Rather, it has been likened to traveling down a winding river, in which we know where we have been and which way we must turn to follow the river, but not yet where or in which direction we will have to turn next.
Thank you, everyone, for a very active second week of renku. We had one-hundred-nine offers from forty-five poets! You may notice that we are now using “Tawny Jacket” as a title. This is a working title, mostly for keeping track of this renku on The Haiku Foundation web site. After we have composed our final verse, we will discuss a permanent title for the renku.
As was the case last week, there were many more worthy offers than I can comment on here. Some were passed over for technical considerations, despite their other attractive qualities. Many didn’t register, for me, as containing autumn images. We have a special challenge here because we are writing as a world-wide group and northern hemisphere holidays associated with autumn occur during spring in the southern hemisphere. While we are going to have images that reflect local flora or fauna from different parts of the world, I would like to keep the season references as inclusive as climate variations will allow.
There are other considerations that I did not announce in advance as “requirements” and some may think that this a little unfair. It is, in a way. But I am trying to offer a session here that is not overburdened with instructions. My hope is that participation will be fun for those who are new or relatively new to renku, even if more experienced participants may have some advantages. I will be doing my best to have the final work contain contributions from both new and experienced players.
Here are some of my favorites from this week:
three chestnuts for good luck
in the backpack pocketMarina Bellini
One thing I did ask for was a verse that makes us see the first verse in a different way. For me, this second verse suggests that the person depicted in verse one is young. One thing I didn’t mention is that the linking between these first two verses is usually the closest in the entire renku – often a continuation of the scene set by the opening verse.
the straw hair of the scarecrow
tipped with frostLiz Ann Winkler
Since our hokku sets up the idea of a journey, our next verse can easily be things that we might see along the way. There were quite a lot of good offers of that sort. I like this one. Would have been satisfied even with just the first line, broken in two: the straw hair / of the scarecrow.
a dark wind pushing
at bales of rolled hayLorin Ford
This verse brings powerful forces into play. In a longer renku, we would wait a while before doing that but in a short one, this is an option; and a tempting one, at that!
sipping port
by the fireplaceAgnes Eva Savich
I haven’t prescribed a list of season words or phrases that we should be working from this time. In some such listings “fireplace” would appear as a winter topic. Also, having begun our renku with the image of a journey, we probably don’t want to frustrate that sense of motion with a sedentary follow-up. On the other hand, this verse does make me see the first verse in a different way – as perhaps a book about a journey that we are reading in the comfort of our home. In any case, a gorgeous image!
the cobblestone street
lit by a full moonMaureen Virchau
This verse also serves as a continuation of the images in verse one, adding a particular kind of “pathway” and a time of day. And the mere mention of the moon makes it an autumn verse!
Our second verse is:
the still-warm hollow
where the deer sleptKristen Lindquist
I am taking “deer” as the autumn reference. Although we have deer throughout the year (as we have the moon), they are especially busy and visible in autumn. As a consequence, they are often considered an autumn image in renku.
The journey suggested in the first verse now takes us into a wooded area, very recently occupied by a deer, who may have been startled by a person in a tawny jacket (which would not be the standard apparel of a hunter, in my neck of the woods).
For our third verse, these will be the requirements:
- a three-line verse, a single sentence or phrase (no breaks)
- no seasonal reference
- connecting in some way to the second verse and in no way to the first verse
- connecting in a way other than “continuation of the scene”
Our renku, so far:
Tawny Jacket
autumn leaves
she sets out in
her tawny jacketAndrew Shimield
the still-warm hollow
where the deer sleptKristen Lindquist
Please enter your verse offers in the comments box, below. I will be reviewing these offers until midnight on Tuesday, December 3 (New York time zone). On Thursday, December 5, there will be a new posting containing my selection for our third verse, some discussion of other appreciated offers, and instructions for composing the fourth verse.
I look forward to seeing your offers!
John
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driving home
in deep silence
Leonard’s voice
.
broken
antlers
on the hillside
broken
antlers
on the hillside
Perhaps
breaking
antlers
on the hillside
just where
do things stand
for tent city?
once again
our food pantry
in need of donations
so many words
for so fleeting
a dream
playing cards
as it begins
to drizzle
*
weather forecasts
they announced a day
of full sun
*
Tawny Jacket
*
autumn leaves
she sets out in
her tawny jacket [a.s.]
*
the still-warm hollow
where the deer slept [k.l.]
*
another pipeline
barreling through
Lakota Territory [a.n.h.]
*
I was thinking about the way the deer also live in us (in our hearts, minds, spirits and imaginations), and how hollow we would be if they were all “put to sleep” by our climate crisis (as so many other species have been already). Which of course led me to fossil fuels and pipelines. Which conjured up barrels of oil and the barrels of guns pointed at the Standing Rock protesters. Welcome aboard my mind train…woooo wooooo! Anyway, figured I’d give it one last shot!
*
The shear poetic possibility boggles the mind…
*
Autumn
moist to the touch
droppings
along the path
Maybe cut out the first ‘the’
.
moist to touch
droppings
along the path
Or
.
barely moist
droppings
along the path
HI, Robert. Droppings make for an interesting offering. 😀 In reading through your variants, it occurred to me that you might even consider allowing the very strong word “moist” to stand on its own in L1–especially since it already implies touch. It would also stair step visually (if left-justified as it is), which lends the idea of a scattering of droppings, such as one might expect behind a deer. Just a thought! ~Autumn
Hi Autumn
Thank you!
I like your observation.
.
moist
droppings
along the path
.
I did consider changing “path” to “trail”, thinking it may be stronger.
Kindly
Rob
cardboard boxes
no longer available
at the supermarket
autumn leaves
she sets out in
her tawny jacket
.
Andrew Shimield
.
the still-warm hollow
where the deer slept
.
Kristen Lindquist
.
sand deep
in his mouth
still denying
.
wendy c. bialek
autumn leaves
she sets out in
her tawny jacket
.
Andrew Shimield
.
the still-warm hollow
where the deer slept
.
Kristen Lindquist
.
hot chocolate
muffles the crunch
of gingersnaps
wendy c. bialek
how hot chocolate
muffles the crunch
of ginger snaps
.
wendy c. bialek
Hi, Wendy! This is my favorite verse offering of yours this round. I love that you have incorporated both sound and taste, the latter of which is delightfully doubled as the sweet cocoa and spicy ginger sandwich the subdued crunch. The colors mirror those of a deer. Whether they might also connect with the leaves in the hokku depends, I suppose, on what color we imagine those leaves to be. Here in the Rockies, they’d be mostly gold, so you’d be safe! Wonder whether the crunch sound would also be considered a connection to the hokku? Perhaps, if the leaves were dry on the ground; but probably not if the leaves were still on the trees. Fascinating how much of this connection business depends upon interpretation…
*
A yummy senryu-like verse regardless! ~Autumn
what’s been ours
to protect we’ve
all but destroyed
autumn leaves
she sets out in
her tawny jacket
.
Andrew Shimield
.
the still-warm hollow
where the deer slept
.
Kristen Lindquist
.
googling
renku rules
in a dream
.
wendy c. bialek
hearing as if
underwater
that you can adopt
– Betty Shropshire
this to me, is an amazing poem, betty!
Thank you, Wendy! 🙂
two killed
and three injured in
another bad dream
Verse 2
***
cigar smoke
lingers
in the empty room
***
Verse 3
***
on Friday night at the pub
I almost won
a meat tray
fossil beds
revealing layer
after layer
– Betty Shropshire
This verse really adds depth, in every sense of that word. If we can see layers of fossils, it’s likely we’re either looking down into a canyon or standing at the bottom of one. Either way, the whole scene just gets bigger and more 3-dimensional. The tone is also consistent with the other verses we have so far–is that something sought after in renku? Or are we meant to strive for tone variance as well as the other shifts? Just curious. I admire this less conventional use of the word “beds” to connect with the place where the deer was bedded down. Very nice! ~Autumn
This is a great question. The answer, it seems to me, is nuanced and easy to misconstrue. Here is a sentence of commentary from the 2005 Einbond Renku Contest: “While it maintains variety and forward momentum, ‘City on the Hill’ simultaneously establishes a sense of complex unity by the cross-association of several overarching themes.”
.
The simple answer is that ideally we hope to do both things; to have the verses exhibit the greatest possible variety, both in content/subject matter and in tone/style/methods of linking AND to have some “scent” of overarching qualities.
Wow, John–thanks for this! I especially like your use of the word “scent” here. I’m copying the commentary into the notes I am now officially taking on this session, so that I can come back to it and ponder it some more. I’d wondered whether tone might be one way of unifying the diverging switchbacks of the verses. It seems that tone and writing style have been fairly consistent in the few renku I have read over the years. But that may be due to the use of accepted Japanese kigo and the seriousness that often ensues whenever we try to mimic Japanese protocols. I’ve bookmarked the Renku Home page you linked in order to be able to read more widely, as I definitely do not have enough renku under my belt to come to any set conclusions! Much appreciated!
Autumn,
.
It would probably be good if we all held off on having a lot of set conclusions about renku. I think that renku in English is similar to haiku in English in the sense that, as Herold Henderson said of haiku, it will become what poets make it.
.
John
Thank you, Autumn! 🙂
Tawny Jacket
autumn leaves
she sets out in
her tawny jacket
Andrew Shimield
the still-warm hollow
where the deer slept
Kristen Lindquist
—
sunlight
flows in to golden
the river, leaves, curls
—
@Autumn and John, thank you.
Everybody, I am reading, it is a great learning, cheerios
surfing
through a backdoor
of the Pipeline
autumn leaves
she sets out in
her tawny jacket
.
Andrew Shimield
.
the still-warm hollow
where the deer slept
.
Kristen Lindquist
.
we search
for the right words
to reconnect
I do like your verse, Peter
.
we search
for the right words
to reconnect
.
This could be read as not only reconnecting with nature but also ourselves.
autumn leaves
she sets out in
her tawny jacket
.
Andrew Shimield
.
the still-warm hollow
where the deer slept
.
Kristen Lindquist
.
how to play
pachinko
all night long
.
– Lorin
autumn leaves
she sets out in
her tawny jacket
.
Andrew Shimield
.
the still-warm hollow
where the deer slept
.
Kristen Lindquist
.
a silver coin
glinting in the beggar’s
outstretched palm
.
– Lorin
autumn leaves
she sets out in
her tawny jacket
.
Andrew Shimield
.
the still-warm hollow
where the deer slept
.
Kristen Lindquist
.
baby’s mouth
firmly closed against
the choo-choo spoon
.
– Lorin
This cracked me up–choo choo spoon!! XD! Even though I’ve played that game with my own once-upon-a-time babies, I never called it that. I am going to laugh about this verse for a long time–while picturing the way everyone who has ever been a mother opens their own mouth in this scenario.
*
Great fun!
*
Autumn
I too found your verse a humorous read, Lorin, but I also see a far more reaching statement
when it comes to feeding a nations children not only nutritionally but verbally.
A verse to be remembered 🙂
light browses
the thick stand
of pines
“Browses” is a really great verb here, Joan. Living in the mountains, I track the sun rise by watching it paint its way DOWN the thick stands of pines below the ridgeline; and “browses” made me consider that scene in a whole new…well, light!
*
Thanks!
*
Autumn
Thank you, Autumn. I also live in the mountains, but I need to go to higher elevations to see pine trees. Your comment made me smile.
Congratulations Kristen, am enjoying reading the verses.
.
.
Tawny Jacket
.
autumn leaves
she sets out in
her tawny jacket
.
Andrew Shimield
.
the still-warm hollow
where the deer slept
.
Kristen Lindquist
.
.
.
a standing c note
and the repartee
with calloused fingertips
.
it lingers
in knotted sheets
the stench of english boxwood
.
ask marie kondo
how to keep linens
from pilling
.
his answer was no
the corpse
in the violin case
.
.
chills
from that high note
in the Star-Spangled Banner
.
chills
from that note
in the national anthem
.
(Depending whether specificity or universality is more desirable).
a young monk
carefully washing
a small rice bowl
.
carefully washing
my rice bowl
at the silent retreat
I like the tone of quiet ritual in the second one especially
Thanks so much, Kristen!
Verse 1:
****
hunting protestors
through the corridors
of Hong Kong University
a wine glass
filling with tips
for the piano player
– Maureen Virchau
Tawny Jacket
*
autumn leaves
she sets out in
her tawny jacket [a.s.]
*
the still-warm hollow
where the deer slept [k.l.]
*
a sepia-toned photo
fading
in the diary
*
Would that be correct? Or would the color be a possible tie-back to the leaves in the first verse?
*
Here’s one more possibility:
*
musk
in the chin rest
of his old violin
*
Getting warmer, maybe…? Kinda like playing blind man’s bluff!!
*
Thanks for your patience…Autumn
Very nice. And you are not trying my patience in the least. I appreciate your questions and comments. Thank you for YOUR patience!
.
Regarding your comment about not enjoying reading renku, you might be surprised to know that I feel the same way. I always compare reading a renku to reading the box score for a baseball game. You can imagine the game if you know how to read the box score but it’s nothing like the experience of being in the park while the game was being played. For me, the pleasures of renku are primarily in the experience of creating one.
Oh, I REALLY appreciate this analogy, John. I don’t like/understand baseball at all…unless I’m in the park singing “Take me out to the ballllllllllgame” and eating peanuts and crackerjack. That EXACTLY captures the feeling of participating in this renku, versus reading one. Everyone here has a chance of catching a game ball, which makes it fun and exciting, despite the “Steeeeeerike!”s.
*
What my brain is most jazzed about at the moment is the family-tree-like diagram I’m imaging where all the various possible links get followed down their own diverging branches. Wouldn’t you love to see that? I think it would be fascinating to read all the resulting variations side-by-side. Like glimpsing alternate universes through renku…
*
Thanks so much for giving us all a chance to “Play ball!” ~Autumn
The idea of a “tree” renku has been realized by others. It seems like it might be fun but perhaps too confusing in this format. On my first renku here, however, I did list fourteen possible selections for the final verse. I might consider doing that again with this one. We’ll see how it develops.
I wrote my verse before reading your baseball analogy, John—really, I did!
I believe you, Mary. Though I wouldn’t be the least bit disturbed if you had used my comment as a writing cue. I think we can use each other’s offers in this way, too – just another aspect of collaboration.
This is my first renku participation. Thank you, John and THF, for the opportunity to join the large party. I will enjoy reading renku more in the future after I see how some of the rules apply firsthand. It was hard to understand why they skipped about so much between topics.
autumn leaves
she sets out in
her tawny jacket
.
the still-warm hollow
where the deer slept
.
one bright star
which could be Venus
beneath the rainbow
.
Tawny Jacket
*
autumn leaves
she sets out in
her tawny jacket [a.s.]
*
the still-warm hollow
where the deer slept [k.l.]
*
bansuri notes
pick up the lilt
of nearby birds
*
rows of flutes
glint in the sun
as they march
*
a vein
pulses angrily
in his temple
upping the ante
with a fistful
of dollars
– Betty Shropshire
through the mist
a dog barks
into the quiet
tingling skin
pouring more water
onto hot stones
.
maybè
maybe not
the Y on the forest floor
Whether either of these work I’ll leave to the forum.
I have thought thought further about line 3 in my second verse and wonder whether “why” instead of “Y” could work better.
I would appreciate any feedback (if allowed) please.
Kindly
Robert
*
Old Tom
massages the pillow
with his paws
*
results announced
her number in the
withheld column
autumn leaves
she sets out in
her tawny jacket
.
Andrew Shimield
.
the still-warm hollow
where the deer slept
.
Kristen Lindquist
.
on a balcony
on the thirty-first floor
a pizza oven
.
– Lorin
autumn leaves
she sets out in
her tawny jacket
.
Andrew Shimield
.
the still-warm hollow
where the deer slept
.
Kristen Lindquist
.
foodies on the scent
of a truly vegan
pizza
.
– Lorin
A mouthwatering verse, says the plant-based foodie…I want the recipe for that pizza, Lorin!!
😀 Autumn
🙂 Thanks!
– Lorin
autumn leaves
she sets out in
her tawny jacket
.
Andrew Shimield
.
the still-warm hollow
where the deer slept
.
Kristen Lindquist
.
an early riser
yet Sydney Harbour Bridge
already gridlocked
.
– Lorin
ah, no. The one above isn’t in the race. because It’s quite possible that commuting connects with “she sets out” in our hokku. Duh!
.
– Lorin
.
autumn leaves
she sets out in
her tawny jacket
.
Andrew Shimield
.
the still-warm hollow
where the deer slept
.
Kristen Lindquist
.
far too early
for movies with explicit
sexual content
.
– Lorin
autumn leaves
she sets out in
her tawny jacket
.
Andrew Shimield
.
the still-warm hollow
where the deer slept
.
Kristen Lindquist
.
what sort of cop
would shoot a woman dead
in her pyjamas?
.
– Lorin
.
(pyjamas/ pajamas … depending on which version of English)
Ah, dear…probably not : pyjamas and jacket, both kinds of clothing.
.
– Lorin
Meant to say earlier that I very much appreciate these “Duh”s and “Oh dear”s. Besides echoing the “Aha! Oh wait, oops…ah no” that we’ve all felt as writers, they are little clues as to what we’re not supposed to do in a renku. Very subtle teaching–and very admirable to let all of see the “mistakes” on the page. Thank you. I need to be taking notes here…
Yes. I second Autumn on this. Lorin is doing us all a service here.
Goodness, we’re both here. 🙂 Thanks, John.
.
– Lorin
Thanks, Autumn . 🙂 I know that what’s definitely not wanted is anything that takes attention back to our hokku in any way whatsoever. (or in future verses, returns to the last but one verse) The linking needs to be to the immediately previous verse, and to that verse only.
.
Knowing that hasn’t stopped me from writing those verses and not noticing the connections to the hokku until after I posted them. Hence the duhs. . . . 🙂
– Lorin
So the game gets harder the longer the renku–especially depending upon how good the participants are at making/not making connections (it’s amazing what can be connected to what, if one thinks about it long enough). After working so hard for so long to see the threads of connections between things, deliberately disconnecting takes some doing!
*
I appreciate feeling less alone in my duh-ness. Nothing like hitting Post Comment or Send to jar one into awareness…wonder why it is we can re-read things a gazillion times beforehand and miss something, only to see it INSTANTLY upon posting. The Before Send and After Send Mind–someone needs to write dissertation.
*
XD
*
~Autumn
🙂 🙂 🙂
Startled by the hunt
Hide and seek
No longer a game
the still-warm hollow
where the deer slept
– Kristen Lindquis (Lovely!)
*
*
two owls
in the stand of birches
hoot in turns
*
the clatter
of mountain goat hooves
high on the ridge
*
the boy reads
a jumble of fresh signs
by the swelling stream
*
an eagle
fluffs-out its feathers to preen
in the sun shaft
*
rising bread dough
on the wood stove’s shelf
in the cabin
I like the sound of those owls, Elaine. The birch stand connects well with the hollow, too.
~Autumn
Thank you, Autumn, for your comment and why it works for you. That is always helpful. 🙂
the still-warm hollow
where the deer slept
***
teaching children
woodwind notes
with a straw
Tawny Jacket
autumn leaves
she sets out in
her tawny jacket
Andrew Shimield
the still-warm hollow
where the deer slept
Kristen Lindquist
.
moccasin tracks
the bounty if we
only danced
wendy c. bialek
mining salt domes
for the taste
of an ocean spray
– Betty Shropshire
her big brown eyes
leave a keepsake
unseen in my heart
Steve,
Hold on to this one. We will be doing “love verses” later on.
John
sunlight hops
from branch to branch
the tag along
.
I can’t help myself. I’m not sure how many we can enter…but it is fun.
I won’t put a limit on how many offers each of you can make. My feeling is “more offers equals more fun.” And, as I’ve said before, verses that are not used here can sometimes result in haiku somewhere else. At this point, the main difference between what we are writing and haiku is that these verses should have no break and should not be expected to “stand alone.” They are meant to make a poem in collaboration with the preceding verse.
. . .
the still-warm hollow
where the deer slept
. . .
once again
the foster kid faces
a new home
. . .
*
yet another
flying dream ends
too soon
*
gathering eggs
feathers stick
to their pajamas
the still-warm hollow
where the deer slept
*
Kristen Lindquist
*
the easy come
and go of
traffic lights
nancy liddle
the still-warm hollow
where the deer slept
**
picking up the stray
plastic bags
before they’re swallowed whole
***
empty bags as a kind of hollowness, and also thinking about the deer that ingest them, often fatally, as in a story from Thailand this week
Scratch that.
Maybe one of these:
*
the false feeling
of fullness
that comes with plastic
*
picking up the bags
that slide down
all too easily
*
Tawny Jacket
.
autumn leaves
she sets out in
her tawny jacket
Andrew
.
the still-warm hollow
where the deer slept
Kristen
Congratulations Kristen. Very nice!
.
dinner for two
the cafe guitarist
blows his fingers
.
My novice attempt at verse three.
the still-warm hollow
where the deer slept
**
from the covered bridge
a muffled echo
of footsteps
..
the still-warm hollow
where the deer slept
shelter to shelter
a life piled high
in a shopping cart
oops….formatting issue:
…
the still-warm hollow
where the deer slept
…
shelter to shelter
a life piled high
in a shopping cart
…
I like this a lot, Carole–it’s very socially conscious. I also like the connection formed by the repeated word “shelter.” Very relevant contribution!
I agree. And Autumn Noelle–I admire your work with “camouflage” and your equally important social critique. I’m having enough trouble just trying to expand on “hollow.”
I love all the in-progress observations and commentary here. Learning a lot!
Thank you for your kind words, Laurie–much appreciated and very encouraging. ~Autumn
I agree. My mind also went to the shelter needs of the homeless. I am the clothing coordinator for our local Extreme Weather Shelter and my attempts kept referencing clothing. I love your take.
Thanks Noel and Liz.
Well, John, your no requirements + my no renku experience =
*
Tawny Jacket
*
autumn leaves
she sets out in
her tawny jacket [a.s.]
*
the still-warm hollow
where the deer slept [k.l.]
*
camouflaged
the shooter
already at school [a.n.h.]
*
The link to verse 2 is “camouflaged,” as a deer would be in a hollow, in addition to the timeframe–as deer wake early; the shift goes without saying.
Great. Next challenge: can you write this without a break? If written out as a sentence fragment, this would be, “Camouflaged, the shooter already at school…” Can you eliminate the pause represented by the comma? We can think of the two verses (the one we are linking to and our offered link) as a single poem, with the break occurring in the space between them.
I’d lose “camouflage,” but what about this:
*
in the blue hour
the shooter
enters the school
*
The primary link in this case would be the pre-dawn timeframe. I’d love to use the word “embedded” in L3, but that would result in another fragment. Strange that what is desired here is a sentence haiku–they are so often discouraged elsewhere!
*
What I do like is the thread of movement running through the verses. That captures some of the sense of the river you were talking about.
*
Thanks for encouraging me to try again!
*
~Autumn
You have a break in your new verse, too. By presenting a prepositional phrase before that which it explains or modifies, you guarantee a break (as I have done in this sentence). This is a frequently used strategy in writing English-language haiku. Sometimes there is little more to an English-language haiku than this inversion of phrasing.
.
We are not writing haiku now. Haiku come from the opening verse of these linked poems (the hokku). One of the features of a hokku is that it has a break and, therefore, two parts. But the rest of the verses in a renku do not have this feature. After the first verse the “breaks” are between verses rather than within them.
So, the sentence/fragment has to be written Subject Verb Object, with no opening phrase and no pauses? That would put the shooter front and center in the verse; and I didn’t think he belonged there. I was hoping to have the notion of a deer hunter for a moment until we arrived at the school in the last line. Not sure how to achieve that within the parameters of the renku requirements. I’ll think about it….
*
Okay, so looking at the way others are managing this, what about:
*
guns
nestled deep
in his Avenger’s backpack
*
Is that closer–in form anyway–to what is required here?
*
At the risk of being dismissed from the discussion, I’m beginning to have a glimmer of understanding of why I can rarely even make it through reading a renku without wanting to shake the page in frustration. I really appreciate these insights as to WHY renku always feel so disconnected and random to me (barring insider ideas like “this is a moon verse; a flower verse; a love verse” of course).
*
Having grown up along the Mississippi, the river analogy falls apart for me in many ways. To me, a river IS narrative embodied–one unbroken flow towards the sea, every part of it interconnected and interdependent, and all of it one long continuous story. Pesticide runoff from Minnesota farmland contaminates Iowa’s drinking water, my mom dies in Iowa at 59 of a chemical-caused cancer, and my perspective is ever-shaped by her death–the river’s story doesn’t stop at borders, be they State or psychological. I guess my poetic sensibilities run along the lines of that sort of river, those sorts of connections; which is probably why I like tanka and tanka prose so much.
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This is definitely a giant step out of my comfort zone. But I like a challenge…so thank you for the opportunity to watch, write and learn.
Well, that’s interesting, John. I wouldn’t have thought an ‘inverted’ sentence had a “break ” in it . . . if “break” = “cut”, as it does in a hokku or in a haiku with a cut. We don’t consider line breaks to be “breaks” in the sense of “cuts” , though they’re certainly breaks, so why should we consider an inverted sentence laid out over 3 lines to have a “break/ cut”?
.
What am I missing?
.
– Lorin
Well, John, your no requirements + my no renku experience =
*
Tawny Jacket
*
autumn leaves
she sets out in
her tawny jacket [a.s.]
*
the still-warm hollow
where the deer slept [k.l.]
camouflaged
the shooter
already at school [a.n.h.]
The link to verse 2 is “camouflaged,” as a deer would be in a hollow, in addition to the timeframe–as deer wake early; the shift goes without saying.
Sorry, the line spacing issue drives me crazy. I’ll repost, so it’s legible.
the still-warm hollow
where the deer slept
.
absorbed in play
the children forget
their lunchtime
lovely choice – most of my favourite verses received a mention!
.
the still-warm hollow
where the deer slept
.
those mornings
the kitchen smells of coffee
and fresh buns
Lovely choice!
•
the still-warm hollow
where the deer slept
– Kristen Lindquis
•
echoing drumbeats
as sacrifices
are made
– Betty Shropshire
Oh, this is lovely and so tender!
Sorry, I was reacting to Kirsten’s verse.
Anyway, I’m giving it a try.
3rd verse (No season)
…
in my back pack
a rosary made of
Yak bones
Kanchan, I really like the way that back and pack and Yak bounce off one another to create the very sound of that bone rosary. Really great word choice. Is there a “break” after line one, as John was explaining to me? Trying to figure out how to read these the way the renku pros read them…
~Autumn
Thanks Autumn.
This guy was selling rosaries at Boudanath in Kathmandu about a month back. I bought one. He smiled a d said it was made of Yak bone.
Reg. the break in the first line, I’ll wait for John’s response.
He’s the ‘sabishi’ here.
🙂🙏
Autumn and Kanchan,
.
Well observed. Yes, there is a break. Starting with a prepositional phrase guarantees this. The way to write this without a break would be:
‘
a rosary
made of yak bones
in my backpack
.
tawny fingers picking brains
jacket in pieces
an empty coffee cup
rests
in the palm of her hand
Laurie,
.
We have “her” in the first verse. Can you explore other possibilities with this image? It seems promising.
.
John
easiest fix:
an empty coffee cup
rests
in the palm of his hand
*
but more interesting, maybe:
an empty coffee cup
rests
on the arm of the bench
thanks for the encouragement, John!
I like your word “palm,” Laurie, as it forms a bowl and connects with “hollow.” Just a thought–what L3 were to end with “palm?”
*
an empty coffee cup
rests
in the _____________’s palm
*
the blank could hold any number of someone’s: preacher’s, lawyer’s, driver’s, migrant’s–up to you! “Rests” is a good connecting verb here, too.
*
Thanks for letting us watch your creative process unfold… ~Autumn
Thanks for the suggestions–here’s a wake-up call along lines already discussed (and the rhythm seems right, and I’ve seen it a lot)
*
an empty coffee cup
rests
in the homeless man’s palm
I love this variant, Laurie. You’ve gotten double mileage out of the hollowness–empty cup + hollow of the palm, and it’s a great, timely, image. ~Autumn
Thanks for the suggestions–here’s a wake-up call along lines already discussed (and the rhythm seems right, and I’ve seen it a lot)
***
an empty coffee cup
rests
in the homeless man’s palm
Oh wow, I’m very honored, John. Thank you!
Have really enjoyed everyone’s offerings so far and look forward to seeing how this evolves…
Although I will not use another of your verses in this short renku, I hope you will continue to make offers. I may comment on them, as may others. And we would all be interested in what you come up with. So, please consider playing on!
.
John
I will, after this round. Looking forward to seeing where it goes from here!
crushed dew drops
on fallen leaves
faded moon
Ah…found the second verse…LOVELY! AND I think I have figured out how to do the spacing! Sheesh…y’all are teaching this old dog some new tricks!
.
he joins in
smoothing out
rumpled sheets
.
sparkling stream
moss covered stones
pilot the way
.
paula…this is really FUN. Thank you again, John!
Happy Thanksgiving everyone !!
Congratulations, Kristen !!
*
calculating
the density
on the map
*
Oh how carefully
We step and circle around
Each other’s feelings
Well done Kristen. Hope everyone had peaceful thanksgiving for those who were so engaged
*******************************************************************************
taking a stand
against the evil
they stand for
***************
peanut shells
crackle on the
square dance floor
****************
living statues
of the homeless
surround city hall
a longitudinal study
of what’s
not there
tie-dyed curtains
in the guest room
freshly laundered
Very nice, Kristen! A wonderful choice, John. So many places to go from here.
.
a dream catcher
hanging above
my son’s cradle
Thank you, John and we’ll done, Kristen. This was one of my favourites. I love the image and the new possibilities!
the clicking of shoes
on the cobble courtyard
a worn out horseshoe
Or
the clicking of shoes
on the cobble courtyard
worn out horseshoes
mother and son
cry while watching
“Bambi”
Congratulations, Kristen.
.
– Lorin
teddy bear enrobed
in brown still lying
on her warm lap
trailing the school-run
a list of chores goes on
and on
nice verse, Kristen
*
after dinner
the rare treat
of a fine cognac
*
*
I,ve been away for a few days with no internet access (bliss), so missed the discussion on the hokku about ‘out in’. I think I try to write in common spoken english. ‘You’re not going out in that!’ is something my partner has been saying to me for years. Though I think my dress sense impeccable!
So it’s acceptable phraseology to me. However, coming at the end of a line it does stand out a bit, though as Lorin points out ,something would be lost if the ‘in’ went to the third line.
I’m reminded of a lyric from the Bonzo Dog Do Da Band:
‘hunting tigers out in India
out in, out in
out in India’
Congratulations, Kristen, and a fitting wakiku, John. Lovely work.
lovely!
Enjoying the verses! 🙂
.
Alan
ditto!