Hi, All:
A second translation from the Per Diem feature by Sasanoha:
chill wind
a dime lands softly
in his velvet case
冷えた風
硬貨がまいこむ
彼のビロードの箱
Hieta kaze
Kouka ga maikomu
Kare no veludo no hako
We look forward to your comments.
J
Quote from: Jim Kacian on May 30, 2011, 09:01:04 AMchill wind
a dime lands softly
in his velvet case
Dear Jim,
IMHO, if you change "his" on "the", you will not only make it twice wider (+her), but also give the reader possibility to feel the wind from the other side - from the side of the street musician (+my). From that side, the wind is even more chill, and the velvet case seems to be more soft and warm.
If you cannot change it, because you are not the author of the poem, you can do it in the Japanese version - I do not know, how about the other words, but IMHO "kare no" is not needed at all, even if it is a translation of the version with "his".
best wishes,
Gregor
P.S. While translating the poem into Japanese, I suggest to use the structure of hokku "kareeda ni" by Basho, i.e.
(velvet case)
ni(a dime)
ga/no (softly-lands)
(chill wind)
Like the poem. Like Gregor's suggestion, but, drop the softly, perhaps sound of a coin on velvet?
ビロード箱
に金貨の音
寒さ哉
I try to keep the 5-7-5 and meaning/feeling if I can, but, I am weak on the grammar.
Not the same English action exactly, but, the idea of a falling coin's sound, maybe?
Not sure about the cut "kana" at the end, either.
I have fun trying.