which haiku is more thought provoking?

[Chase Gagnon]

winter stars
the darkness between
my dreams


winter stars
the darkness between
my day dreams


The original is posted first. I think day dreams makes this poem a lot better. Opinions?

[Gabi Greve]

winter stars - that makes it night

day dreams - that makes it day

so you have a lot of time passing within one haiku.

I prefere the first version

winter stars
the darkness between
my dreams
.
or

winter stars -
the darkness between
my dreams

or

(another kigo) -   (?snowed in)
the darkness between
my day dreams
.

All the best with figuring this one out!
Gabi from Japan
.

[Don Baird]

I prefer the first:

winter stars –
the darkness between
my dreams

However, I also prefer the use of a cut-marker after L1.  And, as a side note, winter stars equals night.  Therefore its use causes a redundancy with "darkness" in line 2.  Gabi points this out as well.

By working with L1 a bit more, you can encourage a stronger poem and one that doesn't include the redundancy.  Her suggestion, "snowed in" is wonderful.  But, I'm sure you have a few excellent ideas as well. 

Good luck with this one.

Don

[Peter Yovu]

I don't see redundancy here. That might be the case if "darkness" were only considered as something (literally) seen. However, it is also a quality, something which is (intuitively) felt. And it is this sense which changes in the poem, and gives it depth and surprise.

The first of the two is far better. I would suggest two changes, but they alter (deepen I would say) the poem in ways the author may not wish, so I'll refrain. 

[Chase Gagnon]

Thanks for your comments everyone. I'll make a revision soon

[Peter Yovu]

One possibility: you can open this up considerably by dropping the word "my". What do you think?

[devora]

You are right, Peter. Deleting "my" takes it from the personal to the universal.

[Don Baird]

Spot on, Peter!