Author Topic: which haiku is more thought provoking?  (Read 5435 times)

Chase Gagnon

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which haiku is more thought provoking?
« on: February 15, 2013, 09:38:33 PM »
winter stars
the darkness between
my dreams


winter stars
the darkness between
my day dreams


The original is posted first. I think day dreams makes this poem a lot better. Opinions?

Gabi Greve

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Re: which haiku is more thought provoking?
« Reply #1 on: February 16, 2013, 12:46:38 AM »
winter stars - that makes it night

day dreams - that makes it day

so you have a lot of time passing within one haiku.

I prefere the first version

winter stars
the darkness between
my dreams

.
or

winter stars -
the darkness between
my dreams

or

(another kigo) -   (?snowed in)
the darkness between
my day dreams
.

All the best with figuring this one out!
Gabi from Japan
.

Don Baird

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Re: which haiku is more thought provoking?
« Reply #2 on: February 17, 2013, 11:32:17 PM »
I prefer the first:

winter stars –
the darkness between
my dreams

However, I also prefer the use of a cut-marker after L1.  And, as a side note, winter stars equals night.  Therefore its use causes a redundancy with "darkness" in line 2.  Gabi points this out as well.

By working with L1 a bit more, you can encourage a stronger poem and one that doesn't include the redundancy.  Her suggestion, "snowed in" is wonderful.  But, I'm sure you have a few excellent ideas as well. 

Good luck with this one.

Don

:)


« Last Edit: February 18, 2013, 11:52:55 AM by Don Baird »
I write haiku because they're there ...

storm drain
the vertical axis
of winter

Peter Yovu

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Re: which haiku is more thought provoking?
« Reply #3 on: February 18, 2013, 09:11:44 AM »
I don't see redundancy here. That might be the case if "darkness" were only considered as something (literally) seen. However, it is also a quality, something which is (intuitively) felt. And it is this sense which changes in the poem, and gives it depth and surprise.

The first of the two is far better. I would suggest two changes, but they alter (deepen I would say) the poem in ways the author may not wish, so I'll refrain. 

Chase Gagnon

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Re: which haiku is more thought provoking?
« Reply #4 on: February 18, 2013, 12:07:13 PM »
Thanks for your comments everyone. I'll make a revision soon

Peter Yovu

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Re: which haiku is more thought provoking?
« Reply #5 on: February 19, 2013, 10:35:57 AM »
One possibility: you can open this up considerably by dropping the word "my". What do you think?

devora

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Re: which haiku is more thought provoking?
« Reply #6 on: February 21, 2013, 10:42:11 AM »
You are right, Peter. Deleting "my" takes it from the personal to the universal.

Don Baird

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Re: which haiku is more thought provoking?
« Reply #7 on: February 21, 2013, 11:46:50 PM »
Spot on, Peter!
I write haiku because they're there ...

storm drain
the vertical axis
of winter