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which haiku is more thought provoking?

Started by Chase Gagnon, February 16, 2013, 03:38:33 AM

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Chase Gagnon

winter stars
the darkness between
my dreams


winter stars
the darkness between
my day dreams


The original is posted first. I think day dreams makes this poem a lot better. Opinions?

Gabi Greve

winter stars - that makes it night

day dreams - that makes it day

so you have a lot of time passing within one haiku.

I prefere the first version

winter stars
the darkness between
my dreams

.
or

winter stars -
the darkness between
my dreams

or

(another kigo) -   (?snowed in)
the darkness between
my day dreams
.

All the best with figuring this one out!
Gabi from Japan
.

Don Baird

#2
I prefer the first:

winter stars –
the darkness between
my dreams

However, I also prefer the use of a cut-marker after L1.  And, as a side note, winter stars equals night.  Therefore its use causes a redundancy with "darkness" in line 2.  Gabi points this out as well.

By working with L1 a bit more, you can encourage a stronger poem and one that doesn't include the redundancy.  Her suggestion, "snowed in" is wonderful.  But, I'm sure you have a few excellent ideas as well. 

Good luck with this one.

Don

:)


I write haiku because they're there to be written ...

storm drain
the vertical axis
of winter

Peter Yovu

I don't see redundancy here. That might be the case if "darkness" were only considered as something (literally) seen. However, it is also a quality, something which is (intuitively) felt. And it is this sense which changes in the poem, and gives it depth and surprise.

The first of the two is far better. I would suggest two changes, but they alter (deepen I would say) the poem in ways the author may not wish, so I'll refrain. 

Chase Gagnon

Thanks for your comments everyone. I'll make a revision soon

Peter Yovu

One possibility: you can open this up considerably by dropping the word "my". What do you think?

devora

You are right, Peter. Deleting "my" takes it from the personal to the universal.

Don Baird

I write haiku because they're there to be written ...

storm drain
the vertical axis
of winter

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